by Susan Lewis
‘Walking up to the Centre.’
‘No riding shots today?’
Her eyes went longingly to the stables as she said, ‘No.’
‘Or love scenes?’
‘No.’ That was a lie, but by the time the episode went out he’d have no idea which day it had been shot. ‘Where are you?’ she asked, feeling she should return the interest.
‘Almost at the office, so I should go. I’ve a busy day ahead, but I’ll try to call between consultations.’
‘You don’t have to. I’ll be fine, and I’ve got a fairly full day too. I’ll call you later, after we’ve wrapped.’
‘OK, and make sure no riding shots.’
Clicking off before she snapped at him, Susannah quickened her pace as though it might put some distance between her and her own irritation. Just thank God he hadn’t mentioned the baby for once, at least not directly, because their conversations now were hardly ever about anything else. Not that she had much desire to discuss other things, apart from Neve of course, and since he was being so supportive and wonderfully patient with her, she, Susannah, should get a grip on her temper and focus more on being thankful he was there. Except he’s the damned cause of Neve’s problems, a voice inside her seethed. But it was hardly his fault Neve had fallen for him, and since she and Duncan, as Neve’s parents, were far, far more responsible for the angst she was going through, she needed to ease up on Alan and remember that there weren’t many men who’d be as generous with their time and expertise as he was being.
The trouble was, no matter how grateful, or even affectionate, she managed to feel towards him, she knew in her heart that she no longer loved him. She was even starting to wonder if she ever really had. Though it had felt completely right at the beginning, the answer to all her prayers, looking back she could see more clearly now just how vulnerable she’d been at the time, so needful of affection and desperate for something to change. She’d jumped in too quickly, had never even questioned her feelings, had simply assumed that the whirlwind romance was a heady prelude to a much deeper and more lasting kind of love. And now, to make matters even worse, though she’d given Marlene her decision about the baby, deep down inside she still didn’t feel as though one had been taken. But it had, because even if she could bring herself to break Alan’s heart, which she couldn’t, she still had to face the fact that she didn’t really have it in her to kill an innocent child for the sake of her career.
Taking out her mobile as it started to ring, she saw it was the director she was working with that day and quickly clicked on. After assuring him she was fine about the upcoming scenes, and would be in her dressing room in about five minutes to discuss them, she rang off again and gave Pats a try. Finding her mobile still switched off, she left a message letting her know she’d rung and telling her that the text Pats had sent last night had come out as gobbledegook, so she either needed to call back or send it again.
Have lost mind. Going to b^% w*!&**@ Will call so@*st. Px
By the time Susannah reached the Centre two other actors had fallen into step with her, and she was managing to impress herself with how light-hearted and enthusiastic she was sounding as they chatted about the day ahead. However, going next to naked in front of a crew, even on a closed set, was the very last thing she felt like doing today. Just thank goodness her pregnancy wasn’t showing yet, and once again she was trusting to Marianne to carry her through.
In the event exactly that happened, because once she was in character it was as though her real self ceased to exist, or at least went into retreat somewhere safe and discreet, along with her almost constant fatigue and girlish inhibitions. Marianne was a bold, confident woman who rejoiced in her sensuality and revelled in her power over men. For a woman like that, peeling off her clothes to make sure a show judge qualified her horse was no more daunting than throwing herself into the saddle and galloping off into the hills.
‘Are you OK?’ Lindon, the director, asked, when the time came for her to disrobe.
Susannah was in one of the stables, wearing only a dressing gown over a fancy pair of lace panties and long black riding boots. She was to be shot from behind first, waist up to see her bare back, then thigh down to show her legs and boots. After that the camera would move round to take a medium close-up of her head and shoulders to include the tops of her breasts as she smouldered seductively into the lens.
‘I’m fine,’ she said, and she was, because she was already becoming Marianne, and Marianne wasn’t pregnant, or embarrassed, or even particularly concerned about who was watching her out there. Marianne had an exquisite body that she had no problem making work for her in every way possible. It was only when they began framing the head and shoulders, taking care to avoid her nipples, but coming low enough to make it clear that she wasn’t wearing anything on top, that she started to feel self-conscious. She was standing amongst a handful of men, with only one other woman present, completely exposed from the waist up. She could hardly begin to imagine what Alan would say if he could see her now, though in truth it wasn’t him she was thinking about. It was Michael, and whether he might see the rushes, and how he would feel if he saw her like this. For one horrible moment it made her feel cheap and worthless, and so distanced from the sophistication of his world that she came close to grabbing her robe and running back to her dressing room.
Realising she’d slipped back into her own persona, she quickly began psyching herself into Marianne again, holding her head high and arching her back in a way that raised her breasts and caused the cameraman to laugh and groan.
‘I had it just right,’ he complained, ‘then you go and put your shoulders back so I can see everything.’
‘Sorry,’ she apologised. ‘I promise not to move again.’
What was it going to be like, she wondered, when they came to shoot an actual sex scene and she had to roll and writhe about the bed, wearing nothing at all, with a man who was naked too? She could already feel herself shrinking from it, but reminded herself firmly that Marianne would be there to take control. Thank God for her alter ego, because if everything was left to Susannah her life on-screen, and off, might be in an even bigger mess than it already was.
Trying to understand the self was always a fascinating exercise, Alan was thinking, as he sat in the car waiting for Neve to come out of school. His own personality was more intriguing to him than any other, simply because it was his. There were so many facets and dimensions to the enigmatic prism that made up Alan Cunningham, any number of complexities, motivations, fears, desires, passions, aversions, all combining to create the behavioural patterns of one outwardly unremarkable man. What interested him greatly was how he, much like the rest of humanity, always thought he’d know exactly how he’d react to any given situation. The truth was, however, that until a particular challenge or deviation from the norm arose, no one could ever really know how they’d handle it – and very often the response turned out to be the complete antithesis to the one expected.
He was keeping a record of how both he and Neve were responding to their current state of affairs. The depth to which they could self-delude, or control the other, was especially intriguing, though unsurprisingly he was the more adept at control, while she remained confused, frustrated and occasionally afraid of her own instincts and desires.
She would find her way through though, he was sure of that, and no harm would be done in the long run. He simply needed to help her gain a greater understanding of herself and of what was happening, most particularly the role she was playing in bringing it about. Once she was able to accept responsibility for her actions and to distinguish reality from fantasy, she would come to realise just how powerful an individual she actually was. Until then she’d probably go on seeing herself as a victim, which was why he’d decided it would be best to focus her away from her relationship with Susannah for now, or misunderstandings would be bound to occur, and the last thing he wanted was any undue stress being inflicted on Susannah while she was ca
rrying his child.
As soon as Neve came out of the school gates and saw Alan waiting she started to walk the other way, praying she’d be masked by the crowd. However, he spotted her, and was out of the car and coming across the road to take hold of her before she could get very far.
‘We need to talk,’ he said, smiling pleasantly.
‘I know what that means,’ she hissed, trying to wrench her arm away.
‘People are staring,’ he told her, ‘so unless you want to cause a scene …’
‘I don’t care.’
‘Yes you do. Now come along. I don’t have time to take you home, so I’ll drop you at Lola’s. We’ll talk on the way.’
Only because he wasn’t taking her to that house, which she hated with all her soul and wished she never had to set foot in again, she allowed him to walk her over to the car that she also hated, but not nearly as much as she hated him.
‘I hear you want to make contact with your father,’ he said chattily as they drove away.
She turned to look out of the window. She should have known Lola would tell her mother, even though she’d promised not to. Did it matter? She didn’t know, because she didn’t know anything any more.
‘Don’t you think it’s a little selfish to be upsetting your mother now you know she’s pregnant?’ he said, making it sound like a genuine question.
She kept her head averted, digging her nails into her palms and wanting to scream and scream until everything stopped and she ceased to exist.
‘Your mother’s sacrificed a lot for you,’ he went on, ‘you’ve always been at the very centre of her world, and that doesn’t need to change, but I think it’s best, at least for the next few weekends, that you stay at Lola’s when she’s here. I’ll bring her to see you, of course, but she’s tired when she comes back from Derbyshire, and now, with the baby, it wouldn’t be good for her to have you bothering her.’
With tears stinging her eyes Neve continued to stare out of the window. She hated him so much that she’d like to kill him, but he scared her, because maybe he’d like to kill her too. Sometimes she wished he would, at least then he wouldn’t be able to do things to her any more, and she wouldn’t have to be a worry to her mum or anyone else.
This was the third morning in a row that Patsy had woken up to find Frank lying next to her in the bed, snoring softly, with a sheet tangled loosely around him and an arm draped protectively over her. She was still slightly dazed by what was happening, and kept wondering if it might be a dream – in some ways she hoped it was. Just like on the previous mornings, however, she found herself moving closer to him, inhaling his musky scent, and responding warmly to the feel of his skin.
As she’d told Susannah when she’d finally confessed that the deed had been done, he really hadn’t been joking, or exaggerating, when he’d claimed to be a fantastic lover. In all her thirty-six years she’d never known anything quite like it, hadn’t even realised it was possible to climax so many times in one night, or to make each one feel as though the last was a poor rehearsal. He made love with his entire being, heart, body and soul. He was right there with her every moment of the way, making her his complete focus, taking her tenderly and passionately, holding himself back and watching her as she became lost in more sensations than she’d believed it was possible to feel. When he joined her in the final throes of ecstasy he somehow kept her there, making it go on and on, infusing more and more potency into her release than she could bear without crying out for him to stop, even as she urged him on. And when it was over and he was holding her while the pounding in their hearts receded and their breathing steadied, he invariably said something to make her tighten her arms around him, or to make her laugh, or very often both.
Looking at him now, she smiled at the lovely crookedness of his nose, and the blue-black shadow that darkened his jaw. His mouth was slightly open and as she touched a finger gently to his lips, she found herself thinking of how exquisitely he used them, and started to become aroused again. Sliding a leg over his she waited for him to feel it, and a moment later one of his crazy eyebrows arched before an eye opened cautiously, as though taking a secret peep at who might be there.
‘Good morning,’ she whispered.
He blinked a couple of times, then drew her in more tightly. His body was both hard and soft, and coated in thick dark hair that she’d always imagined she’d find repulsive, but she didn’t, at all.
‘We can’t be late again today,’ she told him huskily. ‘People will start to talk.’
‘This is sad, but true,’ he murmured. ‘You understand, I do not care for myself, it is the way my wife will react if she knows there is someone else in my life, that is my concern.’
‘Do you think she wants you to go back to her?’ she asked with a pang of alarm.
‘This is what she says, but it is not possible for me to live with her again.’
‘Not even if she went into rehab and managed to stay clean?’
He shook his head. ‘I care for her very much, and always I will want to help her, she is the mother of my son, so this is necessary. But she have broken my heart in too many places, and since it start to go back together it has no room for her any more.’
Knowing that to lose his love would be difficult when he was such a loyal and decent man, with even more kindness and integrity in his soul than he had wit and charm in his heart, she pressed her mouth into his neck and kissed him hard. ‘She’s a foolish woman to have squandered what she had with you,’ she told him. ‘There aren’t enough good men out there to be careless with one when you have him.’
There was a pause before he said, ‘You know, Patreesha, I think you just give me a compliment.’
‘I’m sorry, it just slipped out.’
He grinned, and sensing it she looked up.
‘For many weeks I have wanted to be with you like this,’ he told her. ‘You think always I was joking, non?’
‘I was never entirely sure,’ she confessed.
‘And now you are?’
‘I think so.’
‘Be sure,’ he told her, ‘because it is my pleasure to make you understand how special you are, and how ’appy you make me just to be in my world.’
Smiling as her heart melted, she said, ‘That’s such a lovely thing to say.’
He touched his mouth to hers, and as he kissed her she felt more flickers of desire coming to life inside her. ‘I’m starting to feel very, very lazy about getting up,’ she murmured.
‘Then we shall stay here for the day,’ he declared.
‘Is that an executive decision?’
‘It is one that has been taken out of my hands.’
Laughing as she caught his meaning, she wound herself more tightly around him and lay very still as he began stroking her, his fingers moving softly over her back and arms, then down over her buttocks to her thighs.
They both groaned in frustration as her mobile started to ring, and reaching out to the bedside table she fumbled around until she had it, but by then it had gone silent again.
It wasn’t until an hour later, as they were walking to work, that she replayed the message that had been left, fully expecting it to be someone from the office, or possibly Susannah. However, what she heard slowed her pace to a halt, because someone was sobbing down the line, saying nothing, simply crying as though her heart would break. Pressing a key, she played the message again.
‘What is it?’ Frank asked, coming back to find out why she’d stopped.
‘I’m not sure,’ she replied, ‘but I think this is my god-daughter, Neve.’
Taking the phone he listened for a moment, then scrolled to the call log. ‘Yes, it is her,’ he said, seeing Neve’s name come up. ‘She is sounding very upset, so you must call right away,’ and pressing to reconnect he passed the phone back.
‘Neve? It’s Pats,’ she said when Neve answered. ‘Are you OK? I just got your message. What’s wrong, sweetheart?’
‘Nothing,’ Neve answered,
sounding quite different from her earlier call. ‘It’s all right now.’
‘But what was it? You were crying so hard …’
‘Honestly, it’s OK. I’m at school and the teacher’s about to come into class, so I have to go.’
‘Will you call me later?’ Pats urged.
‘If I can, but don’t worry, everything’s cool. We’re looking forward to when you come over. Mum said it’ll be for three weeks.’
Patsy’s eyes went to Frank as she said, ‘I’m arriving the weekend after next. We’ll go and have some dinner, just the two of us, shall we?’
‘That would be cool. Sorry, I have to ring off now,’ and the line went dead.
To Frank, Patsy said, ‘You go on ahead. I have to speak to Susannah about this.’
After squeezing her hand he walked on down the street, leaving her to wander into a pavement cafe as she pressed in Susannah’s mobile number. To her surprise, Susannah answered on the second ring. ‘Great, you’re there,’ she said. ‘I thought you might be on set.’
‘I will be any minute,’ Susannah told her. ‘Is everything OK? How’s the fantastic lover?’
‘Bloody outstandingly fantastic, but that’s not why I’m calling. Neve left me a message earlier. I couldn’t make out what she was saying, she was sobbing so hard. I rang back, but she’s at school and couldn’t speak, so I wondered … Do you have any idea what it was about?’
With a sigh that sounded tired and a little short-tempered, Susannah said, ‘This morning, no. In general though, she’s still upset about Alan, and she’s making it impossible for anyone else to get close to her. I wish she’d talk to me, but I’ve barely been able to get a sensible word out of her since I told her about the baby. The fact that she’s called you could be a good sign though, maybe she’ll find it easier to open up with you.’
‘I’ve told her we’ll get together when I come over,’ Pats said. ‘Do you think it can wait that long?’
