by Rob Byrnes
When he paced past the alley running along the far end of the building, a noise attracted his attention. He glanced up.
Mary Beth and Nick waved to him from an open window. An open window that seemed to be across the alley from Kevin Wunder’s window. That still didn’t make complete sense, but it did start to fill a few gaps in the story.
Austin had no idea how they planned to get across the alley and steal the computers. They didn’t seem like the type of criminals who shimmied along ropes strung over open spaces, but what did he know? He hoped they could do whatever needed to be done in less than fifteen minutes.
Catherine Cooper Concannon knocked but didn’t wait for an answer before opening Kevin Wunder’s office door. Both Kevin and the pink-faced man on the opposite side of his desk looked at her expectantly.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, Kevin, but Austin has come by to see you.”
Kevin squinted unhappily. “He’s not supposed to come here.”
“I reminded him of that.”
“So where is he now?”
“He’s waiting for you outside the building.”
David, who’d been making no headway getting Wunder out from behind his desk and was almost out of small talk, said a silent prayer of gratitude for the intervention of Austin Peebles.
They watched Kevin Wunder and David Carlyle leave and waited a cautious amount of time to make sure no one returned. No one did. Then the ladder slid slowly and steadily out the window until it touched down on the ledge outside Wunder’s office.
This time Nick went first. He was halfway across when Chase began to follow.
Grant pulled him back by a belt loop. “One at a time, lover. I think this is sturdy enough, but let’s not test it under the weight of three people at the same time.”
One by one they crossed the alley until Grant, the last man over, scrambled through the window and into Wunder’s office. He locked them inside—or rather, locked everyone else outside—then examined the computers still stashed in the corner where he’d left them.
“That’s a lot of equipment,” he muttered. “Six computers we stole from June Forteene’s office, plus the two on Wunder’s desk. I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like making multiple trips across that ladder. It’ll be dangerous and take too much time.”
Chase was lost. “So how do you want to handle it?”
“I have an idea…”
The cab pulled to the curb and Edward double-checked the address before stepping out and paying the driver, making sure to tell him to keep the sixty-five cents in change as a tip.
He eyed the white-brick building and steeled himself. He was going into the belly of the beast—the office of a Democratic Member of Congress—and had to be prepared for whatever debauchery he’d encounter. No doubt it would even be more frightening than naked masked burglars dangling from the ceiling.
After saying a silent prayer, Edward looked skyward for reassurance and…
…and thought, Why is there a ladder stretching between the buildings? That is odd.
He took a few steps toward the alley, trying to figure it out. He didn’t have long to think about it.
Because seconds later, a computer came hurtling out a window toward him.
“What the hell are they doing?” croaked Lisa after the second computer toppled out the window.
Constance stood next to her. “They’re making noise and a big mess. That’s what the hell they’re doing. Are they trying to get caught?”
Margaret Campbell stood with her arms folded. “That’s not the way I’d do it.”
Minutes later, Constance and Lisa were outside, alternately dodging computers and throwing the shattered remains into a Dumpster.
Wendy Hyer-Romanov was returning from one of the most dreadful client meetings she’d ever had the displeasure to attend and wanted nothing more than to get back to work. Her firm—WHR Associates—was located on the fourth floor, just below the office of United States Representative Catherine Cooper Concannon.
She waited impatiently for the elevator doors to close until she saw a young man wearing hipster frames rush toward her through the lobby, at which point she jabbed the Close Door button a few times. He managed to squeeze inside before the elevator obeyed the buttons, so she pretended she hadn’t done what she did and stood aside to give him room.
She exited on the fourth floor and took out her key as she approached the single-room office with a fake-wood plaque outside the front door reading WHR ASSOCIATES, then let herself inside.
The first thing Wendy Hyer-Romanov noticed was the broken window and shattered glass all over her desk and floor.
The next thing she noticed was something large and gray tumble past that broken window.
She approached cautiously and looked up, where a wooden ladder stretched between the buildings.
Then she looked down and saw two women furiously collecting broken pieces of something gray in the alley.
Wendy Hyer-Romanov couldn’t make sense of any of it, but somehow the ladder, the hurtling items, and the activity in the alley added up to a broken window and glass all over her office. It could be vandalism, or it could be an accident, but—after the morning she’d had—she wasn’t in the mood to deal with it.
She called 911.
When the office was empty of everything electronic, Grant said, “Let’s get out of here.”
He went out onto the ladder first, followed by Chase. Nick—the youngest and lightest—was to be the final man out the window.
“I don’t know if I like going last,” he said, when Grant gave him the instructions.
“Don’t worry, kid. It’ll hold.”
Under that scalp of thick wavy hair, Nick focused his dark eyes on the ladder. “But what if it doesn’t?”
“If it doesn’t…uh…”
“We’ll catch you,” said Chase with a wide smile he hoped was reassuring.
Grant nodded. “Yeah, that.”
Edward pushed his way into Representative Concannon’s office without so much as a consideration of the debauchery inside. He was that alarmed by what he’d just seen.
“Excuse me!”
The receptionist, slightly bored, eyeballed him and took him for another crazy constituent. “Can I help you?”
“Someone is throwing computers out a window.”
Yeah, she’d pegged him. “If you’ll take a seat, one of the Representative’s aides will help you in a few minutes.”
Because he was an obedient young man, Edward took a few steps toward a row of chairs lining one wall, until he remembered he wasn’t here to see an aide. He returned to the reception desk.
“Ma’am, my name is Edward Hepplewhite, and I’m supposed to pick up some surplus computers from a Mr. Kevin Wunder.”
“Oh.” She jabbed a long nail in his direction. “You’re the one who called.”
“That’s right.”
“Kevin’s not in right now, but I’ll have someone see if they can help you.” She picked up a phone and buzzed someone.
While she did, he kept talking. “You see, I’m supposed to pick up these computers, but people are throwing computers out of the building, and, well…I’m wondering if those events are connected.”
She wasn’t paying attention. “Marie, could you send Randy out front. Kevin promised some computers to this gentleman, but he’s not here right now. Thanks!”
“As I was saying…”
She smiled and tuned him out. They didn’t pay her enough to deal with the crazies. “Randy will be right out.”
Although the delay was tying Edward’s stomach in knots, Randy was with him in less than thirty seconds. He smiled pleasantly, exchanged eye rolls with the receptionist, and led Edward back toward Kevin Wunder’s office. Randy didn’t stop until the door refused to open for him.
“That’s strange. Kevin hardly ever locks his door.” He yelled over the partitions, “Marie, do you have a key for Kevin’s office door?”
Mari
e hollered back, “Kevin’s got the only key.”
Randy gave Edward an apologetic smile. “Sorry about that, but he should be back soon.”
“But…what if those computers are the ones being thrown into the alley?”
Randy smiled, but behind that smile he was thinking, Oh, damn, I’ve got a crazy constituent on my hands.
Grant crossed the alley, and Chase followed as soon as his weight was off the ladder. The wood groaned beneath him, but he progressed steadily until he reached the window into the stairwell.
In Wunder’s office, Nick crouched in the window frame and slowly reached for the ladder.
His fingers were inches from it when it slid away from the frame and the men—as well as the other members of the gang and a handful of passersby—watched in horror as the ladder plummeted, bouncing off both buildings before breaking in two and crashing to the ground.
The ladder shattered what remained of Wendy Hyer-Romanov’s window, sending a spray of glass through the room. She shrieked and put in another call to 911.
One floor above, Randy and Edward paused at the sounds of rumbling and breaking glass.
“What was that?” asked Edward.
Randy shook his head and tried the doorknob one more time before hollering, “Marie, you’d better call Kevin and tell him to get back here! I think something is wrong.”
On the other side of that locked door, Nick—framed in the window and left behind—mouthed some words.
“What did he say?” asked Grant.
“Sorta looked like he said, What the fuck?!”
“That’s what I thought.” Grant looked down at the ladder and then back at Nick. “Now we’ve got a problem.”
When Marie called, Wunder was sitting in a booth in the corner coffee shop. Austin sat next to him on the outside, penning him in, and David sat on the other side. Much as he liked the idea of being David’s consummate insider, he resented the way the editor invited himself along, as well as Austin’s eager acquiescence. He had no idea what the candidate wanted to talk about—the burglary, or his penis photo, or the price of soybeans—but clearly none of it could be discussed in front of David Carlyle. By the same token, neither David nor Kevin could discuss the book idea in front of Austin.
And so they sat nursing cups of coffee and not talking about much besides the weather until Wunder’s new phone buzzed. He took the call and grew visibly alarmed.
“I’ve got to get back to the office,” he said after disconnecting.
“Is everything all right?” asked Austin.
“Yes, perfect. But if you’ll just let me out—”
David raised his voice. “Oh, but I was just about to tell you about the time I saw James Franco at an event at the Guggenheim!”
“I really have to—”
Austin didn’t move. “Sit for a minute, Kevin. This sounds like it’ll be a great story.”
“Could you let me out? I’ve got to—”
“Go on, David,” said Austin, still planted firmly in the booth. “I love James Franco!”
Kevin nudged; Austin didn’t move. Kevin shoved; Austin didn’t move. Kevin kicked under the table; Austin didn’t move. And as for the story? Really! So he saw a stupid actor across the room one night. He didn’t even talk to him!
“Are you going to let me out?” Wunder finally snapped.
Austin looked at him as if he’d just spoken for the first time. “I’m sorry, I was listening to David’s story. It’s fascinating!”
“Oh, ferchrissake.” With that, Kevin Wunder hauled up his stocky body until he was standing on the cushioned seat and crawled over the back into the neighboring booth. It wasn’t occupied, and he wouldn’t have cared if it was.
David threw a few bills on the table, and he and Austin set off in pursuit.
Edward thought she’d never pick up, but finally he heard June Forteene’s voice on the phone.
“I’m at Congresswoman Concannon’s office,” he told her. “And something’s going on.”
Figures, she thought. I can’t even trust Edward to complete a simple errand. I should’ve left him in jail.
He continued. “Mr. Wunder’s office door is locked, and we can’t get at the computers.”
“Can’t someone call him and tell him to come back?”
“They did. But here’s the thing: When I got out of the cab, someone was throwing computers out a window.”
“Someone… Wait, say that again.” He did, and her head began to pound. “Were they throwing them out of Wunder’s window?”
“I can’t say. All I know is there was a ladder stretched between the buildings—”
“A ladder?”
“Yes, and I went to look at it and then a computer almost hit me. And then another one! And then I ran inside Congresswoman Concannon’s office to tell them about it and we checked Mr. Wunder’s door but it was locked and people say he never locks his door.” His run-on sentence left him winded.
June put her head on her desk. Nausea was beginning to overtake her sudden headache. She saw where this was going.
The same people who’d burglarized her home and office, stolen Wunder’s cell phone and laptop, and emptied out the Peebles campaign headquarters were now involved in a direct assault on Triple-C’s congressional office.
It made sense. It would be the last logical place pictures of Austin Peebles’s penis might be stashed. Even as June Forteene sunk to the floor, facing the strong possibility that all the copies of that photo were now gone forever, she knew she had to give credit to the geniuses who’d planned the job.
“Miss Forteene?” Edward’s voice came from her phone—her second replacement phone in a week—and sounded so far away. As it should, since the phone was on her desk and she was now horizontal on the industrial carpeting with her eyes firmly pressed closed.
“Excuse me,” said a man’s voice—not Edward’s; this man was standing a few feet away—and she turned and opened her eyes.
When June Forteene saw the brown UPS uniform, she burst into tears and lost her battle with nausea.
The banging grew louder, but Nick did his best to tune it out and barricaded the door with Kevin Wunder’s heavy metal desk.
Unlike Grant, he already had his Plan B.
He didn’t know if Plan B would work, but at least he had it.
Five stories below, Grant, Chase, and their associates looked expectantly at the window, hoping that Nick could get himself out of this jam. Because they sure as hell couldn’t figure out how to do it.
Grant turned to Chase. “Maybe we should call his mother. I think he’s gonna need her services.”
“She’s not gonna be happy,” Chase said. “If you get her baby boy arrested, this could get ugly.”
He might have called anyway, but then something white caught his eye as it fluttered through the air.
“What’s that?” asked Chrissy.
“It looks like…” Angelina stared. “A shirt?”
The shirt was still fluttering when a sneaker landed in the alley with a thud.
“What’s he doing?” asked Lisa.
And then they stood in awe as a figure that didn’t seem to be Nick Donovan appeared, framed in the window.
“What are you doing?!” Wunder slapped David’s hand away from the panel after he pressed the elevator buttons for the second and third floors, only to have Austin reach behind him and press the fourth floor button. “You know we’re going to the fifth floor, you moron!”
“It’s my fault,” said David. “I like elevators to go very slowly. Otherwise, my stomach gets queasy.”
Wunder ignored him and turned his venom on Austin. “And how many times has your mother-in-law told you to stay away from her congressional office?”
“Once or twice.”
“So what are you doing on this elevator?”
Austin shrugged and a ding announced they’d reached the second floor.
Chase was multitasking, watching the fifth-floor window while speaki
ng to Farraday. “Where are you?”
“Just crossing the George Washington Bridge.”
Chase relayed the information to Grant, who didn’t like it. “Okay, we’ll catch you later.”
“Without Farraday around, we’re gonna have to steal a car,” said Grant
“Fortunately, we’ve got skills.”
Grant frowned. “Glad you feel that way, ’cause you’re gonna do the stealing.”
“But…” Chase looked up at the building. “If I go steal a car, I’m gonna miss this.”
“Guess so,” growled Grant. “Which means you might be the lucky one.”
Behind him, he heard Margaret Campbell say, “This isn’t the way I’d do it,” but he ignored her.
Sixty feet above them, Spider-Man was clinging to those white bricks outside the window but not moving much.
The reason he wasn’t moving was because Nick Donovan was coming to the belated realization—when a person realized things while hanging by their fingernails sixty feet above the hard ground, it was too late to turn back, and therefore belated—that some of these superhero stunts were a lot tougher than they looked in the comics.
He tightened his grip and tried to lower himself a few inches.
Kevin Wunder almost dropped to the floor and kissed the ground when the elevator finally reached the fifth floor. Even as David and Austin kept getting in his way—and what the hell was wrong with them?—he pushed through the crowd surrounding his office door.
“What’s the problem?”
“Your door is locked,” said Randy.
“No, it isn’t.”
“Yes, it is. I tried it about a dozen times.”
Wunder had to try it for himself before he believed him, but sure enough… He pulled a key ring from his pants pocket, found the key he needed, and turned it in the lock, which responded with a gentle click.
