The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  “It’s like the Mary Celeste.”

  Haruhi probably meant that as a joke, but I wasn’t laughing.

  The five of us had searched the first floor together. We walked single file through the hallways, checking every door we came across to scrounge around for useful items. We also discovered a laundry room with a giant dryer, a karaoke room with brand-new machines, a bath that was as big as the ones you would find in public bathhouses, and a recreation room equipped with a pool table, Ping-Pong table, and automated mah-jongg table…

  I could only hope that these rooms hadn’t popped out of nowhere in the past twenty-four hours.

  “There is another possible explanation.”

  Koizumi set his cup on the saucer and picked up one of the shining candelabras as if he were playing with it. For a moment I almost thought that he was going to swipe it, but he soon placed it back on the table after a thorough appraisal.

  “The inhabitants of this mansion went on a long trip before the blizzard hit and the bad weather is inhibiting their return.”

  He smiled thinly at Haruhi.

  “In that case, they will return once the blizzard dies down. Hopefully, they will forgive us for coming in without permission.”

  “I’m sure they will. We didn’t have a choice. Ah, maybe this mansion is set up to be an emergency shelter for skiers who get lost? That would explain why it’s empty.”

  “I don’t think you can have an emergency shelter without a phone or radio.”

  My voice was fatigued. That was the only thing I had learned after the five of us walked around the entire first floor. Not only had we failed to find any means of communication or source of outside news, there wasn’t a single clock in the building.

  Even worse, I was starting to get the feeling that this mansion ignored a lot of building and fire codes.

  “Who would build such a large and inconvenient emergency shelter?”

  “The federal or municipal government? It’s probably funded by tax money. In that case, I don’t need to feel bad about drinking this tea. I pay taxes so I have a right to use these facilities…. Right, I’m feeling hungry so let’s make something. Give me a hand, Mikuru.”

  Once Haruhi made up her mind, she ignored everybody else. She swiftly took Asahina’s hand.

  “Huh? Ah, y-yes!”

  Asahina gave us a worried look as she was dragged to the kitchen. I felt bad for her, but I was concerned about the flow-of-time issue Koizumi was talking about, so I needed Haruhi to make herself scarce.

  “Nagato.”

  I turned to the girl with short hair, who was staring at her empty ceramic cup.

  “What’s up with this mansion? Where are we?”

  Nagato remained frozen in position. After thirty seconds or so, she finally opened her mouth.

  “This space is putting strain on me.”

  That remark came out of nowhere.

  I don’t get it. What does she mean? Can’t Nagato contact her creator or patron or whatever and get them to deal with this? This is an abnormal situation. Shouldn’t they lend us a hand every now and then?

  Nagato finally turned to look my way, but there was no expression on her face.

  “My link to the Data Overmind has been cut off. Cause cannot be determined.”

  Her voice was so faint that it took me a few minutes to digest what she said. Once I had collected my thoughts, I posed another question.

  “…Since when?”

  “Since six hours and thirteen minutes ago by my internal clock.”

  That number didn’t mean much when I’d lost my sense of time.

  “Since the moment we were caught in the blizzard.”

  Her black eyes were calm as always. But my heart was unable to stay calm at this point.

  “Why didn’t you tell us, then?”

  I wasn’t trying to blame her. Her quiet nature was proof that she was behaving normally. Something that can’t be changed and absolutely must not be changed.

  “Which means that we aren’t in the real world right now? It’s not just this mansion…the snowy mountain area we were walking through that entire time was part of this alternate space that somebody created?”

  Nagato was silent for a few moments before responding.

  “I do not know.”

  She lowered her head in a gesture that somehow felt lonely. The sight reminded me of the Nagato from a while back. Made my heart jump for a second. Still, I didn’t expect to run into a non-Haruhi-related phenomenon that Nagato couldn’t comprehend.

  I looked up at the ceiling as I directed my next question to the other SOS Brigade member here.

  “What about you? Got anything to say?”

  “You can’t possibly expect me to understand an anomaly that baffles Nagato.”

  The deputy brigade chief directed a meaningful glance at Nagato as he straightened his posture.

  “All I know is that we aren’t in closed space this time. This area was not created by Suzumiya’s subconscious.”

  You sure about that?

  “Yes. I happen to be a specialist when it comes to Suzumiya’s mental activity. I can tell when she alters reality. Suzumiya has done nothing of the sort this time. She did not desire this situation. I can guarantee that she is in no way responsible for our current predicament. I’m willing to bet on it. I’ll double any wager you make.”

  “Who’s responsible then?”

  A slight chill ran down my back. Maybe it was the blizzard, but when I looked out the dining hall window, all I could see was gray. I wouldn’t be surprised to see one of those pale pop out.

  Koizumi apparently took his cue from Nagato as he shrugged in silence. He didn’t seem very worried, but that may have been an act. He probably didn’t want to let us see him with a grim look on his face.

  “Sorry about the wait!”

  That was when Haruhi and Asahina walked over carrying a large platter of sandwiches.

  According to my internal clock, Haruhi and Asahina had only been gone for a few minutes. We’d only been waiting for five minutes or so at most. However, I asked Haruhi in passing to learn that it’d taken them at least half an hour to prepare the food, which made sense when you looked at the stack of sandwiches they had made. Thin slices of bread that had been toasted individually, seasoned ham and lettuce, chopped-up hard-boiled eggs with mayonnaise. The prep work would have taken much longer than five minutes by itself. And it would have taken a considerable amount of time to prepare so many sandwiches, even if they had used every shortcut in the book. The sandwiches were delicious, but I digress. I’d had the opportunity to experience Haruhi’s cooking skills in the form of the Christmas hot pot, but seriously, was there anything she couldn’t do? If I’d gone to the same grade school as her, ethics would have been the only subject where I would have had a chance at beating her…

  I poked myself in the head.

  This wasn’t the time to let my mind wander. I needed to focus on our current situation right now.

  Asahina seemed rather anxious about the sandwiches she had made, as she would stop breathing every time I reached for another one before sighing in relief or tensing up. The former reaction meant I was grabbing one of Haruhi’s and the latter reaction meant I was grabbing one of Asahina’s. Very easy to understand.

  She still didn’t know. I haven’t told Koizumi either. And I couldn’t let Haruhi find out.

  Nagato and I were the only ones who knew that I still had a task to perform.

  That’s right—

  I still needed to go back in time and save the world.

  I figured there was no rush, so I was planning on putting it off till next year. Was it a mistake to relax and enjoy the end of this year, considering that I still needed to tell Asahina everything and work out a plan? What if we never got out of this mansion…?

  No, wait.

  That wouldn’t make sense. Nagato, Asahina, and I were guaranteed to travel back in time to the middle of December. Or you wo
uldn’t be able to explain the three figures I saw. Which meant that we would successfully make our way back to normal space? If so, I could finally have some peace of mind.

  “Come on, eat up.”

  Haruhi was stuffing her mouth with sandwiches and gulping down tea.

  “There’s plenty more left. We can even make more, if you want. The pantry is loaded with food.”

  Koizumi smiled and winced as he took a bite of his ham cutlet sandwich.

  “They’re delicious. Absolutely scrumptious. As good as the ones you would find in a restaurant.”

  His exaggerated compliments were directed at Haruhi, but he wasn’t my concern right now. Neither was Asahina, who was barely eating anything because of her guilt about using the kitchen and pantry without permission.

  “…”

  It was Nagato.

  Typically she wouldn’t be nibbling away at her food.

  The alien-made organic android’s hands and mouth were moving at half-speed, as if she had lost her robust appetite.

  The light meal was eventually devoured, mostly thanks to Haruhi and my willpower.

  “Time to take a bath.”

  Haruhi made a rather insolent suggestion, but nobody objected. And, by nature, she took the absence of dissent to mean approval.

  “We passed that huge bath earlier. There weren’t separate ones for each gender so we’ll have to take turns, of course. As the brigade chief, I cannot tolerate any inappropriate conduct. Everybody okay with ladies first?”

  It probably didn’t help that I didn’t have any better ideas myself, but I had to appreciate having Haruhi here to rattle off orders every step of the way in situations like this one. That by itself was enough to help provide a distraction. Since I wasn’t getting anywhere by sitting around and thinking, moving my body around mechanically might help stimulate the brain and spark some kind of inspiration. Time to trust my brainpower.

  “But first, we should decide on room arrangements. Any preferences? They’re all the same, though.”

  According to Koizumi’s theory, it would be best for us to stay in the same room, but that suggestion would probably bring a Frog Jump uppercut flying into my face, so I resisted making it.

  “We should all take rooms that are next to one another. Just find five rooms that are next to or across from one another.”

  As soon as I finished that serious spiel, Haruhi stood up from her seat.

  “Well, let’s find some rooms on the second floor, then.”

  Haruhi made a dashing figure as she marched off with the rest of us following her. On the way we picked up the skiwear we had left by the entrance and threw everything into the dryer in the laundry room before we went upstairs.

  Haruhi chose to commandeer the five rooms that were closest to the stairs so we would be prepared to jump out if anybody returned to the mansion. Koizumi and I were next to each other while Nagato, Haruhi, and Asahina were across the hallway. Haruhi’s room was directly across from mine.

  As I had noticed when Haruhi and I were walking around the mansion, the bedrooms were literally just that, a bed and not much else in terms of furniture. Those super-cheap business hotels had more furnishings than these bedrooms. Aside from the antique dressing table, there was just a bed and some curtains. The windows were completely sealed shut and on closer inspection turned out to be double-paned. They must have provided some soundproofing effect, as the terrible weather continued outside but I couldn’t hear the howling wind or blowing snow. It was actually kind of creepy.

  There was nothing to unpack, so once we finished assigning rooms we assembled in the red-carpeted hallway.

  Haruhi’s smile was unnecessarily suggestive.

  “Understand, Kyon?”

  Understand what?

  “That should be obvious. You aren’t allowed to do what the typical adolescent boy would do in this situation. I absolutely hate stereotypes!”

  So what am I supposed to do?

  “Like I’m saying…”

  Haruhi tugged on the arms of the two female brigade members as she leaned into the hair framing Nagato’s tranquil face before yelling at me.

  “No peeking!”

  I watched as the three girls walked away, with Haruhi making all the noise, before slipping out of my own room. There was complete silence in the hallways of the mansion, in contrast to the howling of the blizzard outside. The air was warm. However, I felt anything but comfortable. It was hard to appreciate warmth that only served to chill my heart.

  I tiptoed my way over to the room next door and knocked softly.

  “What is it?”

  Koizumi stuck out his head and greeted me with a warm smile as he opened his mouth to speak. I placed a finger on my lips and he closed his mouth with a knowing look as I quietly slid into his room. I would have preferred to sneak into Asahina’s room, but I didn’t have time to play around right now.

  “I have something to tell you.”

  “Oh?”

  Koizumi sat down on the bed and motioned for me to join him.

  “What might that be? I’m very curious. Is this something you don’t want the other three members to hear about?”

  “I don’t care if Nagato hears about this.”

  I shouldn’t need to explain what I’m about to say.

  The entire course of events from the disappearance of Haruhi to the moment I woke up in a hospital bed. Ryoko Asakura’s return, my second trip through time to the Tanabata three years before, the SOS Brigade members with completely different backgrounds, the adult version of Asahina, and how I was supposed to restore the world in the near future—

  “This will be a long story.”

  I sat down next to Koizumi and began to talk.

  Koizumi was an excellent listener, giving appropriate responses at intervals and paying close attention to the very end.

  I only covered the major points, so it didn’t take as long as I’d expected. There were a few places where I wanted to go into further detail, but my focus was on making my explanation simple and sweeping.

  Koizumi willingly listened until the very end.

  “I see.”

  He didn’t seem particularly excited as he brushed his fingers against his mouth.

  “If what you say is true, I can only say that I find it fascinating.”

  Is “fascinating” how you talk to people?

  “No, I truly feel that way. In fact, I have my own suspicions. Your anecdote would serve to reinforce those suspicions.”

  I probably didn’t have a very amused look on my face. What kind of suspicions are we talking about?

  “There is a possibility of decay.”

  What are you talking about?

  “Suzumiya’s power. As well as Nagato’s ability to manipulate data.”

  What are you trying to say? I looked at Koizumi. He still had that innocent smile on his face.

  “I mentioned before Christmas that Suzumiya has been creating closed space at a less frequent pace. And accordingly, it feels that Nagato…how should I put this, her alien aura? That atmosphere about her. It has been weakening.”

  “…Heh.”

  “Suzumiya’s behavior is gradually approaching that of an ordinary young girl. On top of that, Nagato is seemingly distancing herself from her position as a terminal for the Data Overmind—at least, that is how it appears to me.”

  Koizumi looked straight at me.

  “As far as I am concerned, these changes are more than I could ever have hoped for. If Suzumiya can accept her current reality and abandon her desire to change the world, my job will more or less be done. And it would be a big help if Nagato were to become an ordinary girl in high school. As for Asahina…well, I suppose we can cope with her being a time traveler.”

  Koizumi continued with his monologue as if I weren’t there.

  “You must travel back to the past in order to restore yourself and the world. Because you already witnessed the future versions of you, Nagato, and Asahina at that
point in the past—I believe?”

  Got that right.

  “However, we are currently stranded in the middle of a blizzard on this mountain inside this dubious mansion that someone prepared for us. Circumstances beyond Nagato’s comprehension. You could say that we have been trapped inside an alternate space. If the current situation doesn’t change, you won’t be able to return to the past, so it would be safe to assume that you, Nagato, and Asahina will need to return to our original space at the very least. No, your return is inevitable at this point…”

  Wouldn’t make sense otherwise. That was probably why I wasn’t as nervous as I should have been. I definitely heard my own voice back then. I had yet to return to the past, which meant that I would be making a journey in the near future. In that case, it wouldn’t be possible for me to stay in this mansion forever, as it had already been determined that I would have to leave eventually. As Asahina (Big) once said, “Or you wouldn’t be here right now, would you?”

  “I see.”

  Koizumi repeated himself as he smiled at me.

  “However, I have a different theory to offer. A rather pessimistic theory, if you will. Put simply, this hypothesis assumes that it won’t matter if none of us ever return to our original space.”

  Stop trying to act smart and just spit it out.

  “Well then,” Koizumi began as he lowered his voice cautiously.

  “It is possible that we are not the originals but mere copies in an alternate world.”