The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  “You aren’t Asahina.”

  I slowly inched backward as I stared at the tears welling up in those gorgeous eyes. Something’s wrong with me. Does it really matter if she’s Asahina or not when I’m making her look so sad? (Stop that.)

  “Enough of that.”

  I managed to get the words out of my mouth.

  “Who are you? The person who made this mansion? Are you an alien or a slider? Why are you doing this?”

  “…Kyon-kun.”

  This Asahina’s voice was oozing with sorrow. She looked down and bit her lip before taking action.

  “!”

  Her shirt fluttered in the air as she raced for the door like the wind. She paused for a moment in the doorway and turned to me with teary eyes before dashing out into the hallway. The door slammed shut with a surprisingly loud sound that woke me up as I remembered that the door had been locked from the inside. It should have been impossible for anybody to get in without a spare key.

  “Please wait!”

  I yelled out in a polite voice as I ran over to the door and threw it open.

  Bam. Another loud sound. I certainly used a considerable amount of force, but opening a single door shouldn’t produce that much noise—

  “Huh? You…”

  Haruhi’s face was right in front of mine. Haruhi, in the room across the hall, had opened her own door at the same time and stuck her head out as she stared at me with her jaw dropped.

  “Kyon, weren’t you in my room a second ago…or I guess not.”

  Haruhi and I weren’t the only ones sticking our heads out in the hallway.

  “Um.”

  Asahina, wearing a T-shirt, was to Haruhi’s right as she stuck her puzzled face through a half-open door. On the opposite side—

  “…”

  —was Nagato’s slim figure. I also looked to my side.

  “Well, well.”

  Koizumi was scratching his nose as he gave me an odd look and smiled awkwardly.

  That explained the loud sound at least. The five of us had opened our doors at virtually the same time. A quintet in unison, if you will.

  “What’s up with everybody?”

  Haruhi was the first to recover and glare at me.

  “Why did everybody come out of their room at the same time?”

  I was chasing a fake Asahina—or so I was going to say when I realized that Haruhi had said something rather odd.

  “What about you? Were you going to the bathroom or something?”

  Surprisingly enough, Haruhi looked down at the floor and bit her lip before she finally responded.

  “I had a weird dream. A dream where you snuck into my room. You were talking and, um, acting completely out of character so I knew that something was wrong…Yeah, I punched you in the face and you ran away…Huh? It was just a dream…right? But something doesn’t seem quite right.”

  If that had just been a dream, it would mean you’re still dreaming at this very moment. I watched as Haruhi’s brow creased and Koizumi walked over to me.

  “I had a similar experience.”

  He stared at my face.

  “You also appeared in my room. At least, someone who matched you perfectly in outward appearance. However, the person who resembled you was behaving in a rather uncomfortable manner…Well, let’s just say that he did some things I would never expect you to do, yes?”

  I was getting scared for no real reason. I looked away from Koizumi’s smirking face and focused my attention on Asahina. The real one. I could tell instantly. How could I have been fooled by that phony? Behavior, general aura, you name it. This was how Asahina was supposed to be.

  I’m not sure how Asahina interpreted my gaze, as she suddenly blushed. I was about to ask if I had also shown up in her room.

  “Suzumiya came to me.”

  She twisted her fingers together.

  “Um, a Suzumiya that was kind of strange…I’m not sure how to say this, but she almost seemed like an imposter…”

  It was an imposter. That was clear, but what was going on here exactly? Each of us had a fake member show up in our room? Asahina in my room, me in Haruhi and Koizumi’s room, Haruhi in Asahina’s room…

  “Nagato,” I said before asking, “who came to your room?”

  Nagato, dressed only in a T-shirt like Asahina, silently looked up at me with a seemingly numb expression on her face.

  “You.”

  She responded in a barely audible voice before slowly closing her eyes.

  And then—

  “…Yuki?!”

  —Haruhi exclaimed in the background as I witnessed an unbelievable sight.

  Nagato, the one and only Yuki Nagato, collapsed in a heap as if an invisible hand had pushed her down.

  “What’s wrong, Yuki? Hey…”

  Every one of us was left dumbstruck, with the exception of Haruhi, who immediately ran over to support Nagato’s small frame.

  “Whoa…She’s burning up. Yuki, you okay? Hey, Yuki!”

  Nagato’s eyes were still shut and her head was limp. Her expressionless face suggested that she was asleep. However, I had a gut feeling that Nagato wasn’t simply slumbering away.

  Haruhi put her arm around Nagato’s shoulder as she started to bark out orders with a stern look on her face.

  “Koizumi, carry Yuki to her bed. Kyon, go find some ice bags. There should be some around there somewhere. Mikuru, go wet a few towels.”

  Asahina, Koizumi, and I stood there gaping for a moment before Haruhi yelled at us again.

  “Hurry!”

  Once I saw Koizumi lift up the unconscious Nagato, I quickly headed down the stairs. Ice bags, huh? Where am I supposed to look…

  That particular line of thought was probably a sign that I hadn’t recovered from the shock of seeing Nagato collapse. I still couldn’t believe what had happened. As a result, I could no longer be bothered to care about the mystery surrounding the fake Asahina in my room or the phonies that had appeared in the other rooms. Do whatever you want. It’s got nothing to do with me.

  “Balls.”

  We were seriously in trouble. Damn, I’d been hoping to let Nagato enjoy a normal and peaceful life for a while, but this would be the exact opposite.

  As I wandered around without any idea of where to find any ice bags, I somehow ended up in the kitchen. In my house, we kept the cooling sheets in the fridge instead of the first-aid box. Was that the case in this mansion?

  “Wait.”

  I froze as I was about to grab the handle of the large refrigerator. I visualized an ice bag and concentrated as hard as I could.

  Then I opened the fridge.

  “…Knew it.”

  A blue ice bag rested on top of a head of cabbage.

  How considerate of them. A very convenient mechanism. But it was having the opposite effect—that of strengthening my resolve.

  That we couldn’t stay here another second.

  I left the dining hall with the chilly ice bag in my hand when I saw Koizumi standing by the entrance to the mansion. He was staring at the door, but I wasn’t sure why. Did Haruhi order him to gather snow or something?

  I walked over to offer a few words of candid advice, but Koizumi noticed me and spoke first.

  “Perfect timing. Could you take a look at this?”

  He pointed at the door.

  I saved my own remarks for later and looked in the direction he was pointing to discover something so strange that I was left speechless.

  “What is this?”

  Those were the only words I could manage.

  “I didn’t notice this here earlier.”

  “Yes, it wasn’t here before. I was the last person to enter the mansion. I checked the door when I shut it and this wasn’t there at the time.”

  An object that was difficult to describe had been attached to the inside of the front door of the mansion. I guess the closest comparison would be something along the lines of a console or panel.

  A shiny
metal plate—or I guess that “panel” would be the most appropriate word here—around twenty inches long on each side was affixed to the wooden door, sporting symbols and numbers that made my head hurt.

  I sucked it up and focused my eyes. First, at the very top:

  x – y = (D – 1) – z

  And then a little below that:

  x = □, y = □, z = □

  The boxes were actually indentations, as if we were supposed to place something in them. I stared at the three holes in bewilderment.

  “The pieces are over there.”

  Koizumi pointed at the floor, where there was a wooden box with an assortment of numbered blocks inside. On closer look, there were three sets of blocks numbered 0 through 9. I picked one up. It was shaped like a mah-jongg tile and was about the same weight. However, the difference was that the surfaces of these tiles were engraved with Arabic numerals.

  Blocks for the ten different digits with three of each, all stored in the flat wooden box.

  “The numbers that correspond to the solution for this equation,” Koizumi said as he picked up a block and examined it, “should be placed in the open spaces, I presume.”

  I looked back at the formula again. My head began to hurt. Math was one of the many subjects that gave me considerable trouble.

  “Koizumi, do you know the answer?”

  “I believe that I have seen a similar problem before, but I’ll need more information before I can try to solve it. If the goal is to simply make both sides of the equation equal, there are a multitude of possible combinations. But if this puzzle only has one correct solution, we will need additional conditions before we can settle on an answer.”

  I turned my attention to the letter in the equation that didn’t quite fit.

  “What’s with the D? It looks like we aren’t required to solve for it.”

  “And it’s the only letter that’s uppercase.”

  Koizumi toyed with a number 0 tile as he lowered his voice.

  “This formula…I have a feeling that I recognize it. It’s on the tip of my tongue…What was it? I’m pretty sure that I saw this recently.”

  He stood in place with his brow creased. That’s unusual. You rarely ever see Koizumi with a serious look on his face, deep in thought.

  “So, is this supposed to mean something?”

  I returned the tile in my hand to the box.

  “I can see that a math problem suddenly popped up on the inside of the door, but why does it matter?”

  “Yes.”

  Koizumi seemed to snap out of it.

  “It’s the key. The door has been locked. There is no way to open it from the inside. I spent some time fiddling with the doorknob to no avail.”

  “What?”

  “You’ll understand once you give it a try. As you can see, there is no keyhole or lock on the inside.”

  I gave it a try. The door wouldn’t open.

  “Who locked the door and how? If this is an automatic lock, we should be able to open the door from the inside.”

  “More proof that common sense does not apply in this space.”

  Koizumi went back to his mindless smile.

  “I do not know who is responsible, but someone is trying to trap us in here. The windows have all been sealed shut and the door at the entrance is locked tight…”

  “So, what about the formula on the panel? A quiz for killing time?”

  “If I’m not mistaken, this formula is the key to opening the door.”

  Koizumi sounded rather calm.

  “Our only means of escape, provided to us by Nagato.”

  Koizumi paid no heed to the rush of nostalgia I was experiencing after recent memories had resurfaced as he continued to rattle away.

  “You could call this a war of data. A form of limited conflict, if you will. Someone has trapped us within this alternate space. Nagato has countered by providing us with a means of escape. I assume that this formula would be the result. If we solve this equation, we will be able to return to our original dimension. If we fail, we’ll be stuck here. Simple as that.”

  Koizumi rapped on the door.

  “We have no way of knowing the basic details of this war. As this is a war of data between elemental entities, it is beyond our understanding. However, their struggle is manifested through such practical measures. This panel would be one such example.”

  A math problem didn’t seem to fit in with this bizarre mansion.

  “This is no coincidence. Each of us experienced a rather peculiar dream, which was immediately followed by Nagato’s collapse and the appearance of this panel on the door…This sequence of events did not occur by accident. They must be related somehow.”

  If Koizumi was worried in any way, he was doing a good job of hiding it.

  “I am positive that this is the key to our escape. Most likely courtesy of Nagato.”

  I checked to see if it said COPYRIGHT © BY YUKI NAGATO on the panel anywhere. It didn’t.

  “This is merely conjecture, but I believe that Nagato’s power is limited in this space. Now that her link with the Data Overmind has been severed, she can only rely on her innate abilities. That would explain the haphazard means of escape.”

  You’re making a lot of sense for mere conjecture.

  “Yes, I suppose. The ‘Agency’ has made contact with other interfaces aside from Nagato, so I happen to have access to certain information.”

  I was interested in hearing about these other aliens, but there wasn’t time for that right now. We needed to deal with this weird puzzle first. I was looking between the symbols on the panel and the numbered blocks in the wooden box when I remembered something Nagato had said in her flat voice.

  “This space is putting strain on me.”

  I didn’t know the identity of the person who had led us into this mansion in the middle of a blizzard, but I wasn’t going to forgive whoever was responsible for Nagato’s getting a fever and passing out. I wasn’t about to go along with that little puke’s plans. I was ready to do whatever it took to get out of this place and back to Tsuruya’s vacation home. Accompanied by every single SOS Brigade member, no exceptions.

  Nagato had done her job. I couldn’t see or hear her handiwork, but I was certain that she’d been fighting this invisible “enemy” from the second we stepped into this alternate space. That was probably why she looked more out of it than usual. As a result, she was able to create this small opening as she collapsed. Now it was our turn to open the door.

  “Let’s bust out of this joint.”

  Koizumi responded to my proclamation with an easy smile.

  “Of course, that was the plan. This place may be comfortable, but I wouldn’t want to stay here forever. Utopia and dystopia are merely two sides of the same coin.”

  “Koizumi.”

  My voice was so serious that I surprised myself.

  “Can you use your ESP to open a hole? The situation’s looking bad. With Nagato the way she is now, you’re the only one who can do something about this.”

  “You are overestimating my abilities.”

  Koizumi was still smiling, despite our current predicament.

  “I do not recall ever saying that I am an omnipotent esper. My powers only come into play under certain conditions. You should be aware of that fact by—”

  I didn’t bother listening to the rest of his sentence. I grabbed Koizumi by the collar and pulled him over to me.

  “I didn’t ask for your excuses.”

  I glared at Koizumi and that cynical smile of his.

  “Don’t you specialize in alternate space? Asahina can’t be depended on, and Haruhi’s out of the question. There must be something you can do, like with the cave cricket. Or is your ‘Agency’ made up of a bunch of useless losers?”

  I would also be a useless loser in this case. There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t even keep my cool, which probably placed me below Koizumi. The only idea I could come up with was to beat the crap out of Koi
zumi, and then have him beat the crap out of me. Since I wouldn’t be able to beat the crap out of myself without holding back.

  “What are you doing?”

  A sharp, irritated voice stabbed into my back.

  “Kyon, what’s going on with those ice bags? You were taking forever so I came down to check on you and what? You’re sparring with Koizumi? What are you trying to do?”

  Haruhi was standing at full height with her hands on her hips. The look on her face reminded me of an old man in my neighborhood who managed to catch a chronic persimmon thief red-handed.

  “Could you be more considerate of Yuki? There isn’t any time for you to play around!”

  If Haruhi was interpreting this exchange between Koizumi and me as “playing around,” her mind was clearly elsewhere. I released my grip on Koizumi and picked up the ice bag from the spot on the floor where it had fallen while I wasn’t paying attention.

  Haruhi quickly took the bag from me.

  “What is this?”

  Her gaze shifted to the odd equation on the door. Koizumi straightened his collar as he replied.

  “Indeed, the two of us were wondering the same thing. Do you have any ideas?”

  “Isn’t that Euler?”

  I was thrown off by Haruhi’s instant response. Koizumi continued.

  “You mean Leonhard Euler? The mathematician?”

  “I don’t know his first name.”

  Koizumi looked back at the puzzle panel on the door for a few seconds.

  “I see.”

  He snapped for dramatic effect.

  “Euler’s polyhedron theorem. This must be a variation of that. Suzumiya, I am amazed that you were able to recognize this.”

  “I might be wrong. But the D is probably where you put the number of dimensions. I’m guessing.”

  Let’s not worry about whether you’re right or wrong. I have a much more obvious question that needs to be answered first. Who is Euler and what did he do? What is a polyhedron theorem? Did we learn about this in math? Though I was hesitant to ask all of these questions, since I was always half-asleep during math class.