by Holly Renee
After that morning, everything was different. It was as if Gabe and I never even had a friendship, never been anything more. He became a stranger, although, I guess he never had really been anything more than a stranger before if I really thought about it.
Every time we saw each other, it was awkward. We never talked about what happened, and he avoided me like the plague. It hurt. It killed me every time I saw him. Was he okay? Was he seeing someone else?
I hated to think about him being with someone else and not just sexually. I hated to think about him sitting on someone else’s couch watching movies. It gutted me to think about him laughing until his dimples showed through with someone else. That was what I missed the most. No one could make me laugh like Gabe. I didn’t even realize how much happiness he brought me until he was gone.
The last time I saw him was at Kat’s surprise birthday party. We didn’t speak a word to each other at that party. Every step I took; he took the opposite. I tried to avoid ever looking at him, but when our eyes did meet I tried to hide the pain that I knew everyone else could see. They all looked at me with pity in their eyes, and I hated it.
As soon as his eyes met mine, he grimaced as if what he saw in my face caused him regret. I looked away quickly. It was fine if he didn’t want anything more from me. I could handle that, but I couldn’t stand the thought that he regretted it. That he regretted me.
I never realized that would be the last time I saw him. He disappeared the next day, and I had no clue where he went. Not that I expected him to tell me, but I never expected him to leave. I broke down after I realized he was gone and begged Blake to tell me where he went. Of course, he refused. He told me to give him time. All he would say was the usual. Gabe had a history that Blake refused to tell me anything about and that he needed to work it out.
I was furious. I was mad at Blake for not telling me what I wanted to know. I was angry with Gabe for leaving and not giving me an explanation, but I was mostly upset with myself. I should had gone to him and demanded that he tell me why he ran away that morning. I had every right to know, but the fear of his rejection overpowered everything else. He had rejected me in every way possible, but he had yet to say it to me. I didn’t think I would survive hearing the words come out of his mouth.
The months since Gabe left had dragged on and on. In the beginning, I avoided hanging out with Kat and the guys, but Kat refused to let me sulk. She dragged me out of my apartment every chance she got even if I went kicking and screaming.
I knew that getting out of my house was the best thing for me, but being around the guys only reminded me of Gabe and I needed no reminders. He took up all my thoughts just as he had since the beginning. Him leaving and rejecting me only seemed to make it worse. I was worried about him. I wanted to know that he was safe and that he was okay, but I wouldn’t dare call him.
I dreamt of him every night. It would be a lie to say that I wished the dreams would end. My dreams were the only place that I was truly happy. They were the only place where I had Gabe. I clung to those dreams with a ferocity that was beyond unhealthy, but I didn’t care. I needed them to get through. They made me feel like I wasn’t alone even though my reality was completely different when I opened my eyes.
The first time that I hung out with the guys without Gabe was awkward to say the least. I could tell that they were all worried about me and were careful not to mention Gabe in conversation. I could feel myself clamming up with every uncomfortable minute that went by, but Johnny changed it. He placed his arm around my shoulders, pulled me close to him, and said, “Where is a pirate’s favorite place to eat?”
I looked up to his handsome face which was covered in a beard that he had been growing out in the last few months like he was crazy.
“I don’t know?” I said it more like a question. “Where?”
“ARRRRbys.” He drawled out the word dramatically as if it was the best joke he had ever heard.
I couldn’t stop the hysterical laugh that came out of me. It was as if a dam broke, and I doubled over in laughter at his lame joke. Everyone else joined in as Cash told Johnny how stupid he was. It was a stupid joke, but it changed the atmosphere around us. There was no longer an uncomfortable bubble surrounding us. We all joked easily with each other and avoided all talk of Gabe.
Johnny became my source of comfort throughout the last few months. We hung out often, and he always made me laugh. He also let me cry. We talked about Gabe and everything that had happened. We talked about how sad, angry, and heartbroken I was. He was there for me.
The rustling of bags brought me out of my thoughts as someone walked in the front door of my apartment. Seconds later, Johnny walked into the kitchen carrying to-go bags.
“What’s up? I brought Mexican.” His smile was infectious as it always was when I was around him.
“Nice. I rented movies. I rented three because I couldn’t pick so you are going to have to pick from them.”
“Sounds good, but we’re not watching Harry Potter again. I’m going to go ahead and put my foot down now.” He raised an eyebrow at me as if he expected me to argue.
I didn’t know what he was talking about. We hadn’t watched Harry Potter that much. Okay. Maybe we did, but who could blame me. Harry Potter was awesome.
“Fine.” I huffed causing Johnny to grin.
We began unloading the food and passing our orders to each other before we walked into the living room.
“So how was the date with Rebecca?” I asked as I stuffed some tortilla chips and salsa in my mouth.
“It was alright. Nothing special. I probably won’t be seeing her again.” He raised his shoulders as if it wasn’t important.
“Did you get laid?” I asked around the food in my mouth.
“First, it’s not very ladylike to talk with your mouth full, and second, it’s not very ladylike to ask questions like that.”
I flipped him the bird and stared at him expectantly.
He grinned his mischievous grin before saying, “Of course, I got laid.”
I laughed even though I already knew the answer. Johnny was a bit of a man whore. Well a lot of a man whore, actually.
“What did you do today?”
“Kat and I went and picked up my bridesmaid’s dress from alterations then we did some last minute wedding planning stuff. She is getting so excited.”
“I know. I would be freaking out if I was Blake, but he is just cool as a cucumber as if his life isn’t about to end.”
Johnny laughed when one of my chips hit him square in the forehead.
“His life isn’t about to end. Some people aren’t afraid of commitment.”
“Touche.” He saluted me with the same chip I just threw at him before popping it into his mouth.
Kat and Blake’s wedding was this weekend. I couldn’t believe how quickly the date had come, but they didn’t want to wait. Blake refused to let them have a long engagement because he said he had waited long enough to have Kat. It was actually pretty sickening how sweet he was with her.
They were amazing together, and I was honored that Kat had chosen me to be her Maid of Honor. Honored, but worried as hell. The problem? Gabe was Blake’s Best Man, and I was going to have to walk down the aisle with him.
Panic took over every time I thought about it, but I refused to let him have that much power over me. Kat had offered to not make me walk with him. She told me that I could walk with Johnny instead, but I told her no. I needed to be strong when I saw him. I couldn’t let a man that walked away from me without a backwards glance know how much he affected me.
“What’s on your mind?” Johnny’s voice broke through my thoughts.
“Oh.” I hadn’t realized that I quit eating. “Nothing. Just thinking.”
“It’s going to be okay. You know that right?”
I looked up into his eyes, and I knew that he could see straight through me. I had no doubt that he knew how terrified I was to see Gabe again.
I nodded my
head at him.
“I know.” My voice was quiet as I tried to keep the pain out of it.
Johnny stared at me for a long time and then smiled softly. “Alright. We can watch Harry Potter.”
I couldn’t stop the smile that overtook my face before I threw my head back laughing.
The wind flew by me as the engine rumbled beneath my body. It felt weird as shit to be passing by the familiar buildings that I hadn’t seen in months. As happy as I was to be back, I knew this wasn’t going to be a big happy reunion.
Erica hated me.
She had every right to. Fuck. I would hate me too, but that didn’t change the feeling I got in my chest every time I thought about it.
I pulled into Blake’s driveway and parked my motorcycle. My hands shook from the miles of holding the handle bars and from nerves I had been trying to hold back. I pulled my helmet off my head and ran my fingers through my hair that was in a desperate need of a cut. It hadn’t been at the top of my priorities over the last few months.
Taking a deep breath, I walked up to the front door of my best friend’s home. I didn’t know why I was so nervous, but I was worried about what they all would think about me. I knew that I hadn’t just hurt Erica. Blake told me how upset Kat had been with me. It killed me. Kat was one of my best friends, and I didn’t want to fuck that up too.
Before my knuckles hit the wood to knock, the door flew open and Kat burst through. I was so startled that I almost didn’t catch her as she launched herself into my arms.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I said against her hair that was smashed against my lips.
She leaned back to look at me and a small smile graced her lips. Blake walked out of the door behind her. I placed her on the ground and leaned into Blake to give him a hand shake and hug that we had mastered over the years.
“Hey, man. We’re glad you’re finally here.” Blake stepped back beside Kat and pulled her into his side.
“Me too,” I said awkwardly. Even though I’m sure he had told Kat where I had been, I didn’t want to get into it in front of her. I didn’t like anyone knowing that part of my life.
“What’s with the beard?” Kat cocked her head to the side as if she was picturing me without it.
I scratched the thick beard on my jaw and chuckled. “Don’t worry. I’ll shave before the wedding. I need a haircut too.”
“You shouldn’t. It looks hot.” Kat squealed as Blake smacked her ass. “What? He does.” She giggled.
“Thanks, sweetheart.” I winked at her, and Blake glared at me.
I loved being around Kat. She could always make me feel lighter somehow. She just had that personality.
“Well come on in.” Blake waved his hand toward the door as he scowled down at his still giggling fiancé.
I chuckled as I walked into the front door. What happened next took me by complete surprise and literally almost knocked me on my ass. I didn’t even see him coming until his fist landed on my face.
I was so startled at first that I didn’t react. Then I looked into one of my best friend’s eyes and saw fury staring back at me. I pushed Johnny hard in the chest as I tasted the blood that was pouring from my lip.
“What the fuck is your problem?”
“My problem?” His voice shook with anger. “What the fuck is your problem? Don’t think that you get to come back and fuck with her again. You stay the fuck away from Erica.”
My temper that was already at its breaking point, bubbled over, and I lunged at him. My shoulder hit him in the stomach, and we crashed into some sort of furniture before he slammed against the wall. I raised my fist to pound into him, but Blake’s arms came around me and jerked me away from Johnny before I got the chance.
“You don’t get to talk to me about Erica.” I pointed at him. “You don’t know shit.”
“Don’t I?” He tried to storm toward me but Cash had a firm hand against his chest. “Who do think has been holding her as she cries herself to sleep over you? Who do you think makes her smile when all she does is walk around with nothing but pain in her eyes?”
Pain sliced through my chest as anger raced through my veins.
“You’re with Erica?” My voice was so cold I almost didn’t recognize it.
“Of course I’m not with Erica, you dip shit. I’m one of your best friends. What I’m telling you is that she’s also one of my best friends, and I won’t sit by and watch you destroy her piece by piece.”
It gutted me. His words absolutely destroyed me. This was exactly what I wanted to avoid with Erica. I knew I wasn’t any good for her. I had tried to protect her from myself but failed.
My body sagged against Blake as all the fight left my body. “You don’t have to worry about that. I don’t plan on going anywhere near her.”
Staring at myself in the mirror, I shook out my hands and let out an anxious breath. I shouldn’t have been that nervous. You would think that I was meeting Tom Hardy by the way my heart was thumping in my chest.
There was a knock at the door and the noise caused me to jump slightly. I had no clue how I was going to make it through this weekend.
“Yea?” My voice even sounded shaky.
“Erica, we’re ready to get the rehearsal started. Are you okay?” Kat’s voice called through the bathroom door.
“I’m coming,” I called out as I straightened out my dress and took a final deep breath.
I opened the door and smiled at my best friend.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked with pity written all over her face.
“I’m fine,” I lied with a forced smile on my face. “Now turn that frown upside down. This is your wedding rehearsal. Get excited!”
She smiled back at me, and her happiness lit up her face.
“I know!” She squealed.
I laughed at her giddiness as she grabbed me and we walked out of the room hand in hand. We walked out of the building and onto the grass where everyone was standing near the lake.
The place was beautiful. The sun reflected off the lake in the background where they would say their vows. The trees and flowers were in full bloom and made the perfect setting for their wedding.
We walked up to the group slowly, and when Blake’s eyes landed on Kat, his handsome smile took over his face. He was so good looking that it was distracting. Well, he would be distracting if the man who haunted my dreams wasn’t standing next to him looking hotter than I had ever seen him.
His blond hair was much longer than it had been the last time I saw him, and he had it pushed back out of his eyes. His strong jaw was covered in a blond beard that he must have grown out since he had been gone. He looked hot. It wasn’t fair. He should look like shit. I could deal with that, but not this. He had on a pair of dark blue jeans and a white t-shirt that stretched against his muscles.
As if sensing my presence, his head swung around and his perfect green eyes met mine. It was almost like no time had passed. Just one look knocked the air out of me. I felt like I was stuck in place. I couldn’t pull my gaze away from his. I could barely even pull air into my lungs.
The air between us felt electric. It felt right. It killed me. I didn’t take my eyes off of him until I saw his eyes narrow at something behind me. Confused, I turned to look over my shoulder, but then I felt Johnny’s arm come around my waist and pull me into him.
Some of the tension left my body instantly when I was wrapped in the safety that was Johnny.
“How are you doing, honey?” he asked low in my ear so only I could hear.
It took me a moment to answer him. It was a simple question, but the answer wasn’t what had me stumped. It was the look on Gabe’s face. Anger burned in his eyes and his jaw was clenched to the point that I thought it might break. I followed the trail of his burning gaze to where it landed on my hip. On the exact spot where Johnny’s hand was resting.
“I… I’m okay,” I said back to Johnny while still watching Gabe.
He looked back at me when he heard my voice. S
omething I couldn’t decipher crossed his face when his eyes met mine again, and he quickly looked away.
Although it hurt seeing him, I also felt a little giddy at the thought of him being jealous of Johnny. It was irrational. I had no business having those thoughts, but he also had no right to be jealous.
I studied his face as he avoided my eyes and noticed for the first time that his bottom lip was split and swollen. It worried me. I had drove myself crazy worrying about whether or not he was taking care of himself, and seeing his injured lip made me believe that he wasn’t.
“Alright, everyone.” The wedding coordinators voice pulled my attention away from him. “I need everyone to line up back here so we can run through the ceremony. Blake, I need you to go stand with the preacher.”
Everyone started moving into position as we were told.
“Okay. I need the Maid of Honor and the Best Man here.” She pointed to the spot right in front of Kat.
I walked to my spot and stared straight ahead. My hands were sweating as Gabe saddled up next to me. I didn’t dare look to my right. Staring straight ahead, I pretended to pay very close attention to everything the wedding coordinator was saying. Pretended being the keyword because I didn’t hear a damn word the lady said. All I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears and my heart beat as it felt like it would pump out of my chest.
Gabe’s scent hit my nose and it took everything inside of me not to moan. Did he have to smell so damn good, too?
He was standing so close to me that I could feel the heat coming off his skin. Skin that I was lucky enough to have a brief but amazing encounter with.
“When you hear the music begin, that is the cue for the first couple to begin walking. Bridesmaids should have their right hand resting in the elbow of your partner’s arm and your left hand should be holding your bouquet at your belly button.”
My stomach churned at her words. I looked behind me at Kat while I fingered the small diamond on my necklace. Her beaming smile helped calm the storm inside me. My best friend was getting married tomorrow, and it was the happiest I had ever seen her. No matter what I was feeling, it was the only thing that mattered in that moment.
