by Logan Chance
There’s no turning back.
I fire off a text to him, so when he wakes up, he knows where I went.
An hour later, I sit in the office at work, replaying every movement, every touch of our…, what would you even call it? Love making? No, not that. Sex? Fucking…no it was more than that, I hope.
With worry and dread, I make it through my workday, afraid to check to see if he texted back. My arms are killing me when I leave work and head out to my car in the empty parking lot. I realize I’m being silly. It’s Ryan. He’s been a friend for ages. One night of sex won’t change that. Or maybe it will.
I survey my phone, and, no, he didn’t even reply.
11
Cryin’
“There is nothing so powerful as truth, and nothing so strange.” - Daniel Webster
Everyone doesn’t know what it’s like to be me. To live day in and day out with hell lurking on my doorstep, waiting for the perfect moment to enter. It’s like waiting for the storm on a calm, summer’s eve. But, I am anything but calm.
I’m terrified.
Knowledge is a scary thing sometimes. It makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do.
One night with Lizzy is all I wanted.
One night to hold with me forever. A night I will never forget when it all goes to shit. And I assure you, it will.
I called my father when I woke up alone, and told him I wasn’t coming in. Not because I didn’t want to, but because my head throbbed with the memory of last night.
I figured Lizzy had rushed off to work, and I was right when I saw her text stating just that. The rest of my day, I paced my apartment, counting steps like they taught us in the military.
Part of me wanted to rush over to Lizzy’s when I knew she’d be off work. But, I couldn’t make myself dial her number.
Being with her last night was a miracle. Her soft skin, the way she held me close, her lips…God. I fist my fingers through my short hair, and curse loudly.
What the fuck have I done?
I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t be with her. She has goals, ambitions, and I would only drag her down.
No one knows what I’m going through. Everyone believes the lie I’m adjusting back into my old life just fine. My parents keep asking me when I’m signing up for courses at the local college. Little do they know the answer is never.
Just last week, my father pulled me aside, in the back room of his shop. Rows and rows of freshly sandpapered boards lined the shelves, and I couldn’t break my gaze from them. Neat and orderly with a destination. He asked me what I had planned for my future, and I couldn’t answer.
Because what I had planned is completely at odds with what is planned for me.
Sometimes you can’t control your own destiny; it’s already decided for you.
I end up parking myself on the couch, watching a little TV when there’s a knock at my door. Slowly getting up, I open the door and Lizzy waits for me.
She pushes me aside, entering. “Move over, big boy, we’re having it out. Kitchen table. Now.”
Unsure of what she’s doing, I follow her.
“Let’s go,” she says, sitting in a chair and slamming her elbow on the pine wood.
My mood lightens, like it always does, when she’s around. “What are you doing?” I ask, sliding my hands in the pockets of my khaki shorts so I don’t grab her and throw her on the table to feast on her sweet pussy.
“Oh, no you don’t. Get over here and arm wrestle me.” She’s very demanding, and I’ll be honest…a tad bit scary.
I laugh. “Are you serious?”
“Dead serious. I’ve been blowing your phone up all evening. You won’t return my calls, so we handle this the ol’ school way.”
When Lizzy and I were kids, and we’d fight, we’d always settle everything over an arm wrestling match.
When we were younger she always gave me a run for my money, but once I gained some muscles she never stood a chance.
“Uh ok. You do realize you’re going to lose, right? I mean, look at these guns.” I flex my biceps, giving her a peep show to the gun show.
She rolls her eyes. “Oh, please. I’ve been practicing. I’m really good now.”
“Sure.” I take a seat across from her, planting my elbow on the table and locking my hand in hers.
“Ready?” she asks.
I nod, and she counts it down.
She’s strong, I’ll give her that, but please. I win, and her little nose scrunches in anger.
“Fuck, I didn’t realize how strong you are,” she says, biting the bottom of her lip.
It’s this innocent action which weakens me. “I’m sorry I didn’t call. Bad day I guess.” I rise from my seat and grab a beer from the fridge. “Want one?” I offer her.
She shakes her head. “Want to talk about it?”
“About the beer?” I deflect.
She rolls her eyes again, which turns me on in a major way, and I want to spank her for the action.
“No, your day,” she says.
To avoid sounding like a pussy, I ignore her question and head into the living room and park myself on the couch. Sure, I had a bad day. But, what reason could I give her? I was feeling pissed at the world, so I called out of work?
She follows me, sitting beside me. “Come on, Ry. We used to tell each other everything.”
“Just having a hard time adjusting to being home, I guess.”
“That’s very normal. Many veterans feel that way.” She places her hand on my thigh, circling her fingers along the fiber of my shorts.
“Yeah.” She’s probably looking for real answers here. She wants me to tell her things. Things I can’t face. I’d rather talk about the sex we had last night than to tell her about a single second of being overseas.
As if she can read my mind, she brings it up. “About last night. I thought…”
I cut in, “About that. I’m sorry. I should have never crossed that line with you. You’re my buddy.” Fuck, why would I say buddy? Is she going to assume I mean fuck buddy?
“Oh,” she answers in a soft tone.
Shit. “I didn’t mean it like that, Lizzy.”
“No, it’s ok. I get it.” But, she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t truly understand where my head’s at.
And I’m too chicken shit to say a word.
“You don’t get it, Liz. Come here.” I open my arms to her, and she snuggles in beside me. This is so perfect, fuck.
I shake my head. “When I was overseas, it was a lot of waiting for action. Actually, it was a lot of hoping and praying I’d get to use my gun and kill someone.”
“Oh,” she whispers, and I hope I haven’t scared her off.
“We train and train for action and for the first year, I saw none. We all grew restless. The sun was so hot. It was so damn miserable over there.”
“I’m sorry,” she says with sincerity.
I kiss the top of her head, a habit I could get used to. “I missed you a lot.”
She leans back into my arms, and I kiss the top of her head again. I need to stop, but her hair smells so good. It’s a smell I’d never tire of, like juniper berries. It brings me back to when we were younger and I could always tell when she was near by the smell of juniper berries.
“I missed you too,” she says with a smile. She’s so damn cute. Like really fucking cute.
I squeeze her, never wanting to let her go, but knowing damn well I should. “What about you? What were you doing while I was off defending the country?”
She taps a finger to her plump bottom lip. “Not much. School. I dated a few guys.”
I clench my teeth listening to her talk about other men. “Oh,” is all I offer up.
“Nobody that great.”
“I’m sorry.” Not really. I’m glad she’s not together with anyone. I really like her, and my heart crashes in my chest with the thoughts of never having her.
“Meh, I’m happier now,” she says with a shrug.
&n
bsp; “Are you?”
“Yeah.” She nuzzles in deeper to my side, and I kiss the top of her head, again. This time leaving my lips in her wild hair a bit longer than necessary. “Are you?” she asks.
“Right now, I am.”
“Did you finally get to see some action?”
She wants to know if I’ve killed anyone. Unlike my younger brothers, who just came right out and asked, she may not really want to know the answer.
“Yeah, I saw a lot. Action I wish I could erase.”
“Did you,” she pauses, “kill anyone?”
I raise my hand to my face, pinching the bridge of my nose before answering, “A few.”
“Oh. Was it hard?”
I chuckle for a second. “Killing or dealing with it?”
“Both, I suppose.”
“No,” I clip out. I want to tell her how I killed the men I did only because it was either them or me. Them or the men I called friends. But I remain quiet.
“I’m proud of you, Ryan.” She wraps her arms around my waist, her head still on my chest. “I really am. I don’t think I could handle it.”
“Who says I am?”
“You got a Purple Heart Medal, right? Don’t they only give those out to injured soldiers?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
She studies me, her eyes asking all the questions she won’t say aloud. She drags her hand along my face and leans up to plant her lips on mine.
I need to push her away, but the touch of her lips is something I can’t deny myself anymore. God, the things I want to do to her. One more night. Please.
Breaking the kiss, I stare into her heated eyes. Fuck, I’m so turned on. She repositions, straddling me, as she leans in for another kiss. I let her. I think I might always let her. I’m a moron.
She grinds her hot heat against my growing cock, and it’s getting harder and harder to deny her. I grip her ass in my hands, helping her along. “I need to taste you, Lizzy.” One taste.
“You can do whatever you want to me.”
I smooth her tresses back and claim her lips again. Her mouth tastes like heaven. I can only imagine what the rest of her will taste like. I’m dying to find out.
Lying her on her back on the couch, I move my hands to her shorts and slip them off with ease. She arches, and I nearly lose it. Her yellow, lace panties cover her sweet pussy from me, and I tug at them and lower them down her long, silky legs. She’s a kaleidoscope of beauty, with varying lights and shapes all phasing together to turn her into a work of art.
I spread her legs, and my cock hardens. “Take your shirt and bra off for me,” I command.
She complies, and the sight of her full tits has me eager and ready to get inside her again.
I lower my head, starting with her tits, licking and sucking each nipple into my mouth. My hands grip her hips as I work her body to new heights.
Making my way south down her body, I throw each leg over my shoulders. Her pussy greets me as I lower into her. Licking along her skin, her wetness coating my tongue, I bury my face between her legs.
“Oh God, Ryan.” Her fingers pull hair, and I don’t care if I go bald.
I clasp her clit between my lips, begging for more, as my heart beat slams around in my chest. My body is on fire, a deep burning that’ll never go out.
I fuck her pussy with my tongue. I fuck her whole pussy with my face, as she grinds over and over against me. With one hand running all the way up her stomach and the other reaching around her back, I turn her almost sideways as I go deeper and deeper. My cock throbs at the sounds she makes. My body comes alive with the way she moves. Fuck, this girl is perfect for me. I just wish I was perfect for her.
12
Lizard
“Love is friendship set on fire.” - Jeremy Taylor
I’m so close. I am so close. Close to coming. Close to giving this man my heart. Close to, hell, maybe even loving him.
I’ve never felt anything like this before, and it scares me.
I’m on the precipice of love and like. Or maybe it’s lust. Either way, I’ve got it bad for him.
Every touch brings me closer to the edge of my orgasm. I push myself harder against his face, tugging his hair in the process. “Fuck, Ryan,” I scream.
My body crashes and burns. Falls and takes flight. Dies a tiny death and is reborn. The best fucking orgasm I’ve ever had ripples through my body, propelling me into a new sense of feeling.
A feeling I didn’t know was possible.
My orgasm doesn’t stop and neither does Ryan. They both have other things in store for me as my body climbs and plummets all at once.
He lifts me from the couch, stalks to his bedroom, and tosses me on the bed. When he flips me over and smacks my ass, I go insane with desire.
“I’m nowhere near done with your sweet pussy yet,” he husks out while rolling a condom down his thick cock.
I so want this. I want everything he has to offer.
He grips my hips, lining me up with him. I wait for it with anticipation, knowing he works my body so good. He enters me, and my ravenous body kicks into high gear. Skin slapping, hair pulling, teeth grinding, and loud cursing come together in a sexual potpourri of magic and lust. A primal lust, one filled with two souls who have found each other in the insanity of this world.
I think a relationship can work. I’m willing to try. Hell, if I can get this type of animalistic fucking most nights of the week, I’ll do all the work.
He leans close to my ear, whispering, “Your pussy is so damn tight, little girl. It owns me.”
My chest explodes at his words, and tingles of the first wave of another orgasm light up my surface.
I can’t form any words to respond, instead I keep taking his thrusts and as he reaches around to toy with my clit. I lose every bit of control and come hard.
He palms my breasts, his body still rocking into me from behind. “Fuck, you’re perfect.”
In one fluid motion, he pulls out, flipping me over as he rips off the condom and comes all over my stomach. I rub it over my nipples as he groans out more of his release. “God, you’re sexy as fuck,” he says as his eyes roam over my body.
After we’ve calmed down, I hop into the shower to clean myself. When I return, Ryan is sprawled out, sleeping. Quietly, I nestle into his body and fall asleep.
Halfway through the night, I awake to Ryan sitting in a chair beside the bed, in the dim light. His chest rises and falls, and his thumb brushes over his jaw as he studies me through his thick eyelashes. I wrestle with the sheets a tad as I move my body, facing him. “What are you doing?”
“Memorizing you.”
My chest warms. “Come back to bed,” I say, reaching out my hand to him.
He crawls in beside me, wrapping his arms around me, spooning up behind me. We fall asleep, and I couldn’t be happier.
The next morning as birds chirp just outside the window, I stretch my body, taking a bit longer to wake up.
Ryan isn’t in bed, and I grab one of his old t-shirts to wear. I traipse down the hallway in search of him.
“What are you doing?” I ask, when I spot him in the living room, pacing from the leather couch to the far wall.
Startled, he drops the spiral notebook from his hand. With a grin, he says, “Nothing, just scouting my living room.”
“Oh, is the enemy present here?”
He laughs. “Maybe soon.”
I move toward him, wrapping my arms around his neck. With a light peck to his cheek, I smile. “You’re safe with me. I’ll protect you.”
He grabs me, leaning me over a bit, and plants a big kiss on my lips. After breaking the kiss, he whispers, “I might hold you to that one day.”
Our eyes lock, and heat sizzles between us. My heart bangs. My pulse quickens. “I hope so,” I whisper.
He kisses me again, deeper this time. My legs go weak all the way down to my toes.
Passion streams through us. He must feel this too. It can’t be just me.
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He sets me upright, and gives me that smile.
“Get dressed.” He slaps my ass, scooting me off in the direction of the bedroom.
“Why?”
“We’re going to have family day at the Wagner’s. Oh, it’s tons of fun. You remember growing up coming to a few, right?”
I scratch my head. “Yeah, I’m busy today.”
“No, don’t make me go alone.” He chases after me as I rush off down the hall.
I run into the bedroom. “Ryan, no don’t make me go.” I’m too slow because he picks me up, hauling me over his shoulder.
“If I have to go, so do you,” he says, flinging me onto the bed.
“That’s not fair.” I laugh, lifting my foot to his chest to keep him back.
He grabs my ankle, and pulls me closer to him where he stands at the foot of the bed. “Don’t make me go alone, Lizard. I need you.”
Needs me. Be still my heart, how could I ever say no.
13
Cryin’
“The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head.” - Terry Pratchett
A few hours later, Lizzy and I sit together on my parent’s sea-green sofa listening to Lance tell us about his latest trip to Hawaii.
“This wave had to be about twenty feet easily, bro.” He brushes back his sandy blond hair.
I want to shout to everyone here how Lizzy and I are a couple. I want everyone to know how I feel about her.
But, we aren’t a couple. As much as I want it, I could never do that to her.
She squeezes my thigh as we continue to listen to Lance. My mother cooks in the kitchen, occasionally calling out to add her tidbits of the family vacation to the North Shore where Lance surfed in a competition.
After awhile, she peeks her blonde head around the corner. “Ryan, come here, please.” The formality of her tone isn’t a good sign.
I raise a brow to Lizzy before getting up. “Sure thing.” I turn to Lizzy. “I’ll be right back.”
Lizzy practically grew up here as well, so leaving her alone with my brothers isn’t a scary ordeal for her. She fits right in with the craziness.
My mother walks past the kitchen and into my father’s office. This has always been his office of solitude. The one place we never could enter growing up. Even now, I feel odd being in here.
