A Soul For Chaos (The Soulbearer Trilogy)

by Crista McHugh

  “As do I.” His fingers itched to grip his sword, to show the bratty young princeling a lesson. But instead, he drew in a deep breath and let his hand fall lax. “Your father never sent you on this diplomatic envoy, did he?”

  Only the slightest widening of Kell’s eyes revealed the truth. Dev had spent years watching card players for their tells, and he knew from the moment Kell told his tale that he was lying.

  “I know for a fact the last diplomatic envoy ended on a bitter note,” Dev continued, “and the last thing I see your father doing is re-establishing ties with Gravaria.”

  Kell’s chest rose. “Perhaps he’s come around in his old age.”

  “Or perhaps you’ll make up any excuse to be with Arden.” He caught a flicker of movement along Kell’s jaw from the tightening of the muscle—another tell that he was right.

  “Things are changing, even now.” Kell didn’t blink as he spoke. “When I’m king, I’ll shape Ranello into the kingdom I envision it can be.”

  “And I bet you’d love to have a powerful witch like Arden in your arsenal, just like you did when Sulaino was threatening your kingdom.” Dev took a step toward him. “You have no idea of the magic you’re playing with, nor the consequences it can bring.”

  “If you’re going to tell me that nonsense about it driving her insane, I don’t believe it. I saw with my own eyes what she did.” Kell narrowed the space between them. “And I saw she suffered nothing more than exhaustion afterwards.”

  “We were lucky then.”

  “Or maybe you were wrong about everything.”

  Dev opened his mouth to reply, but a shock raced down his spine. His stomach turned, and the overwhelming sense of foreboding quickened his pulse. The air grew heavy with magic. Strong, dark magic.

  Even Kell’s breath caught. Panic filled his eyes.

  This type of magic only meant one thing. Arden was in danger.

  Dev raced for the door, the sound of footsteps telling him Kell was close behind. He flung it open to witness a giant watery hand splashing onto the deck toward Arden.

  The boat lurched to the side. She fumbled for a nearby rope, her eyes wide as she slid toward the sea. The watery hand wrapped around her ankles, pulling her closer to the edge. She reached for him. “Dev!”

  He dove toward her. Their fingers brushed. Heart pounding, he tried to grasp her, but she slipped away through the railing

  The ship righted itself, and Dev jumped to his feet, running toward the side of the boat. Behind him, Kell barked out orders to the men to get a rope to throw toward her, but he feared it would be too late. Arden couldn’t swim, and that spell would drag her under the waves before they would have a chance to rescue her.

  He never broke his stride when he dived over the edge into the water. Ahead, the sun light caught her golden hair. He swam toward her with all the strength he could muster, his mind acutely aware of each passing second she remained submerged.

  Arden’s eyes widened with panic, and his heart wrenched as she reached for him again. The seawater rushed into her open mouth, garbling her cries of help. Her arms and legs flailed, the movements quick and jerky at first, getting her nowhere. Then they slowed, and she began to sink. Her eyelids were beginning to droop when he wrapped his arm around her chest. A shower of bubbles tickled the side of his face as her lungs emptied of air.

  “There they are,” he heard when he broke the surface. He grabbed the rope they threw toward him and let them pull him back on board.

  Arden remained limp in his arms, her face pale. Fear gripped his gut. Had he been too late?

  Kell snatched her from him as soon as they got on the deck. “She’s not breathing.”

  His heart stopped. No, no, no!

  He yanked Arden from Kell’s arms and whacked her between the shoulder blades. “Breathe, damn it!”

  Her head lolled to the side, but that was the only movement he detected.

  His chest tightened as though he were the one drowning. He slapped his palm against her back again, this time forcing his magic to drive the water from her lungs. Guilt plagued his conscience. Why did I let her come up here alone? Why did I let her out of my sight? He’d watched Soulbearers die before, but none of them stirred the type of anguish he now felt. If she died, he’d never forgive himself.

  A cough rattled through her body, followed by the slosh of water and the blessed sound of her sucking in air.

  “Thank the Lady Moon!” Kell began kissing her face.

  She pushed him away, continuing to cough up seawater. Her tangled hair had fallen free from the braid she’d worn and hid her face while her arms remained ramrod straight on the deck. Finally, she managed to catch her breath. She looked up and locked her gaze with him.

  His mouth went dry, and his eyes stung. He wanted to reach for her, but his body refused to budge, his limbs heavy with fatigue.

  It was Kell that captured her instead. He gathered her in his arms, pressing her head against his chest as he rocked back and forth, speaking the very same words Dev wanted to say to her. “I was so scared I’d lost you.”

  A strong wind filled the sails again, blowing away the last traces of the spell. Goosebumps prickled his skin. Kell stood, still holding her, and carried her back into the cabin.

  One of the sailors threw a blanket over his shoulders, but it did little to drive away the chill forming in his blood.

  Someone wanted Arden dead, and they’d almost succeeded.

  ***

  The world blurred past Arden as Kell carried her off the deck. Her heart thudded, reminding her she was still alive. “Loku, what was that?”

  “The wrath of a god.” She waited for him to tell her more, but he remained silent.

  Further complicating matters was the strange emotion she’d glimpsed in Dev seconds before Kell distracted her. His normal expression which varied between blank and annoyed had vanished. He seemed scared—genuinely, unequivocally scared. Was it because he’d almost failed in his duty once again? Or was it because he actually cared enough about her to be frightened?

  But thanks to Kell, she’d never know.

  “I’d be more concerned about some of the other things you might have never known if you’d died,” Loku interrupted. “Think about the life you’ve lived so far. Or should I say, the life you’ve been afraid to live.”

  A pulse, more frantic than her own, filled her ears. The scent of bay leaf still clung to Kell’s clothes, even this far from home. And though his arms held her as if she weighed nothing, Kell’s hand trembled against her ribs.

  He carried her into her room and sat her down in her chair. His face remained drawn and pale as he removed her shoes and stockings, his lungs bellowing as hard as hers. “Thank the Lady Moon you’re alive,” he repeated, pausing to add in a quiet voice, “I don’t think I’ve ever been that terrified in all my life.”

  She brushed a lock of hair back from his forehead, trailing her fingers along his face until she could lift his chin. The same emotion she’d glimpsed in Dev played out more fully on his face. She shivered from the intensity of it.

  He wrapped his hand around hers. “You’re freezing. We need to get you out of those wet clothes.”

  She laughed. “Same old Kell. Always trying to get me naked.”

  “I’m serious, Arden. This is no laughing matter.” He caught her face in his hands. “I love you, and I almost lost you just now.”

  Her breath could only come in short, sharp bursts. “What did you say?”

  “I said I love you.” He then kissed her as though his lips could do a better job of conveying his feelings than his words.

  But the words echoed through her mind. He loved her. No one had told her that since her mother died. A glow filled her, melting away her icy fear. She began kissing him back, savoring the touch of someone who cared about her and wasn’t afraid to show it.

  The heat of his hands penetrated her wet clothes, reminding her of his intent to remove them. But even if she sloughed off the dam
p garments, she’d still be left cold. She wanted to feel those hands all over her body, warming her, teasing her, bringing her pleasure. She wanted to know the sensation of his bare skin against hers.

  Still kissing him, she dug her fingers into his fine linen shirt and yanked hard enough to tear it. He broke off the kiss long enough for her to pull it over his head. Wariness filled his hazel eyes. “Arden, what are you—?”

  She silenced him with another kiss, pushing him back onto the bed while she fumbled with the laces of her bodice. She needed to act now before she lost her courage.

  Kell pried her fingers away from them. “Wait.”

  Her throat tightened, and doubt replaced her hunger. Had he changed his mind about her?

  And yet, desire still heated his gaze as he asked, “Are you certain?”

  When Loku accused her of being afraid to live, she realized how much her fear had been holding her back, how much her mother’s memory kept her from discovering her own path. If she told Kell no now, would she ever have another chance to know what it felt like to be loved?

  She pressed her hand against the wall, releasing a trickle of magic. The door slammed behind her, and the walls flashed blue from the ward she’d cast. No more interruptions. No more distractions. She wanted time to be alone with Kell and learn what it meant to be his lover.

  “Yes.”

  A grin split his face, and his arms tightened around her. Then he kissed her so thoroughly, she didn’t even notice that he’d already unfastened her dress and pushed the neckline down far enough to cup her breasts in his hands.

  She waited for that nagging voice to tell her to stop, to caution her about the dangers of losing herself like this and the possible consequences, but it never came. Instead, her body hummed in pleasure as her dress fell into a heap in the corner and Kell lowered her head onto the pillow.

  ***

  Dev stared at the closed door from across the cabin, part of him dying with each moan of pleasure he heard. Loku’s warning had come true. He’d pushed her away for too long, and now he’d lost her to Kell.

  He closed his eyes and replayed every moment he’d spent with her since they’d met, wondering where he could have done things differently. No matter what he told himself, it always came back to that one morning when she’d asked if they could be something more, if he felt the same way about her that she did for him. He remembered every detail of that moment, from the way her eyes glistened from unshed tears to how hard it was to tear himself away from her and not crawl back into her bed. It was like ripping his own heart out when he told her no.

  And now he regretted that moment more than any other moment in his long life. It weighed upon him like a heavy yoke and stung his heart like the lash of a whip. He was a prisoner of his duty, and there was no parole in sight for him.

  He had no idea how much time had passed when the door creaked open. His clothes had dried and stiffened from the salt that caked the fabric. Night had fallen, and the glow of the oil lamp illuminated a path of light from her room to where he sat on the floor. Inside, he saw what he feared. Arden lay dozing in the bed, her blond hair fanned out around her and her bare shoulder peeking out from under the covers.

  Kell stepped out, wearing only his breeches. At least he had the decency to stumble when he saw him. “Sorry, Dev. I didn’t know you were out here.”

  Dev didn’t move from where he sat. “I’m her protector. It’s my responsibility to keep her safe.”

  “She’s fine now.” Kell gently closed the door behind him and poured two glasses of wine.

  “Of course. I assume you wasted no time undressing her and giving her a thorough examination.” Dev winced after he heard how bitter the words sounded to his own ears.

  Thankfully, Kell kept his back to him. The only sign that he’d heard Dev came when he paused, the muscles of his back rippling when he breathed. Then the tension faded from the prince’s frame. He expected Kell to be gloating when he turned around, but the prince remained somber. “Perhaps the only protector she needs is me. In the end, it’s her decision. It’s always been her decision.”

  Kell tucked a loaf of bread under his arm and retreated back into Arden’s room, closing the door behind him.

  Dev stayed where he was, letting Kell’s words sink into his soul like a knife blade. It’s her decision. And he was the one left behind.

  Chapter 9

  Arden stared at the ceiling and watched the sunlight paint the rich red and brown grains of the polished wood. Kell snored lightly beside her, his arm wrapped possessively around her waist like heavy iron chain. The heat of his skin, which she’d once craved, now covered her body with a layer of sweat. Instead of feeling cherished, she felt trapped.

  “Is something wrong, my little Soulbearer?”

  She paused from twirling her hair around her finger. Although Loku had been present in her mind since she nearly drowned two weeks ago, this was the first time he’d spoken to her when she’d been in bed with Kell. Which was probably a blessing. The last thing she needed in the heat of lovemaking was hearing the perverted commentary of the chaos god. “I’m not quite sure,” she admitted at last.

  “I’m always willing to listen.”

  She wanted to laugh, but caught herself. What would Kell think if he learned she was laughing at the voice inside her head? It was one of the many things that still troubled her about her relationship with him. He said he loved her, but she hadn’t shared her darkest secrets with him yet.

  The idea of having a confidante intrigued her. At least she knew Loku wouldn’t share anything she told him, even though she also knew she’d be opening herself up to ridicule. “I don’t know what to do next.”

  “Are you wanting my advice on new sexual position? If so, I’ll gladly share a few of my personal favorites.”

  Arden’s skin grew warm, and she squirmed under the covers. “I wasn’t talking about that.”

  “Then be more specific.”

  She held her breath. Could she trust Loku with the issue weighing her heart? “I don’t know what to do with Kell.”

  “Go on.”

  The two words lacked any mocking undertones, encouraging her to continue. “He keeps telling me he loves me, and I never know how to respond.”

  It was more than her lack of words that bothered her. It was his expectation that she would say it back. And when she didn’t echo his sentiment, the pain in his eyes tore away at her defenses until she found some way to appease him, usually by leading him back to bed.

  “Why don’t you just tell him you love him?”

  “Because I refuse to say those words unless I’m absolutely certain they’re true.”

  “Ah, so you’re having doubts about your relationship with Kell? And I assume they have nothing to do with a certain cynical knight.”

  Damn it! She hated that Loku sometimes knew her better than she knew herself. But she had to admit he was right, to a certain extent. She’d put her heart on the line before and been rejected. Now she feared doing it again.

  “Fine. Let’s forget Dev for a moment. What are your feelings for Kell?”

  She paused to sort out everything in both her mind and heart, but was still left with a confusing jumble of emotions. “I’m not sure.”

  “Then keep fucking him senseless until you figure it out. At least you’re having some fun from it.”

  Her whole body flushed, and she pulled the covers up to her chin. “There’s more to our relationship than just that.”

  “Liar! You know you love it when he—”

  “Shut up!” She jumped out of bed, the sheet still in her hand and reached for her dress. Loku’s laughter reverberated through her whole being. “I should’ve known you would take this conversation there.”

  Kell, however, continued to sleep like a dead man, his well-muscled limbs mildly askew from her hastened departure from the bed. As she watched him, she could see why so many women fell for him. He was handsome. And charming. And an excellent lover. />
  But more importantly, he was a good friend, someone she could count on to comfort her when she needed it. Only now, he was the source of her discomfort, and she didn’t know where to turn.

  “If you want me to be serious, then I’ll say just one thing—don’t go back to that scared little prude you were before. If you discover you love the prince, then you have many wicked nights ahead of you.”

  Which he will enjoy observing, no doubt. Arden pulled her dress over her head faster than normal, not caring if her laces were crooked when she pulled them tight. This whole conversation reminded her that she was never alone, that she would never have the privacy most people enjoyed. Everything she did fell under Loku’s scrutiny.

  “And if you decide you don’t reciprocate the prince’s feelings… Well, then, my little Soulbearer, our fun is just beginning.”

  “Meaning?”

  More laughter answered her, fading into silence as she crossed the cabin. Outside, the sky was clear and the sea was calm. She strolled out onto the deck, breathing in the salty air to clear her mind.

  “Finally emerged from the bedroom, eh?”

  She turned to where Dev stood a few feet away with Cinder. “Yes. Do you have a problem with that?”

  He rubbed his hand through the wolf’s thick fur, refusing to look at her. She didn’t need to see his face to know what he was feeling. She heard it in the sarcastic tone of his voice. “It’s my job to know where you are at all times.”

  “Then you should be thankful I’ve made it so easy for you.” She whirled around and went to the railing, hoping that would be the end of the longest conversation they’d had since the day he rescued her.

  Slow, steady footsteps crept up behind her. She kept her back straight, pretending to ignore him, praying he wouldn’t touch her. The sting of his words was beginning to fade, and the last thing she wanted was a gentle hand to rub salt in the raw wounds.

  But it was a wet nose she felt first. Cinder whimpered until she finally relented and scratched him behind the ears.

  “He’s missed you, you know,” Dev said quietly, all the sarcasm gone. “He even decided I was better company than being alone.”