The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  “No, this usually doesn’t come up in high school math courses. However, I’m sure that you’ve heard of the Seven Bridges of Königsberg.”

  That I know. That was one of the puzzles math teacher Yoshizaki mentioned during class. You have two islands connected to the mainland by a number of bridges and you have to cross all of them once and only once? I remember that there isn’t a solution.

  “Yes.” Koizumi nodded. “The problem was originally formed on a flat plane, but Euler proved that it also applied to a three-dimensional plane. He formed a number of famous theorems, and this is one of them.”

  Koizumi explained.

  “His theorem states that when you look at a convex polyhedron and take the number of vertices plus the number of faces minus the number of edges, you will always end up with two.”

  “…”

  Koizumi must have recognized my desire to abandon anything related to math as he smiled wryly and slid one arm behind his back.

  “Then I shall use a simple diagram to explain.”

  He took out a black felt-tip pen. Where’d that come from? Had he been carrying that around on him? Or did he use the same method I had used to obtain the ice bag?

  Koizumi knelt down on the floor and began to cheerfully draw on the red carpet. Neither Haruhi nor I even moved to stop him.

  In this mansion drawing on the furniture, floors, or walls was clearly not a problem.

  Eventually, he produced a picture of a dice-like cube.

  “I’m sure that you can see this is a regular hexahedron. There are a total of eight vertices. It has six faces, as the name would tell you. And there are twelve edges. Eight plus six minus twelve equals two…yes?”

  Koizumi must have felt that wasn’t enough, as he drew a new diagram.

  “Now we have a square pyramid. Count and you’ll find there are five vertices, five faces, and eight edges. Five plus five minus eight will also yield an answer of two. You could apply this formula to any polyhedron up to a hectohedron with a hundred faces and the answer will always be two. This would be Euler’s polyhedron theorem.”

  “I see. I understand now. But why did Haruhi mention the number of dimensions?”

  “That is also quite simple. This polyhedron theorem is not limited to three-dimensional objects, as it can also apply to two-dimensional planes. However, in that case vertices plus faces minus edges will consistently yield an answer of one. This form of the theorem can be applied to the Seven Bridges of Königsberg.”

  A new doodle appeared on the carpet.

  “As you can see, this is a pentagram. A star that can be drawn in one stroke.”

  I did the counting myself this time. There were one, two…ten vertices. It had…six faces. The number of edges would be the highest at, uh, a total of fifteen. Which would give you the equation ten plus six minus fifteen, and the answer was—one.

  By the time I finished running those calculations in my head, Koizumi had finished drawing a fourth diagram. This one looked like a failed attempt at the Big Dipper.

  “The theorem also applies to such irregular figures.”

  I was starting to get sick of this, but I did the math anyway. Uh...seven vertices, one face, and seven edges? I see, you still get one.

  Koizumi smiled brightly as he replaced the cap on the felt pen.

  “In other words, the answer for a three-dimensional object will equal two and the answer for a two-dimensional plane will equal one. With that in mind, let us return to the formula before us.”

  He used the pen to point to the panel on the door.

  “X – y = (D – 1) – z. Let us assume that x refers to the number of vertices. We can then assume that y, the variable being subtracted, is the number of edges. The z, or number of faces, is more difficult to discern, as it was shifted to the right side of the equation and consequently had its sign reversed. As for the (D – 1), the difference should equal two for a polyhedron and one for a flat plane, which means that D would be three when dealing in three dimensions and two when dealing with two dimensions. Thus, the D refers to the number of dimensions. D for ‘Dimension.’ ”

  I listened to him in silence and concentrated on thinking. Yeah, I think I more or less understand now. I see. So this is the theorem thing Herr Euler came up with.

  “So?”

  I posed this question.

  “What’s the answer to this math quiz? Which numerical blocks do we use for x, y, and z?”

  “Well.”

  Back came Koizumi’s answer.

  “I don’t know. Not without the original polyhedron or plane as a reference.”

  There’s no point, then. Where are we supposed to find the original figure?

  Koizumi merely shrugged, which only added to my irritation.

  However, that was when something happened.

  Haruhi, who had been staring at the equation with a look of concentration on her face, abruptly remembered something else she was supposed to do.

  “Forget about this—anyway, Kyon!”

  She suddenly yelled at me.

  “You need to visit Yuki later.”

  I was going to do that anyway, but why are you being so high and mighty about it?

  “Because she called out your name while she was mumbling. Only once though.”

  Nagato called out my name? Mumbling?

  “What did she say exactly?”

  “She just went, ‘Kyon.’ ”

  Nagato had never called me by that name before. Hell, I can’t recall her ever calling me by my actual name or nickname or any sort of name for that matter. She always addressed me by a second-person pronoun…

  I felt this irregular haze of emotion bunch up in my chest.

  “No…”

  Koizumi voiced an objection.

  “Are you sure that she said the word ‘Kyon’? Is it possible that you misheard her?”

  What’s with him? He’s going to complain about what Nagato says in her sleep?

  However, Koizumi paid me no attention as he looked straight at Haruhi.

  “Suzumiya, this is very important. Please try to remember.”

  Koizumi’s tone was so intense that Haruhi appeared to be surprised as her eyes wandered upward while she thought hard.

  “Yes. I didn’t hear her very clearly, so it might not have been ‘Kyon.’ And her voice was soft. She could have been saying ‘hyon’ or ‘jyon.’ But I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t ‘kyan’ or ‘kyun.’ ”

  “I see.”

  Koizumi looked pleased.

  “You’re unsure about the first syllable, but you were able to catch the last part. Aha, I see. I’m sure that Nagato wasn’t trying to say ‘Kyon’ or any of those other sounds. She meant to say ‘yon,’ I believe.”

  “‘Yon’?” I asked.

  “Yes, as in the Japanese word for ‘four.’ ”

  “What does ‘four’ have to do with…”

  I stopped in the middle of my sentence and looked back up at the formula.

  “Hey.”

  Haruhi’s lips were puckered together in irritation.

  “We don’t have time to waste on this little math quiz. You need to worry about Yuki. Honestly!”

  She swung the ice bag around as her eyes narrowed angrily.

  “You better come visit her later! Got it?!”

  And with that loud cry, she turned and stomped back upstairs. Koizumi watched to make sure that she was out of sight before turning to me with a look of conviction on his face.

  “We have been given the required conditions. Now, we can solve for x, y, and z.”

  “Please think back to the phenomenon we experienced a short while ago. The imposters that Suzumiya dismissed as a dream but that I found to be somewhat realistic.”

  The felt pen was in Koizumi’s hand again as he knelt down.

  “Let us draw a diagram that shows which apparition visited each room.”

  Koizumi started by drawing a dot on the red carpet and labeling it K.

 
; “This represents you. Asahina was the one who visited your room, I believe.”

  He drew a line straight up from that point and added another dot at the end, which he labeled MA.

  “Suzumiya was the one to appear in Asahina’s room.”

  He drew a line from the MA point that went down diagonally to the left, and labeled the new dot HS.

  “You were the one who showed up in Suzumiya’s room.”

  He drew a line connecting the hs point with the K point and formed a right triangle.

  “And you also appeared in my room. Though I must say that the imposter behaved nothing like you. I seriously doubt you would ever do any of those things, even if you were to go insane.”

  He drew a line that went down from the K point and added a dot that was labeled IK.

  “Nagato mentioned that you were also the one in her room.”

  I’d already realized what he was doing. He drew a line extending from the point that represented me and labeled the new dot YN before replacing the cap on his pen to signal that he was done.

  “They were all related. The imposters that were neither dream nor reality were apparitions Nagato created.”

  I looked carefully at Koizumi’s newest diagram.

  A figure four that could be drawn in one stroke.

  “We simply need to apply this figure to the formula on the door. A relationship chart that connects us to the fakes we saw. The figure is a flat plane, so D will automatically equal two.”

  He continued before I had a chance to do the math in my head.

  “For this figure, the number of vertices would be the number of members, so five. There is only one face, the triangle formed by you, Suzumiya, and Asahina. There are a total of five edges.”

  Koizumi brushed aside a bang and smiled.

  “X equals five, y equals five, z equals one. That would be the answer. Both sides happen to equal zero.”

  * * *

  There wasn’t any time to be impressed or offer praise.

  I picked up the three corresponding numerical blocks. Now that we had established a solution, we needed to quickly apply it.

  However, Koizumi apparently still had his doubts.

  “I am afraid of the possibility that this is an erase program.”

  I guess I might as well ask what he’s talking about.

  “If we are mere copies that only exist within this simulation, there is no need for us to leave this alternate space. The originals already exist in the real world.”

  Koizumi raised both arms in supplication.

  “It is entirely possible that solving this equation will trigger a process that will delete our existences. In other words, we would be committing a form of suicide. Now, would you prefer to live here for an eternity in relative comfort with very little variety, or would you prefer to be deleted?”

  I don’t like either option. I have no wish to live forever, but I’m also firmly against the idea of ending my life anytime soon. I am my own man. There is no substitute for me.

  “I trust Nagato.”

  My voice was surprisingly calm.

  “I also trust you. I believe that your answer is the correct one. However, that trust is limited to your solution to this equation.”

  “I see.”

  I had to wonder if Koizumi had mastered the art of telepathy as he smiled gently and took a half step back.

  “I shall leave the decision up to you. No matter what happens, I can follow you and Suzumiya. After all, it’s my job and my duty.”

  Good thing that you seem to be enjoying yourself then. It’s hard to find a job that’s actually fun.

  Koizumi’s smile became a little more serious.

  “Assuming that we are able to return to ordinary space, I have a promise I would like to make.”

  He almost sounded at peace.

  “If a situation should ever arise where Nagato is in a great deal of trouble and that situation is beneficial to the ‘Agency,’ I will betray the ‘Agency’ one time and ally myself with you.”

  Ally yourself with Nagato, not me.

  “Under those circumstances, you would certainly be the first to back Nagato, so allying myself with you would be the equivalent of helping Nagato. Though my choice of wording may have been convoluted.”

  One side of his mouth twitched.

  “Personally, I consider Nagato to be an important fellow member. I will want to stand by Nagato’s side this one time should it be necessary. I may be a member of the ‘Agency,’ but I am first and foremost the deputy brigade chief of the SOS Brigade.”

  Koizumi was giving me a rather patronizing look. A look that seemed to suggest that he was satisfied and abandoning his right to speak his mind, now that his turn was over. In that case, I won’t hesitate to do as I please.

  Back in the middle of December—I’d been the only person left behind in a strange world, and after a considerable amount of running around, I’d managed to make my escape. The difference was that the rest of the SOS Brigade was here with me this time. No need for a Dragon Palace. We wouldn’t be the ones disappearing. This space would.

  I placed the blocks into their appropriate slots without any hesitation.

  Click. I heard a satisfying sound. The sound of something metallic being lifted.

  I held my breath and grabbed the doorknob. Then I focused all my strength.

  The door slowly began to move.

  “——”

  I’ve been through a number of experiences that left me making sounds that couldn’t be considered human speech. Whether it was from shock and disbelief or complete awe, there have been many times when I found myself thinking, “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” I had figured that after being churned through space and time again and again, I would have developed a resistance—like how cockroaches become immune to bug spray.

  But it appears that I’ll have to strike that idea.

  As soon as the heavy door finished opening—

  “——”

  —I found myself in a situation where I couldn’t make any sound.

  I couldn’t believe my own eyes. Why would my optic nerves send such images to my brain? Did something go wrong? My retinas or lenses had gone out of whack or something?

  The blinding sunlight made me dizzy. Bright rays of sunshine shone above.

  “—The hell…”

  The skies were so clear that I almost sneezed. There wasn’t a single snowflake to be seen, let alone a howling blizzard. Blue skies stretched as far as the eye could see, without a speck of cloud in sight. There were only…

  Lift cables obstructing the view. I could see a couple dressed in skiwear riding the clattering lift.

  I staggered, as my legs felt heavier than they should.

  There was snow. I was standing in snow. The sparkling white landscape only served to make me dizzier.

  I sensed someone coming and looked up to see a figure glide right past me at breakneck speed.

  “Wha?!”

  I jumped reflexively and followed the figure with my eyes. It was a skier who had avoided me like I was an obstacle, wearing carving skis.

  “This is…”

  The ski slope. No doubt about it. A casual glance immediately revealed that there were skiers all around, enjoying themselves.

  I looked around. The weight I felt on my shoulders belonged to the skis and poles I was carrying. I looked down at my feet to find that I was wearing ski boots. And I was dressed in the skiwear I had been allotted when leaving the Tsuruya vacation home.

  I quickly turned to look behind me.

  “Ah…?”

  Asahina’s mouth was open like a baby carp’s as she blinked rapidly.

  “Wow.”

  Koizumi was looking up at the sky in amazement. Naturally, they were both dressed in their skiwear, not T-shirts.

  The mansion was nowhere to be found. In fact, it no longer existed. We were in the middle of a little-known ski slope. No sign at all of any uncharted, suspicious-looking mansi
ons.

  …Which meant…

  “Yuki?!”

  I heard Haruhi’s voice come from up ahead as I turned my head and eyes in a rush.

  Haruhi was holding up Yuki, who had apparently been lying on the snow.

  “Are you okay? Yuki, is your fever…huh?”

  Haruhi glanced around the way a pika would after exiting its burrow.

  “That’s odd…We were inside the mansion a moment ago.”

  Then she noticed me.

  “Kyon, something about this feels weird…”

  I didn’t answer as I dumped my skis and poles and knelt down next to Nagato. Haruhi and Nagato were wearing the same clothes as when they’d been dashing down the slopes.

  “Nagato.”

  My call was met by her short hair’s rustling ever so slightly as she slowly lifted her head.

  “…”

  Two big eyes on a face completely void of emotion looked up at me, same as always. Nagato’s face was covered with snow as her gaze fixated on my face for a bit.

  “Yuki!”

  Haruhi knocked me out of the way as she grabbed onto Nagato.

  “I have no idea what’s going on. But…Yuki, are you awake? Do you still have a fever?”

  “No.”

  Nagato responded in a flat voice as she stood up on her own.

  “I merely tripped.”

  “Really? But you have a terrible fever…or so I thought, but huh?”

  Haruhi placed a hand against Nagato’s forehead.

  “You’re right. It’s gone. But.”

  She looked around our surroundings.

  “Huh? The blizzard…Mansion…No way. It couldn’t have been…a dream. What? Was it…a dream?”

  Don’t ask me. I don’t provide reasonable answers. Not when you’re the one asking the questions.

  I feigned ignorance as I heard voices calling in the distance.

  “What’s up?”

  I could see two figures waving their hands from the bottom of the slope.

  “Mikuru! Harls!”

  It was Tsuruya. Next to her were three snowmen of different sizes, and the other figure stood next to the medium-size one, which happened to be of similar height. Jumping up and down was my sister.