by Kevin Hearne
“Sure. Now we can melt these out of you.”
“No. I already looked. The head and shaft are synthetic composites. We can’t unbind them.”
“Fuck.”
“No, this is good. It’s good, Atticus.”
“What?”
“I needed this. I needed to get hit hard and learn how to heal from it.”
“But you can’t heal with that thing stuck inside you.”
“We’ll get it out. Go deal with the Olympians.”
“They’re down already.”
“There will be more very soon, and you know it. Hermes and Mercury at the very least.”
“But—”
“Atticus. Seriously. I’ve got this.” She reached across with her right hand, clutched my shirt, and gently pulled me down to her lips. She kissed me and then said, her eyes mere inches from mine, “I’m stable inside and comfortably numb. I’m not leaking stomach acid or anything, and I have the internal bleeding stopped. All I need is for you to get me the hell out of here. You have a plan for that, right? Tell me you have a plan.”
“I have a plan,” I said, and remembered that it was true.
She smiled, new tears sheeting down from the corners of her eyes toward the tops of her ears, and I went all melty. “I knew you did,” she said. “I’ll do better next time. Now go.”
I rose from her lips but froze before getting to my feet, seeing the arrow again and the sodden bloody circle on her black clothing. I couldn’t leave her there. Some very old instincts told me that was impossible.
Granuaile heard and laughed once before she realized that was probably not a good idea with an arrow in her diaphragm. “Atticus, go. I’ll be invisible and safe enough for a while. Don’t worry about me.”
I ducked back down and kissed her again. “All right, I’ll go. But only because you would kick my ass if I stayed.”
“Take Oberon with you. He doesn’t want to stay here.”
Is that true?
She wants to deal with this alone. That’s okay. Speaking aloud, I said, “All right, let’s do this.” Oberon trotted next to me, tail wagging, and I gave him some love.
Thanks to Herne and his boys, Artemis and Diana had been turned into copies of the Black Knight, resting faceup on the forest floor with no arms and no legs. Their limbs were nearby but not close enough to heal, and I could see that, beyond the initial squirt of ichor, the Olympians’ remarkable regenerative processes had stopped the bleeding and they made very tidy torsos. The Morrigan’s prescience about Herne’s ability to help us was well warranted; I doubted I would have fared so well had he not been there, even with Flidais around. Artemis most likely would have locked her legs around my neck while I was unconscious and snapped it. I thanked Herne for his assistance, and he nodded but said nothing. He and Flidais helped me haul the pieces of Artemis over to where Diana lay and spread them out so that they were only a few feet apart.
I stood between the two bodies and the goddesses glowered up at me. I didn’t mock them or rub my victory in their faces. I kept my expression dispassionate as I set my plan in motion. //Druid ready for storage// I sent to Albion. //Ten pieces / My position / Leave large pieces for last//
The earth’s magic cannot be used to harm animals of a certain biological complexity. I can use it all I want to give myself an advantage in battle—speed and strength and camouflage and so on—but I can’t use it directly against an enemy or a critter that wants to eat me. It’s an immutable law and tattooed directly into my skin. But the immortal nature of the Olympians, I realized earlier, provided me with an interesting loophole. They couldn’t truly be harmed in any permanent sense by the earth; even when decapitated, their heads retained consciousness without oxygen, so I—or, rather, Albion—could do some things to them we’d never be able to do to any other creature.
Underneath the arms and legs of the huntresses, the forest floor began to bubble and shift. Gooey globs of what geologists call London Clay rose up and encased their limbs in a dark-brown slurry with little fossils sprinkled throughout. This was then coated with a layer of chalk and topped with gravel, which Albion bound together and then smoothed into solid rock.
“What is this?” Diana asked, swiveling her head from side to side, watching the process unfold.
“Your fate,” I said. “You will be interred in the earth until you agree to cease hunting me and my friends. No earthquake from Poseidon or Neptune will cough you out of the ground. You will remain in darkness, unheard and undying, until I decide to release you. You’d better hope I don’t perish in the meantime.”
The clay began to ooze over their torsos, and, once they felt it, their expressions lost much of their vinegar.
“I will cease hunting you and your friends,” Artemis said.
My eyebrows shot up at the quick capitulation. “You have my thanks. Diana?”
Her defiance returned. She tried to spit at me and missed. “I will never stop seeking your head,” she snarled.
I sucked in air past my teeth. “Wow, never is a very long time. Artemis, thank you very much for offering, but I hope you will forgive me if I don’t quite believe you yet. I will be more inclined to do so a bit later, perhaps. You and I will speak again soon.”
The clay had moved past their shoulders now and was creeping up the columns of their necks. Diana continued to glare at me while Artemis rolled her eyes down for a nervous look. “I am in earnest, Druid. I will swear it.”
“Again, I thank you, but you lack credibility at the moment.” And there was no way I was letting either of them loose right after they’d shot Granuaile and tried to kill me too. “We’ve defeated you three times now,” I reminded them. “Once in the Netherlands, once in the English Channel, and now here. It didn’t have to be this way. You might wish to consider while you’re underground if all this was worth it for the god of drunken assholes and five dryads who were perfectly healthy when last I saw them. Save for the past few days of self-defense, I have never assaulted you directly and have strived to amend my trespasses. Can you say the same?”
//Finish now// I sent to Albion, and the clay flowed to envelop the heads of the two huntresses, who screamed curses at me until the gunk cut them off. Once they sank out of sight—mute hunks of rock, safe from any attempt to retrieve them—I looked up in response to a small flutter of wings above. Hugin and Munin stared down at me from the branch of an elm.
“Yeah, I thought you’d show up now. Tell the Einherjar who bet against us to pound sand, Odin. We survived.” The ravens squawked but said nothing intelligible.
Laughter bubbled up from the throat of Flidais. “That was amusing, Atticus. And well done. How fares Granuaile?” I wondered why she had not shown any more concern before now.
“She’s wounded but stable until we finish here.”
“Are we not finished?”
“Not quite. Will you follow me to the edge of the clearing? You too, Herne?”
“Certainly,” Flidais replied, and Herne said aye.
“We mislike riding in the sun,” he said, “but will endure for the sake of our guests.”
The sun had a proper start on the morning now, and the cloud of debris from Windsor Castle was clearly visible once we reached the edge of the pasture. Helicopters were still circling around the Home Park but had yet to stray this far.
“Shouldn’t be much longer,” I said. “If Odin was watching that all unfold, then I’m sure the Olympians had some eyes on us as well.”
The ankle-winged boys didn’t keep us waiting. Less than a minute later, they zipped in from the south and hovered at twelve feet to deliver their decree from on high.
“We bring an urgent message from Jupiter and Zeus,” Mercury boomed.
I squinted and held a hand over my eyes to shield them from the sun. “You guys want to talk to me, get down here. I’m getti
ng a crick in my neck looking up at you.”
They floated down but kept themselves a foot off the ground so that they were still looking down at me.
“Zeus and Jupiter demand the release of the huntresses.”
“No,” I said. “We’re not doing this again. I’m not going to do a long-distance negotiation with the gods of the sky. I want a face-to-face.” I purposely turned away from Mercury and locked eyes with Hermes. “I want you to bring Zeus and Jupiter here to negotiate in good faith, safe conduct guaranteed on both sides, or so help me we will set the earth against all Olympians and none of you will ever be able to set foot on this plane again. Is that understood, Hermes?”
The Greek god nodded but said nothing. Mercury couldn’t stand the lack of attention and said, “I, not Hermes, deliver messages to Jupiter, Druid.”
Oberon. Take a risk for me? Pee on the Roman’s leg and then run.
You’re a guest here too, see.
“I know that, Mercury,” I replied, “but I respect Hermes. He’s not a jumbo ox box, for one thing.”
Mercury blanched, and then his complexion colored to a dyspeptic ochre. “What was that?” he said betwixt ground teeth. He didn’t know what a jumbo ox box was, but he was certain he didn’t like being called one. While he worked himself up to a rage, Oberon trotted up behind him and lifted a leg. A yellow stream of urine splashed against Mercury’s right leg near the back of the knee and trickled down his calf, wetting one of his wings. “What?” he said, flinching away and twisting to see what had happened.
Run now!
“Cur!” Mercury shouted, and gave chase, cruising above Oberon’s back. He swung and whiffed again as Oberon juked to the right.
“Herne?” I said. “He’s attacked a guest.” I waved at Mercury, and before the god could process that he’d overstepped his bounds, he had three ghosts on top of him, preventing further flight, and that was just for starters. The hounds leapt at his ankles and tore off his wings with their teeth. They shook the feathers like bird dogs as he fell screaming to the ground. Hermes tensed, ready to fly to Mercury’s aid, but I advised him to stay out of it. “You have a message to deliver, remember?”
That gave him pause and he wafted higher, out of reach. He snarled as he watched Herne and the hunters dismember Mercury into god cutlets. At my signal, Albion did his part and began to coat the various parts into the crust of the earth.
The bags around Hermes’s eyes glowed red, and his musical voice said, “There will be a reckoning, Druid.”
“What do you reckon this is, Hermes?” I pointed to Mercury, who was now being covered in clay and hollering about it. “This is what will become of all Olympians who seek to put me in my place. I will place them underground in pieces for eternity, unable to heal and unable to die. I don’t wish that, however, and I’m sure the Olympians don’t wish it either. Nothing has been done that cannot be undone. So, please, get you to Zeus and Jupiter too, and ask them to come speak in peace so that we can live in harmony again—or, at the very least, aggressively ignore one another.”
Hermes turned his red-rimmed eyes to Flidais. “The Tuatha Dé Danann condone this behavior?”
Flidais cleared her throat before answering in formal, diplomatic tones. “The violence is regrettable and we have no wish to give offense to Olympus, but it is our view that the Druids have acted solely in self-defense and they have the right to defend themselves.”
Hermes snorted in disbelief. “They sundered five dryads from their oaks. You believe that was done in self-defense?”
“It was necessary to contain Faunus if we were to escape Bacchus,” I said, unsure that Flidais knew all the details about that episode, “so, yes, it was self-defense, and the dryads were returned unharmed, as Olympus demanded.”
Hermes ignored me and said to Flidais, “What say you?”
“I say merely this: The Druids do the earth’s work on this plane, while the Tuatha Dé Danann are bound by old oaths to remain in Tír na nÓg as much as possible. We therefore wish them to remain alive and free. Can I be clearer?”
I almost blurted out, “No shit?” but schooled my expression to make it seem as if I had expected her unequivocal support all along. In truth, I’d been expecting an assertion of neutrality, even though she and Manannan—not to mention the Morrigan—had already intervened directly.
The Greek god huffed and his eyes flicked once more to Mercury—or, rather, to where Mercury had been. The earth had swallowed him completely, and his cries could no longer be heard.
“I just want to talk,” I reminded him.
“You might not like how the conversation ends,” Hermes said, before rising higher into the sky and winging south toward Olympus.
Chapter 25
While Hermes went to go tell his dad on me, I glanced at Flidais and said, “I was impressed by what you said. Is that truly what the Tuatha Dé Danann wish for us—to remain alive and free?”
“Perhaps not all of them,” Flidais admitted, “but it is the position of those who matter. It is what Brighid wishes.”
So Flidais remained the staunch ally of Brighid. “I’m relieved to hear it. Please give her my kindest regards.” That would serve as a thank-you without placing me in her debt.
“I will. What’s next?”
“Well, I sure wish Perun were here.”
“You do? Why?”
Once I explained, she offered to go get him. He’d been hiding out in Tír na nÓg with Brighid’s permission ever since Loki had destroyed his plane.
“How are you going to get him?” I said. “The Old Way under the castle is rubble now.”
“It’s not the only one around here.”
“It’s not?”
“Herne’s oak does double duty. It’s tethered to Tír na nÓg but it’s also an anchor to an Old Way. Why do you think we kept influencing England’s monarchs to plant new trees in the same spot when the old ones were ripped out?”
“What? You did?” The enormity of her omission hit home. “I mean, why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
She grinned, unrepentant. “I wanted to fight. And it was right to do so. The Olympians needed a lesson. But we can leave now if you wish.”
Earlier I would have jumped at the chance, but this was an opportunity to preserve our hides for more than a few hours or days. “No, I want to see this through. But if you could take Granuaile and Oberon with you—she needs help with the arrow—that would be great.”
Granuaile was fine with the idea and gladly limped into Flidais’s chariot once we went to fetch her. She wobbled and looked a bit peaked, but, true to her word, she seemed to have it under control. I gave her a kiss and wished her a speedy recovery. Oberon, however, flatly refused to leave me, and I didn’t have the heart to fight him on it.
After leaving Granuaile in the care of Goibhniu, who would saw off the arrowhead to allow the shaft to be withdrawn, Flidais came back before Zeus and Jupiter could arrive. She exited her chariot hand in hand with Perun, the Slavic god of thunder and her current snogging companion.
He looked rejuvenated and spoiling for a fight. His adventures in tailoring were also getting a bit wild. The V in his tight belted tunic plunged precipitously and ended just above his belly button, allowing what appeared to be red shag pile carpeting to spill out. His pants were tucked into blue calf-high boots with a flared top. He looked like a superhero from the seventies. He smiled and gave me a manly hug, which felt like being wrapped up in a throw rug and stomped on. Vertebrae popped and my wounded back sent me an outraged query, wondering what the hell I thought I was doing, allowing myself to be crushed like that. “Atticus! Is good to see you. Why does Flidais bring me here?”
“We need you to appear big and intimidating.”
“Ah, you need to scare peoples with face of rage?”
“That’s it.”
He smiled at me. “I can do this. Will be fun. Look.” He crossed his arms and the atmosphere darkened around him. His eyebrows drew together and his eyes, normally blue, flickered with the blue and white of lightning as he glowered down at us. He flexed everything and grew bigger.
I didn’t do anything, Oberon. This is performance art.
Perun’s visual promise of doom relaxed, and he grinned. The sky brightened immediately. “Is good, yes?”
I nodded enthusiastically. “That’s perfect.”
Perun had moved on to greeting Herne, and I was reminded again that he was one of the nicer gods I’d ever met—at least, when he wasn’t stirred to anger. He was going to provide me a bit of an edge in the coming psychological warfare. When they arrived, Zeus and Jupiter wouldn’t be able to intimidate us with muscles and thunder when we had plenty of that on our side. And I thought it would be important for the Greco–Romans to see that we had a thunder god throwing in his lot with us. They’d accord Perun some respect and perhaps pause long enough to give me a serious hearing. Without him, I’d expect the Olympians to pummel us into submission without bothering to talk.
The current popular image of Zeus as a cheerful, avuncular type perplexes me. I know it comes from a silly kids’ movie, but I’m not sure they could have gotten it more wrong. Zeus was never avuncular. He killed his father, raped his sister, and then married her, calculating that sanctified incest was marginally better than the unsanctified kind. After that he conducted a series of what are generously called “affairs” with mortal women, though sometimes tales will admit he “ravished” them, which is to say he raped them. He turned into a swan once for a girl with an avian fetish, and another time he manifested as a golden shower over a woman imprisoned in a hole in the ground. His actions clearly paint him as skeevy to the max and the most despicable of examples. He’s not the kind of god that belongs in kids’ films. He’s the kind that releases the kraken.
