Meg's Moment

by Amy Johnson

  “What the hell is wrong with you? I told you Tiffany is just a friend.” He retrieved the pan from the trash and started to speak but something caught his eye. He grabbed the whisk from the counter where Megan had left it after beating the eggs for brownies and used the handle on to retrieve a condom from the trash can. He held it up and looked at Megan questionably as if expecting her to explain.

  “Oh, that. Well that belongs to my friend. Keep digging. There’s another one in there too.” She moved to the refrigerator and got the butter to grease the brownie pan. Ted dropped the condom back in the garbage whisk and all.

  “Megan, we need to talk.”

  “Sorry, no time.” She pointed to the four pans of brownies on the counter.

  “Megan!” This time he shouted and Megan blinked. He took a step towards her and grabbed her hands, then forced her to look at him. “We talk now.” She stumbled and panic caught in her throat. He’d never hit her or even shown the tendency to do so but his grip on her wrists was tight and suddenly she thought she may have pushed him a little too far. She bit back the fear and stuck her chin out.

  “What’s to talk about, Ted? You have a friend. I have a friend. Everybody’s happy. You’re friend has big tits and my friend has…well you saw the condom.” When he didn’t let go of her she added, “Now let me go before you’re headache spreads to areas below your waist.” He looked at her for a very long minute as the silence stretched and then he bent his head down. Megan closed her eyes and prepared for the blow, but he didn’t head butt her.

  He kissed her. A gentle, first date kind of kiss and then he released his grip on her and took a step back. He retrieved the frying pan and handed it to her.

  “I’m gonna take a shower. Make my breakfast Megan,” he said before walking out of the kitchen and heading up the stairs.

  Megan stood there clutching the frying pan and staring into space. He’d kissed her. Now why in the hell had he done that? And to make matters worse he didn’t give a damn about finding condoms in the trash can which would have infuriated any other man, especially when they’d found another man in the kitchen with their wife the night before.

  She heard a loud clatter and then realized she’d dropped the frying pan, obviously forgetting she was holding it in the first place. Maybe her mother and Ted were right. She was losing it.

  She had to talk to Ted. She’d explain the gym and Tom and the basement search and Josie’s love gloves and how they ended up in the trash can. It would all make perfect sense and then Ted would tell her about Tiffany and the comical story about her naked pictures and Las Vegas and his Marijuana and they’d eat brownies and have a big laugh.

  Yeah right! She wasn’t even sure she believed her own ridiculous story much less his.

  She looked in her cabinets for a bottle of Wild Turkey then remembered she didn’t drink so there wouldn’t be any. The thought of the whiskey made her sick to her stomach and she bolted upstairs to the bathroom fearing she’d throw up. Ted was in the shower and Megan barely made it to the toilet before she lost her mother’s lasagna and half a bottle of whiskey in the bowl.

  “Megan! I’m trying to take a shower.” Ted said, sticking his head out from behind the shower curtain.

  “Sorry. I’m sick!”

  “Well be sick somewhere else for God’s sake.”

  “I said I’m sick! Show some damn compassion!” she snapped.

  “Get out of the bathroom!” Ted roared back.

  “Fine!” she threw herself off the floor and went to the sink to wash her face, knocking over a jar of decorative marbles she kept on the lavatory next to a basket of scented soaps and a candle. The marbles flew everywhere, the jar broke and she heard Ted spew a long string of very explicit words that would have made any good strong Catholic run straight to the nearest confessional.

  “Get Out!” he yelled and Megan almost started to cry. She was on her hands and knees trying to pick up the marbles and glass but then the tears started and all she could see were colorful blurs.

  “But Ted, I have to pick up…”

  “Out!” he yelled again, so she crawled out of the bathroom on all fours and slammed the door behind her and went back to the kitchen.

  Back in the kitchen Megan had traded her tears in for revenge and decided that instead of sitting around heart broken she’d just stick to her original plan. Find passion- no matter where it came from, as long as it wasn’t Jack the burglar- and put it back in her life. Ted could take a hike along with his nineteen year old girl friend. Her mother could condemn her to hell for having an affair and if Spot and the pups turned on her, then so be it. This was Megan’s moment and by God she was going grab it head on and enjoy the hell out of it. The screen door slammed and Megan ducked under the counter to hide from her mother. When she heard Josie’s voice she stuck her head up to make sure it was her and then got up.

  “Why were you under the counter?”

  “Thought you were my mom.” Josie chuckled.

  “You look like hell. Have you even slept?” Megan looked down at herself, still wearing her felony clothes from last night. Her hair, a disheveled mess with probably more ingredients than just lasagna in it by now, she had the mother of all head aches and puke on her shirt sleeve. All passionate men feel free to step forward.

  “No, I baked.”

  “All night?” Megan nodded and started to cry into Josie’s cleavage. Josie patted her back and said, “Its OK Megan, don’t cry.” When Megan had it a little more together she took a seat at the kitchen table with half a pan of brownies.

  “Ok, I took off work today- I called in with PMS- so we’ll spend the day together. Like when we were in high school.” Megan shoved a brownie into her mouth.

  “So what do you want to do today?” Josie asked perky as hell. “Massage?”

  Megan shook her head ‘No’ remembering the last time.

  “Shopping?”

  Again Megan shook her head ‘No’ remembering she had no boobs, chunky thighs and above average butt cleavage.

  “The Salon?” And when Megan shook her head again, Josie said, “Tell you what, you get cleaned up and think about it. We’ve got the Mustang, the MasterCard, and all day. We’ll do whatever you want.”

  “I have to finish my brownies,” Megan said.

  “I’ll finish them. Just go get ready.”

  “You can’t cook,” Megan said looking at Josie incredulously.

  “I’ll figure it out. How hard can it be?” Megan had a fleeting thought about Josie catching the house on fire and the fire department coming out with their sexy passionate firemen, one of which could carry Megan from the burning flames and she thought ‘What the hell’ and told Josie what to do to finish the last batch.

  “Oh by the way,” she said on her way out of the kitchen, “That last batch is for Ted so feel free to spit in it.”

  Upstairs, Megan heard Ted turn off the water in the shower and figured by the time he finished shaving-which for some ridiculous reason he insisted on doing in the shower- she’d have about ten minutes to get the hell out of there before Ted emerged from the bathroom. She grabbed a t-shirt and jeans and got them on in record time, trying to hurry so she wouldn’t risk running into him before Josie and she made it out the door. She had nothing to say to him right now and he was expecting breakfast.

  She took the stairs two at a time on her way down with her shoes in her hands before she stopped dead in her tracks at the sound of her Mother’s voice coming from the kitchen. She looked upstairs and thought about Ted and then at the kitchen door thinking about her mother and before she could decide which option sucked the least she heard Ted scream followed by a loud thud.

  The next thing she knew the kitchen door swung open and smacked her in the face and through a haze she saw Josie and her mother scrambling up the stairs calling her name in panicked tones.

  ***

  Megan woke up in a well-lit room with florescent lighting, white walls, and an ice pack on her head. She lo
oked around for Tom’s crotch fearful she was reliving her unfortunate gym incident and when neither Tom nor his crotch appeared she reached the logical conclusion that she was in the hospital. Then Josie appeared with a stethoscope around her neck and Megan figured out that she was in Hell’s hospital and Josie was the nurse. She closed her eyes telling herself that when she opened them again, she’d realize this was all a dream. And then she heard her mother’s voice and preferred hell again, since she wasn’t sure how she got here and her head hurt too bad to think up a lie her mother would believe.

  “What happened?” Megan asked.

  “We hit you with the door and knocked you out,” Josie said while shoving the stethoscope down her cleavage.

  “We?”

  “Me and your Mom.” She looked at Megan like ‘Duh’. “Your Mom is here somewhere. I think she’s talking to the doctor.”

  “Why on earth would you do that?” Megan asked.

  “I’m trying to listen to my heartbeat,” Josie said putting the ear piece in her ears.

  “Not that, Josie. Why did y’all hit me with the door?”

  “Oh. Because you were standing in front of it.” Well that explained everything.

  “Josie! Put the stethoscope down!” Her words came out as a growl and Josie dropped the device around her neck. “Now focus. Start from the beginning.”

  “OK, I was making the brownies like you said when your mom came in and we were talking. Then just as I put the brownies in the oven we hear this loud noise upstairs and we thought it was you so we went running out of the kitchen and swung the door open and it hit you smack in the face.” Josie smacked herself in the face to demonstrate for Megan then said, “Ouch.” Megan rolled her eyes.

  “So we get upstairs and we hear Ted moaning so we open the bathroom door to find him butt naked flat on his back on the floor with all these marbles.” She wrinkled her nose and said in barely a whisper, “Kinda kinky if you ask me, but hey, whatever works right.”

  Megan closed her eyes and tried to feel sorry for Ted but just couldn’t after he’d yelled at her. So he bumped his head. Big deal. He already had a headache anyway. Her mother walked into the room carrying a pan of brownies and made a big fuss over Megan. Back off woman and hand over the damn brownies.

  “Anyways, so Ted falls and he’s screaming obscenities so your mom shoved a sock in his mouth and called 911.” Megan’s eyes widened and she looked at her mom.

  “Well, that language is just uncalled for, Megan. I was not going to listen to it.”

  Megan thought ‘Right On, Mom’ and decided she should really appreciate her mother more.

  “So anyways, we go downstairs and find you on the floor and I decided to bring you to the hospital and your mom waited for the ambulance to pick up Ted.”

  “Plus the brownies were still baking.” Her mother pointed out.

  “Right,” Josie continued. “So then I get you here and they are watching you for a concussion.”

  “And Ted?” Megan asked because it was her duty as a wife even if he was scum.

  “Well he’s…he’ll be able to go home tomorrow,” her mother said.

  “There keeping him for a bump to the head?”

  “Well no he uh fell on a marble.” Megan looked confused so her mother continued, “He sort of uh…landed on a marble.” The confusion remained so she tried again. “Well honey he uh…well the marble uh…”

  “He got a marble up his butt,” Josie blurted. And Megan’s mom kicked the door shut with her foot. “So they did a Marble-ectomy.” Josie cracked up laughing and then Megan did too.

  Her mother said, “It’s not funny,” in the most authoritative voice one can manage while choking back laughter.

  They were still cracking up when a good looking man in a white coat named Dr. Rogers came in and stood way too close to Josie. Then Megan figured out that she had his stethoscope around her neck and wondered if that’s like the equivalent of wearing a boys letterman jacket in high school when you ’re dating. Josie put her hand on the Dr’s behind and Megan’s mom crossed herself. Josie moved fast.

  “Mrs. Malone, your husband suffered a very unfortunate accident with a marble.” While the tone of his voice was absolutely professional it was obvious he was using serious restraint to keep the laughter out of his voice. Megan tried to listen intently but lost the battle and cracked up laughing again. “He should be fine and we are going to keep him for the night to keep an eye on him but I’m very confident he will recover.”

  “Can he eat?” Josie asked.

  “Sure, at this time eating would be encouraged so that…” Everyone had wrinkled their noses, not needing to hear the rest of it so Dr. Rogers finished with, “You know.”

  “Mrs. J., maybe you should take him these brownies. You know comfort food?”

  “No!” Megan growled holding the pan close to her.

  “Yes!” Josie said prying it away from her and handing it to her mother.

  “Josie dear, I’m sure there’s enough for everyone.”

  “Mrs. J., there are more at home and Ted might need comfort during the night. He should have them, really.”

  Her mother looked at Megan and then Josie and after a moment said, “OK. I guess so.” And she took them to Ted.

  “Hey! Those were my damn brownies.”

  “Trust me, you don’t want to eat those.”

  “Yes, I did.” Megan caught Josie’s expression and then said, “What did you do?”

  “You’ll love this,” Josie sat down on the bed and smiled with excitement. OK, remember how you said I could spit in them? Well I figured I do one better so I looked in your medicine cabinet and found a box of ex-lax and I melted it and threw it in the mix.” Megan groaned.

  Josie said, “Wait, it gets better. So when I took the ex-lax out of the microwave I spilled it on my shirt so I went to the pantry to get some stain guard and that’s when I found the pot.”

  “What pot?”

  “Ted’s pot, from the basement?” Megan remembered she’d hid it in the pantry where Ted would never find it but she’d forgotten to flush it.

  “I really don’t want to hear this, do I?”

  “Of course you do. So anyway I had the pot and I was smelling it and feeling it.” Megan gave her a stern look and Josie said, “I was curious Okay! And anyways I heard your mom coming in the door so I dumped the bag in the brownie mix. Then your mom came up and told me I was over stirring it and she put the mix in the pan and finished them. Lucky for Ted, the Ex-lax will help with the marble.”

  Lucky for Ted, Megan thought. Leave it to Josie to think of it that way.

  “Oh my God,” Megan said rubbing her face with her hands. “I am a terrible person. There is probably a special place for me in Hell. My life is such a mess.”

  “Oh Meg, you aren’t a terrible person. I’ve done far worse,” Josie said.

  Megan said, “I don’t want to know about it. I’m corrupt enough all by myself.”

  The door opened and Megan’s dad walked in. “I would have been here sooner but I was busy with the cops.” He rubbed his daughter’s cheek and kissed her forehead.

  “The cops?” Megan and Josie both shouted.

  “Well the EMT’s called them in because they thought it was a domestic dispute but they couldn’t figure out if Ted knocked you out or if you dropped the marbles for Ted and then knocked yourself out trying to run away. Your Mom rode with Ted in the ambulance so I didn’t really know what happened but I did tell them that you’ve been known to knock yourself out on occasion. I think they thought we were all out of our minds and then they smelled the Marijuana.”

  “Oh shit!” Josie said and looked at her watch. “Gee look at the time I’d better…”

  “Sit down Josephine, before I call your father.”

  “Yes Mr. J.” Josie sat back down as Megan’s father continued.

  “So we looked around and we couldn’t find the dope and…”

  “Because Mrs. J. brought it with
her to the hospital,” Josie said, and Megan’s father sat down and popped a Rolaid in his mouth.

  “Spill it girls,” he said.

  So Megan and Josie explained everything from dressing Megan up for passion to when she got knocked out with the door. Her dad let out a long sigh, then crossed himself and Megan felt like hell for driving her dad to religion.

  “So the marbles were an accident?” he asked his daughter. She nodded.

  “I swear, Daddy.”

  “And Ted’s cheating for sure?”

  “Yes, Daddy.”

  “And the dope wasn’t yours?”

  “No, Daddy.”

  “Okay. Well I’d go up there and kick Ted’s ass but he kind of did that himself, so I guess I’ll go home and watch the game. You call me if you need anything Meg.” He rose to go then stopped at the door and turned, “Meg, tell your mother nothing.” Megan nodded and he added, “Because if you do she’ll probably erect a cross in the front yard and invite the whole town over to pray and then I’ll have to move in with you.”

  ***

  Megan and Josie made it home about noon. Megan was dead on her feet and Josie had a date with Dr. Rogers to rest up for so they decided to go in take a nap and try to meet the girls at the usual place at five. They were just about to climb the stairs when the doorbell rang. Josie answered the door and hollered for Megan. The cops. The pot. The domestic disturbance. Megan calculated her chances of escape and decided that with her luck she’d probably forget to open the door, run into it and knock herself out again. They’d take her back to the hospital and Ted was there. She’d take her chances with the cops. How bad could prison be? But when she reached the foyer, there were no cops there, just Tom. Looking as exotic and magnificent as ever.

  “Hello Tom,” she said and he looked at her face and frowned.

  “Mrs. Malone.” He stood on the porch for a minute until Megan’s manners kicked in and she invited him in.

  “So this is Tom, huh?” Josie said nudging Megan who then handled the introductions. “I must say Tom, you are sexy as hell,” Josie said and Megan bumped her with her hip hard enough to make Josie stumble.