by Nikki Harmon
“All right already. Let’s see. The sex. It’s good. It was wild and crazy when we first started dating, we did it just about anywhere, in my car, in a bathroom stall at Marlene’s, on my balcony….” I laugh when Bernie gasps. “Did I mention she belly dances?”
“Oh, I like this girl,” she says. “So do you love her or is this just another fling?”
“I … I think this might be something. We get along really well; we both have odd work schedules so that kind of makes things easier, she’s fun, she’s got a good heart. I really dig her. It might just go somewhere, we’ll see…. But let’s just get you married first.”
Bernie laughs. “I’m so happy for you, Dee! I remember when Darryl and I first fell in love, it was so exciting and wonderful and it’s like you can’t believe it’s actually happening to you, everything they write about in romance novels, you feel it. Of course, with me, Darryl was my first love, so I was blessed. God just brought him straight to me when I was ready, when Darryl was ready, and it all just fell into place.” Bernie sighs and finally looks relaxed.
“Yeah, you and Darryl are definitely blessed.”
The wedding is beautiful. Bernie floats down the aisle to Darryl who is wiping away tears. The whole ceremony is lively and celebratory, sincere and meaningful, but full of love and hope and joy. I think that it is the perfect wedding and I am full of love and longing. I glance at Noema sitting in the back; she looks mesmerized with tearful eyes. I’m so glad we are on the same page. The reception is elegant without being stuffy and we have a lot of fun at our table. Noema and I are the only lesbian couple there, but we don’t sweat it. Darryl’s cousin John is there with his partner, so we hang out with them a bit, trading dance partners and quips. When we go home, we make love slowly. She looks so gorgeous in her dress, I don’t take it completely off. There’s something about a woman in a red dress and pumps. Afterwards, I hold her and tell her I love her. She kisses me into silence.
CHAPTER TWENTY
BBBRRRrrriinnnngggg!!! I’m catching up on Grey’s Anatomy when I get the call.
“Hello, this is Dee,” I say calmly.
“Dee, this is Leslie.” Her warm, rich voice is edged with adrenaline. “I think it’s time. I’ve timed the contractions and they are exactly five minutes apart. She passed her mucous plug a few hours ago and we’ve been walking and dancing to pass the time. But now, it’s time,” she says.
“OK. I’ll meet you guys at the center in 15 minutes. Can I speak to Laurie, first though please?” I ask.
“Sure!” She hands the phone over to Laurie and I hear shuffling about.
“Hi,” says Laurie in her sweet voice. “I’ve been contracting all day, Dee, since about 2:00 p.m. I’m so excited. I can’t wait to meet this little baby. I love that I am exactly 40 weeks today, Dee; she is right on time! Hey, can you tell Noema that we’re in labor, she wanted to come right after the baby is born.”
“Sure, I’ll call her. She’s at the studio working,” I say.
“She is? Oh, oh, oh, aaaahhhhhhhh….” I hear her pant her way through the contraction. Good. She’s handling it.
“Laurie, you’re doing great. That was great breathing. Did your water break? Do you feel any pressure near your bottom?”
“No, no water, no pressure, just the contractions, which hurt like hell, by the way,” she replies cheerfully.
“Good. Just keep breathing. I’ll see you guys in a few minutes. Please tell Leslie to drive sensibly. You do not want to have an accident!!! OK? You have time,” I caution.
“OK, see you there! Bye bye now,” Laurie says breathlessly.
I get my bag and call Noema on my way out the door. When she picks up, she sounds breathless too. I can hear music in the background.
“Hi,” I say. “I just called to tell you that Laurie is in labor and that we are headed to the birth center. I’ll call you when the baby arrives, OK?”
“OK. Thanks for the call.” And she hangs up. That was weirdly detached, but maybe she's really into her work.
When I arrive at the center, Laurie and Leslie are heading inside with their bags. Tracy Ann has unlocked the door for them. My birth assistant, Beth, is also there and the OBs have been notified. I follow Laurie and Leslie back to the bigger birthing room and we get set up. Beth has already turned up the heat, turned on the electric candles, and started the Jacuzzi. I show Leslie where the sound system is and she plugs in her iPod and pulls up her labor playlist. Soothing piano fills the room and I think we all exhale at the same time. Then she plugs in a lavender-scented oil diffuser and lays out a snack table of trail mix and water bottles. Laurie is slowly pacing around the room in a walking rocking motion. I wash my hands, put on my scrubs, double check the room for supplies and pull Laurie’s chart and birthing plan. I go over it and take it to Laurie. She checks it and nods. She wants an all-natural birth with as little interference as necessary. I will do my best to make this happen for her. I check her vitals and then check her progress. She’s 5 cm dilated. A few minutes later, Laurie’s mother and sister come into the room, everyone washes their hands and hugs hello. We will be the circle of women who bring this child forward.
In 15 minutes, I have Laurie change so that she can get into the Jacuzzi when she is ready. Her contractions are about four minutes apart, but she is handling them well. I monitor her blood pressure and make sure she stays hydrated. Her family is talking softly, encouraging her, making gentle jokes, talking to each other. In another 45 minutes, her contractions are about three minutes apart and she can no longer talk through them. I lay her down for an examination. She is about 7 cm dilated and her bag is still intact. I suggest she try the Jacuzzi and she agrees. I relax on my stool while her family helps her into the giant tub. She breathes out and relaxes.
Laurie, who is normally so bubbly and outgoing, has gone inside herself. I can see her communing with her body and I know she will be fine. Leslie is visibly anxious. I have her hand out snacks and water to everyone. She also takes some pictures. An hour later, Laurie is ready to get out of the tub. After she dries off, I do another examination. She’s 9 cm now and the contractions are coming every minute or so. We gather in a circle and say a prayer. A flute plays. We separate and get ready to help Laurie go through transition. It hits her and she shouts through her next few contractions. Leslie winces but holds Laurie on the yoga ball as she rolls and rocks on it. They walk, they dance, and they hold each other up. I think even Laurie’s mother is moved by their devotion to each other. Laurie’s water finally breaks around 2:00 a.m. and she yells at the next contraction. I check her; she’s ready to push. I bring out the birthing stool.
Laurie gets settled onto the stool. I take my place at her side and massage her calves. The birth assistant gets the bassinet ready for the baby. We dim the lights. We laugh as Leslie dashes to change the music, time for the pushing playlist! When Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push it” comes on, we all crack up and almost miss Laurie’s contraction. Luckily she doesn’t and pushes through the laughter. Laurie has been waiting for this moment for nine long months and three years of trying before that. She’s ready. She pushes that baby steadily down and 10 minutes later the head starts to crown. Another two pushes and that beautiful baby slides right out into Leslie’s (and my) hands.
“It’s a girl!” I exclaim the obvious and can’t stop my own tears. Nobody notices me as they are crying themselves. Laurie and Leslie are kissing and crying and laughing all at the same time. It was truly a beautiful birth. As Laurie holds the baby, we deliver the placenta and I clean up around this new family. I do my work meticulously, staying alert for trouble as I take care of my patients. I am humbled by the ongoing miracle of life and feel blessed to be able to do what I do. Every birth reaffirms my reason for existence. I say silent prayers for this family as I always do and retreat so they can begin their life together. They name the baby Lola Mae and she is perfection.
After breastfeeding and napping, when Lola is sleeping, I slip off for a shower and a
nap in the “midwives’ quarters.” It’s 7:00 a.m. and sunny when I awake. As I walk down the hall, I hear a familiar voice and smile. Through the small window, I see Noema holding the baby and cooing. I hesitate as I see that behind her is the woman from the baby shower. She’s leaning over to see the baby, but she’s got her hands casually on Noema’s waist. As I slowly open the door, everyone looks up at me. Noema opens her mouth in surprise, Leslie and Laurie look instantly worried, and the woman defiantly looks right at me and keeps her hands on Noema.
“Hello?” I say.
“Oh, hi. I thought you would be back home by now,” says Noema.
“No, I stayed over so I could keep an eye on my patients,” I say coolly, eyeing the other woman. Leslie calmly walks over and takes the baby from Noema. I look at her but she looks away guiltily.
“Could we have some privacy?” I say to Noema and her friend. “I need to examine Laurie now.”
“Sure, of course. We’ll be outside,” Noema says to Laurie. She and the woman walk out together. I do my best to hold my tongue. I shake off my indignation and throw on the cloak of professionalism and do a quick but thorough examination of Laurie. She’s fine. I check the baby in Leslie’s arms. She looks good. I ask about the breastfeeding and suggest they put her right back on to feed. I smile at Laurie.
“You were really exceptional last night. You did everything perfectly. You remember Meadow, right? She’ll be here in a couple of hours, I’ll stay until she gets here but she will do your next exam, OK?” I say.
“OK.” She says and takes the baby to feed her. I start to leave but Leslie puts her hand on my shoulder.
“Dee, I’m sorry about this. I don’t know what is going on….” she starts, but I stop her.
“You don’t owe me an explanation here, Leslie. This has nothing to do with you,” I say. I’m trying to steel myself to walk through the door and see my girlfriend with that other woman. My thoughts are in a jumble and I just want to get out of there. Then I remember there is another exit through the bathroom. I take it without another thought.
I bypass the waiting room and slip into my office where I wait for the workday to begin for the rest of the office. I’m numb, but I try to think. Am I overreacting? OK, what did I see? They were just looking at the baby, close, but they had to be to get a good look, right? Maybe Leslie and Laurie just happened to invite them both over at the same time. Maybe it’s all a big misunderstanding. Maybe I’m being ridiculous, jealous and petty over nothing. Should I call her? Maybe text her? I can’t just run away. This is my job, my office, and my territory. Why did she bring her here? OK, I need to make a decision…. but before I can call Noema, she calls me.
“Hello?” I say shakily.
“Dee. Maybe we should talk,” says Noema on the other line. My heart sinks.
“I guess so.” I whisper.
“Can you talk today? I know you had a long night but what about over dinner? I’ll come to your house,” she says very efficiently.
“No, how about in a couple of hours at your house? I won’t be sleeping or eating until I know what the hell is going on,” I confess.
“OK,” she says, “I’ll meet you at my house at 10:00 a.m.” As I open my mouth to ask the question swirling around my mind, “Why?” she ends the call. I stare at my cluttered desk. Kokopelli, the trickster, seems to be laughing into his flute.
~~~
I ring her buzzer at 10:00 a.m. on the dot. She buzzes me in and I walk the long flights up to get to her door. In the past few months, I’ve been flying up the stairs two at a time. But this morning, it takes all my strength just to keep stepping up, one at a time. She opens the door when I get there and lets me inside. No hug, no kiss, she just shows me to the kitchen table where she’s put out coffee and danish. How very fucking civilized of her. It’s insulting, but I’m trying to keep an open mind because truly I do not understand what the hell is going on.
My girlfriend opens her mouth to speak.
“Dee, I’m really sorry. I…I’ve been seeing Danny.” She looks down.
“What do you mean? Who is she? You're seeing her? If you weren't happy ... I thought we … I thought we were happy.” I am numb and just blown away.
Noema takes a deep breath and says, “Dee, I should have told you about her before. I’m really sorry. Danny and I have been off and on for about five years. We had broken up again when she had to go work in London this summer, when you and I …”
What the hell! “Wait, are you telling me that you were already in a relationship when we started dating?” I ask.
“No, like I said, it’s been off and on, we fight a lot and she travels a lot and I just wanted a normal relationship and you are so great and beautiful and smart. I never thought that it would actually get this far….”
My mouth is open. “Wait. All this time, I thought we were getting serious about each other. I love you, Noema. I love being with you, I think that we are great together, don’t you?”
“Well, yes, of course I do. I love being with you too, I just thought it would be more of a summer fling, but then you were so great and then Danny came home and then honestly, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Like a broken record I repeat, “Wait. Are you saying that you are with her now? How long has she been here?”
“She came back the end of August, the same weekend your friend came in town.”
“August! What the fuck!? Have you been cheating on me since August? It’s October! I can’t. Why did you lie to me all this time??”
“I didn’t lie, exactly. I was not with her when we met, and I wasn’t sure what would happen with her and me. And you were so busy with wedding stuff, I didn’t want to ruin it for you. I’m so sorry,” she says.
I try to take it all in; my mind is reeling. “Has this been a game to you? Why was Leslie trying so hard to fix me up with you if she knew you already had somebody?”
She laughs, “Leslie has always hated Danny. She thought I should be with somebody nicer, more stable. She thinks the world of you, you know.”
“So all this time, I thought we were in a real relationship, maybe headed towards a future together and you thought I was a summer fling, somebody just to spend time with until she came back home? Are you serious?” I am angry, I am shocked, I am bamboozled, I am tricked, I am speechless. I stand up. How could I have been so stupid?
I say, “I just want you to know that I really loved you. I did, and I thought you felt the same. I cannot believe that you are so heartless and such a liar. You are not the woman I thought you were, not at all.”
She tears up and nods. She inclines her head towards a box by the door. It is full of my things. Unfuckingbelievable.
“I am really sorry,” she says and looks uncertain. “I didn’t mean for it to get this far. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Dee.” She reaches her hand out to me but I step back out of reach.
“I … never mind…. Good-bye, Noema.” I pick up my box and walk out the door. I do not let my tears come until I am safely in my car and driving up Fifth Street.
I get home and as soon as I put the box down, I don’t want to be there. It reminds me of Noema. I’m tired as hell but I change into sweats, grab my running shoes and head back out the door. It’s the end of October and it’s chilly, but the sun is still shining bright and the leaves are turning colors and the rest of the world is going about it’s normal routine, oblivious to my upended life and heartbreak. I get to Kelly Drive and start running. Running and thinking. Running and stopping to catch my breath, running and stopping to drink from the public water fountain (yuck!), running and jumping over goose poop. I just want to run.
I try to piece together everything Noema said with my vision of our relationship. How could she be so cruel? How could I be so stupid? How could we be in the same relationship and yet so far apart? Exhausted and more pissed than sad, I look at my watch. I have to go and check on Laurie. I’m not sure I want to face them, but it’s my job.
I decide to go straight to the birth center. I can shower and change there.
I slip in the birth center, grab an extra set of clothes from my office, take a quick shower, and then pop in to see Laurie and Leslie. Laurie is asleep and Leslie is sitting in the rocker with Lola. She looks up at me and frowns.
“How’s Laurie?” I ask.
“She’s great, a little tired but Lola just finished nursing, so she’s gonna get some rest. You’re not going to wake her, are you?” she asks protectively.
“No.” I check the chart. The nurse changed her bedding an hour ago, Meadow has seen her twice today, and she looks peaceful. I’ll let her sleep. She’s going to need it.
“How are you doing? Have you gotten some sleep yet?” I ask Leslie.
“Oh, a little. I’m too wired to sleep though. I can’t believe our daughter is here. She’s so beautiful, she’s so perfect. Thank you,” she says to me.
“Well, I just helped, you guys did all the hard work and you have a lot of hard work ahead of you, But from what I see, you’ll handle it just fine,” I say truthfully.
“I’m sorry about Noema,” she says. “I thought she was done with that person. I really did. And you are so nice and smart and sweet and cool and beautiful. I thought you would be perfect together. I love Noema a lot; she’s like a sister to me but I don’t understand why she keeps going back to that person.”
“So you knew about that? Great. Look, it’s not your fault; she’s a grown woman and made her own choices, as did I. I just wish … Listen, I’m gonna go. When Laurie wakes up, buzz me. I’ll examine her and then sign your discharge papers. Since Lola is asleep, you should try to rest, too. OK?”
“OK. I did want to thank you again for the birth. It was perfect, exactly what we wanted for the beginning of our little girl’s life,” she says looking up at me. I take the baby from her and hold her gently.
