by Amy Marie
Sitting up straight, I nod. Why the hell not?
Four shots later, Kate and I are telling embarrassing stories about Ian. I’m way past drunk and headed into trashed. A knock at the door halts our laughing and Kate offers to answer it. I go into the kitchen and pour myself some water before hearing the commotion.
“Why are you here?”
“Well, you came to this house, why are you here?” Kate responds. “Who the hell are you?”
“Casen’s girlfriend!” I hear Embyr answering back, and I drop my plastic cup onto the floor. Not sure if it’s the shock of hearing Embyr’s voice for the second time today or the alcohol. Probably both.
At my door is Kate, barely dressed, in a standoff with Embyr.
Kate scoffs. “Casen doesn’t have a girlfriend.”
Embyr peers past her, looking beautiful yet so very broken and finds me staring back. “Didn’t take you very long, huh, Casen?”
She turns away from the door. Maybe it’s the alcohol or the talk with Reece, but I take off and run after her. Kate lets me by as I race past her in all my alcohol infused glory. I hear my door shut behind me just as I catch up to Embyr. I grab her upper arm, stopping her in her tracks, and turn her to face me. “What are you doing here?”
She rips her arm away from me. “I came here to talk to you.” Looking past me she adds, “But I see you’re busy. And you smell like a bar!”
My eyes widen. “Are you serious? You can’t come over here and pitch a fucking fit after I found out what you’re doing!” My voice booms off the hallway walls. My conversation with Reece is long gone. She makes me so fucking angry.
“Was.” She states, her shoulders slump.
“Was, what?”
She nervously shifts from foot to foot. “Was doing. I was doing all that stuff. Not anymore.” Her gaze searches mine. “Things changed.”
My heart starts to beat one hundred times faster. She can’t do this. She can’t seep into me and make me forget all the bullshit she did. What she put me through. What she put my friends through.
“I don’t care. You need to leave.” I point toward the elevators. She needs to do it soon before I pull her into my arms. My heart and alcohol are leading this conversation and not my brain. I need to rectify that.
“Do you still love me?” she asks, tears cascading down the side of her cheek. “I heard you tell Reece you did outside the funeral home.”
I take a moment to think about what I should say. I don’t want to give her the satisfaction. I want to hurt her just as much as she hurt me. I want to lie, but I can’t. “I still love you.”
Embyr lessens the gap between us, reaching out, looking for comfort. I step back, out of reach and watch her hand fall lifelessly to her side. “You have to go,” I tell her again.
“Are you sleeping with her?” Her breasts graze against my chest. I can feel myself becoming one with her.
I lean in real close, inhaling her scent. “If I was, it wouldn’t be any of your business.”
She shudders. “I miss you, Casen.”
I’m so drawn to her that I can’t help what comes next – I grab her by her neck and crash my lips to hers. They are soft, relenting, as I push my tongue inside and infuse it with hers. The tenseness in her body releases as she grabs my shirt and pulls me deeper into her.
“Embyr,” I whisper across her lips, blissful. But that only lasts a moment.
Not Embyr. Annie.
I pull myself away from her. “Leave.” I command.
She stands there as I walk back into my place, closing the door on us. On her.
FOUR
CASEN
TWO MONTHS LATER
“I’m fucking spent.” Reece complains, practically falling out of the fire truck, minutes after we return from a car accident just a block away. It seems like we’ve had nonstop calls most of the night and I feel as exhausted as he looks. I’m halfway thinking about taking a nap at the firehouse when the next shift comes in. I’m not sure I’ll make it back home before my eyes involuntarily shut.
“Me too.” I sigh, following him into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. “You have any plans today?”
He looks down, picking imaginary lint off his sweat-stained shirt. “I’m helping Trin move into the new place with Em.”
I shake my head. He calls her Em like they are best friends now. We don’t speak about her, or even Trinity, which makes me feel like a real asshole because I know she means a lot to him. I also suspect he is trying to be a good friend by not bringing up Embyr in our conversations. I just don’t think it’s helping me get over her by not talking about what happened. Or about anything. I’m so far from over her. The time has not been helpful like I had thought, and the kiss we shared in my hallway plays over and over in my mind on a daily basis. I lost a lot of my normalcy the day Ian died and I found out about Embyr. Actually, my life had been far from ordinary since the day I met Embyr.
I’ve thought a lot about what Reece said at the restaurant the day of Ian’s wake. All those years ago we let bad things happen to her. How could I not expect her to be angry with that? My mind though, it can’t wrap around the thought that she and Annie are one in the same. The sweet, innocent teenage girl morphed into a jaded adult who wanted revenge. Some days I don’t blame Embyr. We ruined her but I can’t get myself to forgive her for not telling me after she claims she had fallen in love with me. To say my mind is running in circles could be the understatement of the century.
My intention behind finding Annie was to make sure she was okay and ask her for forgiveness. So why shouldn’t I forgive Embyr? She didn’t make Patrick a thief. Wesley had already been disturbed for so long, and Evan, he was a scumbag cheater for years. I just can’t help but wonder what she was planning for Ian and Reece because I know slicing my heart into the tiniest of pieces was my revenge. I’m still trying to super glue it back together. The shitty part is that my heart still wants Embyr and my brain tells me to run, which is why I’ve successfully avoided her for the past sixty-three days. But who’s counting?
I try to play it off like I’m okay with him being buddy-buddy with the woman I hate to love and love to hate. “You sure you have enough energy for that?”
He shrugs, leaning into the doorway, his eyes meeting mine. He is most likely wondering if I’m going to fly off the handle with the mention of Embyr. I know he forgives her because he was mostly responsible for what happened back in high school. Me? I’m trying to let it go. I’m just wondering what happens when I finally do absolve her. Will I want her back? If I did, is she even still single?
“I don’t have a choice. They don’t have anyone else to help them.” He lifts his arms and flexes his biceps. “I’m the muscle.”
My eyebrows scrunch together. “It’s just the three of you moving all their stuff out?”
“Well, just stuff from Embyr’s condo. Last week Trinity moved in her things that were at her sister’s place. She didn’t have much since she left all her furniture at Embyr’s, and they just closed on the sale of her condo.”
I nod. My heart palpitating before I ask, “Do you want help?”
The water bottle he is holding freezes midway to his mouth, his eyebrows shooting up. “You know Embyr will be there?”
I squint my eyes in his direction. “I know, jackass. You have one minute to take my help or I’m going to go home and take a nap.”
Reece contemplates for a moment before he smiles. “Okay. I’ll take the help but only if you’re sure you can handle being around her. I know it’s been a while since you’ve seen one another.”
Keeping myself from growling, I brush past him. “I’ll be fine. Just text me what time to meet you over there.”
***
It’s just after lunch when I find myself walking down the hallway toward Embyr’s old condo. The last time I was here was to confront her. It feels like so long ago and yet no time has passed since. As I near her door, I can see it’s wide open and I hear Beyonce’s voice
filtering into the hall. When I step inside the doorway my entire body becomes paralyzed. I forgot how much of an effect she has on me, but this is different. This is something I have never seen before. Not from Annie. Not from Embyr. What I encounter is a woman looking completely carefree. Embyr is in a light blue t-shirt that is so see through you can see her royal colored sports bra underneath. Her white shorts cling tightly to her ass and I have to take a deep breath and not let all the blood rush south, where I sure as hell don’t want it to be. Her hair looks shorter, though I can’t tell for sure with it up in a ponytail. She’s lost some weight since I last saw her at the wake but her body looks to be more toned. Her narrow hips are swaying side to side as she sings and pulls down some wine glasses from the top of her cabinet. She quickly wraps one up and then proceeds to grab the next. Her voice is beautiful, and I’m astounded by what I’m looking at. Annie was always shy, reserved and Embyr was always abrasive and sexy. This, this is new.
I feel a hard shove from behind me. “Go in, man!” Reece shouts, scaring Embyr. She shrieks and drops the glass on the floor causing it to shatter.
She’s always breaking shit.
“Don’t move!” I command, striding over. “You don’t have shoes on.”
Her eyes are wide and she’s rendered speechless as I take her up into my arms and carry her over to the doorway. Her shirt slips and my hands come into contact with the soft skin of her stomach. I feel the goose bumps make their appearance underneath my fingertips and almost drop her next to her shoes. It’s like she burned my skin. I don’t think I was prepared enough for this.
“Put those on.” I point to her flip flops and walk back toward her kitchen where Reece is already sweeping up the broken glass. I pretend as if holding her had no effect on me.
We work together to clean up the remaining shards of glass. Embyr and Trin are both in the doorway, staring at me like I’m a sideshow. Embyr walks toward us after we’ve finished, turning the music down. “Casen.” She barely breathes my name out. I can’t hear it coming from her lips. It’s too much.
I swallow. “I’m here to help Reece move the big items. That’s it.”
Her face falls, but I can’t help noticing she dropped the contacts and her eyes are no longer emerald. They are Annie’s eyes. The deepest shade of chocolate. The ones I dreamed about almost every night in school. The ones I saw before all the bullshit we put her through.
In that moment, I become gutted. Here she was, standing in front of me, looking like the Annie I fell in love with back in high school, but with a hint of the Embyr, who had shown me that young love was nothing compared to what she can make me feel now.
I look to Reece. “Okay, where do you want to start?”
He points toward the bedroom and we walk in that direction without another word. The room is almost completely empty except her headboard, empty dresser, bed frame, and mattresses. It’s very different from all the times I spent in here. Those thoughts compound with flashes of us fucking in this room. I shake my head to clear it and grab one side of the dresser. “Ready?”
The four of us don’t speak to one another, allowing the music Embyr turned back on to play while we work. Reece and I bring down the heavy furniture while the girls carry the boxes down to the moving truck. It’s getting harder and harder to ignore Embyr. She’s glistening with sweat and every time she wipes her brow her shirt rides up. I’m thinking with my dick, and it’s killing me. I’m not able to concentrate. We are taking down the last few boxes and somehow Embyr and I end up in the elevator together – alone.
I keep my eyes cast downward.
“Thank you.” Her soft voice fills the small space. I look up. “For your help. I’m sure Reece appreciated it.”
I nod. “He’s welcome.”
She sighs with frustration. “Casen, can we please talk?”
Before I can answer the elevator dings and I’m saved. “Not now. I want to get this over with so I can go home.”
She says she wants to talk, but in reality, she’s just trying to find a way to explain everything and ask for forgiveness. I know why she did it. I want to absolve her as much as I want her to forgive me. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m so freaked out that she won’t forgive me and that’s why she didn’t come clean. Reece had said she was going to tell me the night Ian died. How do I even know that’s true?
I stop just outside the door, and she almost runs into me. I turn, careful not to hit her with the desk lamp sticking out of my box. “The night you came to my house and I found out about Ian…” I trail off, waiting to make sure I have her full attention. “Were you going to tell me?”
“Yes,” she answers without hesitation, a tiny tear falling down her cheek.
“Was it because Ian was going to tell me? I mean, would you have told me if he hadn’t found out?”
She sniffles. “If I’m being honest, which is something I’ve worked really hard on being these past few months, then I’m going to say that I would have only told you that night because I didn’t want you to find out from him. I wanted to be the one to tell you.”
My jaw ticked. “And if Ian would have never found out? I want the truth.”
“The truth?” She sniffles but stands resolute. “I would have told you within the week.”
I turned, not being able to handle the conversation anymore. She said she was being honest, and I really want to believe her. “You had plenty of other opportunities.” I commented, placing the last of her stuff in the truck.
***
“Another beer?” Trinity asks both Reece and me as we eat pizza on the patio of their new condo. It’s about a mile away from her old one and a bit bigger. This one has three bedrooms and two bathrooms with a beautiful view. I somehow got roped into staying after we were finished bringing everything up.
“Thanks.” I hand Trin my empty can and look out toward the city. We’re up on the tenth floor, and I’ve never been as appreciative for service elevators as I am today. Reece and I would have never made it up all these flights of stairs with her furniture. I am also very thankful for the four beers I’ve consumed. Between those and being tired I feel immune to Embyr’s presence or lack of since she turned down sitting outside with us. I shift in my seat, finding I need to use the restroom and excuse myself from Reece and Trinity.
He hasn’t talked that much about his and Trinity’s relationship, and they seem terse with one another. Not a lot of touching and it brings back my guilt of not being a good friend to him. I’ll need to ask him about it later.
I bump into the doorway coming out of the bathroom.
I really need to stop drinking. I’ll make this the last one. I ignore Embyr sitting on the floor of the living room sifting through some pictures. Sliding the patio door open, I’m faced with Trinity straddling Reece and looking as though they are in a fierce game of tonsil hockey. So much for being terse with one another. I grab what I think is my beer and shut the door.
I crack open the can and turn to Embyr, who seems overly interested in the picture in her hand. Her legs are folded and her shorts ride up all the way to the apex of her thighs. I will my dick to stay down and speak to her for the first time in hours. “What’s that?”
She startles, apparently not noticing I was standing there and lifts her arm to hand it to me. I swallow the lump in my throat as I look at a photo from what seems to be freshman year in high school. Sitting down next to her, I focus on what’s going on in the picture. A few of the students I don’t recognize, but Annie is the main focus of the picture. She’s got her arms around her old best friend posing and in the background Reece and me. While everyone else is playing volleyball, I am staring right at her. We both are.
“I wish I would have known you liked me back then,” she says, scooting closer to me. My body involuntarily gravitates toward her.
I snicker. “And here I thought I was being obvious.”
She gently plucks it from my hand and laughs quietly. “I guess if I wasn’t too busy being i
nvisible I might have been able to tell.”
I look at her, our eyes meeting. “You weren’t invisible to me.”
She glances down at my lips, the temptation of kissing her hanging heavily in the air. I want to reach out, pull her into my lap and forget all the wrongs that have been made. I long to lift my hand and caress her jaw, then grip it tight and pull her mouth to me, but it won’t move. My brain is still in charge here, and it won’t let me free.
Embyr notices my hesitation. “Casen, I am so sorry. I want to fix this. Fix us.”
I exhale the breath I was holding in. “I just can’t right now.”
“Yo!” Reece yells, interrupting us. “Uber will be downstairs in five.”
I pull away but not before taking the picture and putting it in my pocket, leaving Embyr, once again on the floor.
A few minutes later, Reece and I wait downstairs, looking for a black Chevy. “You and Trin looked cozy. I thought maybe you’d have a little sleepover tonight.”
“No. Not tonight.” Noticing the picture in my hand, he points to it. “What’s that?”
I hand it over and zipper my jacket. “A picture from high school.”
He’s staring at it intently, the crease between his eyebrows prominent. “Hmm.” His mood sours, and he gives it back to me without another word.
FIVE
EMBYR
I’m sliding the last shirt on a hanger and placing it in my closet when Trinity comes into my room, without knocking of course. She has two glasses of wine, one of which she is holding toward me. I greedily seize it from her hands while she takes her place on my recently made bed. I, deciding it’s wine o’clock, sit on my new fabric chair I purchased yesterday. It’s a teal and purple paisley pattern. My room has more than enough space to fit a small coffee table, the chair, and a new desk, as well as the dresser and bed I already own. Now that I work for the hotel, with a nice, honest salary, I wanted to turn my room into a place where I could not only rest my head at night but also work in comfort if need be.
The last two months since I lost Casen have been a real eye opener for me. Even though I fell in love with him, I still had so much pent up anger toward the entire PITCREW. I’ve been working on letting all of that go. I was a bitch and mad for so long that it’s been nice to just free myself of all that animosity. With all the mental changes I’ve strived to make, I have also made a lot of physical ones. I purchased a new condo that was not only closer to my job but had a more open concept. Something I really wanted in my home. The timing was great for Trinity since her sister finally got back on her feet with a job that helps with daycare expenses. She was more than happy to get out of there.
