Asahina had a worried look on her face as she raised her hand.
“Um…What am I supposed to do…?”
“Mikuru, you’ll only get in the way, so have your supply fleet go off somewhere else, since I’m not expecting anything from you. Kyon, you join Yuki and Koizumi in taking out their vanguard. And then I’ll deliver the coup de grace. With style!”
I really want somebody to stop her.
I looked back at my monitor to check on the position of my fleet, part of the SOS Brigade Space Force. The fifteen thousand vessels under my command, dubbed the
“Wah—Which way am I supposed to go?”
Asahina was practically squealing in bewilderment as she bumbled around like usual.
Any direction works. Just chill behind us, please. These ships may only exist on a screen, but I still don’t want to see harm done to something with your name on it.
Suddenly the monitor before me began to display a number of changes. Data from the scouts of
“Stay back, Haruhi,” I said. “They’ve split their armada. I’m guessing that they’re searching for your position. The boss should behave accordingly and stay in the back lines.”
“What did you say?”
Haruhi puckered her lips as she objected.
“You’re going to leave me out of this? That’s not fair. I want to get in there and fire beams and missiles like crazy too!”
I ordered
“Listen up, Haruhi. If your flagship is taken out, we lose. Look. The four enemy fleets rushing us are all chumps. The flagship and its fleet are giving orders from the rear. Do you send your king rushing into the enemy when playing chess? Especially when it’s the beginning of a match?”
“Well…you have a point.”
Haruhi had a sullen look on her face with a tinge of bruised ego. Her eyes were locked on me as though she were a cat asking for food.
“Well then, you guys take care of it. Find the enemy flagship and bombard away. We can’t lose to these punks. We’re absolutely going to win. Defeat will ruin the SOS Brigade reputation. And most important of all, I wouldn’t be able to stand them lording it over us!”
“Your Excellency.”
Koizumi immediately made his report.
“Intelligence Officer Nagato’s
His voice sounded serious enough, but the smile on his face made it hard to believe he was sincere.
“Oh, really?”
Haruhi seemed to be very pleased by Koizumi’s not-very-subtle attempt to suck up as she sat down in the brigade chief ’s chair with her arms crossed. The look on her face was what you would expect from a young officer straight out of the academy who’d been placed in charge because of his rank, despite his inability to provide strategic leadership.
“I’m willing to listen to the advice of Chief Officer Koizumi. Well then, work hard, everyone. Turn those impertinent computer society freaks into riddled, smoldering smithereens. Our goal is total annihilation. We’re going to smash them.”
I suppose that her being motivated to achieve total victory is a good thing, but she shouldn’t forget that our opponents wanted this battle in space. Our enemy, the computer society, probably has the same aspirations you do.
And from what I’ve seen, the SOS Brigade’s chances of winning were worse than the chances of the Imperial Japanese Navy at Leyte Gulf. There are no ifs in history, but assuming that you reran the scenario with equal numbers and equal forces on both sides, the IJN still would have gotten their asses handed to them. Shouldn’t we just raise the white flag already?
“Well, guess we can’t really do that.”
I rolled up my sleeves and checked my screen again for intelligence on the enemy. Nagato’s delivered again. She’s provided us with data on the positions of virtually every enemy unit, with the exception of the flagship fleet. The responsibility for leading our
forces to victory rested upon my shoulders, or, namely, upon my intellect and ability as the so-called operations officer.
What to do?
“Well…then.”
I stared at the flickering LCD screen on my notebook computer as I tried to come up with a plan for producing the result desired by Commander Haruhi. But first, I should probably explain our current situation. When you reach a crossroads in life, it’s usually beneficial to sort out your thoughts before you confuse yourself. That’s what I’ll do.
It all began a week ago.
After school one autumn day.
It was a few days after the cultural festival ended, and peace and quiet had returned to the school.
That’s a fairly generic introduction. Long story short, everything was back to the way it was before the festival, and I probably wasn’t the only person grateful that it had ended without incident.
Though to be perfectly honest, I couldn’t say for sure, since they never tell me what they’re thinking, but Koizumi’s smile seemed a little relieved and the absence of any expression on Nagato’s face seemed to reinforce my belief.
In any case, I’ve begun to regard the sight of this reading machine with her head buried in a book as a symbol of peace on Earth. If I were to catch sight of Nagato behaving oddly or making a fuss, that would be a sign that I needed to write either a will or my memoirs, since it’s more or less a given that nothing can happen that Nagato didn’t expect. If she’s sitting in the literary club room reading a foreign science fiction novel, that’s solid proof I won’t be waking up to a horrifying nightmare anytime soon.
Meanwhile, the beautiful girl who was from the future, despite being entirely clueless about the past, and who served as a pseudo-maid, was once again fully dressed in the attire of a domestic helper for no purpose at all and earnestly making us some steaming hot Japanese tea. I have no idea how Asahina learned the correct water temperature for the different types of tea leaves, but she’d stopped using the hot water dispenser and switched to boiling water in a kettle on the portable gas stove. She held a thermometer in one hand. Pretty sure this is the only place you’re going to find a girl from the future dressed like a maid who’s intently staring at a thermometer that’s stuck in an open kettle. And I had a feeling she was doing it wrong, but if I started trying to name everything that was wrong, I’d probably end up finding that there wasn’t anything in the SOS Brigade base that wasn’t, since everything here is out of whack. The only thing normal in this room would be my awareness of my own existence. I take my hat off to Descartes.
What was once the literary club room was now an alternate space that served as headquarters for Haruhi Suzumiya and her gang. The fact that I’ve managed to hold on to my sanity must mean I’m someone special. On second thought, I was the only one here who didn’t have a bizarre background, and the very existence of our brigade chief, Haruhi, was an enigma in itself. Something’s wrong when I’m the only person with any common sense in the group.
Four crazies versus one straight man. That’s not very balanced. Shouldn’t there at least be one other person to share this mental strain? Besides, it’s not like I enjoy playing the straight man. There are times when I’d rather not. I would gripe about the unfairness of having to shoulder this burden on my own, but I didn’t particularly want to
get Taniguchi or Kunikida involved in this. Not because I’d feel bad for them, but because they just aren’t up to the task. I doubt they have the vocabulary or reflexes to stand against Haruhi. Come to think of it, the two of them are a bit nutty like Tsuruya. Damn it all. Crazy is the new way to go?
“Hmm.”
I crossed my arms and began moaning as if deep in contemplation. It wasn’t that I was having trouble figuring out what my next move should be in the game of Go I was playing with Koizumi. It wasn’t very difficult to surround and take the majority of Koizumi’s black stones. Don’t put me on the same level as Koizumi, the board game fanatic who’s horrible at everything he plays. No, I was considering if this world was actually sane, since I’ve reached the conclusion that you have to be insane to survive in an insane world. The normal ones will find themselves gradually losing their sanity. You have to admire how I’ve managed to endure the SOS Brigade clubroom, a vortex of the irrational and absurd. It’s about time somebody praised me.
“Then shall I offer you words of admiration?”
At least Koizumi had the form of a master as he placed his stone on the board and removed one of my white stones. He could play with the best of them, but he didn’t notice that it would only be a matter of time before his move came back to haunt him.
“I’ll pass.”
That was my response as I dipped my fingers into my bowl of stones and shuffled them around, gauging what seemed to be a sincere expression of admiration on Koizumi’s face. It failed to bring me any joy, so I continued in a lethargic voice.
“It wouldn’t feel good coming from you. I’ll just end up worried that there’s a catch somewhere. Just to be clear, I’m not a pawn in your game. If you expect me to act the way you people want, then you’ve got another think coming.”
“I can’t help but wonder which one of our factions your statement is referring to, but you have it all wrong. You and Suzumiya have been completely unpredictable every step of the way. My presence here would be proof of that.”
If Koizumi had never transferred to this school, Haruhi would never have recruited him to be a member of the SOS Brigade. She was never interested in Itsuki Koizumi’s gender, personality, character, or appearance. All she cared about was the fact that he was a transfer student. He was pretty much screwed after transferring to this school at an unusual time of year. Or maybe he transferred here on purpose to get closer to Haruhi. Yet considering how he happens to be one of those espers Haruhi is looking for, his situation would be akin to that of a person living next to radioactive material and having to constantly worry about a Chernobyl that can’t be predicted. It’s possible that he actually wanted to stay as far away from her as he could.
“In the past, perhaps.”
Koizumi stared at the Go stone in his hand.
“The original plan was to observe her from a distance. Thus, I was terrified when Suzumiya first came to see me and brought me to this clubroom after school. And then she announced that our goal was to find aliens, time travelers, and espers and have fun with them. I could only laugh.”
Koizumi sounded a bit nostalgic as he reminisced.
“But it’s different now. I may have started off as an enigmatic transfer student, but that description no longer applies to me. I’m sure that Suzumiya agrees.”
So what? You’re still an enigma as far as I’m concerned.
Koizumi looked around the clubroom, stopping at Nagato, reading in the corner of the room like a cat that prefers narrow places, before moving on to Asahina, still staring intently at the kettle, and finally returning to me.
Haruhi wasn’t around. She was on classroom cleaning duty. Otherwise, Koizumi and I wouldn’t be relaxing here and having a leisurely conversation.
So we were sitting around the clubroom without the brigade chief present, and Koizumi was smiling the way an experienced veterinarian would smile at an injured small bird.
“Nagato, Asahina, me, and you, of course. We are all sanctioned members of the SOS Brigade. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m sure that’s how Suzumiya feels about it.”
Is there a point in judging if someone is more or less than a member of the SOS Brigade?
“Absolutely. Extraordinary entities such as aliens and sliders would be worth more. Ordinary humans who aren’t brigade members would be worth less.”
So Taniguchi, Kunikida, Tsuruya, and my sister would all be worth less than brigade members? Not that I’m trying to defend them, but it would pain me to think that they’re worth less than I am.
“The logic is simple. If Suzumiya considered them important, they would be here with us right now as fellow members. Their absence shows that Suzumiya doesn’t consider them important. She values them as much as a random ordinary person walking by. As they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty.”
“What about sliders? None have showed up yet?”
“In hindsight, I would say that none currently exist in this world. For if any existed, he or she would inevitably have been summoned to this room by chance.”
“That’s a good thing. I’m not interested in running off to an alternate dimension.”
As I placed a white stone on the board to eliminate a considerable number of Koizumi’s pieces, all but assuring victory, a teacup was placed next to the Go board.
“I’m sorry about the wait. Here’s your tea.”
Asahina was standing next to us with a smile you’d expect to find on a coach who had led a scrappy Little League baseball team to a regional championship.
“I bought these Karigane leaves for the first time. I think I was able to brew it well…It was expensive, though.”
It is a travesty that you have to pay out of your own pocket. You should ask Haruhi to reimburse you later. Well, it really isn’t necessary to splurge on tea leaves. Even tap water, once graced by Asahina’s hands, would taste better than Evian mineral water.
“Hee hee, drink it slowly.”
It was clear that Asahina had become accustomed to wearing her maid costume as she placed a teacup in front of Koizumi before turning to gracefully carry the tray with the remaining teacup over to Nagato.
“…”
Nagato showed no reaction, just as always, but it appeared that no reaction was less of a strain on Asahina than an actual expression of gratitude. I have yet to see the SOS Brigade alien and time traveler engage in a friendly conversation. Actually, I’ve never seen Nagato have a pleasant conversation with anybody. Well, I guess that’s fine. It’d be scary if Nagato suddenly started jabbering away, and a waste if she turned into another Haruhi, who just needs to shut up.
If someone never talks and doesn’t make any trouble, we should keep it that way.
After spending some time playing Go and sipping my tea, I could almost forget about the evil in this world. However, this pedestrian moment of peace didn’t last long, as trouble, afraid of being forgotten, has a habit of rearing its ugly head on a regular basis.
There was a knock on the door. I looked up at the scratched, cheap door and steeled myself. For what? The four brigade members who weren’t Haruhi were currently lounging around the clubroom. And Haruhi would be the last person in the world to show manners and knock on the door. Which meant that the person on the other side wasn’t Haruhi or another member of the SOS Brigade, but an outsider. No idea who it was, but I could use my masterful powers of deduction to conclude that he or she was bringing us some kind of mess to deal with. See Kimidori a few months ago.
“Yes, coming right away!”
I could hear Asahina shuffling toward the door. She’s become so used to this routine that she no longer questions why she’s acting like a maid. Is that…a good thing?
“Ah?!”
Asahina apparently saw someone unexpected after opening the door. Her eyes were wide open.
“Welcome…P-please come in?”
Asahina took two steps back as she covered her chest with her arms for some reason.
“No, I’ll stay out here.”
Our visitor sounded a little nervous as he stuck his head through the doorway and looked around the room.
“The brigade chief isn’t around, huh…”
The speaker, who was unable to conceal the relief in his voice, was the leader of our neighbors, the computer society president.
No one else made a move, so I had to serve as the receptionist. Asahina was frozen in place, Koizumi was simply smiling at the upperclassman, and Nagato had yet to look away from her book.
“How may we help you?”
He’s an upperclassman. I should probably show some respect. I stood up and stepped in front of Asahina in a semblance of shielding her. Hmm? The computer society president, standing right outside the doorway, was followed by a cluster of male students who seemed to hover, like a bunch of ancestral spirits that were haunting him. What’s up? It’s the wrong time of year for a vendetta attack.
The president appeared to relax upon seeing that I was the one
who stepped forward, as a thin smile spread across his face and he straightened his back.
“First, I’d like you to take this.”
I didn’t really understand why he was holding out a CD case to me. Why would I accept it? The computer society had no reason to give us any presents without an ulterior motive, so naturally I was skeptical.
“No, this isn’t anything dangerous,” said the president. “You’ll find game software inside. It’s an original we developed. We released it at the cultural festival just the other day. Did you happen to see it?”
Sorry, but I didn’t have time. The only memories I want to retain from the cultural festival are those of the band performance and Asahina’s waitress costume.
“I see…”
The president wasn’t offended, but his shoulders slumped as he mumbled something about their display’s being in a bad spot. If you just came here to chat, you should finish up and get going. Don’t blame me if Haruhi shows up and turns this into a big fight.
The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya Page 6
