by Laura Wade
CHARLIE: What am I doing under the table?
HARRY: Um, us. One at a time.
DIMITRI: Slightly more than one at a time, maybe, um –
CHARLIE: You’re talking about oral? On all of you.
MILES: We’d give you a cushion.
CHARLIE: What?
MILES: You know, for your knees.
HUGO: Milo –
CHARLIE laughs.
CHARLIE: Yeah, um. I’m sorry, there’s been crossed lines here somewhere.
HARRY: Crossed lines?
CHARLIE: I do classic outcall – two hours, normal package. That’s what I do. You seem to want more of a specialist thing.
GUY: What’s the normal package?
CHARLIE: Straight sex or oral. Like a date, only I won’t ring in the morning.
Any extras have to be agreed in advance.
GUY: What counts as extras?
CHARLIE: Well, if you wanted BDSM or water sports or whatever, they’d send a girl who specialises. I do a more classy sort of service. Conversation.
What did you say to the agency?
HARRY: Just said I wanted to hire a girl, I mean they didn’t say –
CHARLIE: Did they not tell you extras had to be agreed in advance?
HARRY: Yeah, I just – I thought he was asking if I wanted more than one girl.
DIMITRI: Villiers.
HARRY: Well I don’t know, they throw all these fucking euphemisms at you –
DIMITRI: One would probably assume we pay you and you do whatever’s required.
CHARLIE: The agency should have made it clear –
HARRY: I’ve paid a deposit. Which I was given to believe is non-refundable.
CHARLIE: Yeah, you’ll have to take that up with the agency.
DIMITRI: (To HARRY.) You didn’t think to check?
TOBY: Schoolboy, mate.
HARRY: Look, I’m sure we can work something out, can’t we?
CHARLIE: What d’you mean?
HARRY: A considerably bigger fee? Which the agency needn’t know about.
CHARLIE: I’m a professional.
HARRY: Yeah, course. Just it’s an important night for us, and I –
CHARLIE: I don’t do anything off the books.
HARRY: No, OK, but you’re here now, so –
These are special guys, Charlie and we’re celebrating tonight.
I mean if you go away you don’t earn the other half of the money, right?
CHARLIE: If you want to book a hotel room I’ll happily go to it with you.
JAMES laughs.
HARRY: What, Leighton?
JAMES: We’re not allowed to leave the room.
TOBY: There’s no fucking point if we don’t all get to do it.
HUGO: One for all and all for one.
ED: What if we all left the room in turn?
CHARLIE: I’m not going to do ten people in two hours.
HUGO: Make it nine.
CHARLIE: I don’t do more than two visits in a row without a proper break.
HARRY: What break d’you need when you’re just lying there?
What?
CHARLIE: I’m not just a live version of the sock you wank into.
HARRY: OK, I’m not just a fucking wallet.
Sorry, trying to be a gentleman here, but I’m actually really fucked off.
CHARLIE: You can take it up with Paul at the office if you want to complain.
HARRY: I do want to complain. I’ve been misled.
CHARLIE: Call him right now if you want.
HARRY: I will.
CHARLIE: You got the number?
HARRY: Yes thank you.
HARRY takes out his mobile and dials the number, putting the phone to his ear.
Ringing.
HUGO: I know, why don’t we leave it, try to keep a tiny scrap of dignity.
GEORGE approaches CHARLIE.
GEORGE: ’Scuse me?
CHARLIE: Hi.
GEORGE: Don’t you need the money?
CHARLIE: Not especially.
GEORGE: OK. You don’t need some drugs, or –
TOBY: Balf –
CHARLIE: No I don’t. Thank you.
GEORGE: So, why do you, um –
CHARLIE: I’m sorry?
GEORGE: Sorry, just wondering why you, you know –
CHARLIE: You want to finish that sentence?
GEORGE: No, I think I’ll leave it.
JAMES: I’m never going to have an erection again.
HARRY: Fucking answerphone.
HARRY hangs up.
TOBY: Aren’t you going to leave a message?
HARRY: And say what?
CHARLIE: Must be on the other line. You’ll have to call him later.
DIMITRI: You don’t think he’ll be pissed off at you for losing a job?
CHARLIE: I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. If I’m not 100% happy I can walk away.
HARRY: Look. Charlie. Here’s my problem. I’ve promised these boys they’ll get a blowjob tonight – if you don’t do it, I look like a cunt.
CHARLIE: You could do it yourself – you’ll be under the table, a mouth’s a mouth.
HARRY: I’m not sure you quite appreciate who you’re –
CHARLIE: I don’t care who you are, it’s –
HARRY: Why can’t you just do it?
CHARLIE: I think I’ve made it clear what I –
HARRY: Why can’t you buckle down and –
CHARLIE: What?
HARRY: Fuck’s sake you’re a whore, aren’t you?
The word hangs in the air.
CHARLIE: Right. I think I’m going now, aren’t I?
Yeah.
JAMES: D’you think you could exit through the window? Only we don’t want the landlord –
CHARLIE: Whatever.
CHARLIE steps up onto the chair by the window.
HARRY: No wait, wait, look Charlie I’m sorry, I didn’t mean – we can work something out so everyone’s –
HARRY grabs CHARLIE by the arm.
CHARLIE: Hands off.
ALISTAIR: Mate, step away. Let it go.
HARRY lets go of CHARLIE’s arm. She’s about to start climbing out of the window when the door opens and CHRIS comes in.
CHRIS: You – Out, please.
CHARLIE: Yeah, I’m going, I’m going.
ALISTAIR: Mate, it’s fine, she’s gone.
CHRIS: This is a family restaurant.
CHARLIE: I’m going, aren’t I?
JAMES: It’s alright, she’s going.
CHARLIE: (To MILES.) Hand, please.
CHRIS: I won’t have it, I’ve asked you nicely –
MILES gives her his hand to help her out of the window.
CHARLIE: Shut up, I’m fucking going, OK?
CHRIS: Yes, well I’ll be a lot happier once you’ve gone.
CHARLIE: I’ve gone I’ve gone. Jesus.
CHARLIE, having climbed out of the window, disappears across the car park.
CHRIS looks at the boys.
DIMITRI: I’m so sorry, is there a problem?
CHRIS: Yes, actually. Yes. I’m sorry, but I’m trying to run a family restaurant here.
GEORGE: Gastropub.
JAMES: Listen, I just want to say –
CHRIS: Look, you might like that sort of thing, I find it extremely offensive.
ED: That was Toby’s sister!
TOBY: What? Shut up!
ED: Just trying to help.
CHRIS: Some of the lads from the village wanted a strippergram in here last year and I wouldn’t let them – can’t have one rule for them and another for you – notwithstanding that it’s against the law, what she –
DIMITRI: We’re friends, aren’t we? Let’s not get into the legality issue.
CHRIS: I think it’s time you left, please.
GEORGE, JAMES and Guy head towards CHRIS, turning up the charm.
GEORGE: Oh no, please, come on –
JAMES: Really, we’re everso sorry,
can’t we –
GUY: Thing is, most of us went to boarding school, we’re not very good at –
CHRIS: The Ruby Wedding table – who by the way are sat just the other side of that wall – threatening to leave if I don’t turf you out, can’t take the noise any more.
JAMES: I’m so sorry, we really didn’t realise –
GUY: You know what boys are like –
DIMITRI: It’s our AGM, you see, so –
CHRIS: I’d like you to leave. I don’t want to get the police involved.
The other boys scramble towards CHRIS, trying to help placate him. ALISTAIR stays where he is.
HARRY: The police? Hang on, let’s –
HUGO: I’m sure we don’t need to bother the police with –
TOBY: Fucking grow a pair.
HUGO: Tubes –
GUY: Honestly, we’re just idiots, so –
CHRIS: When it’s upsetting my other customers –
ALISTAIR: How much is the bill?
The others fall quiet.
CHRIS: Sorry?
ALISTAIR: How much is the bill for the Ruby Wedding?
CHRIS: What’s that got to –
ALISTAIR: We’re spending what tonight –
JAMES: Al –
ALISTAIR: We’re spending what tonight?
JAMES: ’Bout three and a half grand.
ALISTAIR: Three and a half thousand pounds. And the Ruby Wedding bill comes to what – how many of them?
CHRIS: Eight, but that’s not –
ALISTAIR: Eight people off the set menu, six bottles of wine, fifteen percent tip, I mean we’re talking a few hundred, aren’t we?
Aren’t we?
Surely the question is – Is which of these two parties can you least afford to lose?
JAMES: Ryle, don’t –
ALISTAIR: Let the man speak.
CHRIS: It’s not about the money, it’s about goodwill, these are my customers –
ALISTAIR: Exactly – what kind of customers do you want: hundreds or thousands?
ALISTAIR pauses for a moment to let CHRIS think.
I tell you what. What say we pay the bill for the Ruby Wedding table? Gesture of goodwill.
ALISTAIR turns to the others: ‘Who’s got the money?’
Right, chaps?
DIMITRI reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a wad of cash.
DIMITRI: What was it, three hundred pounds? Four?
DIMITRI counts out the money.
ALISTAIR: Make it five.
DIMITRI: Bottle of champagne as well.
DIMITRI holds the money towards CHRIS.
ALISTAIR: We might not be to your taste, but we always pay our way.
CHRIS looks at the money.
We wouldn’t want you to be out of pocket.
CHRIS takes the money.
CHRIS: Well. I’ll see if they’re happy with that.
ALISTAIR: Please do.
CHRIS: This is what they teach you at boarding school, is it?
ALISTAIR: Do send them our congratulations.
CHRIS moves towards the door. JAMES and Guy follow him.
JAMES: I’m very sorry – we’re very sorry.
GUY: You see we don’t get together very often, so when we see each other we get a bit over-excited.
TOBY: What about pudding?
ED: Yay pudding!
ALISTAIR: Send the girl in with the pudding. We’ll be fine.
JAMES: The food’s been excellent. Really.
GUY: Friends again, yes?
CHRIS: Just keep it down, please.
JAMES: You won’t hear another squeak out of us, really.
GEORGE: Thank you!
CHRIS: Desserts’ll be along in a minute. Gentlemen.
CHRIS leaves. JAMES closes the door.
ALISTAIR: What a fucking. Knob-jockey.
All eyes turn to ALISTAIR.
JAMES: Mate – he’ll –
ALISTAIR: I don’t care if he hears me.
DIMITRI: Fucking liberty.
ALISTAIR: You see what I mean?
JAMES: Come on, Al, he was –
ALISTAIR: Taking the piss, mate.
TOBY: Taking the fucking piss.
HUGO: ‘Is this what they teach you at boarding school?’
JAMES: We did try to get a prozzer through a – didn’t chuck us out, did he?
At least he was willing to –
ALISTAIR: Snide remarks with one hand, but he’s still taking the money with the other, isn’t he? Still taking the fucking money.
HARRY: ‘I’ll see if they’re happy with that.’
ED: Total dickwad.
JAMES: You offered him a deal, he took it, what’s the –
ALISTAIR: Yeah, but he keeps the moral high ground. ’Cause god forbid he gives that up. What about not take the money if you feel that fucking strongly? Or what about take the money and shut the fuck up?
TOBY: As if.
ALISTAIR: I mean who the fuck does he – Does he think he’s some kind of lord ’cause he’s got a gastropub? What, thin beef and gay puddings for people who think ’cause they’re eating orange fish it must be smoked salmon?
HARRY: Gaylord.
ALISTAIR: Calling us ‘Gentlemen’ as if he had any idea, any idea of what the word means. Checking we do want that many bottles ‘'cause it seems quite a lot for ten people’, graciously letting us stay if we don’t smoke or call a prozzer or make any noise – what is this, the fucking Quiet Carriage?
TOBY: Yeah! I mean boo.
ALISTAIR: I mean just ’cause he’s got Farrow and Ball on the – what colour is that, kidney? – he reckons it gives him the right to sneer at us ’cause he’s what, honest, decent, hardworking? He thinks he’s earned it. He also thinks Rugby League is a sport. I mean this man keeps cheese in the fucking fridge.
HUGO: Which he should hang for, frankly.
ALISTAIR: ‘While you’re under my roof you respect my rules’? I’ve got a new rule for you, mate, it’s called survival of the fittest, it’s called ‘fuck you – we’re the Riot Club’. Respect that. ‘Can’t have one rule for them and another rule for you’ – why not? Seriously, why the fuck not? We’re the fucking Riot Club. And we’ve hardly started, mate.
And her, stuck up bitch, fucking skank – you’re a prostitute, love, get on your knees. ‘Not doing that, it’s not in my job description’, ‘I’m a professional, ring my line manager’ – I’ll wring your fucking neck if you’re not careful. What, you’re too good for us? We’ve got the finest sperm in the country in this room, she should be paying us to let her drink it.
HARRY: Fuck yeah. Girls queuing round the block.
ALISTAIR: And these people think we’re twats. Are we going to sit here and take it, carry on taking it? Tonight of all nights?
GUY: The pâté tasted like jizz. There, I’ve said it.
HARRY: It fucking did.
ALISTAIR: This bourgeois outrage when we do anything, say anything. Lurking round every corner, trying to smoke us out. Anything we ever build or achieve, anything with the slightest whiff of magnificence – who the fuck are these people? How did they get everywhere, how did they make everything so fucking second-rate?
Thinking they’re cultured ’cause they read a big newspaper and eat asparagus and pretend not to be racist. Bursting a vein at the thought there’s another floor their lift doesn’t go up to, for all their striving. Honest, decent people hell-bent on turning this country to fuck.
‘You’re not allowed to do that’, ‘You can’t have that, that’s not fair’. You know what’s not fair? That we have to even listen to them. Thinking ’cause there’s more of them, they’re better when they’re worth their weight in shit – that’s not sweat on their palms, it’s envy, it’s resentment and it stinks like a fucking drain – I mean I am sick, I am sick to fucking death of poor people.
Interval.
ACT TWO
SCENE 1
The boys are eating pudding, faces close to large dishes
of eton Mess.
ED: So my mother and father are stuck in this tiny little sitting room upstairs, huddled round a gas fire, rooms all round them getting opened to visitors ’cause they’ve got some cunting tapestry or William of Orange slept there. Next time I go back they’ll have stuck my parents in the fucking Buttery.
HARRY: Same at mine, mate.
ED: Held to ransom by the National Trust.
HARRY: Board of Trustees.
ED: Guides walking through the house saying ‘we restored this room last year’ as if it’s theirs.
ALISTAIR: Shameful.
HARRY: Last time I was home this guide woman – I think she must have been new – she told me I couldn’t go behind one of the ropes. I said yes I can it’s my house.
ED: Fucking sick of it.
TOBY: The fucking. Wankers.
TOBY drinks.
GEORGE: Haven’t people always wanted a look inside big houses? We’ve always had visitors.
HUGO: They’re not visitors now, they’re customers.
HARRY: Every year it’s thinking of new ways to get the punters in. Used to be just the summer, now they’ve got this German Christmas craft fair.
ED: Yeah, we’re having that. Shitty wooden toys.
HARRY: Whole place smells of cinnamon.
ED: We’re having Husky races this year.
HARRY: And endless film crews, fucking Jane Austen.
HUGO: Sex and Sexibility.
ED: We’ve got to reschedule my sister’s wedding because it clashes with the teddy bears’ picnic and they’ve already done the leaflets.
It’s so grubby.
ALISTAIR: Yeah, exactly – we’re all bending over backwards.
MILES: It’s all about bears with you, isn’t it?
HUGO: The age of compromise…
ED: It’s an important collection.
JAMES: It’s good, isn’t it, if they want to visit? What history’s for.
HUGO: No, because – no, Leighton, it’s not their history. These are – these are private houses, family homes. And they were built by people who knew how to actually live, people with a bit of –
I mean men who built things big, so big you look at them now and think god, how many people did that take to –
And lived unapologetically, that’s the thing. Defended themselves if they needed to, I mean they wrote the history of this country in their own blood. Built these houses as proof of their, their magnificence because they were proud of who they were and what they stood for.
Now they’re trampled through by people only there for the cream tea and the novelty thimble.
