by Amy Johnson
Holy Mary, Mother of God! His voice was devastating. He sounded Columbian and his voice alone nearly sent her over the edge. Here she was lying nearly naked under a see thru sheet while this Columbian God stood before her preparing to send her body to places unknown with his magic hands. You couldn’t cut the passion in the room with a chainsaw. Now if Josie would just get the hell out. What was she thinking? Passion or no passion she would never cheat on Ted. She’d just have to find this passion with Ted and…
“Megan?” Sergio and Josie both asked concerned. Megan snapped back to reality.
“Huh…Omigod, I’m so sorry. What did you say?” Megan asked.
“Are you okay Meg? You don’t look so good. Maybe you should reschedule.” Josie was saying. She walked over to Megan and put her hand over her forehead.
“Holy cow! You’re burning up.”
“No, no… I’m fine,” Megan persisted. Sergio and Josie didn’t look convinced. Sergio stepped closer and cupped her cheek in his large hand. Megan lost her breath. Josie was right, this man did have magic hands. Sergio said something and then Josie said something and Megan was pretty sure they were talking to her but she couldn’t hear them because her body was on fire and when Josie pulled out her cell phone and threatened to call an ambulance and Sergio got his appointment book to reschedule Megan she found her breath, let out a deep sigh and said, “I don’t need an ambulance Josie, I’m fine. And I don’t want to reschedule either.”
Josie shut her phone and looked at Sergio who was looking from Josie to Megan like they were playing topless tennis.
“Well what the hell’s wrong with you then” Josie asked.
“Nothing!”
“Are you sure?”
“Oh alright, if you must know, I was having an orgasm and I just need a minute to recover.” Josie’s mouth dropped open and Sergio raised a curious brow. “Jesus! It’s been a really long time you know and then this Columbian God comes in with those…those magic hands and that …that killer package and not to mention that body and…and…” Shit! Had she just said that out loud? ‘God if you up there. Just take me now’ she thought. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them again, Sergio was still standing there examining his hands, a satisfied smile on his face. Josie stood beside him also examining his hands her mouth still open and her eyes huge.
“How come you never do that to me?” She demanded.
“I didn’t do anything,” Sergio protested.
“Well from now on I want what she got. For fifty bucks an hour it’s the least you can do,” Josie said still marveling at his hands.
“I don’t know how I did it. I wish I did. I’d be charging a lot more than fifty bucks an hour if I did.” Megan shrank back as far as she could in the bed. With any luck the ceiling fan would crash from the ceiling and put her out of her misery.
After a new set of sheets and an hour of pure ecstasy Megan handed Sergio a well-deserved hundred dollar bill and thanked him as he left the room. She stood to get dressed while Josie sat in the single wingback chair obviously still shell shocked from experiencing Megan’s first orgasm of the New Millennium.
“Look in those drawers and see if there’s a trash bag in one of them,” Megan said.
Josie looked at her confused, “What for?”
From behind her sheet Megan shimmied off her pink panties and held them up to answer Josie’s question. “Oh,” Josie said and started looking through drawers. “Just put them in your purse Meg,” Josie offered while rifling through the drawers.
Meg looked at her panties then her purse and shook her head. “No. They’re all…squishy.” Josie continued her search.
“Well it’s your squish. There’s nothing in here except for some latex gloves.”
“They’ll work. Give me one.” Josie handed it over and Megan stuffed her panties in it and tied a knot at the opening.
“It kind of looks like a deformed condom,” Josie pointed out trying to choke back a chuckle.
“Well we should always practice safe sex right?” Megan added then finished dressing.
***
On the way to the car Megan felt loose and relaxed. She felt like a new woman, the kind of woman who had an orgasm on a massage table and would like to do it again. The kind of woman who would toss all of her period panties and ragged bras for sheer slinky Victoria’s Secret. She felt…passionate. Thank you Jesus and thank you Sergio. That man should have his name up in lights.
Josie, however, didn’t look quite as gleeful.
“What’s the matter?” Megan asked a sulking Josie.
“I’m depressed.”
“About what?”
Josie bit her lip and Megan thought she was fighting back tears. “About what Ali said. She’s right you know. I’m going to be alone forever.”
“No, you won’t. When you least expect it Mr. Right will waltz in and steal your heart.”
Josie burst into tears. “What if it never happens?”
Oh Boy. In all the years Megan had known Josie she’d seen her cry over zits or an extra pound, wrinkles and a bad haircut but never over a man. Or the lack of one. Megan patted her on the back and tried to comfort her. The sobs came harder. Megan used the only weapon in her arsenal. “You want to go shopping?”
“Shopping?” Josie perked up and all at once the tears ceased. “For shoes?”
“Sure.”
“And handbags?”
“If you want.” And I need you to make me look sexy and desirable, Megan thought, but decided to wait until Josie was in full shop mode before mentioning it.
“Where’s your car?” Josie asked as perky and dry eyed as ever.
***
“Okay, here’s the deal,” Megan said to Josie after they bought shoes and handbags. “I need you to help me find something that’ll make me irresistible. Sexy, but stunning. Slutty, but elegant. Something that says, ‘Come and get it big boy, but remember I’m a lady.’” Josie looked perplexed.
“Slutty and elegant?” Josie repeated. “I’m not sure that’s possible.” She began scanning the racks. “How about just slutty? I can do that. The elegant thing is more Ali’s thing.” She thought for a moment then added “I’ll call her to help.” Josie made the call, told Ali it was an emergency, and clicked off. “She’s on her way. Let’s start with the slutty first.”
Ten minutes later Ali came barreling in the store breathless. “What’s the matter?”
“Megan’s having a crisis. She got a massage and had an orgasm and now she’s walking around with her squishy panties stuffed in a rubber glove in her purse. I think she had an epiphany and now she needs an outfit that says ‘do me big daddy’ only she wants it to be elegant and ladylike and I don’t know jack about elegance or being a lady. So we’ve been shopping for lingerie because you know, that’s really kind of my area and we’ve got the ‘do me’ part done. Now we need your help on the ladylike part.” Josie leaned a little closer to Ali. “And by the way, she swears she’s a five but trust me she couldn’t squeeze those hips in a five if her life depended on it so when she’s not looking we’ll grab a seven and rip the tag off before she tries it on.” She winked at Ali who was a cross between furious and amused.
“You called me about an emergency and I’m imagining all kinds of terrible things the whole way over and…” Ali turned to Megan. “You had an orgasm?” Megan gave a weak smile and a nod. Ali’s look softened.
Ali turned back to Josie. “Sergio?” Josie nodded. “That man is a legend,” Ali muttered as she began eyeing the clothing racks.
“You know about Sergio?” Megan asked wondering why in the hell she was the only one who didn’t.
“Of course. Every Tuesday at 4:00. Now let’s get busy. We’ve got a lot of work to do.”
Gee Thanks, Megan thought. “And by the way, I am a size five.” Yeah right. Who was she kidding? She hadn’t been a size five since third grade.
***
After what seemed like hours they finall
y decided on a simple red dress with a squared neckline and spaghetti straps that showed off Megan’s long legs and round butt. Josie argued that it didn’t show enough cleavage but Ali pointed out that Megan didn’t have any cleavage to show off.
“Maybe if we duct taped her boobs together we could create some. I read about that in a modeling magazine. Models use it to enhance their bosoms. Supposedly it actually works,” Josie offered enthusiastically.
“Well, it might work assuming you have some bosom to work with but in Megan’s case we don’t. Plus it would kind of do away with the whole elegance thing,” Ali added.
“Yeah nothing says ‘I’m a lady’ like duct tape,’” Megan muttered. “And I do have boobs. They’re just small. Anyways, Ted used to say anything more than a mouthful is a waste.”
Josie and Ali both shot her sympathetic looks. “He was just being kind,” Ali said, her boobs jiggling as she laughed.
Wench, Megan thought. She had boobs and passion and Megan had neither.
“But you do have a great butt,” Ali added.
Gee thanks. Too bad butt cleavage wasn’t sexy.
“And gorgeous legs,” Josie added. Yeah, nice legs leading to great butt cleavage topped off by enormous hips. Megan looked up toward heaven and asked God to zap her and get it over with. She closed her eyes and braced herself. Nothing happened. Shit.
“Who has great legs?” Mickey asked skidding to a stop. Megan turned around and Mickey took a step back. “You look bitchin’, babe. Totally hot! If I was Michael today I’d devour you.” Mickey had changed since lunch and was wearing pink spandex running shorts and a white tank top with rhinestones spelling out the word ‘Babe’ against his chest. Definitely not Michael. No devouring today. Mickey took a step back and looked Megan up and down. He stopped at the top of her head and put his fist underneath his chin.
“The hair has got to go, honey. It looks…”
Megan ran a self-conscious hand through her long brown hair. “What’s wrong with my hair? Ted loves my hair. He likes it long. He’ll have a cow if I cut it.” She thought for a minute then looked at Mickey. “And by the way, how’d you know we were here?”
“Ali called. And she’s right, the hair ruins the look.” Megan shot Micky the look of death.
“Oh, and congratulations on your orgasm. And don’t forget about your squishy panties being in your purse. It could be embarrassing if you pulled them out at the wrong time, like at church while searching for a tissue. Been there honey. It wasn’t good.” Everyone just stared at Mickey for a moment but shook themselves out of it. Anything was possible with Mickey. Anything! “So about the hair…” He began playing with it while Josie and Ali nodded their approval or shook their heads and made ick sounds.
Mickey took out his cell phone and called his hairdresser. He slammed his phone shut. “Damn! He’s booked. Josie? How about yours?”
“I’m on it,” She replied hurriedly and snapped her phone open.
“What’s wrong with my hair?” Megan repeated but everyone ignored her. “Hello?” she called out as Josie spoke into her cell phone.
“We’re on our way! ETA five minutes. Don’t you dare put anyone else in that chair. Oh, and by the way, you might want to cover the chair with a towel. The last appointment I took her to she had an orgasm on the spot.”
Megan looked up to God again. ‘Please,’ she asked. Still no lightening strike or spontaneous combusting. Double Shit!
***
Megan sat in the blue salon chair on top of the towel that was placed there in case of accidental orgasm. Josie, Ali, and Mickey were huddled with Gabe, Josie’s hair dresser, in a strategy chat. Megan closed her eyes. If she was lucky a bus would crash into the window and kill her dead on the spot. She braced herself for the impact. Nothing happened. When she opened her eyes she was face to face with quite possibly the sexiest man she’d ever seen in real life except for maybe Sergio.
Gabe was about 5’10” and solid. He had a face that was both menacing and angelic at the same time. His blonde hair was perfectly styled except for one stubborn strand that fell defiantly over his right eye. He had sea green eyes, startling white teeth, and cheekbones to die for. Megan squeezed her knees together and begged her pelvis to be good. She met his gaze and parted her lips to speak but before she got a syllable out he was already chopping away. Her long brown hair fell in long chunks from her head and again she closed her eyes, this time thinking about jumping in front of the imaginary speeding bus.
After washing, coloring, and wrapping her head in foil Gabe sauntered off to the back with Josie in tow. Mickey and Ali were flipping through magazines. Megan stared at her foil covered head in the mirror. Gabe said he’d be back in twenty minutes. Megan wondered if that was long enough to use the foil to contact aliens and ask them to abduct her. She’d probably have to endure anal probing but at least she wouldn’t be embarrassed because she had nice butt cleavage.
Gabe returned and began taking her alien attracting aluminum away. He yanked and snipped and blow dried. Then shook his head, grunted, snipped some more, sprayed, and blow dried again. He smiled and Megan squeezed her knees together tighter. He dropped his hands said “viola” and handed her a mirror. She stared in the mirror in silence for a very long time. Her hair was blonde! And it looked like a cross between Meg Ryan and Cindy Lauper. If she hadn’t been trying so hard to keep her hormones at bay she would’ve cried. It was short and choppy looking and it looked great but Ted was going to hate it. Her mother would probably have a heart attack. Spot would probably flip her the fin.
She took a steadying breath, her voice a little shaky and said “It looks…”
“Bitchin’,” Mickey provided.
“Totally,” Josie added.
“Hot,” Ali contributed.
“My sentiments exactly,” Megan said.
Gabe nodded and to Megan he said “That’ll be two hundred bucks.”
Chapter Two
After spending over four hundred and fifty bucks on her make over and another fifty at the grocery store Meg finally entered her house. Passion was expensive and if she was lucky she might have enough left to hire a good divorce attorney since Ted was probably going to kick her out and have her committed. She set her bags on the kitchen counter and was greeted by Bitty and Bugs, her four legged children. They ran into the kitchen and stopped dead in their tracks. She bent down to love on them and they backed away. She called their names in her soft cooing voice and they took another two steps back.
“It’s me guys. It’s Mommy. Don’t I look pretty?” Guess not because they backed up further. She dug through her grocery bags until she located the doggy treats. She shook the package and both pups took a step forward. By the time she got the package open the dogs were in her lap. Dogs were so loyal. You could be Hannibal Lector but as long as you had bacon flavored doggie treats they’d be your best friend. When the treats were gone so were the pups.
Megan went into the living room to deal with Spot. He came out of his pirate ship and before he could say or do anything she gave him the finger. He retreated back to his hideout and maybe it was just her imagination, but she could’ve sworn he was laughing at her. She dropped some food in his tank and went upstairs to hang up her dress. She looked in the mirror and sighed. What the heck had she been thinking? One orgasm and she’d flat lost her mind. And now she’d probably lose Ted. And the dogs would only love her when they were hungry. And she won’t have enough money to pay for her divorce. Damn!
She started down the stairs when a horrible thought hit her. She’d cheated on Ted. She had an orgasm with another man. She was going to hell. That’s probably why God had spared her today. She was asking the wrong person. She should have been looking down when she asked to be zapped. That’s probably where people like her go. She took a deep breath and contemplated going to confession.
“Just calm down,” she told herself. Maybe there’s a clause in the bible designed for situations like this. A loophole, so to speak. St
acy! She needed Stacy. Stacy was sensible. She never overreacted to anything. She’d know what to do. Megan picked up the phone and called Stacy who answered the phone breathlessly.
“Stacy? It’s Megan. Why are you out of breath?”
“I’m working out. Mickey just left. He told me everything. It sounds like you’ve had a very busy day.”
“I need to talk to you. Can you come over?”
She must have heard the tears in Megan’s voice because she said, “I’m on my way. Stay away from massage parlors and duct tape.”
***
Twenty minutes later Stacy came through the back door and gave Megan a once over. If she had anything to say about Megan’s new look she kept it to herself.
Megan was crying over her cutting board, which was stacked with vegetables.
“What’s the matter?” Stacy asked, grabbing a salad bowl and a knife.
“I cheated on Ted. I’m going to hell and my Mother is going to disown me.” Megan relayed the whole story as her and Stacy prepared the vegetables for the salad. When Megan was done telling her story Stacy cracked up in laughter. Megan started crying again.
“You didn’t cheat on Ted, Megan. There has to be another person involved for that.”
“There was! Sergio!”
“But there was no sex or kissing. There was no intent. You just…well it sounds like… maybe your hormones are just haywire. Cut yourself a break. It happens,” Stacy said and Megan perked up.
“Has it happened to you?”
“Well no but…” Megan started crying again. “But I haven’t met this Sergio yet. It could’ve happened to anyone.”
“But it didn’t. It happened to me and now Ted’s going to divorce me and I’m going to be known around town as the ‘Orgasm Queen’. People won’t invite me to sit down for tea and they’ll probably assign me my own pew at church and…”
Stacy tossed the vegetables into the bowl and took the knife from Megan’s hand. As a matter of fact she should probably rid the house of all sharp objects. “Megan, look at it this way. Does Ted ever get any of those girlie magazines and retreat to the bathroom?”
