by Jewel E. Ann
“Jesus! He just lost his sister. I’ve been his best friend forever. Now’s not the time to get into this! What is your deal with him?”
My head jerks back. “My deal with him? Are you serious? My deal is that ever since we went to Cape Cod all I can see is his dick in your mouth. That’s all I could see this morning. It’s all I—”
“Oh my God! I knew it. I knew something was wrong this morning. Unbelievable! I spent over a hundred dollars on lingerie and sucked your cock for over thirty minutes swallowing every time and all you thought about was Kai?” She backs up closer to the front door while shaking her head, face tense.
“Viv—”
“Don’t! I gave you all of me. I gave you something no other man has ever had. I gave up a sixteen-year friendship for you. I shared the most painful part of my past with you and what have you given me?”
I can barely breathe as the blood runs cold through my veins.
“What happened in Portland? Why are you so afraid of pillows and what in God’s name is behind that locked door upstairs?” The anger in her voice is raw … unrecognizable.
I take a step back. Her words become a distant echo.
“Nothing? Is that all you’ve got? Fine then. I’ll be in Hartford with my best friend grieving the loss of his sister, a sister I thought of as my own. So if the only thoughts that you have to share are ones of pathetic jealousy about some other guy’s dick in my mouth, then I think this…” she gestures her finger between us “…was a huge mistake.”
Tears drown her cheeks and I hate myself for it. In this moment I realize how fucked-up I am because not a single word escapes my mouth as I watch her walk out the door.
*
Vivian
“You didn’t have to drive me home,” Kai speaks, ending a half hour of silence.
“I did. It’s not safe for you to drive when you’re so distracted.”
“Your boyfriend okay with you driving me home?” He keeps his gaze out his window.
“Yes.” I lie because I don’t want him to know what happened. The heavy weight on my heart from the loss of Beth has only been compounded by leaving Oliver. I don’t even have to say the words aloud for the tears to sting my eyes. That’s what I did, I left Oliver. In the moment I was running on adrenaline-driven emotions, and the reality of what I said and what he didn’t say has not hit me yet with full impact.
“Sean said you moved in with him.”
“How are your parents doing?” I refuse to continue talking about Oliver and me.
Kai lifts his shoulders. “Sarah said Mom’s a mess but Dad hasn’t cried yet. Denial, I guess.”
Kai’s older sister, Sarah, is an emergency ER doctor in Hartford, and she was working when Beth was brought to the hospital. I can’t even begin to imagine what that had to be like for her.
“How about Sarah?”
“She’s staying strong for Mom and Dad.”
He shakes his head. “I just can’t wrap my own head around it.” His voice cracks.
I reach over and take his hand. He looks over and squeezes mine and doesn’t let go until we reach his house.
“Coming?” I ask as I open my door.
Kai stares at the house like he’s seeing it for the first time. “I don’t know if I can handle walking through the front door and not hearing her voice.”
Beth was six years younger than Kai, and she had the most enthusiastic spirit.
I wipe a few stray tears. “I know, Kai.”
Opening his door, I offer my hand and he takes it. I lead him up the front walk and his grip on me tightens as we get closer.
Silence. I expect to hear his parents or Sarah, but it’s dark and silent.
“Where are your parents?”
“They’re staying with Sarah. Dad said my mom can’t even sleep in the house right now.”
I nod and flip on the entry light. “Well it’s late. I’ll call you in the morning, okay?”
“Don’t go.” His eyes are bloodshot, his voice weak. “I don’t want to be by myself.”
“Kai—”
“Viv, I need my friend tonight.”
“Okay,” I whisper and then the wish list begins. I wish Beth were here telling us about her latest crush. I wish Kai and I had never been more than friends, which would make it easier to always be friends. I wish Oliver were the one leading me to his bedroom. I wish I knew Oliver, all of him. And since everything I want is so far from reality, I’m going to go ahead and wish for flying unicorns, my own private island off the coast of Australia, and world peace.
Kai kicks off his shoes and collapses onto his bed, staring at his ceiling.
“I’m going to use the bathroom.”
He nods, not looking at me.
After washing my face and finger brushing my teeth, because I didn’t bring in my bag from the car, I crawl into bed next to Kai. He turns and faces me. We stare at each other in silence—maybe like there’s nothing to say, but more like there’s everything to say but the words are just too painful.
As I start to drift off to sleep, my phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Hi.” My heart skips a beat with one word because it’s one word from Oliver.
“Hi,” I whisper.
“Were you sleeping?”
“Just about.”
“Listen, I’m—”
“Who is it, Viv?” Kai asks sending my world into yet another disastrous tailspin.
“Are you sleeping with him?” Oliver’s icy voice pierces my ears.
I grimace and take a deep swallow, sitting up and turning my back to Kai. “His parents are not here and he didn’t want to be alone so—”
“So you’re sleeping with him?”
I stand and walk out of the room without looking back at Kai. “Don’t do this,” I whisper, leaning my head against the wall in the hallway.
“Don’t do what? Be pissed that your idea of comforting your ex-boyfriend is to sleep with him?”
“Yes, Oli, sleep with him. I’m not sucking his dick or anything like that. I’m lying next to him in bed, fully clothed, so for one night he doesn’t feel completely alone in the world.”
“You’re so naive.”
“Excuse me?” I’ve never felt the age difference between us before now. He’s treating me like a child.
“You’re not a doe-eyed virgin anymore and he’s not your five-year-old buddy down the street who doesn’t think of you as a girl.”
“It’s not about that. This is a simple case of you not trusting me. Do you know how that makes me feel?”
He sighs. “I trust you, Vivian, it’s him that I don’t trust. He manipulates you. Have you forgotten why you ended things with him last weekend?”
“This is different. His sister died.”
“Yes, she did and that’s terrible. You drove him home. Make him a casserole or send flowers and a card, but don’t fucking crawl into his bed!”
“You’re being a jerk!”
“Yeah, well I won’t even say what sleeping with him makes you.”
I press end and shut off the power to my phone.
“Viv?” Kai calls from the bedroom.
I close my eyes and wipe the tears. I’m so sick of the pain and anger, but more than anything … I’m sick of men.
*
I haven’t heard from Oliver in two days. Then again, I only turn my phone on as needed. He could leave me a message but he hasn’t, and that in itself says a lot. Kai’s dad has come back home to stay with him, although his mom is still at Sarah’s. Kai wonders if she’ll ever come back home. The past two nights I’ve stayed with my parents even though Kai wanted me to stay with him. One night was enough since his dad is there now.
“You should bring your bed back home so when you come to visit you don’t have to sleep on the couch,” Alex says as we get dressed in our traditional black mourning attire.
I lean toward my vanity mirror and apply some mascara. “Yeah, about that … I think I’m moving ba
ck across the street if you haven’t already rented out my room.”
“What?” Alex’s voice escalates.
“I didn’t want to mention it in front of my parents when you and Sean arrived last night, but Oliver and I aren’t getting along right now.” I will myself not to get emotional while applying my makeup.
“Flower, what happened?”
Dabbing some blush onto my cheeks, I look at her reflection in the mirror. “Secrets, jealously, and Kai happened.”
“I get the Kai part. Oliver couldn’t have been too thrilled to see you rush off on his birthday with your ex-boyfriend.”
“Yeah, that started it but then he called when I was at Kai’s Friday night.”
“And?”
I sigh. “And he was pissed and basically implied I was being a whore.”
“What? Why?”
“Because Kai’s parents were at Sarah’s and Kai didn’t want to be alone so I stayed the night.”
“So, why would he be pissed about that? It’s not like you slept with him.”
“No, I didn’t sleep with him as in have sex with him, but I slept beside him in his bed, like friends.”
“What the hell, Flower! Why would you do that?”
“What?” I turn toward her. “We didn’t do anything. He was grieving the loss of Sarah … we both were.”
“That doesn’t mean you sleep in his bed. You just moved in with Oliver. That should mean something.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “What’s the big deal? You’re acting like Oliver and it really hurts that nobody trusts me.”
“Flower …” Alex’s voice flows like honey. “I don’t think you’re looking at this the right way. How would you feel if Oliver had a female friend that had once been his girlfriend and her sister died so he stayed with her … in her bed? Would you think it was appropriate?”
“Yes.” NO! The internal chastising begins. How could I not see it through his eyes?
“Flower …” Alex cocks her head to the side.
“God, I’m so stupid.” I turn back to the mirror. Yep, that’s what stupid looks like.
Alex zips the back of my dress and adjusts my necklace. “Innocent, trusting, and maybe even a little naive … but not stupid.”
Naive. From his lips it felt like a hurtful lie, from hers it’s the painful truth.
“I have some fences to mend.”
Alex nods with a sad smile, slips on her black heels, and offers me her hand.
Chapter Nineteen
Mrs. Konrad
Vivian
How is it that Oliver can choose not to disclose his past, let me move in with him, not share what’s behind that stupid locked door, and avert all discussion about anything that makes him uncomfortable, yet I am always the one apologizing? I’ve spent the entire ride back to Cambridge going through my speech in my head. There will be an apology on my part, but there will also be disclosure on his.
It’s after nine at night by the time we arrive home.
“Good luck, Flower.” Alex hugs me. “My door is always open if he kicks you out.”
With a roll of my eyes, I laugh. “Go ahead and lock your door tonight. No worries, I’ve got this.”
Sean hugs me. “Do your worst, Viv, and if all else fails take off your clothes.”
As if on cue, Sean gasps for air as he hugs his gut and buckles his knees. Alex adheres to the strict motto. “Spare the junk punch, spoil the boyfriend.”
“Get your ass inside instead of talking through it. Flower isn’t going to take off her clothes like some pathetic bimbo to make her apology more believable. Now go!” She points to her red door and Sean scampers off like an injured animal.
After he’s inside she turns to me. “You’re totally going to have to strip, but then you make sure you milk the upper hand. Got it? Work that hot body of yours and by morning he’ll be confessing like a Cardinal with a room full of altar boys. Now go!”
I open my mouth and she presses her finger to it. “Go!”
Lugging my bags up the stairs, I look back once more before opening the door. Alex gives me the shoo signal so I go inside. There’s a small light on in the living room, but I don’t see or hear Oliver.
“Oli?”
No answer.
I drop my bags and walk upstairs. No Oliver.
Going back down the stairs I call his name again. No answer.
There are no notes on the counter and his car is out front, but it’s possible he’s walked somewhere or he could be with Chance, but he doesn’t usually leave on the lights. I walk past the patio door and freeze when I see a shadowy figure out of the corner of my eye. Opening the door, I spot him reclining in a chair with his back to me and the porch light off.
“Hey, didn’t you hear me?”
“I did.”
I step out on the deck. He doesn’t look at me.
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“I don’t think there’s anything left to say.” He holds up a familiar bag, but still doesn’t look at me. “You need to take this and the rest of your stuff and leave.”
I take the bag from him. “You’re kicking me out?”
He nods.
“Because of a little weed?”
He turns with bug eyes. “A little weed? You have an illegal drug in your possession. I’m not getting involved with a pothead! Maybe you’re going through some college experimental phase, but I’m not.”
“I’m not a pothead you idiot! I’ve never smoked it, ate it, bonged it, or whatever the hell people do with it. I brought it home for your birthday to share.”
He laughs with insane hysteria. “To share? This was my birthday present? You bought me marijuana for my birthday?”
“I didn’t buy it and it’s not your present. Maggie sent it home with me after I told her you were acting weird Friday morning.”
He sits up and runs his fingers through his hair while shaking his head. “Where did Maggie get this and why were you telling her about us?”
“What do you mean where did she get this? She’s been growing it since she was first diagnosed with cancer years ago, hence the name, The Green Pot! And I have to talk to someone about us because you sure as hell don’t want to talk about anything.”
“I can’t do this.” He stands and brushes past me.
“You can’t do what?” I follow him into the house. “Us? Pot?”
“Either … both.” His back is to me, hands resting on his hips, head bowed.
It hurts to breathe. The pain in my chest is crushing. “I came home, or here…” I shake my head “…I guess I don’t even have a home anymore.” I blink back my tears. “I was going to tell you that I was sorry. Nothing happened between me and Kai, but staying with him was wrong, and hurtful, and … naive. I was going to ask you to share your past with me, to trust me with all of you the way I’ve trusted you with all of me. There was so much I wanted to say, but now … I see that it doesn’t matter.”
The tears can no longer be blinked away. I sulk to the door and pick up my bags, but I don’t turn back to look at him. “So I guess the only apologies you want to hear are these … I’m sorry I’m too young and stupid and that for one night I was going to smoke a joint just to see what it was like. I’m sorry you can’t be intimate with me without envisioning some other guys cock in my whore of a mouth. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve embarrassed you, but please, please don’t ask me to be sorry about us.” A strangled sob escapes as I grab the doorknob. “I’ll ge-get the rest of my stu-stuff tomorrow … when you-you’re g-gone.”
*
Oliver
She’s gone and I said nothing … absolutely nothing. My condo feels empty just like my heart and my life again. I’ve reached the point in this relationship that I no longer know who I’m trying to protect, her or me. My heart thunders in my chest when there’s a knock at the door. She’s back!
I open it.
Smack!
The sting on my cheek is more shocking t
han painful as I stare down at Alex and her fiery scowl.
“You’re a fucking moron to let her walk out of your life. I hope I’m around to see the misery on your pathetic face when an amazing guy that deserves her snatches her up and you’re left with nothing!” She stomps back across the street and gives me the bird before closing her door.
The cheap shrink in my head, the one that usually shows up at times like this, must be on vacation. I’ve got nothing. I need to rationalize that I don’t deserve her, that we’re both better off without each other. I’m too old for her and my past is not something she deserves. In a month she’s going to be in college and I’m floundering around with my brother and a dwindling savings account. The best of me is gone and the best of her is still on the horizon.
I shut off the lights and collapse onto my bed—my lonely bed. Then it hits me. That’s it. I’m the sunset, she is the sunrise, and the only thing between us is a world of darkness.
I bolt up from the bed. Crap! I’ve fucked up!
It’s a little after eleven, but I see lights on through their windows. No doubt a male-bashing fest has ensued since Alex physically assaulted me. Crossing the street feels like breaching the frontline and all I’m armed with is “I am the darkness and you are my light?” If I don’t come up with something better than that I might as well shove a sword through my own chest. I’ve already used up the gold standard, “I love you.” Now what? I want you? I need you? The sex is amazing? Yeah, that’s the one.
I knock on the door and pray the right words will magically find their way from my mouth to her ears. Alex answers with a smug grin.
“Come back for round two?”
“Where is she?”
“Flower is … busy. Maybe you should come back in the morning.”
I push the door open easily overwhelming her attempts to keep me out.
“Oliver!”
I scan the main level then head up the stairs; a pungent odor fills the air. Opening the door to Vivian’s room I’m greeted with bloodshot eyes and a lazy smile.
“Oli,” she says before taking another drag of her joint then coughing.
