by J. Sterling
Katherine’s body filled with excruciating pain as she struggled to take in another breath. “You can’t leave me. You promised you’d never leave me.”
“I won’t ever leave you. I’ll always be around. But it’s not right for me to keep doing this to you.” His face twisted in pain. “I have to let you go before I ruin your life completely.”
“No!” she said forcefully. “No!” She screamed at him as her body shook with anger and fear and emotions she couldn’t begin to identify.
“Katherine, be reasonable, please.”
She threw herself down into the sand and pressed her hands against her face. Suddenly a realization hit her, and she looked up. “You can’t be the one to leave, Austen.”
“What are you saying?” He tilted his head as his blue eyes gazed into hers.
“If you’re the one who leaves me—if it’s your decision to end things, if you’re the one who walks away…” She took a breath and finished, “I’ll never get over you. I’ll never be okay. I’ll always be broken somehow. You have to understand that.”
He nodded slowly. “So, what’s your solution?”
“I have to be the one who ends it between us.” She knew Austen was right. She knew they had to stop doing this. “I just can’t do it tonight. Please don’t make me do it tonight.”
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy. Being on your timeline means I get more of you. But Katherine, this isn’t a joke. There has to be an end to this and if you stall for too long, I’ll have to be the one who leaves. Please remember that,” Austen urged.
It wasn’t a threat, but his words were like daggers in her already bludgeoned heart.
****
Katherine’s eyes opened and darkness had filled the room. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten anything; she’d been cramming for finals, despite mentally checking out weeks ago, and had taken her last test the day before. She hoped she’d passed it, but wasn’t sure.
She thought briefly about calling Cooper, but put her phone down before she dialed. What would she say to him? He probably hated her. She wouldn’t blame him if he did.
Taylor wasn’t there and Katherine assumed she was at Danny’s. Or maybe there was a hockey game? She couldn’t remember anymore. She reached for her laptop and looked up the hockey schedule online. They had a game, but it was already in the third period. If she hurried, she could still catch the end of it.
She fought with herself. Should she go confuse Cooper even more, or keep avoiding him? Taylor would be surprised to see her. But so would all the other girls. Katherine could just imagine the bombardment of questions. Where have you been? Are you and Cooper okay? Did you guys break up? Katherine wasn’t ready to face any of that.
She decided to pack for home instead. Katherine hadn’t been back since school started. She couldn’t wait to get back to California, to the sunshine. She’d missed that the most. Her mind drifted to all the other things she missed…the beaches, the comfort of her old bedroom, her old friends, and even her parents.
The door swung open and Taylor bounced in. She didn’t acknowledge Katherine as she headed to the bathroom to wash her face. The silent treatment didn’t last long. “Packing for home?”
“Yeah.” Katherine didn’t look up from her suitcase.
“Cooper asked me when you were leaving for the holidays.”
“What’d you tell him?” She stopped folding her shirt and looked in Taylor’s direction.
“I told him I knew you left on Friday, but I wasn’t sure what time.”
She continued folding. “I don’t want to see him.”
“I figured.” Taylor’s tone held a bit of an edge.
“It’s not what you think,” Katherine said.
“Then what is it?”
“I have so much to tell him. There’s so much I need to explain. I just can’t do it right now. I’m not ready.”
“When then? When it’s too late and you’ve lost him?”
Katherine was surprised at the sadness that filled her heart upon hearing those words. “I hope not.”
“How are you getting to the airport anyway?” Taylor shouted over the running water.
“The school has a shuttle for students. I’m taking that.”
“I hope you figure things out during break. I miss the old you.”
“That’s the plan.” Katherine hoped to come back refreshed, rejuvenated, and hopefully, a little more sane.
****
Friday morning, Katherine loaded her suitcase onto the shuttle and took a window seat in the back. She shivered in the early morning chill, and blew on her fingers to warm them. The engine roared to life and the shuttle rumbled under her feet. As they started to pull away, she noticed Cooper’s Jeep tearing into the parking lot. He had tried to catch her before she left, but he was too late.
A part of her was thankful she’d avoided the confrontation, yet another part was comforted to see he still cared. She searched the Jeep for his face. His green eyes caught hers through the shuttle window and locked on. He made a helpless gesture with his hand as he braked to a stop, and he fell back against the seat, defeated. Katherine turned her head and looked away.
Chapter Thirteen
Passengers plodded ahead of her, heavily laden with bags or pulling roller suitcases, as Katherine walked off the plane and headed toward baggage claim. She followed the signs while she typed out a text to her dad, letting him know she’d arrived. When she got downstairs, she picked his face out of the crowd immediately and her eyes started to well up. She hadn’t realized just how much she’d missed her dad until she saw him standing there. His eyes looked tired, but then his face lit up with his big, happy smile.
Katherine walked over to him and dove into his arms. “Hi, Daddy.”
He gave her a big hug and spoke into her hair. “Hey, kiddo. How was your flight?”
“Uneventful. And long.” She yawned.
“You hungry?” he asked.
“Starved.”
Her dad gave her another squeeze. “It’s good to have you home.”
“Thanks, Dad. Where’s Mom?” She smiled at him.
“At home, making your favorite dinner.”
“Yes!” Katherine said with a fist pump.
Katherine’s cell phone vibrated in her pocket. It was a text message from Cooper. “Hope you had a safe flight. I really miss you, California.” She took a deep breath and felt her eyes well up slightly.
“Everything okay, kiddo,” her dad asked when he noticed her reaction. “Who was that?”
“Just a guy I’m kind of dating. It’s no big deal, I’m fine.” She forced a smile and texted Cooper back. “I’m here safe & sound. I miss you too.” She wrote him those words because she meant them. But at this point, it still didn’t change anything.
“A guy? Who is he?” Her dad grabbed the oversized brown suitcase from baggage claim and they headed out the automatic glass doors toward the car.
“His name’s Cooper. He’s a big-shot hockey player.”
“Hockey player, huh? Is he nice? Smart?”
“Yes, Dad. He’s all of those things. You’d love him.”
“What’s the problem then?”
Katherine stumbled a little with surprise. “What?”
“Come on, kid. I know you better than that. What’s wrong with him?”
Katherine looked at her dad and laughed. “There’s nothing wrong with him, Dad. It’s me.”
“Well, what’s wrong with you, then?” He gave her a confused look and stopped behind a small white Lexus. He tossed her suitcase in the trunk and hopped into the driver’s seat.
She climbed into the passenger seat and fastened her seat belt. “Nothing. I’m just not sure what I want.”
“Well, you’ll figure it out, honey.” He smiled at her before he directed the car’s phone system to call home.
“Hello?” A woman’s voice asked pleasantly.
“Hi, hon. We’re on our way,” he said cheeri
ly.
“Great! See you guys soon. Hi, Katherine!”
“Hi, Mom!” Her mom’s voice sounded so excited, it made Katherine smile.
She looked around from the passenger seat, taking in everything she’d missed since being away. When she saw the familiar palm tree-lined streets of her childhood, she smiled.
When they rounded the corner, she saw her house down the street on the left and felt her heart lift a little. The light blue one-story bungalow with the weathered white trim sat a mere three blocks from the beach. Colorful blossoms spilled over in the front yard’s flower beds, making Katherine realize how dreary and colorless winter could be on the East Coast.
Her father pulled into the small driveway that led to a one-car garage behind the house. Katherine hopped out and noticed all the additions to the backyard. “The yard looks so nice, Dad.”
“Kat?” She heard her mother’s voice excitedly say her name as she ran out of the back door and smiled.
“Hi, Mom.” Katherine met her mom with a big hug. “I love the new fountain! And the yard looks so pretty.”
“It does look nice, doesn’t it? Finally got my fountain.” She winked at her only daughter.
The yard had been transformed into a sanctuary. A three-tiered fountain stood in the middle of the backyard courtyard, surrounded by light gray patio stones. A wood table painted a crisp white sat in the center, flanked by three oversized chairs with brightly colored cushions. Large white candles rested inside mason jars hung from the roof slats of the white gazebo, its openness defining the small space without confining it. Bright ceramic pots held flowering trailing vines, that her mother was obviously training to climb the airy latticed walls.
“It’s so peaceful.” Katherine closed her eyes and inhaled as she imagined spending all her time there.
The three walked into the kitchen through the back door and were immediately greeted with the aroma of Italian spices. The smell reminded her of Dom’s restaurant, and she realized that her mom had prepared her favorite meal for her. “It smells amazing, Mom. Thank you.”
Her mom grinned, obviously pleased that she’d noticed. “Of course.”
Katherine made her way toward her room at the back of the house. She tossed her suitcase on the bed without turning on the light and walked back to the kitchen to help set the table. Her mom placed the manicotti, salad, and homemade garlic bread onto the center of the table as she placed a plate and silverware at each seat.
“How’s school? You look tired,” her mom said.
“It’s great. And yeah, it’s been exhausting lately.”
“How’s Taylor? You haven’t said much about her lately when we’ve talked on the phone.”
Katherine looked away at the mention of her roommate’s name. “She’s awesome.” She made a mental note to text Taylor once she was done with dinner. Despite the recent tension between them, she missed her friend already, even though she’d only been gone a day.
“And Cooper? Are you two still seeing each other?” her mom asked.
Katherine’s dad looked up from his plate and whined playfully, “You knew about this guy? No one tells me anything.”
“Awww, Dad.” She got up and gave him a quick squeeze before she sat back in her chair. “Kind of. It’s hard to explain.” The last thing Katherine wanted to do was try to explain Austen to her parents. Mostly, she didn’t want them to worry, but she also knew they wouldn’t understand.
“Well, what happened? Did you two have a fight?” she asked and Katherine sighed. Her mom always saw things in black and white, as if life weren’t filled with shades of gray.
“No. It’s nothing like that. I’m just not sure how I feel about him,” she said as she shrugged her shoulders.
Her mom stopped eating and pinned her with a speculative look. “You’ve always been extremely picky, Katherine. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t live up to your expectations.”
“It’s not like that, Mom. Jeez.” She’d only been home for five minutes and found herself chafing with irritation. Her mother meant well, she knew that, but wished that for once she could relate to what Katherine felt or thought without criticism.
“Oh, Kat, I don’t think Mom was trying to upset you,” her dad said as he tried to keep the peace.
“I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean anything by it. I just thought you really liked him.”
“I do.” Katherine really wanted to stop talking about Cooper Donovan. She had to deal with pressure about Cooper at school; the last thing she wanted was to have these conversations at home.
Her parents exchanged a private glance. “What?” Try as she might, Katherine couldn’t keep her annoyance from spilling over into her tone.
“Nothing, sweetie. We just don’t always know why you make the decisions you do is all,” her mom said carefully.
Katherine’s emotions swirled inside her, irritation mixing with frustration and guilt, all rolled up with an unhealthy dose of self-defense. “Why do you always have to psychoanalyze me? Why can’t I do things because I want to? I’m not you!” she shouted, pushing away from the table and running into her bedroom.
She slammed the door behind her and leaned against it for a moment, breathing heavily as she struggled to rein in her emotions. When her breathing had slowed and the anger had abated, she looked around with contentment at her bedroom, basking in the familiarity and calmness of the room that looked like a photo spread from Coastal Living Magazine.
The walls were painted a shade of blue reminiscent of a Caribbean ocean, and the crown and base moldings were painted white. Her carpet was the color of sand and she liked the way it felt on her bare feet. The dresser, nightstand, and bed frame all matched in weathered white wood, the patina reminiscent of driftwood. A large mirror was nearly obscured by all the movie stubs and pictures of Katherine with her high school friends, anchored with their corners stuck between the glass and the frame. Photographs she had taken were displayed in various frames, artfully hung in tasteful groupings along her walls.
She sat on her bed and sent Taylor a text. “I miss you. I’m sorry for everything lately. I’m going to try to get better.”
Less than a minute later, she got a response. “I miss you too. Come back normal, K? Thanks. LOL.” Katherine laughed when she read it and set her phone aside.
The time difference quickly caught up with her and before she knew it, she caught herself nodding off. Katherine rallied enough to go downstairs and tell her parents she was sorry and good night, then headed back up to her room to get ready for bed.
****
Katherine sat on the bench and traced with her finger a heart carved into the wood. Austen was standing down the beach a ways, but turned around when he sensed her presence and jogged in her direction, his face breaking into a wide smile. He took her by the hands and pulled her off the bench and into his embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around her in a welcoming hug.
After a moment, he pulled back from her slightly and looked down at her lips before slowly leaning toward her, and pressed his lips to hers. He tasted salty, like the ocean air that whipped around them, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer, feeling her pulse race as he kissed her passionately, his tongue dancing against hers. She could feel the pounding of his heart against her chest as he breathed into her, each flick of his tongue sending chills racing through her. She threaded her fingers through the sandy brown hair that curled softly at the base of his neck, and then ran her hands down his muscular shoulders. The feel of his muscles against her fingertips caused her knees to tremble.
“Austen, I’m never going to be able to tell you good-bye if you keep kissing me like that.”
He smiled at her and she couldn’t help but smile back. “I’m sure you’ll find a way. Happy to be home?”
“It’s nice. But it’s also nice not being here, you know?”
“Sure.”
Katherine was aware that—even in her dream state—she needed to get her life in
order. There was no way she could go back to school the same way she left. Her life was falling apart around her, and as painful as it was, she knew she had to find a way to let him go.
“What’s the matter?” he asked as though he could sense her distraction.
“I’m just thinking about how we’re supposed to be letting each other go. But the idea of not being with you seems wrong. Why would I want to purposely cause myself that much pain?”
“We don’t have to do it today, or tomorrow.” He leaned in and kissed the tip of her nose. “But the time will come.”
“How can you be so calm? How are you totally okay with not being with me?” Whenever she thought about not being with Austen, she could barely function.
“Not being with you is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. But I’ll always do what’s best for you, Katherine. Even if it’s not what I want. Even if it hurts me so deeply I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over it.” He lifted his hand and gently pushed a wayward strand of hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear. “I’ll do what is best for you and your life, no matter what the consequences are for me.”
“Don’t we have any other options?” she asked, longing for compromise. “Isn’t there anything else we can do? Why does it have to be all or nothing?” Her bottom lip trembled at the unfairness of it all and she pressed her lips into a firm line, not wanting him to how close she was to crying.
“Saying good-bye is the only option. It’s the only way,” Austen said firmly, his voice unwavering.
Her heart filled with sorrow as he tilted her mouth gently up to his to kiss her.
“I love you,” she whispered against his cheek.
Austen hugged her fiercely, one brief, tight squeeze, and then took a step back. “And I love you.” He smiled wistfully at her and…
****
…she opened her eyes. She sat up in bed and held on to her covers tightly.
There was a quick knock on her parents’ front door and then she heard it open and slam shut. “I’m here!” a voice called out cheerfully. “Where are you?”
“Soph? I’m in my room.” Katherine sat up with a yawn, running her hands through her hair as her best friend and neighbor since childhood burst into her bedroom.
