“Yes?”
“Is this . . . is this what it’s like to have a dad?”
My heart clenched. You’re a worthless piece of shit, just like him. You should kill yourself, too. You shouldn’t even be here. I tapped my fingers on the rail in front of me as we waited, trying to control my breathing and push the voice right out of my head.
“I don’t know,” I said truthfully.
Robbie bit his lip, nodding his head. “We have that in common. Well, we can pretend, right? Hey, we can pretend I’m your kid.”
I lay back on the table. “Are you sure?” The doctor looked over at the nurse and then back to me. “You’re so young.” I closed my eyes, seeing visions of my dad swinging from the doorway, a belt wrapped around his neck. “Do it,” I said. “Just do it.” I couldn’t ever do that to someone else. I wasn’t taking the chance.
April must’ve sensed my stress or had seen my body language because she appeared next to us. “Everything okay?” She spoke low enough for just me to hear.
I needed her. I knew myself enough to know things were headed south in a big way. “April,” I barely got out. She turned and pressed her body against mine, wrapping her arms around me.
“Beau.” Her sweet breath caressed my face with her words. “Open your eyes and see me standing here, supporting you.” I fought to listen to her and stop the downward spiral that was imminent. “Come on. Whatever it is, let it go. We’re here together. We’re having fun doing something you’ve always wanted to do.”
When my eyes stayed closed, her lips touched mine and her fingers went through the short hair on the sides of my head. “It’s almost your turn. Robbie is watching us. Come on, Beau. Let it go.”
That was when I felt a small hand on my arm. “Beau? Are you sick?”
Fucking worthless waste of space.
I forced my eyes open. April’s concerned face was the first thing I saw. I looked down at Robbie, who was watching me with an understanding that shredded me. This child shouldn’t understand what I felt like. He should never know the pain that lived inside of me.
“It’s our turn,” he said.
I turned away from April, but she gripped my arm. “Beau.”
“I’m okay.” I brushed my lips against hers. “Thank you. I needed you.”
April nodded, smiling down at Robbie. As we walked away, I heard her whisper, “I need you, too, Beau.”
We pulled into the group home and stepped out of the car. Robbie led us into the house. We’d spent almost the entire afternoon there, riding go-karts over and over, playing mini golf, and playing video games until we’d had enough tickets for Robbie to get an enormous stuffed dog he’d had his eye on since we’d walked in. I’d never seen a kid look more thankful in my life than when we handed him that huge dog. Then again, who knew what kinds of presents he’d ever gotten. He’d clutched onto that thing the whole ride home. Every time I would glance at him, he was gazing out the window, the picture he held in his other hand.
We’d eaten more junk food than I ever wanted to see again. He’d had a blast. By the end, he’d been talking in full sentences not just to me, but to April as well. It might’ve had something to do with the affection she and I had shown each other, but she seemed to think he felt safe.
I had no idea why he felt safe with me, but the kid was something else. He wasn’t the angry, threatening child he came across as to everyone else. He didn’t have a mean bone in his body. He was in pain and didn’t know what to do about that. He’d never had any stability or someone who loved him the way he should’ve been loved.
Like me. I could’ve been describing me. I’d thought, as a small child, that my life was perfect. My daddy had taught me to play drums and loved me; I had a big sister who was bossy but my best friend, and my mommy read me stories and kissed me goodnight.
The day that his life ended had been the end of my childhood as I knew it.
“I’m going to put this in my room,” Robbie said. “Will you stay for a minute?” He looked back and forth between both of us.
April nodded. “Of course. We’ll be out here.”
We watched as Robbie disappeared. “Beau.” I could tell her throat was thick with unshed tears by the way she spoke. “Today was amazing. Thank you for thinking of doing this with him. I think it made all the difference in the world. Robbie—there’s hope for him.”
“Yes, there is. You have to get him out of here, April. He needs a real family. Someone who will love him.”
One tear slid down her cheek, but she wiped it away before I could get to it. “I’m trying, Beau. I am. I want that for him so badly. He has to show that he wants it, too.”
I nodded, knowing that was true but also knowing that Robbie was terrified and wouldn’t open up to just anyone.
Robbie flew into the room, silencing us both. When he still saw us there, he stopped, a smile playing on his lips. The way he’d run in here, it was like he didn’t believe we’d still be there even after we said we would. Trust. His trust had been so broken in adults he didn’t believe we’d still be here.
“Beau.” Robbie appeared in front of me.
“Yes?” I crouched down so I looked straight into his eyes. I noticed he had taken his jacket off.
“Will you come with me for a second? I want to show you something.”
April beamed, nodding her head at me in approval. I knew this was huge. Whatever he wanted to show me I’d be grateful for because I knew it was difficult for him to do this.
“Of course.” I stood up and held out my hand. “Show me.”
Robbie glanced back at April, but we both knew what the look meant. You stay here. She took the hint and waved to us just as Trent walked up next to her. He watched wide-eyed as Robbie pulled me into the room he shared with many other boys.
“This is my bed.” Robbie climbed onto a bottom bunk. “Tristan sleeps up there because he’s ten and I’m only nine, so he says he’s the boss.” He rolled his eyes like it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard and I stifled a laugh.
I settled on the edge of the bed, waiting for him to continue. “I can’t sleep at night,” he said. “I miss her.”
I sucked in a breath at his admission. I wasn’t cut out for this . . . type of talking. I had nothing to say that could make him feel better, so I said nothing.
“I don’t know why I do. She wasn’t a good mom. I mean . . . I think she loved me, but how do I know?”
“Robbie, do you want to get out of here?” I indicated around us.
“Yes.” His lip wobbled and fear sliced through my gut. If he cried, what the hell would I do? “I hate it here.”
“You have to stop freaking out then,” I said. “You’ll make families afraid of you.”
Tears welled up in his eyes. I needed April. I willed her to show up at the doorway. “I-I can’t.”
“You can’t?”
He shook his head as two tears streaked down his freckled face. “I don’t mean to. Just—something happens inside me.”
It was like I was on the outside of my body, watching as I picked up the chair and hurtled it at my teacher. Words I’d never said came from my mouth. I saw the other children staring at me in fear, cowering together as I destroyed everything in my path. What was I doing? Why was I doing it?
“Robbie, when you feel like that, I need you to find something that calms you. Do you have something that calms you?”
He reached over and picked up a little square that looked like a piece of paper. “This. But it doesn’t always work. Sometimes I’m too upset for it to matter.”
He turned the little square toward me, and that’s when I realized what it was. It was the picture that had started the meltdown weeks ago, the one he carried with him everywhere and didn’t let anyone see. He was going to show it . . . to me.
The picture seemed like it had been through the washing machine a few times and was so faded and cracked I could hardly make it out. It was Robbie; that was for sure. He looked
to be a few years old and was grinning from ear to ear, his arms wrapped around the woman’s neck. My eyes shifted to the woman holding him, and the breath left my lungs in a whoosh. The room spun as my brain registered what my heart couldn’t seem to understand. There was no way. It wasn’t her. No fucking way. My head was playing tricks on me. I closed my eyes and then reopened them, but the image was still the same. It was her. I hadn’t seen her in ten years, but that didn’t matter.
Visions of her sinking on top of me, riding me with reckless abandon flashed in my memory. Her long, dark hair had fallen in front of her face, brushing my chest as she moaned my name. I’d never seen her again after that morning, but there was no doubt it was her in this picture. I’d studied her so often when we worked together that I’d know her face anywhere.
Robbie watched me with both curiosity and slight alarm. I studied him—really studied him. His dark hair and large dark eyes. The smattering of freckles across his face. The way his head ran away with him and he couldn’t control it . . . he was nine years old.
“W-was your mom’s name Robyn?”
Robbie smiled. “Yes! How did you know that?”
I stood, the picture clutched in my fingers. The room spun, and the voices came from everywhere at once, making me squeeze my eyes closed against them. No. No. I barely registered his small voice somewhere around me, calling my name.
This wasn’t happening to me. It wasn’t true. This was my brain’s way of fucking with me. I’d wake up from this idiotic nightmare in a few seconds and be next to April, her hand in mine.
April. Where was she? My eyes squeezed shut, and my chest heaved. I felt myself slipping deeper and deeper, my mind losing the battle. I tapped my fingers and the photo fell to the floor. My head disconnected, and my eyes flung open, taking in Robbie’s scared expression. I had to get out of here.
I ran from the room, flinging the door back so hard I heard it crack and bounce back from the wall. I made my way through the living room, not seeing anything. Sweat dripped from my face, and my fists clenched at my sides. My lungs tingled with the lack of oxygen circulating through my blood. I knew there were people in the room, but I couldn’t register anything about them. Everything was a blur.
I was a fucking curse. She’d been right all along. I’d fucked up, and now someone else’s life had been affected because of me. I should’ve died with my dad all those years ago. My life wasn’t worth anything. I had to take care of this for once and for all. No one else would suffer because of me.
The bright sunlight flooded my eyes as I ran out the front door. I heard noise coming from behind me, but I couldn’t stop now. The voices were screaming in my head, and it was time to quiet them once and for all. My existence on this earth was a mistake, and I was nothing but poison to everything I touched.
I reached the busy street and stood, my arms outstretched, in the middle of oncoming traffic. The familiar feeling of floating above myself came over me, and I watched from above, the sounds of cars honking and people yelling muted like I’d hit the button to silence them. My curses and shouts were just echoes in my ears. I wanted the fuck out of here.
Beau Anderson ceased to exist.
The empty shell of him was unraveling and would never come back.
April
“TRENT, CALL 9–1-1!” I ran to the edge of the road. Trent turned back to the house and sprinted inside. “BEAU! Come here!” Terror laced my voice. What the hell happened? One second Beau was following Robbie to his room and the next he had been tearing out of the house, panic all over his face.
Beau was unreachable. He didn’t see me or hear me. He was screaming and cursing, his arms outstretched in the middle of traffic. At this point, cars had stopped, many of them watching the scenario unfold, but just as many trying not to hit the man who had gone over the edge. God, I hoped none of them recognized him and started posting videos or pictures. That was all he needed. Beau was a private person and would never be okay with this getting out to anyone.
I took off across the road, my heart thumping so hard I thought it might jump out of my chest. When I reached him, I stopped a few steps away to assess what I could do to diffuse the situation. His eyes were closed and he was covered in sweat. He was gasping for air as he screamed words I couldn’t understand. Bile choked my throat as it threatened to come up. I shook from head to toe, adrenaline running through my veins as my mind raced, trying to think of how I could stop this from happening.
Just when I was about to reach out for him, he turned and took off running. Where the hell was he going? I wasn’t wearing shoes suitable for running, but that sure as hell wasn’t going to stop me. I hit a button on my phone as I ran, screaming at Trent that he was on the move and to call the police. Sobs tore through my chest as I ran, continuing to beg Beau to stop. It was futile. He wasn’t hearing me.
As much as I wanted to be able to find a way to stop him, it seemed like I didn’t have the tools to do so. When Beau turned at the end of the block, I knew just where he was going. I gasped, my legs burning and my heart about to explode. Tears blinded my vision, but I ran anyway. I’d never been so scared in my life, and I’d seen some scary things in my job.
“NO!” I shouted. “PLEASE, Beau! Stop!”
He either didn’t hear me or didn’t care, because he picked up his pace and moved faster once he saw what he had been aiming for. My phone was clutched in my hand, but I didn’t know who to call to help me. No one could help me now. Natalie was too far away. It was all on me. I had to be the one to save his life.
He reached the park that bordered the river and started running faster than before. He was headed for the bridge. Where the hell were the police? This couldn’t happen. I couldn’t let it happen. My lungs burned, and my legs felt like they were going to give out at any second, but I pushed faster and harder. My eyes were clouded with tears, and my heart ached.
Beau slowed as he reached the bridge, so I was able to catch up with him. I skidded to a stop, my chest heaving. I wanted to run up and grab him, holding on to him until the police arrived and we could make sure he was safe, but I knew he was way stronger than me, and I was scared of what he would do if I tried. I paced, saying his name over and over as I hoped and prayed for him to turn around and take me in his arms. I prayed to every god that might be out there to give me the right things to say to get him to turn around and see me standing here, ready to do anything and everything he needed.
His hands were on the back of his head as he paced at the edge, the same unintelligible sounds still coming from his lips. He pulled his hand back and punched the concrete as hard as he could. The crack of the bones in his hand breaking made me wince, but he didn’t even flinch.
“Beau.” I had to try. “Listen to me. It’s me. April. I’m here for you. Whatever happened, whatever is wrong, we will work through it together.” My voice cracked, and tears flowed down my face again, dripping down my chin and onto my shirt. I didn’t bother wiping them away anymore. He was still pacing the edge, now holding on to what must be a broken hand and ignoring me. Shit. He broke his hand. He was a drummer. He’d never want to break his hand.
“Everything is going to be okay. Beau, you mean so much to me. You’re an amazing man, do you know that? When you’re on the stage, you’re an enigma. But that’s not the Beau I love being around. Today, at the go-kart track? Seeing your face when you were whipping around that track made me so happy. Lying in bed with you, watching you sleep, makes me feel safe and protected. The way you look at me and kiss me? You are more than you even realize, Beau. Hear me, Beau. Please. I’m begging you. Don’t do this. It’s not what you want.”
He bellowed as he pulled on his hair with his good hand, but didn’t acknowledge I had spoken. I couldn’t take this. He was shredding every single part of me from the inside out. I hoped to God help was coming. I wanted to be the person who stopped him, but I didn’t think I could.
“Beau. I’m here for you. I’m standing right here.”
&n
bsp; There was no indication Beau heard a single word I said, and I was too scared to get any closer to him. I had to force my feet not to run to him and wrap myself around him, but I knew better. When someone was in the place where Beau was right now, doing something rash would only be dangerous to us both.
When I saw three police cars careening into the parking lot, followed by an ambulance, I breathed out in relief. Just as I turned back to watch Beau and make sure he stayed right where he was, he turned back to look at me once, his eyes dead, before holding out his arms and falling backward over the side of the bridge. It was seconds before I heard the splash, indicating he was in the water.
“NO!” I leaned over the side, my eyes searching for him. I couldn’t see him! My eyes frantically scanned the water, my heart in my throat. My head spun, stars appearing in my vision. No. I couldn’t pass out or freak out. Beau needed me, and I was going to be the one to find him.
Where the hell was he? The water was still . . . too still. “BEAU!”
The police skidded to a stop behind me. “HELP HIM!” I shouted. “He—he . . .” I collapsed to the ground, clutching my chest as my heart painfully contracted. I couldn’t take it. I sobbed and finally wretched, the contents of my stomach spilling out onto the concrete bridge.
The officer spoke into his radio, but I had no idea what he said. Three other officers appeared next to him. They’d now blocked the bridge so no one could come up there while they worked the scene. The scene. Beau had tried to kill himself. Hell, he might’ve succeeded. One of them walked up to me and helped me up. I wiped my mouth and attempted to settle my shaking nerves. “F-find him. H-he jumped. I c-can’t see him anymore.”
“We need divers,” one of them said into his radio. “We have a man who has jumped off the bridge. Suicide attempt.”
Suicide attempt. Suicide attempt. The words reverberated around my head. I couldn’t process what was happening right now. I covered my mouth with my hand, my entire body shaking as my eyes continued to scan the water. Come up, Beau. Come up and show me you’re okay. I need you to be okay.
Snared (Jaded Regret #1) Page 15
