The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  That would be impossible. Any food that’s been graced by the touch of Asahina’s hands is guaranteed to taste delicious. In this case, the “who” part of 5W1H would take priority.

  Hence, I was so overwhelmed by the privilege of enjoying Asahina’s assorted handmade sandwiches that I wasn’t sure how they tasted. Anything would do at this point. The hot Japanese tea she poured us didn’t go very well with the sandwiches, but that was no problem at all. Even her sweat appeared refreshing to my soul.

  Haruhi quickly devoured her portion before standing up like she needed to let out the heat built up in her body.

  “I’m going back for another swim. You can all join me when you’re done eating.”

  And with that she dived back into the pool.

  I’m impressed by how she’s able to swim so smoothly in a place with so many obstacles. The theory about humans originating from the ocean might have some merit. Though I would expect Haruhi’s distant ancestors to be capable of adapting to the moon if they were sent there with only the clothes on their backs.

  Sometime later Nagato, still eating slowly in silence, was left behind as the other three of us headed for Haruhi, who was prancing around in the water like a seal seeking a mate. By this point Haruhi was having fun with a group of grade-school girls playing underwater dodgeball.

  “Mikuru, get over here!”

  “Yes!”

  Asahina nodded leisurely before taking a direct hit to the face from Haruhi’s rocket of a beach ball and sinking underwater.

  An hour later Koizumi and I climbed out of the water and sat by the pool with cheerful infants screaming in the background.

  We were definitely out of place here. What was Haruhi thinking when she chose this public pool? I’m not saying that there had to be a waterslide, but I’m pretty sure there were more appropriate places for a group of high schoolers to go.

  I could feel the blazing sunlight rapidly increasing the amount of melanin in my skin. That made me wonder if Nagato could tan, so I looked around for her and found the small, short-haired, reticent girl was sitting back in the shade, her sage eyes staring into space.

  The same way she always looked. Nagato was practically a statue, no matter where we went—or so I thought.

  “Hmm?”

  I was hit by a sense of bafflement before it quickly vanished. There was that strange feeling again. For a moment I could feel that Nagato was bored. Déjà vu. Yeah, and then Haruhi would say the following—

  “These two are my brigade members. They’ll do whatever I say, so feel free to ask for anything.”

  I turned back to the pool to find that Haruhi had walked over to us with a group of little girls in tow.

  Asahina was up to her chin in the water with her eyes closed, probably tired out from having to deal with a bunch of hyper grade-schoolers. Haruhi, who probably had fewer worries than those grade-schoolers, was in top gear as she turned her shining eyes toward Koizumi and me.

  “Hey, let’s go have a blast. We’re gonna play underwater soccer. The two guys can be goalies.”

  What kind of sport is that and what kind of rules are involved? But before I could ask, that sense of déjà vu disappeared.

  “…Yeah.”

  I gave her a perfunctory reply as we stood up. Koizumi had a smile on his face as he joined the circle of children.

  That strange feeling was gone now.

  Hmm. Well, it’s a fairly common phenomenon. To dream about a moment from everyday life. Besides, I came to this pool when I was a kid. It’s possible that a memory or two may have resurfaced. Or there was a slight malfunction in the complex process my brain used to transmit data.

  I pushed aside a nearby dolphin-shaped inflatable before chasing after the beach ball Haruhi had just bicycle-kicked.

  Once we had had as much fun as we could possibly stand, we left the public pool. On the way back I was one of the acrobatic trio while Koizumi enjoyed a tandem of adolescence incarnate. This is why people snap.

  Asahina was sitting elegantly on the rack, her pale skin making the flush in her cheeks more pronounced as the blood rushed to her head. When I saw that one of her arms was wrapped around the waist of the rider on the saddle, I was about ready to pop a vessel. If I concentrated hard enough, I could almost hear the wind howling.

  I pedaled away on the bicycle in whichever direction Haruhi pointed and eventually ended up back at our meeting place in front of the station.

  Oh, that’s right. I have to pay for everybody.

  Once we settled down at the café, I placed a cold, wet towel on my forehead and slumped back in my seat. One second later:

  “I came up with a list of activities for us to do. What do you think?”

  The sheet of paper made its majestic descent to the table as Haruhi pointed for us to look at it. A letter-sized sheet of paper torn out of a notebook.

  “What is this?”

  Haruhi responded to my question boastfully.

  “An itinerary for how we’re spending what little remains of summer vacation.”

  “For who?”

  “For us. The SOS Brigade’s Summer Special Series.”

  Haruhi drained her glass of water and asked the server for another.

  “I just noticed. We only have two weeks of summer vacation left. That left me in a state of shock. Yowzers! It feels like there are so many things I still want to do, but our time is limited. We’ll be kicking it up a notch.”

  Haruhi’s handwritten outline said the following.

  STUFF WE HAVE TO DO OVER SUMMER VACATION

  Summer camp

  Pool

  Bon Dance

  Fireworks

  Part-time job

  Stargazing

  Batting practice

  Insect collecting

  Test of courage

  Etc.

  Summer fever.

  This disease had probably escaped from the jungle somehow. It must have been spread by mosquitoes or some equivalent. I’d have to feel sorry for any mosquito that sucked Haruhi’s blood. Probably end up with food poisoning.

  Of the above, “Summer camp” and “Pool” were crossed out with large X’s. I guess that meant they’d been completed.

  Which meant that we had to clear this list in less than two weeks? And what was that “Etc.” supposed to mean? There was still more to come?

  “If I think of something. For now, this is all. Is there anything else you want to do? What about Mikuru?”

  “Um…”

  Asahina began thinking in earnest while I tried to make eye contact and send her a message. Don’t suggest anything exotic…

  “I’d like to scoop goldfish.”

  “Okay.”

  Haruhi used her ballpoint pen to add another item to the list.

  Haruhi proceeded to ask Nagato and Koizumi if they had any requests, but Nagato shook her head wordlessly while Koizumi declined with a light smile. The correct choice.

  “Excuse me for a second.”

  Koizumi had quickly finished his iced café au lait and proceeded to snatch the sheet of paper and study it. He appeared to be deep in thought, as though he were trying to track something down. Did this list of events warrant that kind of behavior?

  For the next few minutes I watched as Nagato sipped soda through her straw without a sound.

  “Thank you.”

  Koizumi returned Haruhi’s so-called outline to the table and tilted his head slightly. What’s that supposed to mean?

  “We begin tomorrow. Meet up here in front of the station again tomorrow! Is there a Bon Dance going on anywhere nearby tomorrow? Fireworks would also work.”

  Look this stuff up before we begin.

  “I’ll look into it,” Koizumi volunteered. “I’ll be in touch later. Just Bon Dances for now. Or the location of a fireworks festival, correct?”

  “Don’t forget about goldfish-scooping, Koizumi. It’s a rare request from Mikuru.”

  “Should I search for a location that co
mbines the Bon Dance with a festival?”

  “Yep, please do. We’re counting on you, Koizumi.”

  Haruhi was in a good mood as she gulped down the ice cream from her coffee float in one bite and folded up the sheet of notebook paper as though it were a map that led to a treasure island.

  While I paid the bill, Haruhi ran off like a jogger practicing for an upcoming race. She may be trying to save her pent-up energy for tomorrow. If she’s going to detonate, I would prefer her to go out with a bang instead of dragging the process out. Wouldn’t have to waste time picking up the pieces that way.

  The remaining four brigade members went our separate ways, and once I was sure that the other two were far enough away, I called out to the backside of the remaining one.

  “Nagato.”

  The organic humanoid clad in a summer sailor uniform turned in response to my voice.

  “…”

  She stared back at me wordlessly with a neutral expression on her pale face—two artificial-looking eyes that showed neither rejection nor acceptance.

  I was bugged by how something felt wrong. Nagato showing no emotions was business as usual, but there was something odd about Nagato today that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

  “Well…”

  I managed to stop her, but now I was flustered after realizing that I didn’t have anything to say.

  “It’s nothing, really. How have you been? Are you doing okay?”

  Why am I asking pointless questions?

  Nagato blinked slowly before nodding so slightly that you’d need a protractor to tell.

  “Okay.”

  “That’s good to hear.”

  “Yes.”

  Her rigid face, which barely ever showed any signs of movement, appeared to be even tighter…no, I’ve got it backward. It seems to have loosened up, oddly enough…I have no idea how my eyes could completely contradict themselves. I guess I’ll just say that human perception is limited and leave it at that.

  In the end, I couldn’t find anything else to say, so I bid a hasty farewell and turned away from Nagato to make my escape.

  For some reason I had a feeling that it was better this way. And so I rode my bicycle back home, ate dinner, took a shower, and watched TV before eventually falling asleep.

  The next morning I was woken from my idle slumber by another call from Haruhi.

  She’d found a place holding a Bon Dance festival. It’d be this evening at the public grounds.

  There you have it.

  Found one at the perfect time, huh? As I was appreciating this fact, Haruhi said the following.

  “Let’s all go buy summer kimonos.”

  That was how today’s schedule would begin, apparently.

  “Originally, I’d planned on wearing them for Tanabata, but accidentally forgot. Something must have been wrong with me. The fact that Japanese customs allow for the wearing of summer kimonos two months in a row is a real lifesaver.”

  Lives were saved?

  I should mention that it was broad daylight. This would explain why we had to meet up so early for a nighttime event. Just like the day before, Haruhi was all on her high horse, Asahina was mellow, Nagato was silent, and Koizumi had that smirk on his face as we gathered in front of the station like clockwork.

  “Mikuru and Yuki don’t have summer kimonos. I don’t either. I was passing through the shopping district the other day when I saw a place that sold the whole outfit, sandals and all, for a cheap price. Let’s go there.”

  I watched Asahina and Nagato stand there as I pictured the female members in summer kimonos.

  Well, it is summer.

  Koizumi and I would go in our usual clothes. Save the fancy bathrobes for hotels. I sure don’t want to see a man in a summer kimono.

  “That’s true. Koizumi would look good, but in your case?”

  Haruhi snorted as she looked me up and down.

  “Okay, let’s go.”

  She delivered her order as she waved the fan in her hand.

  “Off to the kimono store we go!”

  Once Haruhi entered the women’s clothing shop, she arbitrarily chose Asahina’s and Nagato’s outfits before stomping over to a changing room.

  Nagato was the only one who knew how to put a summer kimono on, so the other two needed the help of a female clerk, which was very time-consuming. Koizumi and I were left to wander the racks of women’s clothing until the three of them finally assembled in front of the mirrors.

  Haruhi’s had a flashy hibiscus pattern, Asahina’s had goldfish of all colors, and Nagato’s featured a bunch of plain geometric shapes. Each summer kimono was becoming in its own way, which left me confused about where to look.

  The female clerk was glancing at Koizumi and me as if she wanted to know who was whose boyfriend, but too bad for her. Koizumi aside, I was just an escort. Am I supposed to feel disappointed?

  Well, I got to see the summer-kimono version of Asahina, so it’s all good. Haruhi and Nagato also looked good in their own ways. Not that this needed to be said out loud.

  “Mikuru, you’re…”

  Haruhi took one look at Asahina and burst into joy.

  “Absolutely adorable! I must be a genius. I knew I had the right idea! The sight of you in a summer kimono will have ninety-five percent of the men in this world fawning over you!”

  I asked about the remaining five percent.

  “Her charms aren’t going to work on gay men. Five out of every hundred guys are gay. Never forget that.”

  I really doubt I’ll ever need that information.

  Asahina also seemed rather pleased as she spun around in front of the fitting room mirror and examined her attire.

  “So this would be the traditional dress in this country. It’s a bit tight across the chest, but it looks wonderful…”

  This was definitely one of the better costumes Haruhi had forced on her. Didn’t show as much skin as the bunny outfit, and felt less exotic than the maid uniform. A costume that was perfectly safe to wear around town this time of year. Like a natural feature of summer. And she looked damn good in it. It was almost like I was looking at my sister in a summer kimono, with the exception of the unbalanced swelling above her sash. Still, if it’s cute, it’s all good. There was a divine aura emitting from Asahina’s entire body that made you willing to forgive anything. She could become the mastermind of a bank robbery and I would willingly plead her case. Don’t know if I could say the same for Haruhi.

  Since Haruhi and her lack of time management had forced us to assemble bright and early, we had a sizable amount of time left before the Bon Dance festival. Thus we had no choice but to kill time at the park in front of the station, during which time Haruhi braided Asahina’s and Nagato’s hair. The two of them obediently sat on the bench like dolls as Haruhi kept changing their hairstyles, each one stunning enough that I felt like snapping away with a camera, until the sun finally began to set and we lined up to head for the public grounds.

  The Bon Dance festival was already bustling with activity, despite the fact that it was still light out, as people flooded in out of nowhere. I’m surprised by all the people here.

  “Wow.”

  Asahina was unreserved in expressing her admiration.

  “…”

  Nagato never reacted to anything.

  I’ve never actually seen someone dance at a Bon Dance, and this time was no different. But a Bon Dance, huh? Haven’t seen one in forever—

  “Hmm?”

  There it is again. A headache with a tinge of déjà vu. Pretty sure I haven’t been to one in years, yet it feels like I just went to one recently. The stage in the center of the grounds and the festival stands around all seem vaguely familiar ghhh…

  But then, as though I were grasping at the threads of a spiderweb dangling in the air, that sensation abruptly vanished.

  I could hear Haruhi’s voice.

  “Mikuru, there’s the goldfish scooping you wanted to do. Scoop all you want. You get
an extra two hundred points for a black moor.”

  Haruhi made up her own rules as she took Asahina’s hand and dashed over to the tank for scooping goldfish.

  “Shall we join them? How about a contest to see who can catch more?”

  The game-loving Koizumi made a proposal, and I immediately shook my head. I don’t have a bowl to put goldfish in. Anyway, I’m more interested in the food vendors and the mouthwatering aromas of their wares.

  “What about you, Nagato? Wanna grab something to eat?”

  She looked at me with cheerless eyes before slowly turning away. Her eyes were focused on a mask vendor. That’s what you’re interested in? I really don’t get her.

  “Oh, well. Let’s have a look around.”

  The speakers began playing easy-listening festival music. I took Nagato to the mask vendor, with Koizumi being a nuisance and tagging along.

  “That was a fine haul, but I only took one, since I didn’t need that many. Mikuru couldn’t catch any, so I gave her one of mine.”

  There was a small plastic bag dangling from Asahina’s finger that contained a very plain, small orange fish swimming without a care. The way Asahina tightly gripped the string was adorable to watch. Her other hand held a candy apple, which gave me the idea to buy one to take home for my sister. Can’t hurt to get on her good side every now and then.

  Meanwhile, Haruhi was toying with a yo-yo balloon in her left hand while carrying a tray of takoyaki, octopus dumplings, in her right.

  “You can have one.”

  And with that, she extended the tray. I was savoring the taste of the takoyaki dripping with sauce when—

  “Huh? Yuki, what’s with the mask?”

  “Bought one,” Nagato said as she stared at the toothpick protruding from her takoyaki. The side of Nagato’s head was adorned by a silver alien. I suppose that she probably felt connected to it in some way, as an alien herself, since she’d gone so far as to extend her paw from her sleeve to point it out.

  I had a feeling that I was in Nagato’s debt, so I wouldn’t have had a problem with buying that for her, but Nagato had declined without a word and paid for it herself. That reminds me. What does she do for income?