I prayed to god Allison didn't ask my last name.
Buttercup and Petunia weren't helping, of course. They were too busy laughing, trying to hide behind their beer, but I was earning scathing looks from both of them. Petunia mouthed to me, "You're in so much trouble." And I knew I was.
Allison shook her head. "This is just going to keep bugging me. Are you sure you don't know where we met?"
"I don't think I can say," I said. That was skirting the edge of telling a lie, and it made me very uncomfortable.
"Well," Allison said, standing up and holding out her hand. We shook. "I've taken enough of your time. Thank you for humoring me."
"Was it a nice dream?" Buttercup asked her.
"Oh yes," Allison said. "It was nice meeting all of you." She turned on her heel and headed back to a table she was sharing with a couple of guys, the three of us watching her intently.
Then both elves turned to me. "Forget to share something?"
"It was nothing!" I said. "Almost, anyway. We can't talk about it here! We have to get moving before she thinks of new questions."
But the two of them exchanged knowing glances and then, in unison turned to me. "You know what this means, don't you?" Petunia asked.
"For an adult to catch you?" Buttercup clarified.
"Yes! It means the magic failed a little, probably because it was only on loan."
"Noooo," said Buttercup slowly. "That's not what it means." She was grinning.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Petunia asked her.
"Totally, we're thinking of the same thing," Buttercup said.
"I don't care what either of you are thinking. Hurry up! I'll go pay the bill." I didn't wait for them but headed for the bar, catching out waitress there and asking to settle up. While I was waiting for her to assemble the bill, I had my back to Allison, so I didn't see her approach.
"I promise I'm not stalking you," she said, practically in my ear. I almost jumped out of my skin before turning to face her.
"Sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to startle you."
"Quite all right," I said. "Allison, I believe you said."
She nodded.
"I just can't stop wondering where we met," she said. "I mean, you're the spitting image of the woman from my dream."
"The spitting image of Santa Claus?" I said. I shoved my belly out and did a reasonable imitation of Dad. "Like this?"
She laughed. "No. Just like you are now." She looked me up and down pointedly. Her attention was flattering, but-
"Are you sure we haven't met?" she asked.
"I'm sure I would remember," I replied. I remembered, all right. Oh, did I remember.
"I'm sure it will come to me," she said. "When it does, I'd like to call you." She pulled out a pad and pen, waiting expectantly.
I stared at her. She wanted my number.
"You don't think I just give out my number to anyone who asks for it, do you?" I asked. "Some people might think this entire dream thing was all a ruse to get my number."
She smiled but simply waited.
That was when the waitress returned to me and handed me the check back with my credit card run. I pushed the credit card to the side while I signed the paperwork, which was my biggest mistake of the night.
Allison picked up my card and stared at it. Then her eyes sharpened and she looked straight at me.
"In my dream," she said, "You told me you couldn't lie."
I snatched my card from her and slipped it into my purse.
"Gotta go," I said. "It was great meeting you, Allison," I said. I started heading for the door, but Allison stepped around me and cut me off.
"Hey. Um. Officer. I think this is some sort of harassment."
"It's not," she said. "I just want you to answer one question. Are you Santa Claus?"
"Isn't Santa Claus a myth?" I asked.
I stepped past her, but she stepped in front of me. I looked around for Petunia and Buttercup, but they were both standing at the side of the room, their arms crossed, watching me. Most importantly, they weren't helping.
"Are Buttercup and Petunia your elves?" Allison asked.
I stared at her. "Okay, my last name is Clause. Maybe that's why you dreamed about me being Santa."
Again I tried to step past her, but she stopped me with a hand on my arm. "I need to ask you some questions, Ms. Clause."
"I don't think so, Officer," I said.
"Answer a direct question and you'll never hear from me again. Did we meet Christmas Eve?"
I stared at her. "You said it was a dream, Allison. Please let me go."
"Answer my question," she said. "Did we meet Christmas Eve? It's a simple question."
"This was perhaps amusing at first," I said, putting on my best efficiency consultant voice. "But it got a little old a while ago."
"You seem to have trouble answering a direct question," Allison said. "Answer me!"
"Yes," I said. "We met Christmas Eve. I was dressed up like Santa, delivering presents, and then you met the reindeer and went for a ride. After that, you went back to bed and dreamed it was a dream." I paused. "Do you know how crazy that sounds?" I tried to sound sarcastic, not sure whether making the truth sound like a lie would distract her.
"Tell me that's not what happened," Allison said. "Go on, tell me that's not what happened."
"Allison," I said, my look pleading with her.
"Are those elves," she asked, pointing to Petunia and Buttercup. She eyed them carefully, and I thought she was wondering why their ears weren't pointed. Santa magic, of course. I wasn't going to tell her that. Their ears were pointed when I looked at them, but I knew Allison couldn't see them that way.
"Elves are as real as Santa Claus, Allison," I said. "Please, you're scaring me."
"Tell me there aren't any elves, Tabitha," she said in a low voice. "Tell me we didn't meet Christmas Eve. Tell me it was a dream."
"What other explanation is there?" I asked.
"Tell me."
I looked over at Petunia and Buttercup and mouthed the word, "Help", but they both tightened their arms and shook their heads.
I was going to get them.
"You're pretty good at misdirection, Tabitha," Allison pointed out. "But I'm a cop. I am far better at questioning someone than you are at hiding the truth behind misdirection, and so far you haven't said a single thing that could be construed as a lie. Why is that?"
"I said I introduced you to reindeer and took you for a ride," I said. "I'm pretty sure most people would call that a lie if they heard it."
"I'm sure they would," she replied. "Go on. Tell me we didn't meet on Christmas Eve at my sister's house, and I'll leave you alone."
"Allison," I said, "are you accusing me of a crime? I understand it's foolish to talk to a police officer when questioned about a crime."
"Oh, good one," she said. "Except right now I'm not investigating a crime. I remember a dream."
"A dream in which I broke into your sister's house? And now you're asking me whether it really happened?"
"If it didn't, all you have to say is, 'It didn't happen'. I'll believe you."
I didn't notice Petunia and Buttercup approach, but suddenly I had one on either side. Allison's body language turned wary, but Buttercup said simply, "Peace, officer." Then she grinned. "Oh, I made a joke. Get it?" She turned to Petunia.
"Yes, I got it," Petunia said. Then Petunia told me, "Tell her the truth, Tabitha."
"There's only one way she could have seen Santa Claus," Buttercup said.
"What way is that?" Allison asked.
They both turned to Allison. "That's how Santa traditionally meets his future spouse," Petunia told her. "Are you sure you want to continue this line of questioning, Allison?"
Allison stared at her then stepped back.
She and I stared at each other for a moment, then I said quietly, "Let's go." I started for the door and was nearly there before I heard Allison speak up from behind me.
"Tabitha Clause!"
I stopped in place, freezing.
"I have to know," she said. "I have to know."
I turned around to face her, and if the expression on my face matched my emotions, then it was like staring into a mirror.
"Did you like the book?" I asked her.
Her jaw dropped. I used her shock to escape.
Denial Denied
"Running away isn't going to solve the problem," Buttercup said.
"There's no problem to solve," I said. "I'm not running away from anything." And I almost doubled over from the pain of a lie. "Spoiled candy canes!" I yelled, clutching my stomach.
"What's the matter?" Petunia asked. "Did you lie to us?"
"All right!" I said. "I'm running away!" Confession of the truth eased the cramp in my stomach with just a few more twinges for good measure. "What else am I supposed to do?"
"Oh, I don't know," Buttercup said. "Maybe, oh, call her?"
"No!" I said.
"Why not?" she asked. "She's hot. I saw the way you looked at her."
"That was dread." And then I doubled over again. "Oh reindeer farts! All right, so she's hot." That didn't satisfy the punishment of the lie, so I continued. "I looked at her, okay? She's hot. Luscious. A total babe. I'd totally do her. Satisfied?"
"Not lately," Buttercup said with a grin. "But maybe you could be."
"Calling her is a very bad idea," I said. "She has a life here. What are we going to do? Date? Can Santa date?"
"I thought you didn't believe you were Santa," Petunia said. "I thought you expected the magic to return to your dad. And I'm pretty sure the Tabitha we know and love could use a good date."
"Especially with a hot cop," Buttercup added.
"One that's smart enough to tell when you're hiding something from her," Petunia suggested.
"I don't think she wants me to call. She's probably really angry with me that I made her believe it was all a dream."
"She seemed pretty smart," Buttercup suggested. "I'm sure if you grovel, she'll forgive you."
"If she wanted to talk to me, she would have called," I said. "She has my name, and I know for a fact there are no other Tabitha Clauses living anywhere near Chicago."
"You're unlisted," Petunia pointed out.
"She's a cop. She can't get every tiny detail about me?"
"Clearly not the most important details," Buttercup said.
"I'm going home," I said. "You guys can stay here and take care of our clients, or you can come with me."
Both of their expressions softened. "Call her, Tabitha," Buttercup said. "She's going to be your wife."
"That's crazy!" I said. "She has a life in Madison. She's a good cop. I have no right to mess that up."
"Shouldn't that be her choice?" Petunia said.
"Like anyone could resist this," I said, gesturing at me, trying to break the mood.
"Call her," Buttercup said.
"We'll make a deal with you," Petunia said. "Call her. See if she wants to spend time with you. If she does, then spend time with her. If not, or if she gets all crazy, then we'll go with you, or we'll stay here and take care of the business, whichever you like."
"We won't keep bugging you," Buttercup promised. "Call her and you'll never hear about it from us again."
I sighed.
"We know you think about her," Petunia said. "And while the three of us have a great time together, and you love us, you don't love us the way you could love her."
She was right. While we looked to all be the same age, they looked the same as they did when I was growing up. I'd sort of had a crush on both of them, but it wasn't that kind of crush, and it had developed into a sisterly love I valued deeply.
"Listen to us, Tabitha," Buttercup said. "We don't play the age card very often."
"But we're a lot older than you, and that means we know more."
"Important stuff," Buttercup said, nodding her head.
"Like... you should call her," Petunia said.
"If I call her, you'll drop this?"
"If you make your best effort at a real conversation," Petunia said, "we'll drop it."
"Fine. I'll call her."
"Right now," Buttercup said, handing me my cell phone. "Need her number?"
"You know I don't," I replied. I made the call then listened to it ring. It rang several times before rolling to voice mail. "Voice mail," I said. "Guess she's not home."
"Leave a message and try her cell," Petunia said.
I sighed. "Allison. This is. Um. Tabitha. I'll try your cell."
"Give her your number," Buttercup said.
"In case I don't catch you..." I recited my number. "In case, you. Um. Wanted to talk. Or something."
I hung up. I wanted to let it go at that, but I'd promised to try her cell. I concentrated for a moment then dialed. She answered on the second ring. "Allison Carpenter."
I froze until Buttercup nudged me.
"Um. Allison. Hi."
"Tabitha." It was a statement, not a question.
"Yes," I said. "You probably don't want to talk to me."
"Oh, I want to talk to you quite a bit," she said, but she sounded annoyed. "Why didn't you call me?"
"I'm calling you now."
"Why didn't you call me three months ago? We had a connection. I know we did. Why didn't you call then?"
"Because..." I paused. "I can't stop thinking about you."
"That's why you didn't call?" But her tone was different.
"I was afraid," I said. "It was my first night as Santa, and I got caught by an adult. That's not supposed to happen. I thought if you believed it was all a dream, then I didn't have to tell everyone I screwed up."
"Did you screw up?" she asked. "Not cast the right spell or something?"
"It doesn't work like that. It just, um. Works, I guess. I don't really know the rules. I never really asked Dad about all this. I just took it for granted, but I never thought it would pass to me, so I didn't ask questions."
"You're talking like you can't ask him now."
"I didn't think I needed to," I said. "I keep waiting for the magic to revert to him."
"Has it?"
"No."
"But he's okay?"
"Yeah. Fit as a fiddle, but Mom won't let him play with the reindeer the way he used to. 'You're no spring chicken anymore', she tells him."
"All right," she said. "So you're calling now. From the way you ran out of the pub last week, I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again."
"Buttercup and Petunia won't leave it alone," I said.
"So that's why you called? To shut them up? Not because you wanted to?"
"I wanted to," I said in a small voice.
"You're really Santa Claus."
"That's my Dad," I said. "Or at least I hope so."
"You don't want to be Santa?"
"That's a long story."
She paused. "I suppose it is. I really went for a ride on Santa's sleigh?"
"Yes. And the reindeer had fun scaring you."
"And that's after I gave them treats!"
"They're very playful," I said.
"Reindeer games?"
"Exactly."
We grew silent.
Buttercup and Petunia were offering wide pantomimes, although what they expected me to say, I didn't know.
"So. Um. Madison isn't that far from Chicago."
"I suppose not," she replied.
"Maybe you would like to get a drink sometime."
"Does Santa drink?"
"Tabitha drinks," I said.
"Right," she said. "Guinness."
"That was Petunia's choice," I explained. "I like a good cosmo."
"This is just so surreal," Allison replied. "So, yeah. I guess the next time you're landing your sleigh on my sister's house, you could call me."
If that wasn't a brush off, I'd never been brushed off before.
"Right. Well. I hope you weren't too scared by your night with Santa. Take care, Allison.
You're a good woman."
We hung up and I sighed.
"What was that?" Buttercup asked.
"She's not interested," I said. "Satisfied?" I threw the phone on the counter. "If I'm going to keep funding your shiny toy habit, I suppose I should drum up some more business."
I buried myself in my job and tried to forget about Allison.
* * * *
Time passed. I paid for some professional marketing, netting more business than the three of us could handle. Both Buttercup and Petunia were accustomed to long hours, and we all dived in headfirst. I worked eighty or a hundred hours a week, and the two of them were right there next to me with nary a complaint as long as I gave them ample opportunity to go shopping.
Weeks turned into months, and summer arrived to Chicago. I barely noticed. But on the first of June, Buttercup and Petunia both told me, "We need to go home for a couple of weeks."
"Oh. You could have warned me. We're so busy." I sighed. "Well, go ahead. I'll handle things here. Please tell me you're coming back."
"Santa," Buttercup said pointedly, "That 'we' includes you."
"Don't call me that!" I said. "Dad is Santa. I was just a pinch hitter."
"Oh?" Petunia said. "Last person on the naughty list?"
"Frederick Alan Watson of New Ulm, Minnesota," I replied instantly. "Tacky plastic santas!" I still had the magic. And couldn't swear properly. "Take the magic with you when you go."
"We-" and Petunia made a gesture to include the three of us, "need to go home for a couple of weeks."
"We know this isn't what you wanted, Tabitha," Buttercup said. "But I don't understand why not."
"You don't?" I asked. "Tell me. How are your parents doing? If either of them have aged a day since I was fourteen, you could have fooled me."
"Is that what this is about?" Petunia asked. "You're worried about your parents?"
"Of course I'm worried about my parents!" I said. "What will Dad do now? And Mom had grey hair. I know she wanted another kid. Can she still have one?"
"If she wanted another child," Buttercup said, "she would have had one. Instead, what was it she said, Petunia?"
"I believe the direct quote was, 'How could I possibly have a second child when I have such perfection from the first?' " Petunia said, and she sounded just like Mom.
The Emergency Claus Page 6
