I’d had a few phone sessions with Dr. Mia while I’d been away. I still hadn’t told her about April. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t make myself say the words. I still didn’t believe she’d be able to hang on through all my craziness. I wasn’t sure I could hang on.
April sighed. “Beau, I wish there was something more I could do for him. He’s so sad and angry.”
“Is he still in the group home?”
“Yes. I keep trying to get him into an actual home with foster parents, but no one will take him.”
“Is he talking?”
“No,” she said. “I go to see him at least a few times a week. I got him to play checkers with me, but he still didn’t talk. I wonder if you came back to see him if he would.”
“Consider it done. When we get back I’ll come up there.”
“Beau? Can I ask you a question?”
I hated questions. “Yes.”
“Are we . . . okay?”
This was exactly why being with her wasn’t a good idea. I was too damaged not to hurt her. “I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you. I haven’t been in a good place.” I knew I didn’t really answer her question, but it was as much as I could give.
“Why?”
I never in my life wanted to talk about the times when I wasn’t okay, but April made me want to explain. “There are . . . things . . . about me I can’t control. One of them is when I get down about something. It may not make sense to anyone else, but I can’t get out of my head.”
“I understand,” she whispered. “Was it because of us?”
“Sometimes I don’t know what triggers it. Other times, I do. This isn’t your fault, April. I’m just fucked up.”
“No you aren’t. Please don’t talk like that, Beau.”
“I am, April. There’s so much you don’t know. Things I don’t want you to know.”
“Don’t you get it, Beau? I want to know everything. I don’t care if you think it’s going to push me away or pull me closer. I want it all. Don’t hold back from me. I’ve missed you. I want to talk to you when you’re happy and when you’re sad, when you’re hopeful and when you’re down in the dumps. I’m not in this just for the good times. I’m in it for all the times.”
How could I not hold back from her? How could I tell her all the shit that was in my head? She’d run so far I’d never find her, and I wouldn’t blame her one bit. But her words made my resolve crumble a little bit. I felt so much better when I talked to her. Why hadn’t I done it more often?
“I’m sorry, April. This is so hard for me, opening up to someone. Please forgive me for sucking at this.”
“You don’t have to be sorry, Beau. I know how hard this is for you, but I want you to know how I feel. This isn’t conditional on you being happy all the time or shielding me from the bad stuff. I’m in, Beau. Do you hear me? I’m in.”
You are a worthless waste of space. No one will ever love you. No one wants you around.
I shook my head against the thoughts threatening to overtake me. April. Focus on April.
“I . . .” I wanted to tell her. The words were there, but I didn’t know how to say them. She was silent on the other end of the line, waiting patiently. “There are times when I hear voices. Well, mostly my mother’s voice, telling me I’m a worthless piece of shit—among other things.” Did I just say, I hear voices? You’re an idiot, Beau Oliver.
A small gasp came from her end of the phone line, but she said nothing, waiting for me to continue. Could I do this?
“My dad killed himself when I was five years old. He . . . suffered from depression as well as other things his entire life. I thought it was normal, having a dad who locked himself in his room sometimes and other times was the happiest person you ever met. I—I found him the day he killed himself.”
“Beau, can we video chat?”
I froze, my heart pounding like I’d seen a ghost. It was one thing to say it out loud and a whole other to see her beautiful face while I did it. “April . . .”
“Is it too hard?” I loved that she somehow got me.
“I wish it wasn’t, but I can’t right now. Okay?”
“Okay,” she said. “Tell me whatever you want. I’m here. I’m listening.”
“My mom . . . she took it so hard. Then when I started having trouble dealing with it, she took me for help. But a few years later, it was like something snapped. She’d say horrible things to me. It was like suddenly, she hated me. I looked like him and acted like him, so I was poison. This is why it’s hard for me to talk about it. I mean, at some point in her life she loved my dad, right? She loved him enough to see past his issues. But then it became too much for her, and she snapped. I don’t want to be a burden like that to anyone. Not to my sister, to you, or anyone.”
“I can understand why you’d think of it that way, but if you love someone, it’s not conditional. How did you end up in foster care?”
“I started having . . . episodes when I was eight. She couldn’t handle them. When I was twelve, she committed me to a mental institution.”
“This was the time you were sedated.” My heart soared. She remembered.
“Yes. She left me there and never . . .” My throat closed up. I attempted to work around it but I couldn’t. I hadn’t cried in years, probably since the days after Natalie and I realized she wasn’t coming back.
“You haven’t seen her since?”
I shook my head, wishing for a moment we were video chatting. “No. She left Natalie with our neighbor and me in the hospital. It took a few days, but when they figured it out, they called social services.”
“So you don’t know where she is now?”
“I don’t care to know where she is,” I answered. “I live with her, every day inside my head. She never leaves me.”
A strangled cry came from April’s line. “I want you to do something the next time her voice resonates in your head. Can you do that, Beau? For me?”
“I’ll try. It isn’t quite that easy to get rid of her.”
“I want you to think about my lips against yours at the park. About the way we look at each other. Think of my fingers wrapped with yours. Know that all I see is a beautiful, handsome, talented man that I . . .” April broke off, clearing her throat. “I care about. Every time she tries to turn something ugly, I want you to think of something beautiful. Think of the two of us together, Beau. Can you do that?”
I thought back to the park, April straddling me as we kissed, caressed, and held on to each other. I thought about every single time I’d been with her, the way she made me feel and the words she said. Words could hurt. They could cut you like a knife, leaving you bleeding out on the floor. I’d been bleeding for too long.
But with April, words could heal. They could start sewing back together the holes that had been gaping for so long. Why I was so much more inclined to believe the hateful things said about me rather than the good?
“I’d like that. April . . .”
“I’m here, Beau.”
“I want you to help me be the man you see me as,” I said.
She sighed. “You already are the man I see you as. I need you to believe you’re that man.”
“I’ve missed you. I can’t wait to see you again.”
“Oh Beau. I can’t wait, either. I’m going to be there waiting for you the second you pull into your driveway.”
I rubbed my chest, wondering what the fullness in my heart meant.
We were seconds away from pulling in to our studio. I was only minutes away from seeing April again. This month had been the most exhausting one of my life. I had no idea how Bex and Johnny were still hanging in there with two small children. Our tour had been more successful than we could ever have imagined, but we were more than ready to be done traveling.
“Is she coming to our house?” Natalie asked me from across the table. There was no need for me to ask who she was talking about—I knew. In the last week, I’d spoken to April multiple times a day. My
phone was physically attached to my body at this point. I nodded, and she smiled at me. “I’m going to work at the studio for a while.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I said.
“I know,” Natalie answered, but I knew she’d do it anyway.
What a difference a week made. Natalie and I had had a huge heart-to-heart after my first initial conversation with April. She’d convinced me to talk to Dr. Mia about my newfound relationship with April, and I had. To say Dr. Mia was shocked I’d been keeping April from her was an understatement. She’d had an inkling something was up with me but knew I wouldn’t tell her until I was ready. She’d had no idea it was a woman, however.
She’d encouraged me to continue to open up as much as I felt comfortable with April, and I had. I’d told April a lot of the things that reverberated around my head during my low times, and the things that my mother’s voice said that kept me from fully enjoying my life. We’d talked about what my medications did to help me and that I hoped to be able to function without them someday.
My drumming had been off the chain. I’d gotten up in front of the crowd in Atlanta and spoken before giving out my drumsticks. I think our fans were just as shocked as I had been, though I didn’t say much. But the fact I’d spoken had been trending on social media. April said she’d watched YouTube videos of me up there breaking out of my box.
The bus stopped and the doors opened. I grabbed my bag and jumped down the three steps, holding my arms out as I welcomed the hot Florida sunshine on my face. Natalie followed right behind me, then Trevor. Johnny and Bex were climbing out of the other bus. Johnny held Jaden, while Lennox jumped around in front of them.
“We’re home!” Lennox shouted. “I want to see my toys! My house! My room!”
I knew the feeling. I jumped in my car, and with a wave, sped off toward home, surprised to realize I wasn’t at all nervous.
I careened the car into the driveway and shoved it into park. The second I stepped out of my car, April stepped out of hers. She was in a pair of short jean shorts and a tank top. Her dark hair was in a low ponytail and a few pieces had escaped, framing her face as the wind blew. She was the most beautiful fucking thing I’d ever seen in my life.
I didn’t waste one second being timid about her reaction to seeing me after a month. I strode to her with purpose and grabbed her, burying my face in her neck as she wrapped her arms around me. She smelled the same. God, I’d missed that scent.
“Beau.” Her fingers scratched through my hair, just like I loved. “I missed you so much.”
I lifted her and carried her into my house, kicking the door shut behind me and pushing her against it. I’d been thinking about this the whole time I’d been gone, and I couldn’t stop now. I was forcing the insecurity away and taking what I wanted. What I hoped she wanted as badly as I did.
I took her mouth with mine, my tongue meeting hers as my body pinned her to the door. She moaned into my mouth as I pressed my erection into her stomach. I wasn’t blowing in my pants this time. I was ready. My fingers traced the edge of her shorts and the edge of her shirt. I lifted it past her bra. We broke our kiss, our eyes connecting as I lifted her shirt and tossed it behind us.
April ran her hands under my shirt, sending my body into a frenzy at her touch. I was so hard it was painful. She threw my shirt with hers, and we both stood there, our emotions as naked as our bodies were about to be. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking or where she wanted to go from here until she reached behind her and unhooked her bra. When it hit the floor at our feet, I sucked in a breath. Her full breasts called to me, and I reached both hands out and cupped them, my thumbs caressing her taut nipples.
Her eyes fluttered closed as I continued to rub my fingers on her nipples. She reached for me, her soft fingers running along the ridges of my muscles and to the button of my shorts. Our eyes met again as she unbuttoned them, pushing them down until they puddled on the floor. Her eyes left mine to zero in on my obvious attraction to her.
I begrudgingly took my hands from her breasts, unbuttoned her shorts and helped them join mine on the floor. We both stood, her in her sexy black thong and me in my boxer briefs, open and bare to each other.
“Are you sure?” April was giving me an out. She was always giving me an out.
I lifted her in my arms and carried her to my room, locking the door behind us. I laid her out on my bed and stared at her, in awe that she was here, and my dreams were coming true. I slid her thong down her legs and dropped it to the floor. I lifted her leg and kissed her from her foot up to her inner thigh. The closer I got, the more she wriggled.
I’d never done this part before, but I knew enough to know how. The second I touched her slick lips with my finger, April groaned. “Beau . . .” My name falling from her lips while my fingers were inside her had my already rock hard shaft pulsing behind my boxer briefs. I dipped my head, running my nose along her sex. My fingers moved in and out of her as I took her clit into my mouth and sucked.
“Oh, my . . .” April moved her head back and forth, gripping the comforter with her hands as I continued to worship her with my mouth. By her reaction, I guessed I wasn’t half bad at this.
When her legs began to clench around my head, I backed off, kissing up her stomach to each of her breasts. Before I could continue, April sat up and pushed me over, her hands making quick work of my boxer briefs. As I sprung free, she hissed through her teeth. Her hand closed over me, pumping me hard first, then soft.
My eyes fluttered closed. I hadn’t been touched in so long . . .
Memories of the only other time I’d been in this situation came into my head without warning, but I opened my eyes and watched as April kneeled over me, watching her hand pump me. April was different. She wasn’t Robyn. This was different. I knew it was, and I wasn’t going to compare. April wasn’t going to leave me. She took my shaft into her mouth, and I cursed a line of expletives as her warmth overtook me. I concentrated hard on not blowing. I couldn’t do that. Not yet. I had to enjoy this for as long as possible.
After concentrating became not enough to hold me back, I moved her off me and settled her back onto my bed. I climbed over her. Sweat trickled down my chest and forehead, and her chest glistened.
“You are so beautiful.” I took her lips before she could respond. She hooked one of her legs around my backside and pushed me closer to her, using one hand to stroke my manhood and the other to grip the back of my neck as we kissed.
“I need you,” she whispered against my lips. “Now. Please. Skin on skin. I’m clean and on birth control.”
My eyes rolled as I settled myself at her entrance. “I’m good, too,” I grunted. Our lips met again as I slid into her heat. I stilled, waiting for a second to acclimate to her tight wetness. It was fucking heaven, right here and now. I could now die a happy man.
She moaned as I filled her, her hands finding my ass and pulling me closer to her. We moved in tandem, our tongues moving with our bodies as we made love. And that’s what this was. I knew what fucking was. I’d had that before. I’d seen it many times. But as April gripped me from the inside, I lifted her hands and entwined mine with them. I opened my eyes and saw her watching me, but I didn’t have the urge to look away. We moved together, our soft moans and kisses the only sound in the room. We never broke eye contact.
“Beau.” April sighed, loosening her hands from my grip and touching my face. “You feel so good . . .”
That was all it took and I let go, filling her as she cried out my name again, scratching her nails down my back as she came around me. I kissed her neck as we both came down. April ran her fingers through my hair as I licked and sucked her smooth skin. I’d never told her how much I loved that she did that, but I did.
“That was . . . amazing.” April sighed, moving her hands down my neck and scratching my back. “And quite a welcome home present. Unexpected . . . and the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced.”
Ever? I pulled back so I could see her
face. I traced my finger along her jaw. “I decided I needed to show you how much I thought about you while I was gone. I’m glad I did.”
April rolled us so she was laying on top of me, her body fitting against mine like it belonged there. “I like your way of showing me,” she whispered. Her fingers traced every outline of every tattoo covering my body, following each touch with a kiss. “I want to show you now.”
April
I LAY AWAKE, staring at Beau’s face as he slept. I couldn’t believe I was here; that we were here. After a month of doubting what was going to happen to us once he returned, every single fantasy I’d had came true. I was afraid to go to sleep for fear I’d wake up and this had all been a dream.
I stretched, my body deliciously sore. He’d told me he’d only slept with one other woman in his life, but damn that man was talented. But beyond that, he didn’t just have sex with me. No. He made love to me. He used his body to tell me words he couldn’t say. The way he laced his fingers with mine as we moved together or the way his lips moved against mine was so much more than sex. When we’d showered, eaten dinner, and he’d told me he wanted me to stay, there wasn’t a moment of hesitation when I’d agreed.
The bathroom light was still on, giving me an unbridled view of Beau’s body. He was magnificent. Between the muscles of his arms, chest, stomach, and back and the colorful ink that covered him, I could stare at him for the rest of my life and not tire of it.
When I’d seen him fly into his driveway and stride toward me like a man on a mission, I’d been hopeful. We’d come so far over the last ten days of his tour. But never had I thought he’d pick me up and take me inside his house and put me against the door, stripping me of not only my clothes but any lingering doubt I had about how he felt.
I lifted my hands and touched my lips, puffy from the hours of kissing we’d done. I reached out and touched his lips, feeling his breath as he slept. I knew he had to be exhausted after sleeping on a tour bus for a month. Natalie had come home when we’d been eating earlier. She’d taken one look at us—me in Beau’s shirt and my shorts, both of our hair wet from showers—and grinned. We’d had a silent conversation, and she’d left us in the kitchen.
Snared (Jaded Regret #1) Page 13
