Chasing Logan

by Tracy Lorraine

  “Morning.”

  “Where’s Chase, in the shower?” she asks presuming he must be still here.

  How wrong is she?

  “I’ve no idea, when I woke up he’d gone.” So had all his clothes and the notebook. The only thing left behind that proved his visit was the used condom on the floor that I have since tidied up.

  “Oh,” Bella responds looking confused. “What happened?”

  “His sister died, Mia’s mum.”

  “Oh shit.”

  “She’s had cancer before but it came back. They weren’t expecting her to go yet. It’s so sad, poor Mia.”

  “That explains his behaviour then. How come he came on tour if she was that ill?” Bella asks the question that Logan is scared of being asked.

  “His sister was adamant that life goes on and that he didn’t put his career on hold because of her. He feels really guilty though.”

  “That’s really shit.”

  We head down for breakfast a while later and I’m not surprised when Victoria shows up looking a little harassed.

  “Everyone, can I have your attention,” she calls out to the room. “I’m sorry to have to say this but the next weeks worth of shows are going to have to be postponed, Chase has had a family bereavement and of course he needs to be with them. The dates will be tagged on to the end of the tour. In the mean time though I suggest you all get yourselves home for some rest before we start again.” She continues to talk about where the next show will be and about transport arrangements for everyone but I stop listening as I think about Logan and his family and what they are going through. I wish I could be there for him but it’s impossible for a number of reasons.

  We’ve been home two days and I hate that I have no idea how he is or how he’s coping with everything that must be going on. I’m making breakfast when I hear my phone go off on the side. I wash my hands then go over to look. When I see a number I don’t know the curiosity gets the better of me.

  Cole, it’s Mia. Uncle Lo needs you, please come

  “What the fuck?”

  “What’s wrong?” Bella asks.

  “Sorry, I didn’t realise I said that out loud. Look,” I say handing her my phone.

  It goes off again in her hand, “she’s just sent his address and his parents address.”

  “Going is a really bad idea, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, probably. Me saying that isn’t going to stop you though, is it?” I look up at her trying to work out what to do but she continues talking. “Don’t even try to give me that face like you’re considering not going. I know you better than that, Cole, you need to go to him.”

  “Fine,” I mutter a little annoyed that she does know me so well.

  “Go get dressed and we’ll head off.”

  “You’re coming with me?”

  “Yeah, I don’t think it’s a good idea to send you alone. Plus having a female turn up as well might help with the whole Chase isn’t gay thing.”

  To be fair she has a good point there. I mean Logan’s family must have their suspicions, he’s twenty-eight for fuck sake, they can’t be that blind.

  “I need to tell you something,” I say to Bella when we’re only ten minutes from Logan’s house according to the sat nav.

  “Okay?”

  “Chase’s name isn’t actually Chase.” I didn’t tell her before because he’s chosen to tell me, let him in on that bit of his hidden life, I didn’t feel it was my place to tell her. But now we’re potentially about to meet his family and if they’re going to think Bella and Logan actually are friends then she should probably know his real name.

  “Well, what is it then?”

  “Logan. Logan Chase.”

  “Ah, hence Uncle Lo, that makes sense.”

  “Yeah, apparently it’s only his family that call him it.”

  “And he told you to call him it?” Bella asks obviously having the same thought that I did.

  “Yep,” I say sounding prouder about it than I probably should.

  “Wow, I was not expecting something like this,” Bella says when we pull up in front of a cute little tutor style house with beams and everything. “Chase lives here?”

  “This is the address Mia sent,” I confirm. “It’s not what I was expecting either.”

  It’s taken us almost an hour to get from Reading to the outskirts of Newbury, where Logan lives. The entire journey, I was trying to imagine what kind of house he might live in. I was thinking something modern and sleek. At no point did I think it would be an old cottage. Apparently there is a lot about Logan Chase that I don’t know.

  I pull my car up on to his drive but the lack of car is pointing to him not being in. I’m going to check though.

  I leave Bella sat in the passenger seat and head towards the front door. I can’t help but peek in through the window while I’m stood waiting to see if anyone is going to answer. The inside is much more like I was expecting, it has obviously been renovated recently. It’s all clean lines and minimal with just a hint of colour thrown in to warm it up a bit.

  As predicted no one answers so I jump back in the car.

  “Better try his parents then I guess,” I say reluctantly to Bella.

  I know Mia said to come but I have absolutely no idea how Logan is going to take us turning up like this, but I guess we’re about to find out because only minutes later we are pulling up outside a house that already looks to have a number of cars parked out the front.

  “Are you sure about this?” Bella asks when I kill the engine.

  “No. I just hope Mia is right and he’s going to take us being here okay.”

  “Me too. We’re not going to find out in here though, come on.”

  We’re stood on the doorstep having just rang the bell and I’m now shitting it that I’ve made the wrong decision.

  “It’s okay, I’ll get it,” I hear Mia shout and I breath a sigh of relief that she’s going to answer the door to us.

  “You came,” she squeals when she cracks the door open. As soon as it’s fully open she throws herself at me. I have to take a step back to steady myself.

  When she lets go and steps back it’s clear she’s been crying and she doesn’t look as perky as the last time I saw her a few days ago.

  “How are you doing?”

  “I’ve been better but it’s been a long time coming so I’ve had time to prepare. I wasn’t in denial about the whole thing like Uncle Lo.” I have to remind myself that Mia is only a child because she sounds so grown up talking like this about something so serious. “He’s barely said anything since he came back. My dad had to practically drag him here to be with my grandparents. He’s always been sad, we both know why, but I can’t cope with him like this. I just hoped seeing you would make it better, you know?”

  “I hope you’re right and this doesn’t back fire hugely.”

  “I’m right,” she says confidently.

  “Uncle Lo,” Mia shouts so loudly it makes me wince. “You’ve got visitors.”

  The wait for him to appear is pretty painful, thoughts of him turning us away roll around my head as much as I will them to go away.

  When he walks through the doorway I can’t believe my eyes. His usually shaggy hair is even worse than usual and he is almost sporting a whole beard instead of his usual scruff where he hasn’t bothered doing anything to himself since he came home. The way he’s standing screams broken man and all I want to do is run over and pull him to me. It’s physically painful to keep myself where I am.

  Eventually he looks up and the pain in his eyes makes my breath catch. They are dark and tired, like he hasn’t slept for days.

  “Cole,” he says quietly, “what are you doing here?” He seems completely disorientated from the way he speaks and looks at us like we each have three heads.

  “I invited him. I thought he might help.”

  It takes a good few seconds but I see the realisation of what Mia just said filter into Logan’s brain.

  “
Wha-what are you talking about, sweetheart?”

  “Uncle Lo, I know, okay. I have done for a long time. I just want you to be happy so I may or may not have pinched your phone and found Cole’s number so he could be here.”

  Logan’s chin drops open and if the whole situation wasn’t because of something so sad, I would laugh at the look on his face. Total disbelief and utter shock.

  “Come here,” Logan says and opens his arms out to Mia. She immediately steps forward into him. They both have tears running down their faces when they pull apart. It seriously chokes me up. I don’t miss Bella wiping her eye either.

  “Mia,” he says in a warning tone but she must sense what he is going to say because she finishes his sentence for him.

  “No one knows, it’s a secret, I know. I won’t say anything, Uncle Lo. I do think you should though because…”

  “Okay,” Logan says putting a stop to whatever word vomit is about to fall from Mia’s mouth about the situation. “One day, okay sweetheart, one day.”

  “Are you going to invite them in?” Mia asks Logan.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  It turned out that it was just Logan’s parents, his brother in law, Drew, and Mia that were at the house. I got the impression from the cars outside that there was going to be a houseful. They were so warm and welcoming to Bella and me when we barged in during their terrible time. Logan’s mum, Diane, took an instant liking to me and she was thrilled we turned up to support Logan. I can only presume that he hasn’t had many close friends around over the years because she was very excited to see us.

  “Cole, come and help me with the tea, honey,” Diane says after we’ve been sat about telling Logan’s family what it’s really like being on tour, apparently Logan had refused to talk about it since being back. Everyone seemed to really appreciate talking about something other than cancer and death, and I was more than happy to distract them for a while.

  “Sure.”

  “Thank you for coming. He’s smiled for the first time since he got back when you turned up.”

  “It’s nothing, we just wanted to make sure he was okay.”

  “Oh, Bella’s lovely, don’t get me wrong, but it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you,” she says quietly.

  I try to look confused by what she’s saying but I’m not sure I do a very good job.

  “Cole, don’t look at me like I’m an idiot,” she chastises and I feel like I’m a little boy again being told off, although I’m pretty sure it won’t be as painful as what I remember. “Any mother worth her toffee knows everything there is to know about her kids. No he’s never told me about…that part of his life, but I’ve always known. He’s my boy, how could I not know, not see it?”

  I honestly have no idea. I haven’t experienced that type of mother before. The only thing my mum saw was my dad’s best friend before they ran away together, never to be seen again. The only other mother experience I’ve had is with Bella’s and she wouldn’t have won mother of the year either.

  I smile to myself when I think about how Logan thinks he has everyone fooled, but in reality they are just waiting for him to have the courage to tell them all what they already know.

  “I know he’s scared of what Keith will think but he’s his dad, he will love and accept him regardless. Yes Keith can be a little opinionated about his views but most of it is hot air, he loves the sound of his own voice, my husband.”

  When we return to the living room Keith is just at the punch line of a pretty homophobic joke. He’s the only one that laughs, not that he notices. Everyone else has a painful expression on their faces. I can only presume that if Annie knew about Logan being gay then Drew does too. From the things I’ve heard they seemed really close.

  “That’s enough, Keith,” Diane snaps looking mortified by his actions.

  I can understand Logan’s reluctance to reveal who he really is, especially with his dad’s views, hot air or not. But no matter the consequence surely he’ll be happier being able to be himself and not hide a huge part of his life.

  Logan mostly sits on the sofa next to me in complete silence. He mutters his agreement every now and then to whatever conversation is going on but he’s not really here. No one else seems to notice his despondence. Well apart from Mia, she’s been sat between us and curled into his side the whole time we’ve been here. She knows what he’s going through, she can see the same emptiness in his eyes that I can.

  Mia fell asleep about ten minutes ago, not that anyone other than Logan and me have noticed. Diane is now fluttering around worrying about what she’s going to do for dinner to feed everyone. Keith’s eyes are glued to Final Score watching the football results come in. He hasn’t muttered a word for at least thirty minutes. Bella and Drew are the only ones that are talking. They are sat on the opposite sofa to us and they haven’t stopped for breath almost since Bella sat down. It’s weird to see her talking so freely to a guy that isn’t me. She’s usually so closed off and cold with them, thanks to the knob heads of her past. I can only presume the fact that the guy’s wife just died means she doesn’t see him as a threat.

  I continue watching them chat and laugh together and it reminds me of how badly I want to see Bella meet someone and settle down. She is an amazing person and deserves the love of a good man. It’s going to take someone extraordinary though to conquer her fears of men.

  Bella throws her head back in laughter and I watch as Drew laughs along and touches her knee briefly. When Bella looks back down their eye contact holds for a flash before he continues saying something.

  I’m not sure how I feel about what I’m watching. I mean the dude’s wife just died and here is he looking like he’s flirting with Bella. I have no idea what he’s going through though and I wasn’t there to experience it so I guess I can’t really say what is right or wrong in this situation. He might just be enjoying the company of someone who doesn’t just talk about the misery he’s been through. I can’t really blame him for that.

  “Drew, you should take Mia home. She’s exhausted,” Logan snaps.

  Okay so maybe I wasn’t the only one to notice the possible flirting going on across the room.

  “No, I want to stay here,” Mia mutters quietly as she clings on to Logan harder.

  “You need to go home to get some proper sleep sweetheart,” Logan says as he strokes her hair.

  She lets out a huge breath, which I presume is her agreeing.

  After we say our goodbyes to Drew and Mia, Logan announces that he is also leaving. Diane’s face drops. Poor woman has just spent the last hour trying to cobble something together to feed us all and now everyone’s leaving.

  “Have dinner first,” I say, trying to fight for Diane but I can see by the look in Logan’s eyes that his mind isn’t going to be changed.

  “You two coming?” he asks as he grabs his jacket. We all watch as he pulls the door open and marches through it.

  By the time Bella and I have said thank you and goodbye to Logan’s parents he’s sat in his car with the engine running waiting for us.

  As soon as we are in the car he puts his foot down. We quickly strap ourselves in and I shoot off after him. He knows these country roads too well though and it’s not long until I lose him and I have to get Bella to set the Sat Nav to find our way back to his house.

  “You and Drew seemed to get on well,” I comment once I’ve got instructions to follow.

  “Yeah, he’s sweet.”

  “Right,” I say sceptically.

  “What? Spit it out, Cole.”

  “It just looked a little like you were flirting that’s all.”

  “He’s wife’s just died, Cole,” she says defensively. “I was just trying to make him laugh a little.”

  “Okay, sorry, you’re right. I just couldn’t help thinking about all the men over the years that you’ve turned down and the one you do show some interest in is so off limits it’s not even funny.”

  “I’m not interested. He was
just easy to talk to, that’s all,” she tries arguing but I’m not convinced.

  By the time we pull up outside Logan’s house again his car is parked but he is nowhere to be seen. His front door is ajar though so I guess we’re meant to let ourselves in.

  “What are you doing,” I ask Bella when she walks around to the driver’s side.

  “I’m going home and leaving you two to it. I couldn’t exactly send you with him from his parents because they might have got suspicious.”

  “You don’t have to go.”

  “Cole, we both know that Chase doesn’t want me here. He wants you. I won’t get in the way. Plus I want to spend some time with Darcy and Ella before we head off again.”

  I agree with her because, well, let’s be honest, she’s right. After waving her off I head inside to find Logan and see what kind of mood he might be in.

  I’ve barely got the door shut when I hear an almighty roar followed by a number of grunts and groans.

  The sounds are coming from up the stairs so I cautiously head up.

  The first door I come to is a sleek black and white family bathroom and the second is a grey and silver double bedroom. I’m sensing a theme with the colours up here.

  I hear another grunt and I take a few steps towards the only other door.

  When I look into the room I have to do a double take because unlike everything else I have seen this room is painted lilac and the back wall has purple and silver butterfly wallpaper. Not very Logan Chase like!

  That is soon forgotten though when I take another step into the room and see Logan stood only in his boxers in front of a bright red punching bag. I don’t get a chance to look at the rest of the room because the sight of him lunging forward and punching the bag with everything he’s got has me totally lost.

  I watch as his muscles clench and flex as he moves. He continues to grunt and groan as he continues punching over and over until he wears himself out. He then wraps his arms around the bag and comes to a stand still. The only sound in the room is his heavy breathing.

  I’m sure he knows I’m here, after all he did leave the door open for me, but he makes no move to turn around.