The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  The stage was surrounded by women in summer kimonos and children swaying to the sounds of traditional music. Felt like I was watching a gathering of associations for old people, women, and children. Anyone who came to a Bon Dance to have fun would never actually dance. Naturally, we weren’t.

  Asahina was watching the dancing people with as much fascination as if she had been watching locals do a backward jungle dance in welcome.

  “Ooh— Aah—”

  She softly expressed her appreciation. They don’t have Bon Dances in the future?

  With Haruhi leading our little band, we browsed the festival before the rest of us were eventually reduced to servants trailing after Haruhi as she pointed out foods she wanted to eat or attractions she wanted to try. Haruhi certainly appeared to be enjoying herself, and Asahina did as well, which made this fun for me. I couldn’t tell if Nagato was having fun or not, and I couldn’t have cared less about how Koizumi felt.

  Every now and then Koizumi would suddenly fall silent before

  quickly smiling again. This guy’s been having mood swings of his own the past couple of days. Though that may be the fate of every person who joins the SOS Brigade.

  It was summer. Summer vacation.

  As I watched the three girls in their summer kimonos, I had a feeling that those words could excuse anything that might happen.

  So when Haruhi said the following:

  “Let’s do fireworks, fireworks. We’re already dressed for it. Get it out of the way today.”

  I was all for it. We bought a cheap fireworks package for children at one of the stands and headed off to a nearby riverbed, where the summer night sky would only be illuminated by the moon and Mars. On our way there we stopped to buy a hundred-yen lighter and an instant camera. The rest of us followed after Haruhi, who marched along while swinging her yo-yo balloon and waving her fan. She seemed to be even more hyper than usual. For some reason I was reminded of the phrase “The clothes make the (wo)man.”

  As I stared at Haruhi’s bouncing hair I couldn’t even bring myself to warn her about taking long strides in a summer kimono. Haruhi is defined by her pep and strength.

  For the next hour I took numerous pictures of Asahina staring wide-eyed at a sparkler, Haruhi running around with a fountain firework in each hand, and Nagato staring at a black snake twisting and turning, before the SOS Brigade’s summer activities were over for the day.

  Haruhi glanced over at Koizumi, who was placing the remains of the fireworks in a plastic bag after dipping them in the river, before tracing her lips with her finger and speaking.

  “We can do insect collecting tomorrow, then.”

  It would appear that she intended to clear off every item on her list.

  “Haruhi, there’s nothing wrong with having fun, but have you finished your summer homework?”

  Not that I was in any position to talk when I hadn’t even touched mine. Haruhi looked puzzled for a moment.

  “What’s wrong with you? That little bit of homework only takes three days to finish. I finished mine back in July. That’s how I always do it. Get the painful stuff over with early so you’re free to have fun without any worries. That would be the correct way to enjoy summer vacation.”

  Haruhi sincerely believed that it was only a little bit of homework. Why does a girl like her have brains? God did a pretty half-assed job of spreading the wealth.

  Haruhi gave us a glare.

  “Bring bug-catching nets and insect cages when we assemble. Got it? Yes. We’ll have a contest to see who can collect the most. The winner gets to be brigade chief for a day!”

  Who would want that title? So any insect will do?

  “Well…they have to be cicadas! Yep, this will be the SOS Brigade Cicada Hunt. The rules are…any type will do. Whoever catches the most wins!”

  Haruhi was making decisions and getting excited by herself as she swung her fan around as though she were trying to catch an insect. Net and cage, huh? Think I have those in my closet. From a long time ago.

  And when I finally made it back home, I realized that I’d forgotten to buy a candy apple for my sister.

  The next day there wasn’t a single cloud in sight, despite the fact that I’d driven a long nail into one of those rainmaking dolls in the hopes that it would pour. The cicadas seemed quite pleased with the hottest summer day so far.

  “I wonder if cicadas are edible. They might taste good if we deep-fry them. You know, I’ve been wondering. Does deep-fried stuff taste good because of the batter? If that’s the case, cicadas would work.”

  Eat them by yourself.

  Don’t you find anything wrong with the sight of a group of five high schoolers carrying nets and cages?

  We assembled before noon and made our way toward North High in search of greenery. After all, our high school was in the middle of the mountains, so there were more than enough trees around, and forests were the ideal habitat for insects. I had believed that I lived in a fairly big city, but apparently it wasn’t as barren as I thought.

  The area was swarming with crying bugs, as if every tree trunk were covered by cicadas. Plenty for everyone. Even Asahina, stumbling around while flailing with her net, was able to catch a few. The cicadas here apparently fail to recognize that humans are the greatest danger to their existence. Now would be a good time to tell them.

  After catching numerous cicadas, I watched as they sat still in the cage. I have no idea how many years they’d spent underground, but I’m pretty sure that they didn’t molt so Haruhi could fry them. Besides, I’d been feeling a little guilty about the decrease in crying insects during the past few summers. Sorry about spreading asphalt everywhere. Please forgive human ignorance.

  Haruhi couldn’t possibly have heard my monologue, but nevertheless, she said the following.

  “You need to follow the spirit of catch and release. If we let them go, they might return the favor in the future.”

  I imagined a human-size cicada knocking on the door to my house. If somebody were to come back and return the favor after being arbitrarily caught and released, he’d be as dumb as a bug. Revenge would make more sense.

  Haruhi opened her insect cage and shook it back and forth.

  “There! Go back to the mountains!”

  Bzzz—A number of cicadas bumped against one another before flying out of the cage and soaring over Asahina, who let out an adorable shriek as she crouched down, and right past the head of Nagato, standing perfectly still, before disappearing into the sunset in spirals and straight lines.

  I followed suit. As I watched the cicadas pour out, I almost felt like I was Pandora accidentally opening the box from Hermes. It didn’t occur to me to keep one for myself until the cicadas were all long gone out of sight.

  On the next day, there was employment waiting for us.

  Haruhi was kind enough to share this part-time job she’d managed to find. Our work for the day consisted of:

  “W-welcome—” I could hear Asahina stuttering hesitantly.

  “Okay, everybody line up. Ah, ah…don’t push.”

  The job that Haruhi had strong-armed us into like a pushy salesman was to bring in customers at a local supermarket’s grand opening sale.

  We were assembled without knowing what was going on, stuffed into costumes without knowing what was going on, and forced to promote the supermarket starting at ten in the morning.

  I should mention that these were animal mascot costumes.

  Seriously, I don’t get it. Why do I have to wear this thing? Isn’t it Asahina’s job to wear different costumes…? Hey, Koizumi and Nagato! You should also complain! Why are you following her orders in silence?

  “Please line up. I’m begging you!”

  I could hear Asahina, clad in green, stumble over her words as I sweat like a pig.

  We were dressed as frogs. And our job was to hand children balloons. Apparently this was a special event that was part of the annual celebration to commemorate the original grand openin
g. Any customers who brought their families would receive free balloons.

  Only kids could ever get excited over a little freebie like this. Hey, brat with the stupid look on your face. I’ll give you this red balloon. There you go.

  Asahina the tree frog was especially popular. Incidentally, Koizumi was a black-spotted pond frog and I was a toad. We didn’t have any choice. Nagato, dressed as a Surinam horned frog, used the pump to inflate balloons for the three of us to pass out while Haruhi stayed cool indoors in her regular clothes. There’s gonna be mutiny if she’s paid the same as the rest of us.

  Apparently the owner of the store was an acquaintance of Haruhi’s. He’d smiled when Haruhi walked up to him and said, “Hey, old-timer.”

  After two hours of hard work, the balloons ran out and everybody besides Haruhi headed to a storeroom-like area to remove the excess garments. Now I know how it feels for a snake to shed its skin. I’ve rarely ever felt so relieved the past few years.

  Nagato walked out with an aloof expression, but Asahina, Koizumi, and I were dripping with sweat as we slid out of the frog suits and remained silent for a while.

  “Whew—”

  I no longer had the energy to carefully observe Asahina in her flimsy tank top and short skirt.

  “Good work.”

  When Haruhi showed up eating ice cream, I seriously wanted to bury her up to her neck in a hot desert.

  And as a finishing blow, our pay came in the form of that tree frog costume. Based on Haruhi’s nonchalant revelation, this had been her goal from the very beginning. She held the thin discarded green frog disguise under her arm as though she were a general who had just been awarded one hundred pounds of gold. Our well-deserved pay never existed to begin with.

  “What’s wrong with that? I’ve wanted this for a long time. My wish has been granted. The old-timer said he’d give it to me for Mikuru’s sake. Mikuru, I’ll award you a special handmade medal. I haven’t made it yet though, so hang on.”

  One more piece of garbage to add to Asahina’s belongings. It’ll probably be an armband with the word “medal” written on it.

  But.

  “I’ll stick this frog in the clubroom as a souvenir. Mikuru, feel free to wear this whenever you want. I give you permission!”

  I couldn’t bring myself to feel angry after seeing the look on Haruhi’s face.

  I was completely exhausted. After constant activity day and night between the pool, insect collecting, and sauna à la giant costume, any perfectly healthy high school boy would be on his last legs.

  Thus I was sound asleep that night in a tranquil dreamland until my cell phone began to ring.

  Nothing pisses me off more than being woken up in the middle of the night by a pointless phone call. It’s an unreasonable time to call other people, and Haruhi was the only person I knew who was irrational enough to do such a thing, so I was fully prepared to yell at her as I pressed the Talk button on my cell phone half-asleep, only to hear, “…Moan (sniff)…groan (sob)…”

  The sound of a girl crying. It sent shivers down my spine. I instantly woke up. This is bad. I just heard something I wasn’t supposed to.

  A second before I was about to toss the phone down—

  “Kyon…”

  I was able to recognize Asahina’s voice through the sobbing.

  “Hello, Asahina?”

  Don’t tell me that she’s calling to say good-bye forever. This better not be anything like the famous folktale of Princess Kaguya going back to the moon. I realized that the “present time” was only a temporary residence for her. I understood that she would eventually have to return to the future. Had the time come? I won’t accept a farewell over the phone.

  However, the lovely lady on the other end of the phone continued.

  “I…ah, something terrible has…sob…hic… at this rate…I, waahhh…”

  She was making about as much sense as a grade-schooler with her words all slurred together. I was wondering what I was supposed to do when—

  “Why hello. This is Koizumi.”

  The cheerful voice of a damn man took over.

  What? Why are they together at this late hour? Why am I not there? Your head will be separated from your body in five seconds, Koizumi, if you don’t appease me with an answer I can accept.

  “We have a bit of a situation on our hands. A particularly difficult one, which was why Asahina contacted me.”

  Before contacting me? I’m not very happy about that.

  “There wouldn’t have been any point in consulting you…no, excuse me. In fact, I was also unable to provide any help. A perilous predicament.”

  I scratched my head furiously.

  “Is Haruhi on the verge of ending the world again?”

  “Technically, no. In fact, it would be the exact opposite. As things stand at the moment, the world can never end.”

  Huh? Am I still dreaming? What is this guy talking about?

  Koizumi sensed my confusion and continued.

  “I already contacted Nagato. As expected, she was already aware of the situation. The details will become clear if we ask Nagato. Which is why I must ask, would it be possible for us to meet up right now? Minus Suzumiya, naturally.”

  Of course it’d be possible. Any person capable of abandoning a weeping Asahina would deserve to be sliced up seven times and more.

  “I’ll be right there. Where are you?”

  Koizumi told me his location. In front of the usual station. The SOS Brigade’s official meeting place.

  And so I got changed, sneaked through the hallway of my house, and took off on my bicycle to find three shadowy figures waiting upon my arrival. The streets weren’t completely deserted, as I’d spotted a few students here and there. As a result, we were able to blend in with the crowd of fools with nowhere to go on a summer night and conduct our dubious meeting without any worries. Though I was definitely starting to nod off.

  Asahina, dressed in pastels, was crouching in front of the station with a disheveled Koizumi and Nagato in a sailor uniform flanking her like a pair of decorative pine trees. Asahina must have thrown on whatever was handy because her clothes didn’t match at all. She must have been in a real panic or pressed for time.

  The tallest of them apparently noticed me, as he waved me over.

  “So what’s going on?”

  The faint glow from the lamppost illuminated the soft expression on Koizumi’s face.

  “I apologize for calling you out at such a late hour. However, Asahina is rather distraught, as you can see.”

  Asahina was squatting down and sobbing like a melting snowman. She looked up at me with a tearful face and dry eyes. Eyes so captivating that I was on the verge of throwing away everything to help her out.

  “Wah, Kyon, I…” Asahina sniffed before murmuring to herself.

  “I can no longer return to the future…”

  “Allow me to summarize. Basically, we are stuck in an infinite time loop.”

  Hard to believe something so ludicrous when you have a smile on your face. Did Koizumi have any idea what he was saying?

  “Of course. I am fully aware of the implications. I was discussing the matter with Asahina earlier.”

  Call me. So I can be part of that discussion.

  “As a result, we realized that something was odd about the recent flow of time. You should credit the discovery to Asahina. She was able to confirm my suspicion.”

  What suspicion?

  “That we are experiencing the same period of time over and over.”

  I’ve already heard about that.

  “To be precise, it would be the period from August seventeenth to the thirty-first.”

  Koizumi’s words sounded rather hollow to me.

  “We are currently in the middle of a summer vacation with no end.”

  “We’re certainly on summer vacation right now.”

  “A literally endless summer. In this world we will never see September, much less autumn. There is no futu
re after August. That is why Asahina cannot return to the future. It all makes sense. It’s only natural that she cannot communicate with the future when the future no longer exists.”

  How could the physical lack of a future be natural? Time marches on, regardless of what we do. I stared at the top of Asahina’s head as I spoke.

  “Who would ever believe that?”

  “I was hoping that you might believe me, since I couldn’t possibly tell Suzumiya.”

  Koizumi also looked down at Asahina.

  I should mention that Asahina at least tried to explain. To the accompaniment of intermittent sobs.

  “Sniff, um…I normally use to contact the future…sniff. But after a week without , I was starting to wonder if something was wrong. And then …I was so surprised that I tried to in a rush, but there wasn’t any …sob. Hic. What do I do…?”

  I have no idea what you should do, but does that work like some kind of censor?

  “Are we trapped in some kind of weird world created by Haruhi? Like a real-life version of that closed space thing?”

  Koizumi had his arms crossed as he leaned against the vending machine and rejected my hypothesis in a light tone.

  “The world has not been recreated. Suzumiya has cut off a sector of time. The period from August seventeenth to the thirty-first. Thus, we are currently in a world that only consists of two weeks. Any point before August seventeenth or after August thirty-first has disappeared. This is a world that will never see September.”

  He exhaled in what sounded like a failed attempt to whistle.

  “There is a process right before midnight on August thirty-first where everything is reset and returned to the seventeenth.”