by Tiffani Lynn
“Hey, dude! Did you have fun on vacation?”
“Yeah! They had this roller coaster made of wood and it jerked us all over the place. And Grandma and Grandpa Hannigan took me to this place with a huge swimming pool and rides and stuff. I love Ohio!”
“Never thought I’d hear anyone say that,” I murmur as Quinn comes up behind him.
“Dex, one day you’ll come to Mom and Dad’s with me and see what all the fuss is about. They were disappointed you didn’t come this time.”
“I know, but my vacation time is in Florida. You know this.”
“I know, but you could’ve come for a few days and shortened your trip to Florida.”
“Maybe next year. This is a big year. I promised I’d be there.”
“I know. I just missed you.”
Carlo steps out of the way so Quinn can hug me and Lila turns in her arms and latches on to my shirt with a squeal. I hug them both and secure the baby in my arms as she smiles up at me, drool running down her chin.
Judson’s voice booms behind me. “Dex! My competition! How are you man?” We shake hands and I give him the best stern face I can. “Competition?”
“Yeah, my family only wants to talk about Dex this and Uncle Dex that and Uncle Dex is the best. If it were anyone else, I’d have already kicked your ass for stealing my family. They’re obsessed with you!” He chuckles and the smile he wears tells me that he’s not really jealous. Judson is also a veteran. He was wounded in combat worse than I was and dragged himself through hell to get to this point in his life. He also lost guys when he lost the lower part of his leg and understands how that messes up your head. He probably understands me better than anyone.
“It’s a ranger thing. Squids just aren’t as cool.”
“Screw you, man. I was a damn SEAL. There’s nothing cooler than that!”
Quinn interjects, “Quit being childish, you two. Judd, finish with the horses and get inside for dinner. Carlo, finish your homework so you can hang with Uncle Dexter. For now,” she points to me, “you can follow me to the kitchen so I can catch up on all the gossip at work. Besides, Lila wants some time to drool all over her uncle.” She cackles as she turns and walks back into the house. The baby grabs my bottom lip, pulls and squawks a bunch of baby babble before I smile at her and follow Quinn inside.
“So what did I miss at work this week? How’d it go with Gino?”
“Fuck him! He’s a dick.”
Her head whips my way and she glares at me. “If Lila spits that out as some of her first words I’ll shoot you in the butt. Now watch your language. Although I agree there’s something super sleazy about him, you need to find a cleaner way to tell me about your week.”
I feign fear and hold the baby in front of me as a shield.
“She can’t protect you.”
I laugh for a few seconds and then fill her in on everything that happened. She finishes stirring and places the spoon on the stove. Then she turns around and crosses her arms over her chest as she rests her hip against the counter. If looks could kill, Gino would be dead.
“What a dick!” she blurts.
I widen my eyes at her, over-exaggerating the gesture because she gave me hell earlier.
“Oh, shut up. You were right. Strong issues require strong responses. I can’t wait to get back to work just so I can use a bunch of cuss words in a row. My brain is tired of behaving. So, tell me about this Marina Rossi chick.”
“Nothing to tell. We lived in the same foster house for a little while. Then they moved me again.”
Her eyes narrow on me. Shit.
“It’s more than that. Tell me.”
“It’s not.” I refuse to open that can of worms. Besides, what would I say? I was in love with her from afar when I was young? That I saved her from either getting raped or being forced to suck some dude’s dick one night and then I got to hold her two nights in a row before they split us up? Do I say that I thought about her no less than a 1000 times while I was on deployment? Nope. Then Quinn will pester me about it. And I don’t need the kind of crazy that follows Mari, not in my life. She could derail a train just by standing near the tracks, and it’ll take a certain kind of man or friend to change that. I’m not that guy.
Quinn’s eyes stay trained on me as she says, “You care about this girl; it’s obvious even if you want to deny it. The look on your face tells me more than you think. We talk about everything so I don’t understand why you won’t tell me what the deal is.”
“Just drop it. The story here is Gino. I refused to work with him the last couple of days after that incident. I don’t trust him and I don’t like him. Any man that could treat a woman that way is a di—um, jerk, and doesn’t deserve to wear a badge.”
“Well, I’ll be back tomorrow. I was afraid you wouldn’t miss me.” Her grin tells me she’s full of shit; she knows I missed her. I’m a little concerned that the captain will try to stick her with Gino when I’m in Florida, but Quinn has proven she can take care of herself. However, if he tries anything stupid I’ll kill him when I get back.
After dinner, I spend an hour playing video games with Carlo and hanging with him while he reads out loud to me. Before Quinn and Judson, no one ever read with him. I never got that either as a kid and didn’t realize what I was missing out on until I did it with Carlo one time. He’s 12 years old now and when they asked if he wanted to read alone he said no. He liked it. He said most kids his age don’t do that anymore but he has time to make up for. I like that about the kid. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. He does what feels right and oddly enough, his moral compass always points him in the right direction.
Three days later, Quinn and I are in the break room chowing down on our lunch when Myrtle, our ancient white-haired receptionist, sticks her head in the door. “Dex, you’ve got a call. I tried to forward it to your phone but you weren’t picking it up. One of the guys said you were here. Line two.”
I pat my pocket and realize my phone must be sitting on my desk. Who the hell is calling the station to talk to me? I pick up and answer, “Dexter.”
“Jase. Um…It’s Marina. Don’t be mad but I need your help.” My body stills but my heart rate picks up. The logical side of my brain is pissed as hell that she’s calling and the side I obviously have zero control over is ready to fly into action with whatever her request is. The dueling responses have me feeling off-balance and irritated.
“What’s up?” I attempt to keep my tone businesslike.
“I’m in a little bit of trouble.” Shit.
Impatience that’s very unlike me flares in my gut. “What kind of trouble? Spit it out.”
“Don’t be mean. I’m at the hospital. If you won’t come they’ll have me arrested. I can’t afford bail. Please help me.” Damn it! This girl is killing me with her drama. Why is she calling me? I probably should ask why she’d be getting arrested at the hospital, but I don’t think sitting on the phone hashing it out will help.
“Give me a few minutes to get over there.” I hang up, not waiting to hear what else she has to say. I got her out of that situation with Gino a week ago and can’t imagine what she could possibly have going on now? I snatch my trash off the table and toss it in the garbage can. Quinn follows me out the door. “What’s going on, Dex?”
“Nothing. I’ll take care of it.”
“Tell me what’s going on,” she insists.
“No. I’ve got it.”
She grabs my arm to stop me and I spin on her. She must see the anger in my eyes because she takes a step back. I never turn like that on her and hate that she had to back away from me.
“Dex?” Her eyes are pleading with me. She’s worried. I did get spun up pretty fast. As soon as I heard Mari’s voice my heart rate shot up, and then to find out she’s in trouble again pissed me off.
“Look, the girl, Marina, I told you about? She’s in trouble at the hospital. She didn’t say what it was, but she wants me to come help her. I’ll be back in a little whil
e.”
“No.”
I flinch, what does she mean no? “What?”
“I said no. I’m going with you.”
“Quinn.”
“I’m going. You won’t change my mind. Come on, you can drive.” I say nothing in response since arguing with her is pointless:;I always lose.
When we finally find Marina, I can see her through the square glass window of the wooden door leading to the hospital security office where she’s sitting. A short, stout, out-of-shape security guard with a horrible comb-over is glaring at her as she drums her fingers on the table. Quinn pushes in front of me and takes the lead despite our conversation in the car.
She turns her attention to the guard. “I’m Officer Rivers and this is my partner, Officer Dexter. What seems to be the problem?”
“She was raising hell in the ICU. You can’t do that in this hospital. She’s not even family. She shouldn’t have been in there in the first place.”
Quinn turns to face Marina who’s staring at me. I refuse to look directly at Marina; it will only pull me in deeper.
Marina speaks before anything else can be said. “They’re taking Fern off life support. They’re gonna let her die. She doesn’t have any family to fight for her. They can’t let her go. She’s not ready.” I can’t help but focus on her now as her horrified tone digs at my insides. Her eyes are wide and frightened, a look I remember well. My chest squeezes at the memory of her running down the steps of the foster home as I was loading up to leave that last time.
Quinn leads the conversation with the security guard. “We’ll take care of her, but first I’d like to talk to the head nurse in the ICU. Can you take me up there? Officer Dexter will stay with Miss Rossi.” The guard looks between us like he’s unsure, but finally he gives in. The two exit the room and it’s just me and Marina left. Suddenly the years melt away and the pressure on my chest increases. Marina’s face is tear streaked and her eyes are bright and damp. I want to fix this for her so she won’t look this way. She’s making my stomach churn with emotion and I can’t afford messy feelings from the past that mean nothing.
“Marina, why are you doing this? By law you have no say and can’t fix this. She’s a junkie. She almost got you arrested once before. She’s better off out of this life anyway. You know how hard it is for addicts to get clean and stay that way.”
“Jase, how can you be so cruel?” she whispers.
Why is this pressure in my chest getting worse? Am I having a heart attack?
She continues, “Please don’t say that. Everyone deserves a second chance. She doesn’t deserve to die because she made a mistake. If that were the case I wouldn’t be here.” I can’t imagine the mistakes she’s made over the years consider the situations I’ve encountered with her over the last week, but the thought of her gone makes me a little dizzy. What the hell is wrong with me? She’s not someone who should concern me.
I take a deep breath and stare into her eyes; they’re lethal they’re so beautiful, but I need her to listen to me and understand I’m not trying to be a jerk, so I’ll take the risk of staring into them. I care, even as much as I don’t want to, I still do. I wipe my palms on my pants, and place one on the table. When I wiggle my fingers at her she glances down and then back up at me, confused by the gesture. Wiggling my fingers again, I say, “Marina.” Finally, she places her hand in mine and I close my fingers around it. Warmth from her touch spreads up my arm in a way I’ve never felt before. Focus! “If they want to pull the plug it’s because she’s already gone. They don’t stop life support on patients for the hell of it. There are laws about those kinds of things. You’ve got to let her go. Sometimes it’s not what we want, but it’s what’s best.” I squeeze her hand tighter for support but not hard enough to hurt.
The tears she was holding back are now falling as her head lowers and her shoulders sag. “I don’t want her to die alone. She has no one else. No one cares. Please don’t let her die alone.” She pleads with me. About that time Quinn comes back in and her eyes quickly flick to our hands joined on the table and then to me. When I see the look on Quinn’s face I know she needs to talk to me before she addresses Marina, so I give Marina a light squeeze and slip my hand out from under hers. Quinn and I move to the far side of the room and whisper.
“She’s brain-dead. They’re ending life support. There’s nothing we can do and frankly nothing we should do. She’s gone. What did you get out of her?”
“She doesn’t want to let her go. Fern has no one else and she doesn’t want her to die alone.”
“That’s an easy fix.” She leans in closer and quietly says, “You can tell me all day long this woman means nothing to you, but the only hands I’ve ever seen you hold belong to members of my family. We will talk about this, Dex.” Turning to the security guard who followed her back into the room, she says, “Miss Rossi has been cleared by the charge nurse to sit with the patient until she’s gone.” He opens his mouth to protest but Quinn holds up a hand. “I’ve agreed to stay with them to make sure protocol is followed and she doesn’t disturb anyone else. It’s already been cleared but they’re ready now, so we need to go.”
Marina stands abruptly and darts for the door. Out of instinct I wrap an arm around her chest and pull her back to me. I want to comfort her and calm her. Her whole body vibrates with tension and she needs to settle down or this will get bad. Quinn’s eyes widen at my reaction.
I lean down and whisper in Marina’s ear, “Calm down or they’ll make us remove you and will likely press charges. I’ll go with you.”
She surprises me by saying, “No! You don’t care about my friend. You think the junkie got what she deserves. I’d rather take your partner.”
She wiggles out of my grasp and I blurt, “Mari! Wait.” We both freeze because I haven’t called her that since the day we said goodbye. As far as I know, no one called her that but me. Then I step closer, unable to let her face this without me. “Mari, I do care. I’m sorry you think I don’t. Quinn can come, but I’m coming too.” We stare at each other for a long, uncomfortable moment as security and Quinn stand awkwardly aside. Her wide sad eyes remind me of our history. So many memories are pouring between us as we stand there that the air grows thicker with more emotion.
The whole encounter is way too heavy for me to deal with, but for whatever reason, I won’t let her face this without me. As the three of us head to Fern’s room, I remind myself that I need to put some space between Marina and me. I can’t allow her to drag emotion out of me like this. We have some history but that’s it. I don’t need to have a human cyclone blowing around in my life. I just need to lock it down and treat this situation like any other work related scenario.
The nurse is kind enough to pull in two extra chairs for Quinn and me, but we don’t sit down. Mari drags the chair that was already in there close to the bed to sit in and holds Fern’s lifeless hand while she waits quietly.
The nurse breaks the silence as she removes the IV and all the additional tubing and explains, “Marco, the respiratory therapist, will be here in a moment to turn off the machine. Fern can’t feel anything so this won’t hurt. It may happen right away or it may take several hours, I can’t give you an exact answer because everyone is different. I know this is difficult and I’m sorry for your loss.”
Quinn and I stand out of the way until Mari glances back at us and the look on her face brings the pressure back to my chest. The instinct to comfort her is overwhelming, so I step forward and place my hand on her shoulder and squeeze lightly. Quinn pulls her chair up on the other side and holds Mari’s free hand. The respiratory therapist strides into the room, all businesslike. He must do this often to not even appear phased by what he’s about to do. Right before he turns the power off, he looks up at us and asks, “Do you have any questions?”
“Are you sure she’s not coming back?” Mari croaks.
“Three doctors reviewed the tests, the chart, and examined the patient, and all three agreed. I’m so
rry. I wish I had a different answer.”
Sniffling, she wipes her nose on her sleeve and all her muscles tense as the power to the machine is turned off and the tubing that leads to the ventilator is disconnected.
In less than 15 minutes Fern is gone and Marina is a mess. We allow her a few minutes alone with Fern’s body and when it’s time to go, she won’t move. Afraid that she’ll lose it, I scoop her up in my arms and stride out of the room before she has time to argue. Surprisingly she wraps her arms around my neck and cries into my scratchy uniform shirt.
There is no doubt in my mind that I need to take her home and put some space between us before she completely disarms me. Knowing she’s hurting is almost more than I can handle. Something deep within me fights against my conscious choice to distance myself from her. The urge to comfort her is difficult to deny.
Quinn opens the rear passenger door of the cruiser as I’m returning Marina to her feet. I hold her there, allowing her to get her balance and settle down a little. After a few seconds, she scoots in, sniffling, but quiet. Once I’m in the driver’s seat I study her from the rearview mirror, wishing I could take that look off her face. Quinn climbs in the front seat and quietly says, “I’m glad we’re taking her home. I didn’t want her to ride the bus. It’s been a rough day.”
I don’t say it out loud but there is no way in hell I would’ve allowed her to get on a bus alone after this. Instead of responding I ask, “Can you check in and make sure we didn’t miss anything?” Quinn calls and all is well so I pull out of the parking lot.
As we drive to the address Marina gave us, I alternate between watching the road and watching her while my emotions volley all over the place. I need to get away from her. I’m known for how even-keeled and in control I am but she seems to stir the pot and flip my world upside down. I need to go back to my life before Mari reentered it.
Because I was so distracted by her sad eyes and thoughts of escaping her, I didn’t pay attention to the neighborhood we were going to. Son of a bitch! This is one of the worst neighborhoods in Colorado Springs. She lives here?
