by J. L. Beck
Silence settles into the space as I analyze every possible scenario in my head, each one never showing Fallon and I together.
“Why are you psychoanalyzing it? If you want to be together, then be together. If you don’t, then keep doing what you’re doing with Laura.”
I catch the ball in one hand, squeezing it hard and trying not to beat the crap out of my younger brother. “Don’t you have anything better to do than come in here and run your mouth?” I sneer, turning in my desk chair to glare at him. Ryker gives me a shit eating grin and I roll the ball in my hand, wondering how much trouble I’ll get it if I throw it at his stupid, arrogant face.
“Nope, nothing better than to pester you into giving your heart to our best friend.”
I hate it when he calls Fallon his best friend, like she belongs to him too or something. “She’s not your best friend.” I growl.
“Ryker, Reed, mom is calling a family meeting. Get your asses upstairs so we can get this over with.” Remy’s voice comes from the doorway, startling Ryker and I.
I exhale, moving my neck from side-to-side and trying to release some tension. My heart beats furiously in my chest as I get up and leave the bedroom, Ryker following behind me.
As I walk down the steps and into the living room, my eyes catch on Fallon who is sitting on the couch with a mug in her hands, most likely drinking that disgusting tea mom always makes. She’s the only other person in the house who likes it. The shit stinks, and just thinking about the smell makes me shudder. It won’t stop me from sitting beside her though.
My parents are sitting on the couch with mirroring looks of sadness and anxiety on their faces.
“Is everything alright?” I blurt the words out, causing all eyes to focus on me. Mom gives me a sad smile, and when my eyes land on Fallon’s I see she’s staring straight at me. My stomach explodes with butterflies, making me feel queasy.
I have to tell her. I have to. We can do this. We can be together and be happy. I can be her boyfriend, and her best friend. Then, when it’s right, I’ll be her family.
Elation consumes me as I take the seat next to her, my palms sweaty with anxious, but excited fear. As soon as we get done here I’ll take her upstairs to my bedroom and tell her. I’ll confess my love for her.
“Hi,” I murmur as I’m knocked into her, with Ryker and Remy taking their seats beside me not so gracefully, while mom and dad remain seated across from us on the love seat.
“Well, what’s going on? What’s with the family meeting?” Remy questions before I get the chance. As the eldest brother, I often lead, but I’m off my game, and it’s all because of the beautiful girl sitting next to me.
Mom and Dad look at each other, their hands clasped together like something is going to sweep in and take them away from us at any second. “I wish we were calling this family meeting for something better, more exciting or happy, but we aren’t.” My heart sinks into my stomach and I know this isn’t going to be good. Whatever they have to share with us is going to be devastating.
I blurt out the first question that enters my mind. “Are you getting a divorce?”
They both shake their heads, their facial expressions never changing. “No son, we aren’t getting a divorce. It’s nothing like that. Your mother and I love each other very much, and we love each of you so very much, even you Fallon.” Dad winks at her, but the quick smile he gives her falls flat.
Ryker, Remy and I all look at each other. “What is it then?” Ryker asks.
I can see mom visibly gulp, and I feel Fallon’s clammy hand grab onto mine right as mom speaks a group of words I’ll never forget. “I’m sick.” I stare at her in horror, seeing for the first time that her face is paler than normal, and there’s a dullness to her eyes I’ve never seen before. She looks exhausted, and guilt hits me hard. How have I not noticed the change in her?
Because you’re stuck up Fallon’s ass.
The thought hits me before I can stop it.
“I’ve been feeling sick for some time now,” she explains, “thinking maybe it was just age catching up to me.” Dad clutches her hand in his, and I can feel the dread sinking further into my veins.
“Your mom has cancer.” Dad finally says the words, and hearing them doesn’t seem to make them any easier to comprehend. Cancer? How? How can the best woman in the world have cancer?
“How? Why?” I stammer, shaking my head like I’m trying to wake myself up from a bad dream.
“There’s no reason why. Cancer isn’t something you can stop from happening. Old or young, healthy or unhealthy.” I can feel myself fading away, the fear of losing my mother consuming me.
“Are you going to be okay?” My voice rises with my panic, and when I look over at Remy and Ryker they’re staring at mom with tears in their eyes. I swing my gaze to Fallon and see the same shock and fear I’m feeling reflected in her green eyes.
Mom smiles softly, the skin around her eyes crinkling. Seeing it makes me scared I’ll never be able to see that smile again. “I’m going to be okay. The doctors say we caught it early, so there’s a very good chance I’ll be in perfect health by this time next year. My body is just tired, that’s all.” I can tell from her voice she’s unsure if she can really beat it, and that terrifies me.
We all sit in silence, and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. The idea of losing my mother isn’t something that I can think about.
The squeeze of Fallon’s hand against mine pulls me out of my thoughts before I let them drag me under. I squeeze her hand back, relishing in the feeling of her skin against mine. I’ve wanted her forever, but now I don’t know what I want. I can’t think about a relationship with her right now, not while my mom is fighting a monster that’s trying to destroy her body. I don’t think I could live through losing the two most important people in my life if the worst happens.
“So, you’re not going to die?” Remy asks the one question everyone else in the room wants to know. He sounds so young.
Mom laughs, “Of course not baby.” I’m was old enough to know that isn’t necessarily true. People with cancer don’t always make it and being the oldest means I have to be the one that isn’t naive enough to think she can make it out of this alive.
Remy looks relieved, and so does Ryker.
“Your mother is already undergoing chemo treatment, so she may be sick for a little while, but everything will be fine.” Dad smiles, and the way he speaks to mom, the way he cares for her, makes me want to be like him. He’s the kind of man every man should want to be. Supportive, caring, and loving.
The tension eases out of my brothers, but Fallon and I sit like we’re statues.
“I love you, Mom.” Ryker says before getting up off the couch and wrapping mom up in his arms. She looks so fragile in his arms.
“I love you too, son. Don’t worry about me. I’ll still be here cooking your favorite meals and showing up to all your games.”
I can’t take another lie coming out of her mouth. I love my mom too much to let her force feed me bullshit. Releasing Fallon’s hand I shove up from the couch, and towards the stairs. I need to be alone, and away from the bullshit so I can digest everything that’s going on.
I dash up the stairs, slamming the door shut behind me.
I might be losing my mom, and if I tell Fallon how I feel about her and she doesn’t feel the same way, I would risk losing her too and that is something I just can’t do.
A coldness settles into my chest when I hear that Alice has cancer. I just talked to her, and asked her if she was okay, and she told me she was. Betrayal isn’t something that I’m used to feeling but it hits me hard that she didn’t tell me, not that she had to tell me exactly what was going on. She could’ve at least said she wasn’t feeling well.
Reed’s hand disconnects from mine and I feel him pull away, his face void of all emotion and before I can mutter a single word to stop him he’s heading upstairs to hi
s bedroom.
I look between his parents, my mouth popping open in surprise.
“He’ll be okay, Fallon. He just needs some time,” Alice says, as if she can read my mind. I nod, knowing she’s right. He does need time, discovering his mother has cancer is a shock. It will take him a little time to come to terms with it.
I can’t lose Reed and his mom. She’s the only mother figure I have left, and Reed’s my best friend. His family is my family.
“Everything is going to be okay kids. We just wanted to tell you, because hiding things, especially something this big, isn’t something you should do. We’re a family and we will fight this together.” I swallow, hoping and praying that’s true. If we lose Alice, then we will lose the literal soul of the Winston family.
I give them both a sad smile before getting up and heading up to Reed’s room. When I reach his door, I’m a nervous wreck. Knocking against the wood softly, all I hear is a gruff, “Go away.” I twist the doorknob, opening the door anyway, and see Reed lying on his bed, his eyes on the ceiling above him.
“Do I have to?” I whisper, closing the door behind me. Reed merely grunts in response and I know he doesn’t really want me to leave. He needs me right now, just as much as I need him. Padding across the carpet I crawl up onto the huge king-size bed. His woodsy scent enters my nostrils and calms my anxious nerves.
“Everything is going to be okay, Reed,” I assure him, lying down beside him and snuggling into his side. He’s so warm, and his body calls to me, like a beacon.
“Is it? Because it sure doesn’t feel like it’s going to be okay.” Anguish saturates his words.
I inhale, and he turns to face me, making our noses touch. His lips are a mere inch away and I can feel the heat rolling off of him. My heart pounds and yet I know I can never have him. “It might not feel like it right now, but it will. I’m here for you, and so are your brothers’. We will get through this together.”
“I can’t lose you, Fallon. I’m going to lose her, I just know it, and if I’m going to lose her then I can’t lose you too.” He doesn’t say another word, he merely pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me. His hold is tight, and his words bring tears to my eyes.
He can’t lose me, and I can’t lose him.
We can never me anything more than friends because we need each other more than that. I know I can’t be selfish and tell him I love him and want him as more than a friend in that moment. Not even with his arms wrapped around me and his lips so close to mine.
“I’ll never leave you, Reed. Never. We’re best friends forever, right?” I mumble the words against his chest, trying to take a mental picture of this moment because it may never happen again.
“Best friends, Fallon. No matter what,” he huffs, his breath fanning against my cheeks. An unreadable emotion fills his blue orbs and I nod, a small smile pulling at my lips. He holds me for a few more moments, and I swear I feel his chest shake and rattle as he lets all his emotions out.
Is this how it was always supposed to be? Us remaining friends… best friends?
“I’ve got you, Reed. You were there for me when I needed a friend after I lost my parents, and I’ll be here for you through everything with your mom,” I tell him as soon as he releases me. He smiles, wiping any lingering tears from his eyes.
“Good, because losing you and my mother would kill me. They can say she’s going to be okay all they want but I’m not dumb. Cancer isn’t always the end, but it’s not always beatable either, and doctors have been wrong before.” Reed’s talking so fast I almost miss what he says.
“I know, but it’s going to be okay.” I place a hand on his chest, feeling the beat of his heart against it. I long for his heart to be mine, but know right then in that moment that I’m giving up the idea of him being mine.
Reed Winston isn’t mine.
He’s my best friend.
The only man I’ll ever love, and the man I’ll always have to keep at arm’s length. I pull my hand away from his chest, and let the coldness settle into my bones, knowing I’ll forever be cold with the loss of Reed Winston.
The arrangement is simple, with only two rules:
Rule #1: Don’t fall in love
Rule #2: Revert back to rule one when necessary
I thought I could stick to the rules, but with a girl like Fallon I should've known rules were only meant to be broken. We’ve been best friends since elementary school, and she’s the only woman I want for more than a one night stand.
No matter how much I’m attracted to her, and I'm pretty f-ing attracted to her, I know she deserves better than a man who refuses to commit.
Then my father gives me an ultimatum:
Have a baby...or he’s selling the business my great-grandfather started over fifty years ago to a stranger.
Winston Industries is mine and I'm not about to let someone else take it from me.
Too many drinks has Fallon volunteering to help me with my problem and our agreement is born.
There’s just one little problem…
Everything changes the moment I slip inside her body.
To hell with the rules... I'm going to claim what's mine before it's too late
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I’ve known Reed all my life. In second grade, he stuck up for me when a bully pushed me down on the playground and told me I was ugly. Then, when I was a freshman in high school, he protected me from a guy at a party who got a little too handsy. He saw me cry, wiped my tears away, and vowed to always be my best friend.
What he didn’t know was being his friend was last thing I wanted.
A friend.
The word itself causes an ache to form in my chest and trying to push the painful thought out of my head, I check the time on my computer only to see it isn’t even noon. The thought is depressing because I’m ready to go home. Back to my apartment and read a book...maybe even chug an entire bottle of wine too.
And it’s not just because Reed doesn’t see me the way I want him to. This whole week has been shit. Honestly, the entire year has been shit. I’m twenty-five, in love with my best friend and desperately wanting to start a family of my own, not to mention stuck in a job I don’t really like because it’s the only way I can be close to him. My only problems? I can’t feel anything for anyone that’s even close to the way I feel about Reed and he’s completely oblivious.
Every guy I date is a douchebag, an asshole, or a self-centered jerk that only cares about his looks or his money. None of them are anything like Reed. Nibbling on my bottom lip, I try to envision us as a couple, but it’s impossible.
I want him to want me like I want him.
I want him to kiss me like I want to kiss him.
I want him to do unthinkable things to me, things I know he’s done with other women.
I want to be his first and his last even though I know that isn’t possible.
An incoming email pings, and I pull myself out of the daydream and back into reality. Clicking open, I read it, blinking as I stare at it in confusion. It’s an invite from Reed’s father, Clark, calling a business meeting for all the executives. Why am I being invited? I’m just a lowly secretary.
Thinking about Clark makes me smile though. He’s a very sweet older man. In fact, because he and my father were close friends before the accident that took both of my parents’ lives, Clark took me in and treated me like the daughter he and his wife never had.
His three sons, Reed, Remington and Ryker are my closest friends.
Reed is the oldest and has big plans for his father’s company. He brought me on as his personal assistant three years ago when I needed a job to help finish paying for college. His dad would have paid my tuition since my parents didn’t have a life insurance policy, but I wouldn’t let him. I wanted to do it on my own, or not at all, and didn’t want to owe anyone.
Ryker is the classic middle child, always doing what
ever he can to get attention. He’s the clown, and makes me laugh daily.
Remy, he’s the youngest. He’s also the sweetest. He’s the one who lets me cry on his shoulder when Reed does something stupid or thoughtless and hurts my feelings.
They’ve all been there for me through thick and thin, and I don’t think I’ll never be able to repay them for everything the brothers have done for me. Not that they would let me.
It’s different with Reed. He doesn’t notice my desire to be everything he needs. Then again, maybe he does and he’s too afraid to cross that very thin line between friends and much more.
That’s not something I want to think about, so I close the email and force the thoughts out of my head with a shake, then go back to working on the spreadsheets Reed asked me to comb through. The numbers are never-ending and the more I stare at the computer screen the more my head starts to hurt. Math is not my strong suit.
“Good morning, Fal.” Reed’s deep voice vibrates through me, and I lift my eyes from the screen to meet his. His blue eyes are brighter than usual today and he gazes down at me, concern darkening his features as he studies my face.
“Morning,” I mumble back. Reed is handsome as hell and he knows it. He’s tall, lean but somewhat athletic, and has a face that looks as if it was carved out of stone. He is lick-worthy and I spend too much time wondering if he still has the eight-pack abs like he did back in high school.
He gives me a half smile, making him seem more boyish than manly and my heart flutters in my chest. Looking at him and knowing I can never have him hurts… it hurts a lot. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I say with a shrug, hoping he will let it go. “Just a migraine.” The words barely pass my lips before he’s putting his stuff down on my desk so he can slip behind my chair, his huge hands gripping me by the shoulders as he starts to slowly massage my tense muscles.
