by Debra Kayn
Bear led her down the alley. She looked up at the balconies, behind her, and in front of her. They were alone.
She grabbed his hand and stopped him. He gazed at her intently. She watched his eyes flicker between both her eyes as if he tried desperately to see inside her head. Wanting to give him more, she reached up and stroked his whiskered cheek.
He steeled himself against her touch. She exhaled, feeling awful. The pain she'd caused could never be taken back. All she could do was try and comfort him.
"What are you doing?" he asked gruffly.
She flinched at his defensive tone. Stepping away, she patted her pockets and held up her empty hands shaking her head. All the ways she communicated with Bear were gone. She needed to go up to her room and grab her phone, but then it'd be too late to see him, and she wanted to make their time together in broad daylight last longer.
Bear pulled out his phone and handed it to her. She sagged in relief, pulled up a text window, and tapped away.
"I'm sorry I refused to talk with you. It was wrong of me to cut you off from contacting me when you've done nothing but be kind to me." She walked a few feet away, trying to find the words to explain herself. "All I wanted to do was think about what I'm doing with my life. All of a sudden, I had work to worry about and saving my reputation with the Network, because every time I turned around, I broke the rules to be with you. You...we moved way too fast. I can't grasp what is going on between us beyond how I feel when I'm with you. The harder I try to figure out everything, the more confused I get. I know one thing for sure, I don't want to cut you out of my life, except I'm leaving in a month, and I don't think what we're doing will help the situation. I would never ask any man to overlook what I do for a living. It'd be unfair of me. You might want me to entertain you for a few more weeks, but I'm not the kind of woman you would ever love. So, maybe it's better we don't sneak around to see each other or talk on the phone. It's better if we forget about liking each other."
She held out the phone for Bear, changed her mind, and typed more.
"No, that's not what I want either. I like you, Bear. Selfishly, I want to spend every night with you until I leave because when you're around, I forget who I am. You make me look forward to tomorrow. I'm afraid though that it's going to break my heart to walk away in four weeks and that's why I want to protect myself. I've never felt this way before. I don't even know if those wonderful feelings are real or my imagination. Whatever is going on between us is making me crazy."
She thrust the phone at him before she changed her mind.
Bear read her message without looking at her. When he finished, he shoved the phone in his vest pocket. "Go inside the building. Turn on your fucking phone. We'll talk later. I need to go back to the doctor's office."
She lifted her gaze.
She'd spilled her heart, and he wanted to send her away?
Without any phone or notepad available to force him to listen, there was nothing else she could do. She walked to the back of the building, climbed the stairs, and knocked on the door. Tiff let her inside, and she walked straight to her room.
Worse than Bear refusing to respond after spilling all of her feelings out in the open, she realized in four weeks she wouldn't be suffering from a broken heart.
She hurt right now.
Chapter Sixteen
By the time Bear walked the last two Red Light ladies back to the Sterling Building, he'd worked himself into a fucking heart attack.
He hopped on his Harley and rode away from the building, knowing if he stayed he'd only cause more trouble to land in Madison's lap. What he wanted to tell her had to be said in private because he wasn't going to give her a chance to interrupt him.
At every crossroad, a car pulled out in front of him. He downshifted, revving his engine at the delay. Checking his side-view mirror for cops and finding none, he passed three cars on the right, cut through the gas station, and opened his throttle, making it to the Moroad Motel within five minutes.
He parked and walked straight to his motel room. His body shook at the overload of adrenaline. He stood in front of the refrigerator and grabbed a cold beer in an attempt to calm down.
When he'd read Madison's message all he wanted to do was tell her to shut the fuck up. He pulled a long drink. Living on instinct his whole life, he never second-guessed himself.
If her plan included convincing herself she couldn't achieve what she wanted, she'd done a damn fine job. He grunted and took another drink. He suspected Madison had never done a selfish thing in her life. She'd stood in front of him practically begging him to give her permission to grab what she wanted.
As if she needed someone to tell her to go out and be happy.
She had one life, one chance, one moment to take what she deserved, and if shit happened afterward, she'd survive knowing she tried her damnedest. He drank from his beer, confident of her ability to achieve whatever she wanted.
Knowing Madison, she'd bend over backward to put everything she had into making it work. He had enough confidence in her strength, he'd fight for both of them.
He stepped over to the chair with his phone in one hand and a half-empty bottle in the other. His feelings about Madison caused more turmoil in his life than any crime he'd committed or any judgment against him. He couldn't promise life would be easy for either one of them if she decided to take a chance with him.
Tired of going alone, he wanted softness in a harsh world, a warm body on a cold night, and he wanted the sweet whistle of a happy woman reminding him he had a purpose and something to look forward to, and Madison could give him all that and more.
He finished the beer and set the bottle on the floor by the leg of the chair. A text took too long for him to type and the way his fingers shook, he'd fuck it all up and make things worse. He needed to tell her straight out what he thought, and he'd make damn sure she listened.
His leg rapidly jumped, causing his heel to tap repeatedly against the carpet. He smoothed down his beard and called her phone.
When the ringing stopped, and he was sure Madison had connected the call, he said, "Stay on the phone, sweetheart. I have something to say, and I want you to listen. I could tell you you're nice, you're beautiful, you're sexy, and that's not going to mean much to you. The only thing you need to know is I'm not giving up on you. I've told you I'm not walking away because of what you do for a living, and I meant every word. You probably hear shit all the time about how everyone wants you."
Total silence came over the phone. All the times he'd been with Madison, he never wished for her to have a voice. She communicated to him perfectly without speaking, and he enjoyed slowing down, taking his time, waiting to hear what she thought. But as the soft thumping of his boot hit the carpet, and he craved hearing her opinion, he decided he'd give up his Harley to hear her tell him she understood.
"All I can tell you is the second I saw you standing outside the door to your room and watched something come over your face as if...I don't fucking know. You looked content as if everything you needed was right there ready to jump into your arms if you opened the door. I was feeling the same thing, just looking at you, sweetheart. I don't know what you were seeing or what you were thinking, but I want you to see me and think about me, and feel the way you did that day. I want you to walk through the fucking door to me."
He stood, agitated. Explaining himself never came easily. He rather his actions proved his point and kept the bullshit out of his life.
"I guess what I'm telling you is I'm not walking away because of what you do for a living. I want you. The you that you were last week. The you that you'll be tomorrow. And, I want to be there for you, and in return I'd feel damn lucky if you give what we've got going a shot. You've got a month left to work. I want that month, and we'll keep things going the way they are. You can get to know me better if that's what you need. I have questions, and you've got questions. Give us time to find the answers together."
He stepped over to the window and
pulled back the curtain. Several of his MC brothers were out at their bikes. "You could have any man, sweetheart. That's the God's honest truth, but I'm asking you to look at me. I've done my share of bad things. People look at me and walk on the other side of the road, and if you're with me, I can't guarantee people won't look at you without wondering what you're doing with a felon. I'd make sure no one would hurt you or touch you. I'm going to swing by tonight, and I hope like hell you're out on your balcony."
The rumble of motorcycles filled the air, coming into the motel room and invading his private life. He let the drape fall back in place. "I'm going to hang up, sweetheart. There're things I need to do with the club. Think about what I said, and I'll see you tonight."
He disconnected the phone. Madison distanced herself from those willing to accept her, and he stayed with those who had his back. He had no idea how to convince her to see things his way.
Chapter Seventeen
Bear climbed over the railing of the balcony. Madison lowered the privacy screen, blocking anyone else's view if they happened outside of seeing Bear. All the other nights when Bear had her stomach tied up in one pulsating ball of pleasure failed to compare to how she felt after listening to him confess his feelings over the phone earlier.
She verged on the edge of throwing up or throwing herself at him.
Standing on both feet, Bear faced her. Unable to read his expression behind his beard in the dark, she fiddled with the phone she held in her hand and where she had written her response to Bear regarding his phone call. He had to know everything about her before he made any decision he'd regret.
"Come here, sweetheart," he said, his voice rolling over her muddled thoughts and aching heart.
She walked into his arms and laid her head on his chest. Inhaling deeply, she soaked in the night air clinging to his vest and the excitement of having him here. Everything about coming to Federal and working for Red Light had been one new experience after another.
Bear cradled her head with his hand and held her close. She closed her eyes overcome with the need to protect herself and beg him never to let her go.
"God, you feel good against me." He whispered, "Thought I lost you."
She pulled back and brought the phone up between them. He had to understand. The sooner, the better.
"Okay, I'll read it, but let me sit down. I want you on my lap." He grabbed the chair, sat, and patted his thigh. "I want to make sure I can catch you if you get the idea to walk away from me."
She climbed on his lap and settled against him, finding the nook of his neck where her head fit perfectly. From the glow on the screen, she read her words back to her in silence, hoping she explained everything and gave him a clear view of what he was up against, and the baggage he'd be taking on if he stayed.
"So many times while listening to you on the phone, I wanted to hang up. Not because I didn't love hearing what you were thinking, but because I wanted to text you and tell you that you're a good man, Bear. I don't care about your past, and I think whatever decisions you've made, good and bad, were done for a purpose that had nothing to do with me. When I realized that, it also made me see things from your side regarding me."
Bear stopped thrumming her thigh with his thumb. She glanced up at him. He looked away into the distance, thinking, and she let him have time to prepare for what she wrote him next.
"If we were only going to be friends, I firmly believe we'd be great for each other, but I'm a prostitute. My feelings go beyond wanting to be your friend. I want to have sex with you. I want to know if your touch makes the aroused feelings I have for you more intense and if I can enjoy myself. What I'm trying to say is I don't have orgasms while I work. I don't even enjoy having sex. There are times I hate it, but mostly I feel indifferent. That's something you have to understand. I don't feel anything. Everything is very routine, and because I don't know the men, sex has been something that I've conditioned myself to accept. It's a few minutes of someone putting their dick in my body. Nothing more."
Bear exhaled loudly. She straightened to give him space, and he looped his arm around her and pulled her back against him. "Hold on. You've said a lot, and I need to take it all in, then I'll finish reading."
"At one time I could make myself orgasm when I was alone, but over the last couple of years, I have no desire. That desire changed when I met you and when I'm with you all I can think about is feeling more. Those feelings make me want to be complete...for you. And to be honest, I don't know if I can have a normal relationship, but I've been thinking and I have a week between jobs after my contract with Red Light is over. I'd like to stay around Federal. I Googled, and there's a Federal Inn here. If you could book a room for me starting at the first of the month for five days and I give you the money, that'll give me time to find out if you'll change your mind about me and if a relationship is even possible. I will also only be with you, and you won't have to think about me with other men."
Bear looked down at her. She tapped the screen, needing him to finish before she went crazy.
"Now, I need something from you. A kiss. Please, kiss me and tell me, whatever happens, I'm not going to get hurt."
Bear set the phone on her lap, turned her head by cupping her face, and kissed her. He went in hard and deep, skipping the soft and gentle. His heart raced against her and matched her scared excitement. She pulled back and gasped for air, surprised at the instant acceptance from Bear. She'd expected reluctance and more talking. Instead, he gave her support and encouragement and approval.
"You're staying." He held her still. "The other shit, we'll get through it. I'm going to wait, because once you're with me, you're only with me. You need to get that through your head. If this works out, and it will, you're going to do what makes you happy, and that means you're not spreading your legs for money."
She had to work. Her limited options because of her muteness only gave her so many choices when it came to seeking employment, but she'd try anything if they could make their relationship work. If it meant she stocked shelves at a store or waitressed until she lost the job and had to find a new place to work, she'd do it. She wanted Bear in her life, and if he could overlook her past, she could risk losing her heart if he changed his mind after spending more time with her.
She nodded and kissed him softly. Not wanting to get up or him to leave, she cuddled against him.
Music from Silver Girls filled the growing silence, both of them caught in thoughts of the future. She couldn't wait until the end of the month. With Bear, she'd be free to walk outside, hold his hand, make him laugh without the constant reminder of her room three feet away and the many men she serviced. Maybe eventually, there would be times he'd forget she was a prostitute.
The thought thrilled and scared her. She had so much to lose and everything to gain.
Bear started whistling. She wrapped her arms around his broad chest, happier than she'd ever been. Visions of having all the time in the world to explore the different facades of Bear, to learn what made him into a man who never gave up excited her.
He'd lived a wild life, and the age difference between them brought major differences into play. She loved the thought of relying on him. Steady and pragmatic, he calmed her more irrational thoughts.
He came to her with a chivalrous pride not found in men her age. An almost extreme view of standing up for himself and others, truly believing his word meant everything as if he walked out of an old John Wayne movie and into her life.
She was the opposite. Her sole purpose focused on herself and preserving what life handed her. She'd settled for surviving, and gave up on pride.
He wanted to settle down.
She never had the ability to throw herself into a life away from working.
Before coming to Federal, she never dreamed of a normal existence. She had no idea how to be around others. Would others outside the Network know what kind of person she was and what she'd done for a living since she was eighteen years old?
Would
Bear decide communicating with her took too much work and eventually see her as a burden? She'd caught the looks, the eye rolls, and even the muttered rudeness from those who believed because she couldn't talk, she couldn't hear, that she had no feelings. They viewed her as inferior to a speaking person.
She slid her hand underneath Bear's beard and placed her palm on his upper chest. The questions kept coming at her. One doubt would come and another crept in to take its place.
She sat up, grabbed the phone, and typed. "Does it bother you that I can't talk?"
Bear chuckled. "Don't talk? Hell, sweetheart, you've told me more about what's going on inside your head than most people. I've never been big on talking to fill the silence, but with you, I'm sitting here spilling my guts."
She smiled.
Bear held on to her and rolled to his hip. "I got a call."
She climbed off his lap and walked to the other side of the balcony to give him privacy. He had friends and a biker club. She rubbed her arms, chilled from the knowledge that until Bear had called her this morning, she'd never received an actual phone call before. Everyone in the Network and the ladies she met working at the other bordellos always texted, knowing she wasn't able to verbally talk over the phone.
Even those messages were far and few between. She never reached out and connected with others, preferring to keep putting one foot forward to leave her past behind her. The further she got away from her toxic childhood, the easier she could forget.
"Yeah, I'll be there in a second." Bear disconnected the call. "Sweetheart, I need to get going. One of the dancers who belong to Moroad twisted her ankle while dancing and I need to take her back to the motel."
She stepped into his arms and gazed up into his face. That was the second time he'd mentioned women belonging to his bike club.
He kissed her, and she smiled, stroking his cheek before she mouthed, "Bye."
