by J. Sterling
“This asshole,” he said, cutting me off. “Me. I know; I fucking know, Jules. I was wrong. I was an idiot. Please let me explain. Hear me out.”
Glancing down at my cell phone and noting the time, I shook my head. “I have to go. I’m late for an appointment.”
I pushed off of the ground and wiped the seat of my pants off with my hands before I scooped up my papers and headed for my car.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Cal yelled at my retreating back.
“Sure you’re not,” I shouted over my shoulder without looking at him, unsure of what I’d do if I had to face him again.
Only once I was in the privacy of my car did I allow the few tears that had formed to fall. I refused to let him see me cry. I’d cried enough over Cal in the last several weeks; I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he still affected me.
He didn’t deserve my tears.
Didn’t Go Well
Cal
I watched as Jules got into her car and wiped at her face with the back of her hand. Before that moment, I hadn’t thought that I could feel any worse, but knowing that I made her cry proved me wrong. I sank even lower, feeling more like an asshole than I had five minutes ago.
Then her window rolled down and my heart flipped inside my chest as she turned to look at me.
“How could you go all that time without saying a single word to me? You ignored me.” Her voice shook as she continued. “Your silence was a thousand times worse than anything you could have said to me. It was your indifference that gutted me the most.”
Had I completely ruined her, ruined any chance of there being an us ever again?
I jogged over to her car, not wanting her to leave, desperate for her to hear me out. I should have brought flowers. But here I was, running toward her car emptyhanded like the insensitive jerk I was.
“I wasn’t indifferent; I was never indifferent. I was stubborn and fighting with myself every day to prove that I was stronger than the pull you had over me,” I admitted, needing her to know the state I was in without her.
“But why? All you did was hurt me. You had to know that you were hurting me.” Her green eyes looked pained, and I hated that I was the one who put the hurt there. I should be the guy who took her pain away, not the one who made her feel it.
I couldn’t pretend like I didn’t know. I thought about lying to her, saying whatever would bring her the most comfort, but she deserved the truth. She deserved so much more than that after what I’d pulled. So I swallowed my pride around the lump in my throat.
“Yes. I knew I was hurting you.”
“And you did that willingly. You made a choice to hurt me. Every single day for weeks, you consciously chose that.” Her eyes filled again and I thought it might break me.
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” I tried to explain, but what could I possibly say that would make this okay? “I didn’t want to hurt you, Jules, I just knew that I was. I put my ego and pride over your feelings. Hell, I put them over my own feelings.”
“But you did hurt me.”
“I know.”
“How do I know you won’t do that again?”
When she tore her gaze away from mine, I felt instantly lost. I hated what was happening, hated that I’d hurt her and she despised me for it. I deserved it, but I couldn’t stand what I’d done.
“You don’t. Nothing I say will mean a damn thing right now.”
“Then why are you here?” Her jaw clenched as she glared at me.
“Because I want to show you how sorry I am. I want you back.”
Jules narrowed her eyes. “You made me feel like I didn’t matter. Do you have any idea how that feels? I met you and you mattered to me, Cal, more than anyone I’d met in a long time. And then you made me feel like I never existed, like you could live without me. Easily.”
If she only knew the whole reason I was here was because I couldn’t live without her. I knew that now.
“You always existed. There wasn’t a single day where you didn’t live inside me. I noticed everything you did. Every single thing you said. Every post you put on social media, I saw it all. Until you unfriended me. That was a torture of its own kind, but I knew I deserved it.”
“You let me sit there and believe you didn’t care.”
“I know I did, and I was wrong. I was an idiot. I’m so sorry, Jules.”
She sucked in a quick breath, the pink coloring her cheeks telling me loud and clear that her temper was rising. “You know what, Cal? Fuck you and your I’m sorrys.”
I blinked at her in disbelief. “What?”
“I want you to leave.” She pointed toward the exit of her complex and shot me a look that could kill weaker men.
I didn’t blame her. I’d have to show her I knew how wrong I’d been. I’d have to prove to her that she could trust me.
“Can we finish this conversation, at least? Please, Jules.”
“This conversation is over. You wrecked me. I opened my heart to you, and I trusted you. I believed the things you said to me, the way you made me feel, and then you disappeared on me. You have no idea what the past five weeks have been like for me. No idea. Because if you did, you would have stopped what you were doing by day two.”
She glared at me, trying to be strong, but I could tell she was as broken as I was.
“Don’t walk away from me, Jules. Please don’t,” I begged. I wasn’t above it at this point.
“At least you know I’m going.” She shoved my hand off her car door and stepped on the gas, leaving me and my broken heart in her rearview mirror.
I had hurt her more than I realized. I’d been hurting too, but it was nothing compared to what I’d put her through. I hadn’t expected this level of pain. I should have known better, but I was an idiot. That much, at least, was clear.
That did not go as planned. Pulling out my cell, I dialed Lucas, who had been waiting for an update since the day I told him I was coming out here.
“How’d it go?” he said instead of hello.
“Like hell.”
He laughed. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think my best friend thought this situation was funny. And it was anything but funny.
“Well, what’d you expect?” he asked.
“I don’t know, but not that. I thought she’d at least be mildly happy to see me. Maybe give me a smile,” I admitted. “There was no smiling, Lucas.”
“Bro, you didn’t speak to the girl for weeks. Thirty-seven days, to be exact. That’s a long-ass time when you’re separated by the entire country and can’t run into each other at the gym or the grocery store. She texted you and e-mailed you and you didn’t respond to any of it. So you, what, thought she’d go jumping into your buff arms the second she laid eyes on you?”
When he laughed again, I found myself wishing he was sitting next to me so I could punch him. “Stop fucking laughing,” I growled out, which only made him laugh harder.
He finally finished his laugh attack, and his tone turned serious. “You hurt her.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here.”
“It’s not enough that you’re there. It’s a nice gesture, don’t get me wrong, and it’s way better than a phone call or a text apology. But she’s going to need more than just you showing up on her front porch saying you’re sorry. You’re going to have to convince her that she can give you her heart again. Look what you did to it the last time she gave it to you.”
I tried to swallow, but couldn’t. Lucas’s words struck more than a single nerve inside me. It felt like he struck every one.
“You’re good at this,” I muttered.
“I know.”
“So, what do I do? How do I convince her to give me another chance?”
He blew out a long breath into the line. “You’ve got to figure that one out on your own, but I will tell you this. Don’t give up, no matter what she says. It’s only been five weeks. There’s no way her heart’s completely changed course in that time. Trust me.”
“Trust you? You don’t even date girls!”
“No, I don’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have experience with feelings and emotions. People are people, Cal. Don’t be a prick.”
I groaned. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just in a shitty mood, man. I don’t want to lose her.” My heart was literally aching inside my chest. I wanted to reach inside and yank it out just to get it to stop.
“Then don’t stop fighting. Even when she tries to make you, Cal. If she pushes away and you run, you lose. You’ll only prove her right if you do that.”
“Prove her right?”
Lucas let out an exasperated sigh. “If she tells you to go away and you do, then all you’ve done is show her again that she wasn’t worth it. You can’t take no for an answer. You can’t let her push you away. You have to be stubborn.”
I nodded as I listened, and everything fell into place in my mind. “You’re right. That’s sort of what I was thinking anyway. I’m good at stubborn.”
“No shit,” he agreed too easily.
“Thanks, Luc. Talk to you later.”
I tucked my phone in my pocket and began pacing back and forth on the sidewalk in front of Jules’s apartment building.
How the hell was I supposed to prove anything to her when we didn’t even live in the same state? I couldn’t stay out here forever, but this was one war I refused to lose.
I’d have to start all over and win her back from scratch.
What Do I Do?
Jules
I practically peeled out of my parking lot, leaving Cal behind in my virtual dust. Or maybe I kicked up real dust and hit him in the face with it. I tried not to care, but oh how I cared.
Pressing the button on my steering wheel, I prayed to whoever was listening that Tami would be able to take a call from me. I needed my best friend.
“Hey,” she answered. “I have court in thirty-five. What’s up?”
“He’s here.”
“He, who? What are you—” She stopped and made a weird sound that reflected exactly how I currently felt inside, twisted up and short of breath. “Cal? He’s where?”
“He was at my apartment just now.”
My heart raced inside my chest. My emotions were spinning like a roulette wheel, not knowing which one to land on. I felt so many things all at once; too many, in fact.
“Holy shit, Jules. What did he say? How did he look? How do you feel?”
I tried to suck in a deep breath, but my lungs failed me. “I don’t know. He said he was sorry. He looked really good, which is beyond irritating, to be honest.”
She whistled into the phone. “I bet. And you?”
“I’m a mess.”
“How did you feel when you first saw him?” she asked in her lawyer voice, as if I were a client up for questioning against the opposition later. Hell, maybe I was.
I settled my mind, searching for the answer. “I was confused at first, you know? Like my brain couldn’t comprehend how he was standing in front of me when he was supposed to be on the other side of the country.”
“It’s Wednesday. What the hell is he doing here on a Wednesday?”
Good question. I hadn’t even thought about the fact that he was all the way out here during the middle of a work week.
“I don’t know. That is weird, though.”
“It is. We’ll come back to that. So your head was confused; I get that. But how did your heart feel?”
“Like it grew a thousand sizes in that first second. Him being here . . . it’s what I wanted for so long.”
“And now?” she asked, and a tapping sound filtered through our connection. Tapping her pen against her desk, probably.
“I’d just given up hope of it ever happening. I’d accepted our fate.”
“But you still have feelings for him, don’t you?” she asked through the sound of a pen scratching against paper.
“I honestly thought I didn’t,” I said as I slowed my car to a stop on the highway.
“But seeing him changed that?” The pen stopped scrawling, telling me she was focused on my answer.
I navigated around some traffic once the light turned green before taking a right. “Definitely. Seeing him made me realize how much I’d been lying to myself.”
“You weren’t lying, Jules. You had no other choice.”
“Thank you.” Her words made me feel marginally better. “So, what the hell do I do?”
“I have no idea. Just don’t give in too easily. I mean, if you want to forgive him, make him work for it. Don’t forget how heartbroken you were when he disappeared.”
“I could never.” I couldn’t forget the way his leaving made me feel if I tried. All I knew was that I never wanted to experience that kind of pain again. “I could never forget that.”
“I’m sorry, Jules, but I need to go. I’ll call you later and check in. Love you, and good luck,” Tami said before ending our call.
Pulling my car through the privacy gate and onto the stunning ocean-front property I was scheduled to show, I sat for a minute longer, my brain reeling, until my heart rate finally returned to normal.
I would get through today, hopefully sell a house, and deal with Cal later. He could not be my priority today. I sure as hell hadn’t been his in weeks.
With a determined breath, I got out of my car and went to work.
• • •
Pulling into my assigned parking space after work, I noticed Cal immediately. His large frame was hunched over as he sat on the staircase leading up to my apartment, a bouquet of red roses and a familiar-looking box at his side.
I could have called security or the management company and had him escorted off the property since it was a private, gated complex, but I didn’t. Part of me didn’t want him to leave. In fact, my ego actually perked up a little at the knowledge that he was here for me. It wanted that, reveled in it.
Plus, today had been a good day at the office. I’d sold a beachfront condo and gained two new clients in the course of the afternoon through referrals, so my mood had lifted.
Cal pushed to his feet and picked up his things as I turned off the engine and opened the door, his strides toward me quick and purposeful. He approached me with the enormous flower arrangement in his arms as he balanced it with the box.
“Why are you still here?” I asked, hoping I sounded indifferent, when I was anything but. I was filled with feelings, with emotions that had no name.
“I waited. This is for you.” He handed me the box.
It was a dirty move, bringing me a pie from the diner when I was still so angry at him. Refusing to even look at it, I set it on the hood of my car.
“And these.” He handed me the bouquet of roses.
I reached for them but didn’t smell them, even though I wanted to bring them to my nose and breathe them in. I let them fall to my side as if they were the least interesting thing that had been given to me all day. Truth be told, they were ridiculously gorgeous, some of the biggest, deepest red roses I’d ever laid eyes on, but I refused to admit that. I refused a lot of things when it came to Cal right now.
“Thanks for these. So, why did you wait for me?”
I studied him, noting that his hazel eyes looked tired. My heart begged me to jump into his arms, to pull him upstairs and fall into him the way I had so easily in the beginning. But I had to fight against my stupid heart, because giving in to him without a single thought was what had gotten me into trouble in the first place.
Cal’s gaze burned into me. “I wanted to talk to you. I need to talk to you.”
I considered saying no, telling him to pound sand as I locked him out of my apartment and my life. But if I did, I’d only be putting off the inevitable. Cal had flown all the way here for a reason. I couldn’t imagine that he’d walk away so easily this time.
“So talk,” I said as I placed the roses on top of the pie box.
“Can I come up?”
I folded my arms across my chest
, refusing to move as I leaned back against my car. I couldn’t give him any ground. If I gave him an inch, I’d give in entirely, and I had to at least attempt to make him suffer for all the pain he’d caused me.
After all, the man had hurt me without reason. Disappeared without a trace. His silence had been so deafening, so soul-gutting in its loudness. His quiet had been louder than any words he’d ever spoken.
“No,” I said firmly. “We can talk right here.”
He shifted on his feet, clearly uncomfortable.
Good.
“Okay. We’ll talk here,” he said as he looked around.
I waited for him to say something, still half in disbelief that he was standing right in front of me after all this time. He looked so damn good and I hated him for that, but couldn’t really blame myself for thinking it. Being attracted to Cal had never been the issue.
“I fucked up, Jules. Worse than I’ve ever fucked up before.” His hand ran through his hair and my eyes were instantly drawn there, focused on the way the strands formed into messy spikes.
In that moment, I wanted answers more than anything. My need for them came rushing back despite the fact that I’d stuffed them away and tried to convince myself that they no longer mattered. Why not get closure if he was offering it?
“Just tell me why you did it,” I said. “Why’d you stop talking to me? Aren’t we too old for that type of shit?”
Cal spread his feet a little further apart and stuffed one hand firmly in his pocket. “I thought I was doing us both a favor,” he said with a deep sigh before looking me dead in the eyes.
“A favor?” I snorted out a disbelieving laugh. “What kind of favor could you possibly be doing for us?”
Oh, hell no. Not only was he confusing me, he was started to piss me off.
“I got scared, okay? We both knew that this thing between us was temporary.” He wagged a finger between us. “Hell, Jules, you even said once that you had no plans to move out of LA, and I said the same thing about Boston. So I started thinking about what the hell we were doing, or what the point was. Why was I falling in love with someone I could never have?”
