I trace the definition of his triceps with my finger and say, “I like this.” I move down his forearm to his fingers. “I like what these can do.” My hand reaches around to his back. “I like the smoothness of your skin.” I cup his butt cheek. “I like holding on to this.” With both hands I remove the condom. “And I especially like what this part of you does.”
Kaleb snickers. “Don’t ever stop talking.”
Chapter Seventeen
Kaleb hums Jingle Bells as I flip the eggs over like a pro and look at him. My skin tingles with the memory of last night. He’s in his boxers and puts two slices of bread in the toaster. I want to touch every sexy inch of that muscular body. He moves behind me and presses himself against my back. Warmth radiates through my thin, cotton T-shirt, and his sleepy musk envelops me. “What do you like on your toast?” The sensation of his breath in my ear zings through my body.
I croak out, “Butter.”
He plants a kiss on my neck and moves the plates over by the toaster. The eggs are done. I grab the handle of the cast-iron skillet and “Shit!” I flinch from the searing pain and drop it.
It lands on Kaleb’s foot. He yells, “Son of a bitch, motherfucker!”
Adrenaline slams my brain. Every nerve is alert, and something inside me takes action. No! I grab the meat cleaver from the knife block and hold it in front of me. Tensed, I’m ready. And then I realize what I’ve done. The knife trembles in my hand as I back into the corner and sink to the floor.
Kaleb is frozen with shock. Eggs are on the floor between us. The acrid odor of melting plastic is in the air as vinyl stick-on tiles melt under the pan. His eyes are wide with a hint of fear. He whispers, “Lori?”
I slowly put the knife down on the floor. I can’t speak. My hands quiver, and I stare at them. Oh God, what have I done?
A calm voice breaks through. “Babe. It’s okay.”
I look over at him. Why can’t I stop shaking?
“I’m sorry. It hurt. I…” He shakes his head and his brow furrows. His voice is a whisper. “I would never hurt you.” He gets down on the floor slowly, as if I’m a scared kitten. “Can I come closer?”
I nod my head, and he inches toward me. “Tell me if you need me to stop.” Egg sticks to his knee. I hold up my hand, and he stops. He sits up and says, “I’m right here. You come to me when you’re ready.”
I burst into tears and scramble over to him. He takes me in his arms and holds me like a fragile thing. I hang on to him like a woman drowning and let myself sob. He strokes my hair without a word.
When I’m done, Kaleb takes my hand and turns it over to reveal the burn. My palm is red with a big blister. It should hurt, but I’m too numb to notice. He talks to me like I’m a child. “C’mon, honey, let’s put that under water.” With a soft grip, he stands and pulls me up. He limps as he walks me over to the sink and turns on the faucet. I put my hand under it and look down at his toe.
“Do you think I broke it?” I peer up into his eyes.
“No. It’s fine.”
I suspect he’s lying. I watch him clean up the mess as I stand at the counter helplessly. Kaleb puts the pan on the stove and turns off the water. He moves slowly and doesn’t touch me. How does he know?
“Would you like me to get first-aid supplies from the bathroom for you?”
I shake my head and say, “You know, don’t you?”
“I don’t. I can guess. But I can never really know, can I?” Concern clouds his face, and the urge to cry grows in me.
No, you can’t. Not unless you’ve lived with the threat of wondering when someone will kill you. “I’ll go bandage this hand and get dressed for work. Sorry about the eggs. Help yourself to anything you want.” I escape to the bathroom.
The ride to the mountain takes forever. Kaleb offers to drive me, and I accept. If only to be near him a little longer before he decides I’m too damaged. I’m on the verge of tears, and know I’ve screwed up the best thing that has ever happened to me. He talks on and on about nothing to make me feel better.
I look over at him and force a smile. “Hey, I know you have to work tonight. I can get Casey to give me a ride home so you have time to go back to your place before going to the Bike Shop.”
“You sure? I don’t mind.”
“I’m sure.” Because by the end of today when you realize what just happened, you’ll be ready to run far away from me. I look out the window at the snow-covered world. Ski trails wind down Breckenridge like tinsel as we head up the access road to Peak 8.
We pull into the parking lot, and Kaleb parks his Subaru. It’s a beautiful blue-sky day, but I don’t feel it. He turns to me and reaches for my hands. I let him take them. “Are you all right?” he asks.
No, I’m not. I’ll never be all right. “Yes. I’m fine. Look at it outside. It should be a great day.” I put on a big smile, and he buys it.
He takes my face in his hands and kisses me on the top of the head. “You’ll always be safe with me. I would never let anyone hurt you, Lori.”
If only I could believe that. I want to. I reach up for Kaleb and kiss him with desperation. He thinks it’s passion, and I let him. For me, it’s so much more. It’s hanging on to the hope I can be happy for a little longer. Please don’t leave me, Kaleb, please.
“Wow, that’s a good way to start my day.” He has a silly grin on his face. Those dimples make my knees weak, and tears hover in my eyes. He grabs his bag and opens the door, and I get out with mine and start to walk. A beep sounds as he hits the remote lock. The cold air clears my head and soothes my puffy eyes. It’ll be busy, and I look forward to the distraction of children.
The locker room smell just about knocks me over when Kaleb opens the door. I thought I was used to it. Today the testosterone element seems high. It doesn’t make me gag, but it’s close. We turn right and go down the large aisle that has rows of lockers on our left. Kaleb turns down his row with a little wave. Casey and Jason are standing close when I walk down mine. No doubt they have sex on their minds. My heart aches a little, and I wish I did too instead of the fearfulness knocking on my conscience.
Casey steps away from Jason. “Merry Christmas, Lori. Jason and I are assigned to kids this week. Tell him it’s not so bad.” She hits his chest lightly with the back of her hand. She looks radiant with playful curls that frame her striking green eyes. Set against pale skin, today they seem to scrutinize me.
Jason mumbles, “Little monsters.” His eyes twinkle with laughter.
Casey says, “You’ll do just fine. Heather will pair up classes to keep adult instructors from being overwhelmed. You’ll be with someone who has a clue. Promise.” He’s perfect for Casey. With a wicked sense of humor, he teases her relentlessly. She gives it right back.
Casey hooks her arm into mine. “Come to the bathroom with me.” She’s a good friend and I think she senses something isn’t right.
We walk together to the ladies’ room, and we pass numerous male bodies in various states of undress, but I’m not fazed. This is my new normal. The moment we’re in the bathroom, Casey asks, “What gives? You’ve been crying.” She has concern on her face as she hands me some eye drops.
Let’s see. I pulled a knife on Kaleb because I thought he was about to beat me up. “Oh, it’s nothing. It’s my first Christmas away from home, and I’m feeling sorry for myself.” I do miss my mom, but I sure as hell am glad I’m not back in New Hampshire.
Casey touches my arm. “I know how you feel. I remember my first Christmas without my family, and it’s sad.” She gives me a hug. This girl is so awesome.
Desperate to avoid crying I change the subject. “Thanks. It looks like things with you and Jason are getting serious now. So?” I raise my eyebrows at her and she blushes.
“Yeah, it’s pretty great. I’m off to make sure he gets to the Kids’ Castle. See you there.” She practically skips off. That is one love-struck girl. It makes me smile, but it’s bittersweet.
I apply some thick cream
to my face to protect it from the wind. It’s dry here, and even my naturally oily skin suffers. I am just about to leave when Heather bursts in the door. Breathless, she says, “Oh my God, I’ve got to pee. Don’t leave.” She races into a stall and calls out to me. “I know you’ve got another half hour before you have to be at the castle, but could you come now? It’ll be crazy today, and I need someone competent to be my wrangler.”
“Of course. I’ll be over as soon as I’m dressed.” Wrangling is kind of like emergency room triage. I will sort out classes and instructors based on the need for that day. As soon as a class fills, I’ll send them outside to keep the area from becoming too full. Crazy busy? That means I won’t have a moment to think about what happened this morning, and that’s just what I need. I’ve already spent way too much time in my head today.
Heather nods at me. “Nice job. You’re a natural at wrangling. Come take a run with me. I need to check up on the adult instructors’ groups.”
We click into our skis and skate over to the chair. I ask, “How’s Jason doing? He seemed a little nervous this morning.”
Heather smiles. “He’s having fun. I paired him with Casey because she’s awesome with kids, and I knew he’d be more comfortable. I looked over at their group, and I don’t know what she said, but I saw Jason look down his pants. All the kids were cracking up. He’ll be just fine.”
I smile and make a mental note to ask for that story later. We sit on the chair, and I pull the bar down. “Anyone you’re worried about?” I notice her cornflower-blue eyes squint in concentration.
“Ben. He’s so quiet, and I’m afraid he has questions he doesn’t dare ask. He’s with John, so it’s probably okay. But, hey, this way we get a good run in before we have to do the lunch thing.”
Skiing with Heather is great. She’ll usually tell me one thing I’m doing right and then give me one thing to work on. She’s as interested in me getting better as I am.
I lean over the bar and look at the trail below us. Kaleb. He’s on a snowboard with a group of adults. He makes it look easy as he maneuvers a man through a turn. Everything about Kaleb is so physical. I lick my lips as I envision him in boxers.
Heather snorts, “I was thinking about food for lunch. Not men.”
I giggle. “Well, darn it. Guess he’ll have to be dinner instead.” I’m in a much better mood if I can joke about Kaleb. The truth is I want us to work so badly, I’ll do anything to make it happen. I think I’ll pretend what happened this morning didn’t scare him off. And maybe it’ll work.
Chapter Eighteen
A busy afternoon makes up for my j morning, and I’m late getting to the locker room. Just as I assumed, Kaleb has already left. I walk back from his row disappointed.
“Long day with kids?” Casey sits by her locker with her phone in hand.
“Not too bad. I had hoped to see Kaleb.” I plop down with a sigh, and a smile covers my face. I’m in total denial that this morning will affect us.
“I guess things are going well with you two.” Casey kicks my shin lightly.
“Yeah. He’s just so…” I hunch my shoulders and try to think of the appropriate word. Bill isn’t paying attention to us, but he’s close enough to hear. I nod my head toward him.
Casey smiles. “Let’s go with hot and leave it at that.”
I grin. “Okay, hot works.”
“I thought we could do a girls’ night next week. One of my best friends from Vermont just moved here, and she could use a few friends. Something simple like wine and everyone brings a dish.”
“I would love that. Is she teaching?”
“No, she competes and is here to train. She got a night job working at the Bike Shop.”
Gretchen. Bill’s ears perk up. “Are you talking about Poster Gretchen?”
Casey says. “I think she prefers just Gretchen, but yeah.” Her eyes squint.
I watch Bill nod and bet by the look on his face he’s turned on, thinking about her. I don’t want to know. I start to unbuckle my boots.
“Does everyone call her Poster Gretchen?” I smile, but I’m not amused. My boot clunks on the floor as it releases my foot.
“No, that’s the Bike Shop guys’ name for her, but I guess they’ve shared it. I doubt she would mind.” Casey smirks. “Actually, she’d probably like it.
“Really?” I’m not sure what kind of girl likes knowing guys fawn over her on a poster. But then, she did pose for it. I suppose I should be impressed with her confidence. And I would be, if it weren’t for the fact Kaleb has probably been one of those guys. I call on my inner actress. “I look forward to getting to know her better.”
I desperately try to keep a panic attack at bay. The whole ride home with Casey I force myself to chat with her about Jason and teaching. Now that I’m home, though, my insecurities mess with my mind. I can’t stop thinking about Kaleb working with Gretchen. I’m sure it has something to do with my freak-out this morning. I’m not feeling very secure in our relationship.
Water rushes out of the spout into the kettle. The scent of a chocolate, coconut, and rooibos blend wafts to my nose, and my mind moves to warm thoughts about Kaleb. He gave me this tin of tea for Christmas. I set the teapot on the stove to boil and go change into my pajamas.
Me pulling a knife on Kaleb this morning loops over and over before my eyes. The look on his face haunts me. He was afraid of me, and he should have been. I held that knife in my hand like I was prepared to use it because I was. Oh my, God. What sane person would want to stay with that kind of crazy?
I pad my fluffy-socked feet to the kitchen and remove the kettle from the stove just before it screams. I spoon out tea into the metal filter. The tropical scent floats up to my nose when I pour the water into the pot.
I was an idiot to think this morning wouldn’t change things. Kaleb has probably figured out I’m damaged and not worth it. Tears come, and I let them fall. I thought I was ready to move on and a new town would help me start over. I thought wrong.
While I sip the tea, I try some relaxation breathing. I know a panic attack is smashing against my fragile dam of control. My pulse is fast, and my mind refuses to let it stop. It’s no use. My feet stomp my way to the bathroom, and I find the Valium. As much as I hate to resort to medication, I’m afraid I won’t sleep otherwise. And that will begin a vicious spiral I can’t stop.
I drop to the floor and begin an exercise circuit to pass the time it takes for the tiny pill to work its magic. Twenty minutes later, sleepy exhaustion takes over my body. I pick up my e-reader, and I climb in bed to wait for sleep.
Chapter Nineteen
I wake to sunlight. While I wouldn’t say I’m refreshed, I definitely slept last night. I decide yoga is on order this morning instead of skiing before work. I pull out my mat and begin my routine. Combined with affirmations, I begin to relax and feel better about myself.
I hold a foot over my head with my hamstrings stretched to their max. The sweet release when I lower my leg reminds me things may not be as horrible as I imagined. I finish off my stretching and concentrate on thinking positive. The soft carpet under my toes muffles my steps as I walk to the kitchen.
I set a pan of water on the stove to boil and hear the twinge of the electric burner heat up. I can’t know what Kaleb thinks, and the best way to deal with this is to assume the best of him. I touch my lips when I remember his kiss. My core smolders as I think about his magic fingers inside me. Yeah, I’d be a fool to not fight for him.
Oats swish into the water, and I stir them. I’ll make sure to catch him after work and offer to bring him dinner, even though I know I won’t be able to spend much time with him. I refuse to let Gretchen be the one he thinks about. Armed with a plan, I dig into my oatmeal with passion.
I bolt from the Kids’ Castle and jog to the locker room in my ski boots. My feet scream with the torture, but it doesn’t stop me. I hope I’m not too late to catch Kaleb. Breathless, I enter the locker room. I put my skis in the rack, and they
slam as I quickly walk toward Kaleb’s aisle. I unsnap my helmet and put my gloves inside it. When I comb my fingers through my damp hair, I smell my shampoo and hope the vanilla scent masks the odor of sweat coming from my coat as I unzip it.
A wave of relief washes over me. He’s at his locker, and I ask, “Hey, want me to bring you dinner tonight?” I set my helmet down on the bench and lean against the locker next to his.
His eyes light up. Whew. He says, “I would love that. I’m tuning again. I’ll try to take a break when you get there.” He leans down and puts his forehead against mine. He speaks quietly, “I never got to tell you how nice the other night was.”
Oh goodness, my insides melt. I hook my fingers into the belt loops on the either side of his jeans and tug him a little closer. “I never told you how good you made my bed look.” I flash to the image of him lying naked on my flowered sheets. My stomach quivers, and my eyelids fall. I let out a tiny sigh.
He steps back and rubs his hands down his jean-covered thighs. “Whoa. Ah. I’ve got to get home for a shower.” He takes a piece of my hair and lets it slip through his fingers. “See you later?”
I nod at him with a sly smile. Oh yeah, I think we’re good.
Chapter Twenty
I’m ready for the holiday week to be over. I hop down from my truck, and my feet crunch icy snow. I’m refreshed and ready for a great ski day. While I get to go home and sleep as much as I want every night, Kaleb doesn’t. We haven’t had more than a few stolen moments alone, and something weighs heavy on my mind. I need to tell him about Lucas. I’m being selfish not sharing my past. He deserves to know the truth about who I am.
A breeze blows my hair back as I weave through the crowded parking lot. Kaleb has to be wondering what the other morning was about. He’s such a great guy that he hasn’t asked, but I feel like it’s the elephant in the room and it’s time to deal with it. I wonder if he has googled me and read about my affair. The headlines still burn in my memory.
What to Read After FSOG: The Gemstone Collection (WTRAFSOG Book 7) Page 147
