by Anne Eliot
She frowned. “Sounds like you were so alone.”
“Yeah. But stubborn, too. I should have tried to talk to my mom. Tell her how I was feeling. Admit I’d screwed up and taken a bunch of her medications. But instead, I drank all that wine. I just wanted to sleep. That’s how mom handles life when it freaks her out, so I thought I’d give it a shot. But of course I couldn’t sleep. And, somehow, I ended up cutting myself.”
Nan frowned. “I can’t believe you went so far. Your scars are so huge.”
He wiped at his eyes. “I know. But not deep. Scratches mostly." He gasped, and paused. "Shit. I was worried unloading all this would make me cry. I hate crying.” He sniffed back some tears.
Aunt Nan put her arm around him. “I was so happy when I found out the wounds you’d inflicted weren’t serious, that you had stopped.”
“Yes I stopped. Barry, all of you, see what I did as this suicide attempt. But I didn’t want to die. I only wanted my mom to hear me. To come find me. To see that I was sad. To help me, I guess. But I just didn’t have it in me to tell her what I needed. And fine, I get now that she couldn’t read my mind.” He wiped his eyes again. “But I didn’t get it then. I’m so mad at myself. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t just tell her? That I didn’t have the capacity to ask her for anything.”
“No one likes to ask for help. You aren’t alone in that.”
He shout her a grateful smile. “I’ve learned the hard way that it’s important, hell, even if you have to beg.”
She went on, “You need to forgive yourself. Admit the life you were living was not normal. You were so isolated. Sounds like you didn’t have any other friends to call. Or anyone around you that would take the time to notice how sad you were. I can only imagine the insensitive response your agent would have given if you’d told him.” She snorted, rolling her eyes.
Hunter blinked. “You know Martin?”
“Your mom tells me about him.” She looked away.
“Martin would have thought I was whining, you're right. But it’s hard not to blame myself. I know after living here, I was beyond lonely back at home. That’s for sure. I sat in that kitchen so long, all by myself. I just stared at my own blood all drunk and stupid knowing the whole time I’d made yet another epic mistake. But I’d made so many. Instead of dealing with it like I should have, I wrapped up my arms in kitchen towels, and then I cried until the wine took over. I fell asleep there like that.” Dustin pulled in a shaky breath, his heart feeling heavy but lighter than it had in a long time.
“Oh.” Aunt Nan swallowed, smoothing the bed cover under her hands. “I think this is going to make me cry again right now.”
He moved out of his chair and sat next to her on the bed to give her a quick hug. “Don’t you dare. Please. I won’t be able to take you through the rest of this story. And I want to. I need to finish.”
She nodded and took in a deep breath, obviously trying to keep it together.
He kept his voice light, hoping she wouldn’t blow. He rushed to finish, wanting to make her understand he, things, were different now. “Do you get what I’m saying about all of it? I didn’t mean it. Dying is the last thing on my mind. But—I have to come to terms with the fact that for one night—I danced with the idea of killing myself. And way too closely.”
“Yes. You did.” She sniffed. “You scared us all so much.”
His heart twisted, and tears threatened to drown him in a waterfall.
“Aunt Nan, please believe me. I can tell you I will never go that route again. It scared the hell out of me too.”
She let out a deep breath that sounded relieved. “Are you sure? How do you know?”
“I’ve at least learned that I have the power to control my own energy. You know, turn it back around when it gets too dark?”
She nodded. “I don't understand.”
“Before, I didn’t know I could be this strong. I kept waiting for others to ‘make’ me happy. Waiting for things I bought to bring happiness. Although, I swear my Porsche did make me happy for awhile.” He shot Nan a sheepish grin. “Sort of...”
“So happy you decided to wreck it?”
“Hell yeah. Because on that day, I felt betrayed by my own car. Like...how dare that awesome vehicle not be ABLE to make me happy! At least, now I understand I was simply a victim of marketing. Only I can make myself happy.”
Aunt Nan grimaced. “I’m supposed to be extra-dancing-around right now, according to the fresh-smelling laundry soap I use. But so far, these feet haven’t even started tapping.”
He smiled, happy she seemed to get what he was saying. “I had no clue how much I was trying to pull my happiness off all the wrong sources. For me, when I’m sad it’s usually because I’m off focus. I’m letting others have my power. Now, I think about doing the best I can. Does this make any sense? I can’t control others, but I can control myself and what I produce--what I allow inside.”
He tapped his head. “When I go home, no one is going to boss me around anymore, either. Not unless I want to be bossed. I’m going to live life on my terms. Only do, wear, sing, and be what makes me proud. Only hang out with people who are there truly for me. I definitely wasn’t doing that. I was Mom and Martin’s puppet. I know that was part of why I got so sad. I’m done with saying ‘yes’ all the time.”
She nodded. “Well good.”
“Since I’ve been Dustin, I’ve learned if I want to stay up—happy—it's on me. It’s not always easy to do—especially when I'm stuck living life as a mega-dork. Falconer tried to teach me that, but living here has showed me it’s completely true. I feel bad about what I did, but despite the oceans of crap I still need to clean up and deal with, I’m happy with myself now. I'm ready to move on and make things right.”
She stood along with him and hugged him tight. “I'm glad you told me all this. I like knowing you're okay.”
He hugged her back and stepped away. “I am. Would you please tell my mom this information? I’m ready to get back to work. I’m lost here doing crazy things instead of doing what I love. Things that mean nothing! Things that are wasting my time!”
“Are you sure about that? You seem to be enjoying a lot here.”
“Aunt Nan! I have to go to a required appointment with a college counselor next week. College. Me?”
Nan’s eyes widened. “Have you thought about it?”
“Why would I need to go there? I have a paying job already.”
“I don’t know. You can be one of the lucky ones. Go to college because you want to learn? Maybe there are other things you long to explore besides the entertainment industry. College is a blast. Even more fun than high school.”
“There is no way high school is fun,” he lied. “It’s an odd form of torture from what I’ve seen.”
“Why can’t you let go for awhile and try to just enjoy the experience. Spend the year here like your mom wants. Stop fighting so hard to go home.”
Dustin looked at her and blinked. “Look. I love you. But you have to know as soon as I have my ticket, I’m out. I don’t want to enjoy any of this! I just want to be free. This is my whole life on hold. There's no way I mean to spend the whole school year here!”
“You need to call your mom. She should have talked to you about her plans and ideas around you staying here. There’s a lot more to this that you don’t understand. Go through the letter your mom sent for you to read, at least.”
He marched over and took the his mom’s letter out of the drawer and handed it to Aunt Nan. “She needs to come here and say it to my face. I refuse to read this unless she and I are in the same residence. Maybe that will get her to send for me.”
Aunt Nan took the envelope. “I’ll tell her.”
He walked back to the window and saw Vere’s white VW parked in front of the house. “It won’t be long now. They will start missing the money soon. Either she or Martin will have to get me out of here. Simple as that. Only from now on, I’ll let them do the work.”
> She shook her head.
“Aunt Nan, I’m out. Vere’s been waiting this whole time. Thanks for listening.”
**
As he made it through his doorway he froze, completely taken by surprise. Vere was leaning against the wall just outside his door, gasping for air. She had her arms around a giant, lumpy, newspaper-wrapped package with a floppy bow made out of orange knitted yarn on top.
She looked straight at him and shook her head. Her eyes were luminous, huge, and weighted with tears.
His stomach knotted. He realized she wasn’t gasping for air, she was full-on crying, and he knew why.
Hell.
“Did you hear all of it?” His voice had come out clipped.
“Yes.” She sobbed. “All of it.”
He felt as if he’d been punched. He held his breath, just in case. He was desperately afraid breathing would hurt worse than ever right now, and he didn’t want to associate that feeling with Vere.
Not her. Not ever.
“I’m sorry.” Her words came out in a sniffling rush. Her face had long since flooded with color. “I...waited outside. And when you didn’t come out, I thought I’d dash up. The front door was open. I have a present—for you. It’s a thank-you present. For all you’ve done to help me. You know, for the BGF stuff.” Tears had started streaming down her face and her voice shook, but she kept on, “Charlie lent me the money for half. We drove up together to the antique shop and back. Got it on Sunday. You still need an amp.” She gasped. “He thought it was a good idea too. Now that we’re all friends. And now that I’m practically, totally...cured. We think you need to have this.”
Tears poured unchecked like a river now.
He didn’t move or answer. He couldn’t.
Vere whispered through her tears. “I know you said you didn’t want it, but I also know you were lying. You’ll have to fix it up—oh, jeez. Take it.”
She lurched forward and shoved the package into his arms just as Aunt Nan stepped into the hallway.
Aunt Nan gave Vere a sad, little smile. “More secrets to add to your mix, Vere. Can you manage to keep track of one more? It’s a lot to ask. Even your parents don’t know this private stuff.”
Vere wiped the back of her hand against her nose and sniffled loudly. “Yes. Of course. I won’t, I wouldn’t.” She shot him a desperate glance. “I’d never tell. I understand. I’m sorry about what I did. About what you did to yourself.” Her eyes closed for a quick second.
Dustin used that moment to finally manage a deep and thankfully, painless breath.
When Vere reopened her eyes, the tears were still pouring out, but she looked right at him for a second before her face flushed a second time. She didn’t glance away, instead she continued, her gaze tangling with his as her voice reached a frantic pitch. “Nan. Dustin. Please. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop—but then I couldn’t stop listening.”
She shifted back and forth from foot to foot, unable to do her usual pacing thing in the tight hallway.
“It was terrible of me. I don’t know why. I just stood here. I can’t believe what you’ve been through.” Her eyes met his. “We’re all a bunch of kindergartners compared to you, aren’t we?” She took a long shaky breath and shook her head, her expression had turned almost accusatory. “You—you’ve been so generous. All this time, helping me work on my lame, puny problems. I’m such a selfish baby. I can’t believe how I’ve been acting with you about my stupid crush. Like it was the most epic, important thing in the whole world. While all this time—all this time—you’ve had all this on your mind?” She flung her arms wide.
“Vere. It’s okay,” he started.
She rushed on, “I’m sorry if you didn’t want me to know. And now—” She broke out into a round of rocking sobs. “Now I do know. I know. And that’s that. I can’t take what I did back. I can’t stop hearing your story in my head. I totally, totally, totally, eavesdropped and I’m so—”
“Stop. Stop!” he said, glancing at his aunt.
Vere sucked in a breath and stopped talking.
But not crying.
“Vere. It’s okay. It’s not the end of the world,” Nan added.
His chest constricted, watching the tears roll down her face. He knew she needed help when she got all worked up. He now felt guilty for not stepping in sooner. She was now two thousand times worse than she’d been up at the cabin that first weekend. He was so moved by her tears, he was having a hard time functioning too. He had to make her stop crying. Make her feel better. Before she blacked out or something.
And she thinks she’s cured?
Girl couldn’t be more tragically, bright-red, adorable right now.
“Vere. I’m not mad,” he started up loudly over her ragged breathing and sobbing. “It’s actually a relief that you know everything. I’m the sorry one.”
“What?” she gasped out.
“Don’t you see? I’m sorry that now, in your eyes—” He paused, almost losing himself in the wide brown depths of her pure empathy before continuing in a much softer voice, “I hate that you will think I’m way more messed up than you thought I was yesterday.”
She gasped. “I heard what you said. You aren’t messed up at all. If anything, you sound more evolved and okay than anyone I know. You’re ready to go on talk shows, and speak to kids at high schools!”
He shook his head. “Not even close.”
Vere wiped her now puffy eyes and wet cheeks with her sleeve as she went on, “If it makes you feel better, I don’t think you’re some sort of spoiled, party-boy any more. That’s what I thought about you yesterday. I actually respect you now,” she finished with a double snuffle.
Her body shook as it took in more air.
She shot him a guilty glance. “Um. No. Wait!”
Was there an end to her cuteness?
“Waiting.”
“I respected you some yesterday too, okay? I’m just upset...so I’m talking crazy. You know how I am....” She wiped her face against her shoulder.
Nope. Definitely no end to it.
“Yes. I know how you are.” A small chuckle escaped, and he let himself breathe fully. His lungs filled with a heady mix of flowers, saltwater and her.
He had the urge to take her face into his hands and wipe away the tears still threatening to pour out of her eyes. He was also desperate to plant a kiss on each of her ruby-red cheeks, and then her lips.
Luckily, the giant package in his arms saved him from making a fool out of himself in front of her and his Aunt Nan.
The fact that she’d brought him a present—this present!
Damn, how she knows me. And damn how I love her for it.
Way too much.
It was enough to almost undo him into another round of awkward tears himself. He tried to yank his mind and his heart back from her, gaining control with a long sigh.
Teasing is in order here.
Better to have her spitting mad than looking so deeply into my eyes right now.
And if she doesn’t stop chewing that damn upper lip...
“Now you’ll stop bugging me about the long sleeves on my shirts. You know? Even when it’s hot?” He smiled.
She locked gazes with him and gasped.
She seemed to pull him directly into her soul, and then snapped him back out like a rubber band. She burst into a new flood of sobbing, and tore down the stairs not once looking back.
Her sobs grew louder the farther away she ran.
The front door slammed and the VW started up outside.
He could hear her drive exactly one house over, cut the engine, slam her car door, and do the same with her own front door.
Sobbing the entire time.
He looked helplessly at Aunt Nan, who didn’t seem to be shocked by Vere’s hasty retreat. “Any tips on what grown men do in this situation?”
She shrugged and gave him a small smile. “Wait for her to come back. She will. In the meantime, open that thing.” She gestured toward the lumpy pac
kage in his hands. “I’m dying of curiosity.”
“I don’t have to. I know what it is.” His heart raced and filled up with an unexplainable feeling of gratitude and excitement. He tested the weight and gentle curves of Vere’s badly wrapped present.
“It’s a guitar. She’s bought me an amazing, old guitar.”
28: more favors and WTF?
Dustin
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: WTF? Where are you?
Martin: There better be a good excuse for this zero-communication bull. To be fair, I thought I’d tell you this will be my last email. This time, for real.
WHY? 1. I’m pissed, and, 2. I have midterms on the horizon.
GET IT BASTARD?
MIDTERMS means I’ve been here too long.
If you want me, show up or call me directly because I’m DONE checking my cell phone like your little slave.
If you care, I’ve got a new song worked out. Been practicing my ass off up here on an old guitar while hiding in my room.
I think it’s time GuardeRobe branched out into the love song arena. Working in A Minor. Would send you the chords if you didn’t suck so much. I’m thinking slow. Adding cello.
Major love ballad. I’LL TRADE YOU THIS SONG FOR MY LIFE BACK IN ORDER. You know you want it.
Cheers back, you ass. WTF?
DUSTIN (about to lose my shit) McHELPMe
**
“You. Dork Boy.”
Dustin pulled out of his locker, startled to find his back surrounded by semi-hostile football players.
Charlie stepped forward and tossed his friends an easy grin as he moved up to slam Dustin’s locker shut.
Hard.
Curtis Wishford stepped forward as though to join Charlie, but Charlie tossed him some silent command executed by pushing his chin toward the ceiling in what Dustin had dubbed the universal, Palmer Ridge High, jock salute.
“I’ll catch you dudes later,” Charlie said and looked pointedly at his pack of friends. “I need a word with Vere’s pet.”
