by Dakota Rebel
“No, thanks Abby.” I watched her walk away then turned to look at Sarra again.
She looked incredibly uncomfortable in that cramped chair, but if she really had been awake as long as Abby said, I supposed she would have been able to sleep anywhere.
I closed my eyes and fought going under again. My entire body ached, and honestly I wanted to sleep, wanted to do anything to take the pain away. But I needed to talk to Sarra. I needed to apologize to her.
Shifting in the bed as much as I was able, I accidentally let out a loud grunt of pain as my chest felt like it was caving in on me.
Sarra was at my side immediately, her hand holding mine, concern etching her beautiful face.
“Todd,” she said, the word barely a breath. She reached out and brushed my hair off my forehead as tears pooled in her eyes. “Hey. I’m here.”
My heart ached to see the pain in her eyes. This was why I’d never wanted a relationship with her. She shouldn’t be suffering for me. I should be suffering for both of us.
“What are you doing here?” I asked her, meeting her gaze. It wasn’t what I had intended to say, but my head felt fuzzy and I didn’t seem to be able to control my words.
“Where else would I be?’ she asked with a laugh. “God, I’ve been so worried.”
“You shouldn’t be,” I told her, squeezing her hand before releasing it. “I’ll be fine.”
She flinched at my words, and probably at the coldness in my tone. I’d warned her what would happen. I told her hundreds of times why couldn’t be together. And I’d hurt her exactly the way I’d said I would. Granted, I hadn’t died. Not this time. But we were both crazy if we thought it might not happen.
“Todd?” she asked, her gaze narrowing at me. “What are you doing?”
“What?” I forced myself to stay steady, to stay calm. She shouldn’t have been here. Shouldn’t have been crying over me. I wasn’t worth all that. I’d told her a thousand times. It wasn’t my fault that she didn’t want to listen.
“I’m sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “I thought…I don’t know what I thought. Do you want me to go?”
“That would probably be best,” I told her, turning away so she wouldn’t see the pain in my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she said again. “I don’t know what to do for you. I don’t know if you’re testing me, or if you really don’t love me. I can’t…I don’t know how to fix what’s broken between us.” I could hear the tears in her voice but I couldn’t turn and look at her. Couldn’t face the pain I was causing her. “If you ever figure out what you want, I’ll be back.” She sniffed and let out a sad little laugh. “It’s pathetic, how quickly I’d be back.”
I heard her footsteps click on the tile floor, then out the door and down the hall.
I closed my eyes and felt wetness fall over my cheeks. It took a few tries, but I finally got my good arm up to wipe them away. Better to break her heart now, than to do it by actually dying on her later.
****
“Where’s Sarra?” Daniel asked, as if it had suddenly occurred to him that she wasn’t in the room.
Kyle and Daniel had come up together, letting me know that David was covering the office for them so they could come see me in shifts.
“I don’t know,” I said, trying to shrug but still unable to move much. “She left a while ago.”
“She’s been here for days,” Kyle said, his tone threatening. “Why would she leave once you woke up?”
“Leave it,” Daniel said.
“No,” Kyle insisted. “I want to know what you said to her.”
“Leave. It.” Daniel repeated firmly.
Kyle fell silent and I turned to thank Daniel, but he was glaring daggers at me, so I just kept my mouth shut.
“I talked to Abby,” Kyle said. “Sounds like the doctor is pleased with how everything went. You’ll be in here for a few more days, and you’ll probably have some rehab work, but they say everything looks good.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “Did you bring the case files? I can still work from here.”
“No, you can rest here,” Kyle corrected me sternly. “You’re not touching this case until you can at least walk your ass out here.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I argued.
“No,” Doctor Gonzales said, walking into the room. “That’s doctor’s orders. I understand that you’re the fire chief, but you’re no good to anyone if you collapse from exhaustion because you didn’t follow the rules.”
“So, when exactly can I get out of here?” I asked.
“Two or three days,” Doc said. “I want to keep any eye on those ribs. We may need to cast your chest, but I’m hoping to avoid it.”
“No way,” I argued. “I can’t spend another three days trapped in here.”
“You want me to cast you?” Doc asked, raising an eyebrow. “It’s not going to be as easy as you think it will.”
“Hey, dumbass,” Kyle said, drawing my attention back to him. “Just lay here and shut up for a few days. You’ll survive.”
“Fine.” I blew out a sigh. “Fantastic.”
Three frickin’ days in a hospital while an arsonist was on the loose in my town and my girl was somewhere either crying her eyes out or castrating a voodoo doll in my likeness. Just great.
“So,” Daniel said when the doctor left. “Where is Sarra?”
“What the hell, man?” I asked, wincing in pain as my anger had caused my back to arch up and hurt my chest. “You just told Kyle to leave me alone.”
“I wanted you to hear how bad your injuries were.” Daniel shrugged. “Now, where the hell is she?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “She left a couple hours ago.”
“Did she leave or did you kick her out?” Kyle asked.
“We talked, she saw I was fine, and she left.”
“You stupid, sonofabitch.” Daniel said, shaking his head. “You are unbelievable. After all of this. After you almost die and she sits here by your side, you’re going to keep pushing her away.”
“Exactly!” I yelled, ignoring the pain. “I almost died. Exactly what I warned her was going to happen.”
“You’re so fucking stupid,” Kyle said. “Do you think she doesn’t understand? Do you think she’d be going into a relationship with you blind? I don’t know how you could think that. You’ve told all of us often enough that you’re going to die in a blaze of glory like dad.” He tilted his head at me, almost studying me. “Is that what you want? Did you go in that building hoping you’d die in there?”
“What?” I stared back at him, shocked. “No! Jesus man, I don’t have a death wish.”
“Then what the hell is it?” Kyle challenged.
“I’m a realist. I have a dangerous job. Shit happens out there. I’m not going to leave a wife and kids behind the way dad did.” I blew out a sigh. “And I’m not going to stop doing my job.”
“I don’t know why you think this is an either/or thing, dude,” Daniel said.
“Can y’all just go?” I asked, closing my eyes. I was totally exhausted and about to pass out anyway.
“Yeah,” Kyle said. He patted my good arm. “Get some sleep, bro.”
I was unconscious before I heard them leave the room.
Chapter Thirteen
~ Sarra ~
This may have been the first time I wasn’t counting down the last minutes of school until summer break with my students. At least working filled my days.
It had been weeks since Todd had thrown me out of his hospital room. Weeks since I’d seen him. Since I’d talked to him. And I felt like I was losing my mind.
His family had kept me updated on his progress. Just casually in conversation mentioning when he’d been released from the hospital. When he’d started physical therapy. When he’d returned to work full time.
I was happy that he was doing well.
But I was a mess.
Every night was spent curled up alone in bed, replaying our lives, while I searched for something that
would fix this mess. Some magic key that would unlock his stupid heart and make him understand that we belonged together.
It was disgusting, and I was so sick of myself that I’d ended up isolating from everyone. Not wanting to bring them down with me as I spiraled into my horrible funk.
Pathetic, I’d called myself when I left his room. And I was pathetic. Continuing to pine for a man that had made it perfectly clear to me, for years, that he was never going to love me the way I wanted him to.
The bell rang, pulling me from my thoughts, and I hugged my kiddos as they filed out of the room. Off to their next big adventures.
As I was cleaning out my desk, one of the sixth-grade teachers stopped by.
“Hey Sarra,” Michael Bradley said, leaning on the doorjamb and smiling at me. “Some of us are headed over to Harry’s for end of year drinks. You want to come?”
My first instinct was to say no. I wasn’t really up for it. But then I realized that maybe I needed to get out and have some fun.
“Yeah,” I agreed before I could talk myself back out of it. “I’ll meet you guys there.”
It certainly sounded better than going to home to cry or pout or rage clean.
****
“I’m so glad you came out tonight,” Michael said, leaning over to talk in my ear so I could hear him over the band.
“Me, too,” I admitted. And I was. We’d been having a great time, talking about our kids’ shenanigans throughout the year, teasing the grades above ours about what they were in for next year. It was fun.
Michael slid his arm across the back of my chair as he leaned behind me to yell to Cindy Gonzales, who was seated on my other side, while I called across the table to Sandy, the principal, about when we’d be able to get back into the building.
I’d left a few things behind and wanted to be able to grab them. Everything was so loud and boisterous, that when the table fell completely silent, it was very noticeable.
I looked around and realized that Todd was standing next to me, his hands fisted in Michael’s shirt, and a very unhappy look on his face.
“What are you doing?” I yelled, jumping to my feet and wedging myself between them and forcing to Todd to release Michael.
“Just having a quick conversation,” Todd said, his gaze never leaving Michael’s face. “Right?”
“Yeah,” Michael agreed, smoothing his shirt. “Just catching up.”
I glared at Todd, crossing my arms over my chest and puffing up with anger.
“I’ve got to go,” Todd said abruptly. “I’ll see you around. Mike…good chat.” He strode off and I started to follow him, but Cindy grabbed my arm, stopping me.
“Let him go,” Cindy said.
“What the hell was that?” I asked, rounding on Michael, raising my voice to be heard over the band who had started playing again once Todd left.
“I don’t know,” he admitted with a shrug. “He told me to keep my hands to myself. I’m really sorry if I offended you. I wasn’t trying to get fresh.”
“I know that!” I rolled my eyes. Michael was thirty years my senior and one of the most happily married men I’d ever met in my life. “That asshole.”
“He’s just trying to protect you,” Cindy said. “It’s kind of hot. Big, bad fire chief standing up for his woman.”
“Right.” I huffed. “Except I’m not his woman and he’s just a caveman with a serious hero complex.”
I was fuming and I knew that the rest of my night was shot. There was no way I was going to be able to relax and get back to having fun, now that Todd had humiliated me in front of my coworkers.
“I’m calling it a night, guys,” I announced, dropping some cash on the table to cover my part of the tab.
“Oh, don’t go,” Sandy whined. “They’re setting up karaoke.”
“No.” I laughed. “Thank you, though. I’ll see you guys around, okay?”
I walked out to my car and sat behind the wheel for a few minutes. I was still so angry that my hands were shaking and I knew that the only way I was going to feel better was if I had it out with Todd Montgomery once and for all.
Turning the ignition, I pulled out of the lot and headed for his house. But when I neared the Rescue office, I saw that his truck was out front and the lights were on. I pulled in, shut the car off and stormed up the steps.
Chapter Fourteen
~ Todd ~
I’d been completely out of line. I knew it the second I laid a hand on that poor man. He was sixty years old if he were a day, and I’d accused him of getting handsy with my woman.
None of that was true.
He wasn’t hitting on her…and she wasn’t mine.
I’d been a mess ever since I’d gotten out of the hospital. Once the pain had dulled and the drugs levelled off, I realized what a horrible mistake I’d made with Sarra. And I had no clue how to fix it.
My family had warned me to let her cool off before I tracked her down to apologize to her. But it was killing me. I wanted to fall at her feet and beg her forgiveness. I wanted to tell her how wrong I’d been, about everything.
But I was terrified that she’d never forgive me. I remembered her telling me that when I was ready she’d come back. But I didn’t know how true that was. After what I’d said to her, what I’d done, I didn’t deserve to get her back.
When I’d walked into Harry’s and seen Michael with his arm around her, I’d absolutely lost my shit. I’d already hauled him to his feet before I was able to see what had really been going on. He was just leaning on her chair. Completely innocently. And I’d gone Neanderthal on him.
And Sarra had been pissed. I could see it all over her face. So what did I do? I chickend out and ran.
I was so screwed.
“Hey!” Sarra yelled, storming into the office. “I have a big, fat, fucking bone to pick with you.”
I jumped to my feet and backed up a few steps as she advanced on me. I held my hands out in a defensive motion, but she just kept coming.
“How dare you!” She jabbed me in the chest with her finger. “I don’t see you for weeks. For weeks. And you show up out of nowhere and attack my friends? Are you out of your ever-loving mind?”
“Yes,” I admitted.
“You have no right,” she continued, as if she hadn’t heard me answer. “I don’t belong to you. I never did. You made it painfully clear to me, always, that we would only ever be friends. And now, when I don’t even have that, you want to act like you own me?”
“Sarra, I’m—”
“Shut up,” she interrupted. Her whole body was shaking with rage and for a minute a real spike of fear shot through me. I’d never seen her so angry in my life. “Just shut your mouth. You got your say. In the hospital. When you were broken and injured and I couldn’t fight back.
“If it hadn’t been for your family,” she said, her tone icy. “I wouldn’t even have known if you were still alive. Everyone in this whole damn town acts like I’m yours except you. And now…” she laughed, the sound hollow and humorless. “Now, you want to pretend that I’m…what? Todd? Your property? Off limits to everyone?”
“Stop,” I said, taking her hands in mine and staring down at her. “Just stop. I know I was wrong. I’ve been wrong. About everything. I’m sorry.”
“It’s too late for sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re too late.”
“You told me you’d come back to me,” I whispered. My heart felt as if it had stopped beating in my chest. Had I finally lost her?
“You hurt me,” she said. “More than I ever thought you were capable of. You were laying there, dying, and you didn’t want me.”
“I didn’t want you to suffer,” I said lamely.
“Suffering is all I’ve ever done for you.” She pulled her hands away and stepped back. “I can’t keep doing this, Todd. I thought I could. I thought I was strong enough to wait for you. But I’m not. Because it’s never going to be enough. You’re going to keep chasing ghosts, keep pushing me a
way. There’s only so much a girl can take before she breaks.” She bit her lip and looked at the floor, her whole body deflating. “And you broke me.”
She turned around and walked out, leaving me standing in the middle of my office staring after her, completely unsure what to do, so I let her go.
I sank back in my chair and held my head in my hands, fighting tears as my heart shattered into a million pieces.
I’d thought this was what I wanted. For her to forget about me and move on. But I didn’t know it was going to feel like this.
“You’re just gonna let her go?” David asked, his voice behind me making me jump.
“What the hell, dude!” I yelled, jumping to my feet and clutching my desk. “Were you here the whole time?”
“Mostly.” He shrugged. “I was in the back cleaning some gear. I tried not to eavesdrop but it was kind of hard to miss the dulcet tones of Ms. Jackson ripping you a new one.”
“Well, go back there,” I snapped. “It’s none of your business.”
“You’re a moron,” he said, shaking his head.
“What are you talking about?” I asked. I leaned against my desk, crossing my arms and glaring at him.
“She’s in love with you.”
“Not anymore,” I argued.
“Again, you’re a moron.” He blew out a sigh. “Look, I’ve got no experience with women, but I do know that the ones who don’t care, don’t show up at your door. If she didn’t love you, she would have just gone home.”
“You’re right, you don’t know anything,” I agreed. “She just told me I’d pushed her too far. Chasing after her now would just be another nail in my coffin.”
“Todd,” David said, walking over to me and putting his hand on my shoulder. “You seem to be the only person in this town who doesn’t realize how much Sarra loves you. Yeah, you hurt her. And we let it happen. But right now, I am telling you to go after her. Fix this. You have wallowed in your self-pity long enough.”
“What am I supposed to do?” I asked, totally lost.
“You could try telling her how you feel. You could finally fucking marry that girl like you’ve wanted to since high school.”
