by Minna Howard
‘It’s true,’ he said. ‘He just thought you might like to move somewhere smaller, even to the country, now that the children have left home.’
She was right; no doubt Dan would feel more comfortable if she moved miles away, so there would be no more scenes in places such as Bond Street. Or bumping into him pushing a pram in the street. But she did not want to, would not, live anywhere but where she was now.
‘Understand this,’ she just stopped herself from wagging her finger at him to emphasise her point, ‘I bought that house fairly and squarely. I love it, and I’m going to stay there. I’m going to divorce my husband,’ she decided suddenly, ‘and go to court about it, settle it once and for all.’ She got up to stand by the door, even though the bus had not reached her stop.
‘I wish you weren’t so hostile,’ he said. ‘I just want you to know that if for whatever reason you want to move you’ll sell it to me, that’s all.’ He got up and joined her and as the bus lurched and trundled its way up the road they swayed into each other, and he put out his hand to steady her quite disarming her.
‘I think I’ll get out at the next stop,’ she said moving away from him and sitting down on an empty seat next to a woman and her wriggling child. She did not look his way again and it was most annoying that the anger seemed to have gone from her and she was feeling warmer towards him.
Eleven
Polly stayed at home, nursing her broken heart. At first, Sarah was pleased that she was there, having her to do things for, to chat to in the evenings, but after a while she felt that Polly’s apathetic misery was holding back both their chances of recovery.
It was hard to accept that one had to move on after suffering an emotional catastrophe. It was so tempting to hold on to the security of past memories, the way of life that was familiar. Sarah had come to realise that, hard though it was, letting go of the past was the only way to recover. But the past, like a persistent film, kept rolling into her mind at the most unlikely times, triggered off by the most trivial of things; or not so trivial, if she thought of Dan and Robert and her feeling that they were ganging up on her to grab the house. She tried to tell Polly this, to attempt to make sense of it herself as well as to comfort her, but Polly’s pain was too raw to take heed of it.
‘You don’t understand, Mum,’ she kept moaning. ‘He was the only man I ever truly loved.’
‘Your father was the only man I ever truly loved,’ she’d said.
‘And you still do,’ Polly threw at her.
‘Only the dregs of it, but they’ll go soon, especially if he sides with Robert and tries to get me to sell this house,’ she said, accepting that love took some dying and could not be cut off instantly like a fading plant. ‘Look,’ she changed the subject, ‘I know you didn’t mean it, Pol, but please tell Dad nothing about my life. I don’t know why he still wants to know anyway.’
‘Are you going to divorce him?’ Polly asked.
‘I’m going to find a good lawyer,’ Sarah said, thinking that was the first step.
‘He might get bored of Nina and want to come back,’ Polly said, watching her reaction.
‘It’s too late, Pol.’ She put her arm round her, guessing that her tears over losing Joe were also for the end of her happy childhood. ‘Whatever happens, I will never take him back. Please accept that.’
*
‘It’s bad for you to have Polly like this,’ Celine said to Sarah, when she told her of the conversation. ‘When does she go back to university?’
‘October. She and Joe were going to Thailand for a few weeks,’ Sarah explained. ‘She doesn’t want to go alone, and I must say I’m relieved about that, but it seems she has no motivation to do anything else. It’s as if she’d earmarked that time to be with him and, now that he has gone, she can’t do anything else.’
‘I could take her with me to India,’ Celine said. She was due to go, as she did each year, to visit the fabric manufacturers. ‘I could do with someone to help me. I couldn’t pay her much, but I’d pay her fare and hotel.’
‘Could you? She can be a tremendous help if she puts her mind to it, but now…’ Sarah sighed, wondering if Polly would even consider going. But the trip would be good for her.
‘I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t mean it,’ Celine said. ‘She’s a great girl; got good taste, too – her bedroom is very imaginative and pretty. Why don’t you ask her – she can only dig in her heels and refuse.’
Sarah was determined that Polly would go with Celine. She could fit in the two weeks before she had to go back to university. During the day, she toyed with various ways of broaching the subject with her, and promptly forgot them all as she walked through the front door that night. In a voice breathless with excitement, Sarah said, ‘Guess what? Celine wants you to go to India with her to help with her fabrics. What do you think?’
Polly was lying aimlessly on a sun-lounger in the garden, resting after a limp session in the gym. It was September now the air still warm.
‘Did you put her up to this, Mum?’ She eyed her warily, sitting up slowly as if she was an invalid.
‘No, I did not. It never occurred to me. She always goes to India at this time of year, and I didn’t realise that she wanted to take anyone with her. But it seems she needs someone trustworthy and reliable to help her with things.’
‘I can’t, in case…’ Polly hesitated, her eyes huge with misery. Sarah could read her thoughts. One of the reasons Polly stayed at home so much was in the hope that Joe would come back to find her. She also suspected that the main reason Polly occasionally ventured out to the gym was because she hoped she might see him there.
She said firmly, ‘Pol, do not waste your life waiting around for him. Accept that he might never come back, but that he is far more likely to come back if you’re not here and he thinks you are off somewhere having fun without him.’
Polly’s pretty young face looked ancient with misery. Sarah’s heart ached for her. ‘I wish he would come back, Mum. I really did love him.’
‘I know, darling. It is hard. I really did love your father, too; no one else ever so much.’ She sat down beside her and hugged her. The more you had loved someone, the worse was the pain when it ended.
‘Well, then, you won’t want to be left alone.’ Polly came up with another excuse to stay at home.
‘I’ve plans, I told you. I want to use my mind. There’s an Egyptology class at a school near the Brompton Road in the evening. I thought I might enrol, it’s something I’ve become interested in since Tim started on Ancient History.’
Polly frowned. ‘Why not take up Italian? They so often have really sexy teachers.’
‘All about twenty-five years old,’ Sarah laughed.
They heard a movement from the garden next door, as if something was lurking in the shrubs. It was unnerving having Robert just behind the trellis, no doubt listening to everything they said.
One of the first things Sarah had done on her return from Italy was to push all the loose strands of his creeper through to his side so that he could train them as he wished and not have to come into her garden to do it.
She had given the letter from his solicitor to Rebecca. She had written him a formal letter thanking him for his and saying that if Sarah ever planned to move, he would be the first to know, but until then he must leave her alone and avoid harassment.
‘I’m sorry if you think I’m harassing you,’ he said, catching up with her in the street one morning. ‘I was just so disappointed Anna and Paul didn’t tell me they were moving after promising me they would. Perhaps it would be best if I looked for somewhere bigger, it’s just that if I’d bought your house it would be so much easier for my orchids.’
May be,’ she said, looking at him strangely, ‘but it wouldn’t be easier for me.’ She darted into the newsagent’s to escape him.
*
It did not take long to persuade Polly to go to India with Celine. Tim was wildly jealous.
‘I’d love to
go to India. I’ve always wanted to. If she’ll pay my way, I won’t ask for any wages at all.’
‘But she doesn’t want you, dolt, you don’t have any taste!’ Polly chaffed at him, sibling rivalry igniting her old fire.
While Polly and Celine were away, Sarah would go into the shop every day including Saturday. Briar would be there and her friend Maggie, who was in her late sixties, but as energetic as a twenty-year-old and often came in to help part time.
Sarah had just arrived home the first evening after Polly had left, had not even closed the front door, when someone called her name. It was Gerry.
He looked as untidy as ever. He grinned, thrust a bunch of ready-arranged flowers at her, which he had obviously bought from the garage up the road.
‘House-warming. Sorry I haven’t been round before.’ He took a step towards her, almost standing in the doorway.
‘Oh, Gerry, how kind. Look, I’m frightfully sorry but it’s not convenient at the moment.’ He was the last person she wanted to see – well, the second last, after Robert. She hadn’t seen Linda for ages and had hoped after their last embarrassing meeting that Gerry would not follow her here.
He ignored her. ‘How are you, Sarah? I thought you’d like to come out to dinner. We could eat locally and—’
‘Where’s Linda?’ she asked abruptly.
He coloured slightly, emitted an awkward laugh. ‘I’d like to confide in you, Sarah, we are such old friends, but here on the street...’
She stood firm on the doorstep. ‘What’s happened? Tell me quietly, no one else can hear. I don’t want you inside on your own after last time.’ Was he now going to say that their marriage had broken up, too?
He smiled. ‘Come on, we’re old friends. What have we to lose? You’re alone and Linda, well, she’s never been that keen on the old bed bit, you know, so I thought—’
‘You thought wrong,’ Sarah broke in, her anger mounting. Then, from the corner of her eye, she saw Robert coming up the street. ‘Please go home at once,’ she hissed, ‘and do not come back again, ever, with these disgusting requests.’
Gerry flinched but stood his ground. ‘I saw Dan last week. He’s such a fool, I told him so. I want to look after you, Sarah. You know, you and I, well, we won’t hurt anyone,’ he said reasonably.
Robert reached his front door. The three of them stood together outside the two front doors. Sarah did not look his way, but she was aware that he was watching them. If she weakened now, Gerry would be inside her house and all over her like a galloping rash, but if she told Gerry to go he might make a fuss and that would be embarrassing.
‘Good evening, Sarah,’ Robert said, forcing her to reply.
‘Evening,’ Sarah muttered, then, as he seemed to be taking rather a long time to unlock his front door, she said to Gerry, ‘Why don’t you take the flowers home to Linda?’
‘I bought them for you,’ he said, thrusting them at her. He glanced at Robert, who was still fiddling with his key in the lock.
‘I’ll come back another time,’ Gerry said, eyeing her meaningfully. ‘When you have more time.’
‘Only if you bring Linda with you,’ she said sternly, taking the flowers he thrust at her, then shutting the door firmly on both men.
She threw herself down on the sofa in despair, feeling used and insulted. She guessed what he’d got in mind. She was alone; Linda had gone off ‘the bed bit’, so he expected her to be grateful for sex sessions with him. It was too nauseating and depressing – if she wanted a sex life, would she have to make do with such offerings?
*
A few days later, Sarah was alone in the shop, tidying, just before putting on the alarm and locking up, when the door opened and Christian walked in.
It was such a shock seeing him. She blushed like a girl and could not think of a single thing to say to him. He was immaculate in a dark suit, his face tanned and healthy, his brown eyes sparkling.
He smiled at her. ‘I’ve been away. There was a crisis in the office in Australia. I’ve been there all this time. He lifted his hands in mock despair. ‘Perhaps you’ve forgotten me altogether, but as I was passing…’ He let the words fade and she saw a slight shyness in his expression, as if he was expecting her rejection.
‘No, I haven’t, it’s… good to see you again.’ She would not say that once or twice she had thought of him, perhaps even been guilty of building him up into something that he wasn’t. How fervently she’d wished she had not disgraced herself with that scene in the glass bar.
‘Good. Are you free tonight for dinner, or Friday?’
She was free that night. She was free every night. But should she play the game of pretending she was so busy with such a social whirl that it would be difficult to fit him in? She had not been out on a proper date – excluding the drink she’d had with Christian – since she had married Dan. Anxieties attacked her like a swarm of bees. What did dinner mean? Gerry’s eager ideas came back to her. Would she have to sleep with him? Would he feel he had to sleep with her? Would he have to take Viagra with his pudding? She couldn’t think of anything to say to refuse him, but she didn’t want to refuse him.
She said, ‘Tonight will be fine. Thank you.’
‘Good. I’ll pick you up about eight. Tell me the address again.’
‘You needn’t pick me up,’ she said. ‘It’s a bit out of your way.’ He must live round here, she imagined, as he seemed to pass the shop fairly regularly.
‘I’m going to pick you up,’ he said, taking out his mobile ‘Tell me your address, and while you’re at it,’ he grinned at her, ‘your last name again.’
‘Sarah Haywood,’ she said, her heart fluttering like a caged bird in her chest. He had not been put off by her hysterical behaviour. She would leave her mobile phone turned off tonight so no one could set her off again with more lurid tales of Dan’s prowess in the bedroom.
‘See you then!’ With a wave, he had gone. She resisted the temptation to watch him going up the street.
She rushed home, as hot and bothered as a young girl getting ready for her first date. What should she wear? Would it be smart or smart-casual? Thank goodness she’d washed her hair yesterday and had it cut recently. She raked through her wardrobe, discarding things in despair. Nothing she had seemed right. That safe dove-grey suit was too middle-aged, those silk trousers a little tight. She bathed, put on clean underwear, again sick with anxiety. Her underwear was hardly sexy, just pretty practical things from a chain-store. Although she designed underwear for the shop, she didn’t possess any herself. Beautiful silk lingerie had to be hand-washed, and she did not have that lifestyle.
Nerves made her wish she had not accepted his invitation. It would have been so much easier to refuse and not put herself through such stress. Plenty of friends had suggested dating sites ranging from the serious professional to the no-strings and risky – she wouldn’t dare go near any of them; just looking at them on Linda’s laptop had made her squirm.
The doorbell rang, making her jump. He couldn’t be here already; it was only 7.45. She pulled on her dressing-gown and went downstairs to open the door. She had her hair and make-up done, and just had to decide what clothes to wear. She opened the door to welcome him with a smile. It was Robert.
When he saw her, his eyes lit up and she saw him struggle to compose his features.
‘I can’t see you at all now, I’m getting ready to go out,’ she said, attempting to shut the door.
‘I can see that, so I’ll be brief. I have a business proposition to put to you.’ He smiled as if he were an old friend.
‘I don’t want to hear it,’ she said. Why was he always lurking? He must go. Christian would be here at any minute, and she wasn’t dressed.
‘I am going to tell you anyway,’ Robert said easily. His eyes held amusement and a slight excitement, which annoyed her no end. No doubt he thought he could confuse her with some legal mumbo-jumbo that would work in his favour and not in hers, or say that Dan had consulted a divorce
lawyer who had agreed that this house was too big and too expensive for her needs. Without thinking, she put her bare foot with its pink lacquered nails on to his shiny black shoe. ‘Please go. I haven’t time to listen to you now.’
He looked down at her foot, slim and pale-skinned against his dark shoe. He was looking at it tenderly, almost covetously.
She shot it back and said roughly, ‘Just go and leave me alone, Robert. You’re upsetting me and I’m in a rush.’
His face darkened. She saw the small throb of a nerve against his temple. ‘I had no intention of doing that, but I think my idea is a good one. I wanted you to hear it,’ he said, sounding rather aggrieved.
‘Write it down and put it through my letterbox,’ she said firmly, not wanting to give him her mobile number. ‘Now please go!’
He did not move. He said, ‘I just wondered if you would sell me a piece of your garden?’
‘No, I will not.’ To her horror, she saw that Christian was behind him. One look at her in her dressing-gown and Robert halfway into her hall obviously made him leap to conclusions. His face tightened and he hesitated, as if to go away.
Sarah called out to him, ‘Come in, Christian! This is just my neighbour. I’ll be ready in one minute.’ She glared at Robert, who turned round and studied Christian. The two men eyed each other with hostility.
What a disaster. A pleasant evening had been spoilt before it had even begun. Christian would think she was an easy lay; it would start off the wrong way.
To add to her mortification, Robert introduced himself to Christian. Only a few days ago he had seen her with Gerry on the doorstep. She wondered at first if he thought Christian was Dan and would confirm their phone call, or maybe he’d thought Gerry was Dan, bringing her flowers in the hopes of getting her back. Either way, she did not want Robert anywhere near her affairs.
