by Jolene Perry
“You need to check in at six in the morning. I’ll try to get to you first.” He exhaled. “I’m sure you’ll want to be back home as soon as you can.”
“You are correct.” But then I though about Brian and Nathan and all that would need to be done for me. I looked over at Brian. “But…”
“Your mom will come up. Don’t worry about anything.” Brian put his warm hand on my shoulder.
“Okay, well, Leigh, we’ll see you Thursday morning.” He reached out and shook both our hands before leaving the room.
I wanted all of this to disappear. To not happen. To not be happening. I slumped back, and closed my eyes while Brian gathered our things.
“Leigh.” I felt his hand softly touch my leg as I laid on the table.
The first tears escaped through closed lids.
He sat on the edge of the table, reached his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. Things would be okay if I could just keep this. Brian’s arms and the way they made the world disappear.
- - -
“He sent you out to ask if I wanted you to know everything,” I said when we were driving home. I’d curled into a ball in the passenger’s seat.
“Oh.”
“I told him yes. I just wanted you to know.”
“Thank you, Leigh.” He squeezed my hand.
I think we were both numb from shock. We didn’t talk after that. Sometimes there’s so much to say that no one knows how to start. He was thinking about me I could tell because once in a while he’d squeeze my hand or let go of me for a moment to touch my shoulder or my face. I was partially in shock, and partially dreading what I knew was coming.
When we pulled into the driveway, I took out my phone and dialed Mom.
“Hey Leigh!” I heard her happy voice on the other end. “It’s nice to hear from you.”
“Yeah. Hey, Mom.” I paused and there was silence on the other end. She’d known me for too many years to not understand the tone of my voice. “I was at my doctor’s today. He’s doing surgery this Thursday.”
I heard a small noise at the other end and silence. That was the sound I knew was coming—the sound of my mom’s heart breaking again. She took a long, deep breath. She had a lot to process in a few moments. Things weren’t the same. I was married. We lived in different places. And her daughter had cancer, again.
I heard another deep breath and then her voice sounded surprisingly normal. “You know I need something to do, Leigh. How can I help?”
“I’d love it if you’d come up. Nathan’s in school, but I’ll be in the hospital for a couple of days and we have to be there before he gets up on Thursday morning.”
“I’d love to come and stay with Nathan. I’ll drive up tomorrow, okay?”
“Thanks, Mom.” I paused. “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry you’ll have to do this again with me. I’m sorry you have a sick daughter. I’m sorry this whole situation feels completely out of control.
“No, I’m sorry that you...” but she didn’t know how to finish. “Brian is a good man. He’ll take good care of you, Leigh.”
“Yeah.” I looked over at him in the driver’s seat. We hadn’t moved from the car.
“Love you, Mom.”
“Love you.”
I didn’t want to get out. Like if I walked inside our little home and our happy life with an actual quasi-diagnosis, it would become real. It would become a part of our lives. Like a black trail would follow me, and taint the happy world around us.
“I’m calling your brother.” Brian broke the spell and climbed out.
“What for?” I knew I’d have to tell him sooner or later, but I was hoping for later.
“I think you should have a blessing.” He came around to my side and led me into the house.
He was right. “Okay. Call Jaron.”
I sat down, and Brian walked back to the porch. He walked inside in less than a minute. He sat down and held me close. I had nothing to say.
My last round of treatments had finished up a year and a half ago. With all of the praying I’d done during that time, when they couldn’t see any more signs of cancer, I knew I’d been cured. I knew it was over. I knew it was something I’d never have to worry about again. I’d felt it. I didn’t understand. As the thought sunk in, part of me felt betrayed.
“What’s up?” Jaron asked as he came through the door. It took him less than a second to process the mood in the room. “What’s going on?” He asked more quietly.
I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.
Brian took over. “We just came from Leigh’s doctor. They’re doing surgery on Thursday.”
“This Thursday?” Jaron’s voice was still quiet. “So, it’s bad?”
Brian sucked in a breath. “We don’t have numbers. Not yet. But she’s strong. She’ll be okay.” I wondered if Brian was trying to convince himself or me.
“I’m sorry, Leigh.” Jaron’s eyes didn’t leave mine. “What can I do?”
“I need your help to give her a blessing,” Brian answered.
“You ready?” Jaron asked.
“No, for none of it,” I answered honestly. I felt shaken, all through.
“Perfect.” Jaron smiled, trying to dispel the tension. “I guess we’re ready to begin.” He rubbed his hands together as if in anticipation.
I sat and watched them prepare as I remembered my father preparing when I was growing up. The routine felt good. Jaron pulled out his oil and Brian got a chair from the dining table. Everyone was quiet. The boys were preparing to receive revelation and I was preparing to internalize whatever Heavenly Father had to say to me. I got up and took my place in the chair. Jaron and Brian stood behind me.
Something passed between them, and I felt the weight of their hands on my head. I heard my brother speak the words I’d heard so many times through my life. Then it was Brian’s turn. He paused for a long time. I could hear him breathing slowly—pausing to make sure he said what needed to be said. When he spoke his voice was soft and strong.
“Leigh. You are so loved. You have to know how loved, it will be crucial to have your willingness to do what needs to be done over the next months.
Don’t be afraid to lean on those around you, use those that will be used. Have trust in your Father in Heaven who is so mindful of you and so proud of the decisions you’ve made in your life. Trust your doctors and the people who will dedicate their time to helping you to get better. There is a place for you…” Brian’s voice broke, “in Heavenly Father’s kingdom and there’s a place for you on earth. Know these things, know your strength…” Brian stopped for a moment. He was waiting for something else, or wishing. He finally let out the last of his air, “in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”
His hands went from my head to my shoulders. He still stood behind me. I could see Jaron move slightly and put his arm around Brian.
“You did good, Bri.” He patted him on the back. “I’m going to leave you two. You know where to find me. I’ll meet Nathan at the bus, and you can come get him at bedtime.” He leaned down, kissed me on the head, and walked out the door.
It was too much, everything piled on top of me, what I’d be facing, what Brian would have to go through. I had no idea how to protect Nathan. I felt the first sob hit me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop them from coming.
“Oh, Leigh.” Brian kneeled at my side. “What can I do?”
I brought a hand to my mouth. There weren’t words. My body shook in another sob, and that was the last of my self-control.
Brian’s strong arms slid around me. He carried my shaking body to the couch where he sat, keeping me on his lap. My face pressed into him and I cried. I thought back to being skinny, unable to eat, throwing up for days at a time. I remembered not being able to sleep even though my body was completely ex-hausted. My hair had started to fall out almost immediately. The endless medications, needles, side effects… What would be left of me to love?
I shook on Brian’s lap, his arms crad
ling me to his chest, until I drifted off to sleep.
- - -
My body shifted, and I opened my eyes.
“Sorry,” Brian whispered. “I wanted to get us something to eat.” His eyes were red and swollen from crying. I felt a hard stab of guilt. I knew in that moment I’d have to do better. I’d have to make sure Brian never saw me lose it like that again. He already had too much to deal with.
“I’m sorry.” I leaned my head back onto the couch.
“Don’t be sorry, Leigh. Never be sorry. We have each other. We can do this.” His hand traced the side of my face.
We did have each other, and I felt determined not to let him down again. I’d have to be stronger. Tougher. Brian depended on me.
NINE
I woke up in the familiar smell of hospital. Brian’s hands ran gently through my hair and then down my shoulder.
“Hey there,” he smiled. My hand rested in his.
“Hey.” I felt like I knew I would. Wooden, dried out, stiff and heavy.
“Dr. Watts said he’ll be here in a few minutes.”
“Have you already talked to him?” I mumbled in a scratchy voice.
“No, I just got a heads up from the nurse.”
I closed my eyes again.
“How do you feel?”
“Don’t know yet.” I tried to smile.
“Relax, Leigh.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead.
I closed my eyes again just in time to hear a knock on the door.
“Come on in,” Brian answered.
Dr. Watts walked in. “How are we?”
“Don’t know yet,” I answered.
“Well, that’s a good thing.” He sat down on a stool, taking one long breath in and slowly letting it out. “I don’t like treating patients I like as well as you, Leigh.”
My stomach sank, how bad was it?
“Sorry.” He pursed his lips. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” He paused for a moment. “It looks about the same as last time. Why did they let you keep that other ovary?”
“I wanted kids.”
“But the chemo usually ruins that anyway.”
“I wanted the chance.” I remembered the feeling of hope when I insisted they leave the healthy one there.
“Well, I wouldn’t have let you take the chance.” He sighed again. “So, we took out your ovary, there was cancer there. I’d guess that’s where it started. There was some on the fallopian tube. We took that out, too. Anything that looked the least bit suspicious, I took. We’re getting the fluid in that part of your body checked right now, so we should have those results back shortly. I put a rush on everything. I’m sticking with what I said originally. The same as last time. Maybe a little worse. I won’t know anything for sure until I get some lab numbers.” He clasped his hands in front of him.
“Naturally my biggest concern here is that the cancer came back, and fairly quickly. This to me says one of two things. First, that your ovaries were just genetically programmed to grow cancer or second, they didn’t get all of it the first time around or the chemo left some cells dormant for a while, which then began to grow.” He eyes shifted between us. “I know chemo isn’t a lot of fun, but I’m going to put you on a bit more rigorous program than last time.”
The thought of losing all my hair and being that sick for that long felt unbearable. Brian’s jaw clenched. I had to find my game face and put it on. If I could jump into this and be brave, it would be easier for him. It would be easier for my parents and Nathan and Jaron and everyone.
“The frequency will be the same, every two weeks, but it will be for longer periods of time, meaning a higher dose. We’ll go ahead and check you into the hospital at least for the first two, but I’d like to see you in here for all of them. We already know your body doesn’t react well.
“We’ll gauge how your body reacts and then you might be able to do like you did last time where you come in and sit in a chair for a couple of hours and go home. I believe your program was six months last time. We’ll try to keep it to six months this time but I’m not going to promise you that until I see the numbers from the lab. We okay?”
“Peachy.” Like bricks are on my chest, crushing me.
“And I know you know what to expect Leigh…”
I cut him off. “Yep. I come in and somebody sticks a needle in my arm so they can give me enough poison to kill the cancer without killing me. I feel a little crappy right away, I go home and just when I think that it might not be that bad, it hits me like a wall and the next two days are horrible. I throw up and feel like I’m going to pass out. I’m tired and can’t sleep. Once I start to feel like a somewhat normal version of myself, I get to come in for another treatment.
“When they first start, I might have a week where I feel pretty good but by the end I’ll pretty much feel terrible all the time.” I tried to smile.
“You got it.” Dr. Watts took one of my hands. “You’re tough, Leigh. I really, really believe you’re going to be fine. Survival rates for this are good. Really good. The next year is just going to suck a little bit.”
I nodded.
“What…I mean, how bad was it? Is it?” Brian sounded as if he was choking on the words.
Dr. Watts put on his professional voice, and I tuned out as numbers flew back and forth between them. Seventy-percent here, fifty percent there. Genetics, testing, particular cancers. I didn’t listen, because I didn’t want to know.
The room fell silent, and when I turned they both stared.
“What?” My eyes went from Brian to Dr. Watts.
“Let me give you two a minute.” Brian got up and walked out of the room. I ached for him. How much worse would this be if it were him in this bed instead of me? I couldn’t go there.
“Leigh?” Dr. Watts said. His voice was quieter now.
“Yeah?” I turned back toward him after watching Brian leave.
“Last thing.” He looked at me intently again. “Most women would do anything to have a man look at them the way that man looks at you. You make him a part of this. Make him feel like he’s doing something for you, but when it comes to how you feel? You do what you can do. No protecting the people around you and pretending to be tougher than you feel. Okay?”
“Okay.” Yeah. Right.
“I will come by for your first treatment. Someone from the office will call you when they get a schedule.”
“Thanks, doc.”
He nodded and walked out. My door didn’t close behind him.
“Brian?” Dr. Watts voice.
Silence.
“She’s done it before. She’s really healthy right now. Percentages are scary. I get it. But you have a wide margin here. Sixty to seventy is good. And I could be wrong, okay?”
“She shouldn’t have to…”
“I know.” There was a pause then Dr. Watts voice again. “I haven’t been doing this forever, but I have been doing it long enough to know a couple of things. First, someone like Leigh is going to try to make this easier on you. You’ll have to get really good at reading her. Second, at some point, especially since this is time number two, she’s going to try to push you away. She needs you. She needs to have plans for after treatments are done. She needs to feel like you and everyone knows she’ll be okay. I would say that keeping her from any kind of sickness or infection is the biggest deal.”
“I want to do more, I just want…”
“You want to make it go away.” A short pause. “You don’t get to do that. Don’t waste your time with it, Brian. You’re going to have to get good at taking care of her without hovering over her, unless she asks to be hovered over. Call me. Anytime.”
“Thanks.”
And then I heard the doctor’s footsteps fade into the busy hallway.
When Brian walked back in, his smile looked slightly more genuine. “I got word from your nurse. Your vitals look good which means we’ll probably be back home tomorrow night.”
“Great.” I smiled. “Maybe you could
call my mom? Tell her what’s going on. See how she’s doing with Nathan?” My insides were suddenly shaking apart. Dr. Watts words, paired with Brian’s need to leave my room, and again the knowledge of what I was about to go through, all hit me.
“Okay. I’ll be back in a few.” His eyebrows pulled together. I didn’t know if it was awkward for him, or if he was afraid to leave me. Either way, I needed to be alone.
He walked out and I turned my head on my pillow and let the tears flow. I probably had five minutes to myself before Brian got back. None of this was fair to him. None of it. I wiped the last of my tears just before Brian stepped back into the room.
