The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  “Mikuru, you don’t need to swing the bat! Practice bunting. It’s not like you’re going to hit the ball if you swing. You want the ball to roll on the ground after it hits the bat. Ah, don’t pop it up!”

  I guess that baseball tournament had left a lasting impression on Haruhi. Don’t tell me that she plans on entering again next year.

  Haruhi was hogging the eighty-mph batting cage as she hit one fastball after another. She seemed to be enjoying herself so much that I found myself cheering up. This girl is really something. She must have a higher mitochondrial count than your average person. Wonder where all her energy comes from. If only she would use it for the greater good.

  After that, Haruhi moved through her schedule so fast that nobody had time to hit the Pause button, as we were constantly on the move every day.

  We even went to see a full-blown fireworks display. Aerial shells launched down by the shore. The three girls got back in their summer kimonos to be delighted (only Haruhi was delighted) by fireworks soaring into the sky before bursting into a fiery bloom, and to laugh at the failed attempts at making caricatures out of fireworks. Haruhi really enjoyed anything that was unnecessarily flashy. She had such an innocent smile when she was having a good time, and it made her look younger than her actual age, so I found myself averting my eyes. If I stare at her too long, I might get some weird ideas. Well, not that I know what those weird ideas might be. Still, I did understand the importance of dressing for the occasion.

  On a different day we entered an open goby fishing contest on a river near the district border. We didn’t catch a single goby—we kept reeling in these tiny fish that I’d never seen before—so we weren’t able to participate in the measuring. Haruhi seemed to be interested in the casting motion itself, so we didn’t have to deal with drastic penalties for losing or ego battles. I was very relieved and grateful that I didn’t have to worry about anyone’s accidentally fishing up a coelacanth, leaving me to savor the lunch that had been made by Asahina, who had turned pale upon seeing the worms used for bait and run off into the distance.

  By this point Haruhi and I were burned to a crisp, in sharp contrast with Koizumi and Asahina, who had used UV protection. Nagato could probably stand there for days without tanning, which was fine with me, since a brown Nagato would be a surreal sight.

  And yes, I realized that this wasn’t the time to be enjoying myself.

  The days flashed by as we raced along our set path.

  Haruhi was full of energy. I was greatly distressed. Asahina had turned a deeper shade of blue. Koizumi’s forced smile showed that he had resigned himself to this fate. Nagato was the only one who hadn’t changed.

  In retrospect, we did a lot of stuff over the past two weeks.

  We were approaching the time limit. Today was August thirtieth. Tomorrow would be our last day of summer vacation. I had to do something today or tomorrow, but I had no idea what to do. Summer sun, chirping cicadas—everything related to summer was a source of anxiety. And a high school baseball team had been crowned champion while I wasn’t paying attention. Wish this could all last a little longer.

  Until Haruhi was finally satisfied.

  Haruhi used the pen in her hand to cross off the items on her list.

  Yesterday we waited till the dead of night to head to a large cemetery with candles in hand for our last recreational event, a test of courage. There weren’t any ghosts popping out to greet us or disembodied souls floating around. The only notable highlight was Asahina whimpering timidly in vain.

  “We’ve finished our list.”

  It was August thirty-first, a little past noon. We were at the usual café in front of the station.

  Haruhi was staring at her sheet of paper as if the location of the lost treasures of Tokugawa were written on there in pen. Her expression was a mixture of satisfaction and regret. Under normal circumstances I would have felt a similar regret, since we had only one day of summer vacation left. Under normal circumstances.

  I was seriously doubting that summer vacation would actually end. Only natural for me to be skeptical. I’d have to be, after spending months in the SOS Brigade, a ridiculous organization led by an emotionally unstable brigade chief. Makes me wish I were more shallow. Able to assume the simple mind-set that it’s all good if Asahina is around…well, I’ll stop there. It’s possible to have too much of a good thing (the key is to use lingo that isn’t necessarily applicable).

  “Hmm. Was this enough?”

  Haruhi seemed to be wavering as she used her straw to poke at the vanilla ice cream in her cola float.

  “But yeah. I guess that’s all there is. Is there anything else you want to do?”

  Nagato made no response as she stared at the lemon slice in her black tea. Asahina had her fists clenched tightly above her knees, looking like a puppy that was being scolded. Koizumi merely smiled as he lifted his cup of Vienna coffee to his lips.

  As for me, I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I just sat there sullenly with my arms crossed as I tried to come up with something.

  “Oh, well. We managed to get a lot of stuff done this summer. We visited a bunch of places, got to wear summer kimonos, and caught lots of cicadas too.”

  It sounded to me like Haruhi was trying to convince herself that we’d done enough. That’s not the case here. It’s not enough. Deep down, Haruhi doesn’t want summer vacation to end yet. She may say it, but that won’t change how she feels on the inside. ’Cause if we dig deep down, way deep down there, she isn’t satisfied yet.

  “I guess that’s”—Haruhi handed me the bill—“all for today. I had tomorrow set aside in case, but you can just rest at home. I’ll see you all in the clubroom in two days, then.”

  Haruhi stood up and moved away from the table as I started to panic.

  I couldn’t let Haruhi leave. That would solve nothing. The two-week repetition, discovered by Koizumi and confirmed by Nagato, will enter its 15,499th iteration.

  But what was I supposed to do?

  Haruhi was walking away in slow motion.

  That was when, out of the blue with no warning at all—

  It hit me.

  A completely jumbled-up “Wait, I’ve seen this happen before…” kind of thing. However, this comes with a sense of vertigo like none before. An overpowering sensation of déjà vu that’s stronger than anything else so far. I recognize this. Memories from the ten-thousand-plus times we’ve repeated this scene. August thirty-first. One day left.

  There should have been some kind of hint in what Haruhi said. What was it, what was it, what was it?

  “Is something wrong?”

  Someone was talking. Koizumi must have mentioned something as well. Something I was worried about that I kept putting off…

  Haruhi was ready to leave the way she’s done thousands of times. I can’t let her leave. Nothing will change. What methods have I tried before? Memories began flashing before my eyes. Everything our predecessors had tried…

  And—everything they hadn’t tried.

  No time to think. Say something. Make a wild guess.

  “My list isn’t finished yet!”

  I didn’t need to make a big deal about it, though. Looking back later after I had calmed down, this was the creation of another memory that needed to be erased from my hippocampus. The surrounding patrons and employees, along with Haruhi, turning around from her position in front of the automatic door, focused their attention on me.

  Words came pouring out on their own.

  “That’s right, my homework!”

  Every person in the café was frozen by my sudden outburst.

  “What are you talking about?”

  Haruhi walked over while looking at me like I was crazy.

  “Your list? Homework?”

  “I haven’t touched my summer homework. I have to finish that before my summer can end.”

  “Are you insane?”

  The look she gave me implied that she thought I was. Don’t care rig
ht now.

  “Hey, Koizumi!”

  “Yes, what is it?”

  Koizumi also appeared to be taken aback.

  “Did you finish yours?”

  “No, we’ve been so busy that I’m only halfway through.”

  “Then we can do this together. Nagato, you too. You aren’t done yet, right?”

  I didn’t give Nagato a chance to respond as I turned to Asahina, whose mouth was hanging open like a puppet’s.

  “While we’re at it, I would also like Asahina to come. We’re going to finish our summer list.”

  “Huh…?”

  Asahina was a second-year, so her homework was different from ours, but that really didn’t matter right now.

  “B-but, um, where?”

  “We can do this at my house. Bring all your notes and problem sets so we can get them all done. Nagato and Koizumi, let me copy what you have done.”

  Koizumi nodded.

  “Is that all right with you, Nagato?”

  “Yes.”

  The head with a pseudo–bob cut nodded slowly before looking up at me.

  “Okay. Tomorrow, then. We start tomorrow morning. We’ll make it happen in a single day!”

  I pumped my fist in the air.

  “Hold it right there!”

  Haruhi had her hands on her hips as she stood next to our table.

  “Don’t decide everything on your own. I’m the brigade chief. You’re supposed to ask for my opinion first! Kyon, it’s a serious violation of regulations for a brigade member to make an independent decision!”

  And with that, Haruhi gave me a glare before shouting at the top of her lungs.

  “I’m coming too!”

  —The next day, the next morning.

  Looks like I guessed right. I woke up in my own bed to find that the ordeal was over.

  Because I could remember…That I had returned from the countryside after the Bon Festival. Going to the pool, catching cicadas, and all the other August memories involving Haruhi and everybody else. And best of all, I even remembered what yesterday’s date was.

  Yesterday was August thirty-first, and today was September first.

  According to my newest memories, there had been an SOS Brigade study session in my room on the last day of summer vacation. I recall being completely exhausted. When you consider the amount of effort it took to copy all the notes in one day, I can’t even imagine how much effort it would have taken to do the work on my own. I can guarantee that my vitality, energy, and spirit gauges were so low when I fell asleep last night that a single little punch would have taken me out.

  Yesterday Haruhi came up to my room carrying the mountain of homework she had already finished, gave a look of disdain to Koizumi, Nagato, Asahina, and me, scribbling away with our pencils, and ended up playing with my sister the whole time.

  “Don’t copy word for word.”

  Haruhi was playing video games with my sister in the room, and she continued talking while jamming away at the controller.

  “Like reword stuff and tweak calculations. The teachers aren’t a bunch of idiots. Yoshizaki, the math teacher, is especially tricky. He pays extra attention to those things. Though in my opinion his own solutions aren’t very elegant.”

  My room already felt cramped with five people plus my sister, and then my mother kept coming in with juice or lunch or snacks to make it feel even more crowded, but Haruhi, unlike the rest of us, who were engaging in so much wrist movement that carpal tunnel was imminent, appeared to be having a pretty good time. She had such a relaxed smile on her face. The smile you see higher-ups flash at lesser beings. In fact, Haruhi was so relaxed that she started giving Asahina, who was a grade above her, pointers on the essay she was struggling with. If Asahina gets a C on her report it’ll be Haruhi’s fault….

  And with those memories firmly lodged in my mind, I got out of bed.

  Today was the beginning of a new term. I think.

  I’ve never been so glad to see the second term begin.

  After the principal’s speech in the gym and a shortened homeroom session, school was over. The current date was September first. I knew this because Taniguchi and Kunikida gave me such condescending looks when I asked them for the date when we were in the classroom.

  The vendors and cafeteria weren’t open today, so Haruhi had gone off to the snack shop outside the school gate. Koizumi and I were the only ones in the clubroom.

  “Suzumiya excels both academically and athletically. I would assume that’s been the case since she was a child. Which was why she didn’t consider our summer homework to be a burden at all. And there was no chance that she would ever think to share the workload with friends. Since Suzumiya is fully capable of finishing the work by herself.”

  As I listened to Koizumi’s explanation, I drew a metal chair next to the window and looked down at the schoolyard. Today was the first day of a new term, so I could have just gone home, but somehow, I ended up coming here and found myself joined by Koizumi. The most unusual thing was the absence of Nagato. She didn’t let it show, but she may have been tired.

  There’d been a shift in the local cicada populace from Graptopsaltria nigrofuscata to Meimuna opalifera. Summer vacation was over. That much was certain. However—

  “Hard to believe it was real. That we experienced the second half of August fifteen thousand–plus times.”

  “It’s only natural to feel that way.”

  Koizumi flashed a cheerful smile as he cut the deck.

  “At this point we don’t share any memories with the incarnations from the fifteen thousand four hundred ninety-seven other loops. They do not exist on this time axis. For we, the members of the fifteen thousand four hundred ninety-eighth time, were the only ones able to return to the normal flow of time.”

  However, I had been given hints. The repeated sensations of déjà vu, especially the ones at the end, may have been gifts from our predecessors. Should I even consider them predecessors, since time was more or less a merry-go-round, like those tigers that ran in circles until they turned into butter.

  Still, I am here right now because of the ones who underwent those two weeks before us. I have to look at it that way or their summers, erased by Haruhi, would have been for nothing.

  Especially the 8,769 incarnations who knew they were being reset.

  “How about some poker?”

  Koizumi was shuffling cards like a novice magician. Guess I might as well humor him.

  “Sure. What are we playing for? Don’t have any money on me.”

  “No betting, then.”

  And naturally, when it didn’t count, I scored an insane win. The first time I’ve ever seen a royal flush.

  If I ever get an opportunity to redo this day, I’ll remember to place a bet.

  PREFACE · AUTUMN

  The cultural festival was over, and I found myself in a state of despondence as we entered the tail end of November.

  Director Haruhi had been pretty out of control during the filming, but the movie itself performed well enough at the screening. So I figured she would be satisfied and behave herself for the time being, but there was no change in her energy level before, during, or after the cultural festival.

  However, our school didn’t provide enough activities to keep the wheels in Haruhi’s mind spinning on a regular basis. The only event that had come up since was the election for student council president. To be honest, I was getting nervous about Haruhi’s decision to run for the office, but it appeared that Haruhi had formed the odd impression that the student council was the sworn enemy of minor student associations, so she wasn’t interested in infiltrating their organization and taking over as the mastermind who pulls the strings in this school conspiracy.

  In fact, she was more interested in taking down said mastermind—if one even exists.

  They’ve been kind enough to pretend that the SOS Brigade, a mockery of a student association, doesn’t exist. Haruhi should have been more appreciative and under
stood the position we were in, but instead, she was geared up to fight. Though at the moment, I had no idea how she intended to fight them.

  However, my expectation-slash-premonition was completely off the mark, as the next challenge didn’t come in the form of assassins sent by the student council.

  It came from our neighbors, seeking vengeance.

  THE DAY OF SAGITTARIUS

  All I could see was the dark expanse of space.

  It was as dark as if I’d wandered into the Horsehead Nebula with a blindfold on: there wasn’t a single speck of starlight to be found. Quite frankly, this might be just a half-assed attempt at drawing a background. And here I was, hoping for some kind of flashy special effects. Well, I’m sure that even the empty void of space has its own concerns to deal with. Something along the lines of budget or technical/time constraints.

  “Can’t see a thing.”

  I muttered to no one in general. My display’s been showing a black screen the entire time. I have to wonder if my monitor’s broken.

  As I pondered my current location in deep space, a dot of light appeared on the bottom of my empty screen and began to advance, forcing me to comment.

  “Hey, Haruhi. Shouldn’t you stay back a little more? Your flagship’s a little too far up.”

  Haruhi’s reply came as follows.

  “Operations Officer, address me as ‘Your Excellency.’ As chief of the SOS Brigade, I hold the same rank as a general field marshal. I’m top dog here.”

  I didn’t even get a chance to make a wisecrack about her use of “Operations Officer” and “Your Excellency” before someone else spoke up.

  “Your Excellency, Intelligence Officer Nagato has reported that the enemy armada is behaving suspiciously. Your orders?”

  Koizumi delivered his status report and Haruhi gave her reply.

  “It doesn’t matter. We simply charge!”

  A typical Haruhi order, but nobody would ever follow it. Hell, nobody did, since we all knew that a frontal assault would get us torn apart like the Takeda cavalry at Tanegashima.