by Tiffani Lynn
Catrina, on top of being unintelligent also proves to have a vicious streak. I find this out when she says something snotty about the now turquoise streaks in Mari’s hair and it’s that cue that ends the date. In an instant I felt the need to defend Mari. Surprisingly I like the turquoise and thought it was rude for Catrina to say something so nasty.
I thought a date would help take my mind off the hole Mari left behind. There wasn’t a hole in my life before she came back into it, so I don’t understand why there is now. Going out with a woman like Catrina was a huge mistake. She’s certainly not the woman for me if she’d bash someone right in front of me who’s obviously a friend. I don’t want a woman who’s quick to judge based on appearance, especially when the person she’s judging is someone I care about.
Like a meteor out of the sky it hits me; that’s what I’ve been doing all this time, judging her. I’m such a dick.
Once I get rid of Catrina I try to call Mari but she won’t answer. I even send a text that she never answers. The hours and minutes of the night creep by at a snail’s pace, giving me even more to think about. By the next day, I’m exhausted and desperate to talk to her so I approach Quinn about it, and for the first time since we met she freaks out on me.
“Nope. You don’t get to do this, Dex. She’s not a toy you can take down and play with at will. She’s a sweet girl with a world of hurt and rejection in her heart and she doesn’t need more. I love you, Dex. You’re my best friend, but if you push me I’ll push back. She spent the rest of the night crying after seeing you with the Colorado beauty queen last night. She knows that’s your type, so let her go. Quit pushing and pulling at her. You’ve confused her with this game you have going. She’s got a lot of armor on with all the outward appearance stuff, but that’s all protecting a soft underbelly. Don’t make me wrong about who you are.”
I sit, stunned by what she’s said. Is she right? Am I playing games? I never thought about it that way but if I analyze it, I probably have been. Even knowing she was vulnerable, I brought her to my bed. I also knew I had no intention of keeping her around for the long term and I still slept with her. I don’t want to be the kind of guy who would do that to her. I guess it’s time to back off. It might be different if I saw a future with her, but I don’t. She’s right. She’s not my type and I don’t want the whole family-soccer-dad thing she wants. I never have. I would have no idea what to do with all that. I don’t exactly come from a place that’s a good example of family, love and togetherness. It’s time to finally step up and be a real man and make the hard choice to leave her alone so she can get on with her life.
Chapter Nine
Marina
Walking away from Jase was so hard, but after a long talk with Quinn about my life goals—wanting a husband who loves me for me, a family, a house—I decided to start taking things into my own hands. So much happens to me because I follow someone else’s lead or I’m careless or lonely or bored. I have to learn to deal with being alone until I can find the right guy to start a family with. I have time. It’s not like I’m an old maid with a clock ticking away too fast for me to reach my goals.
I don’t want a family like the one I grew up in so why I keep settling for guys who don’t love me, are lazy or flat out aren’t good people, I don’t know. It’s amazing that Dee’s been trying to tell me this exact thing for years, but I never got it until I sat next to Quinn and watched her husband roll around the floor laughing his ass off with their wonderful kids, in their beautiful, comfortable home. She’s living my dream so it makes sense for me to believe that she knows what she’s talking about.
I think Jase—crap, I should stop calling him that, he goes by Dex now. I think Dex is the perfect guy, but not for me. I want someone who’s madly in love with me. A man who can’t live without me and can’t wait to get home to me at the end of the day. Someone who wants to tell me everything in his heart and everything he fears. I want someone who’ll be as consumed with me and our family as I am with him and them. Not someone who will look at me like I’m a freak when I try a new shade of color in my hair, but someone who’ll think it’s cute. That may be to much to ask, but I’m willing to wait and find out.
Judson offered me a job as a stable hand and I took it. It gets me out of the bar, other than the one day a week, and I’ll get to work with animals all day. I know it’s not glorious. I followed him around all day today getting an idea of what they do and some of it was gross, but in the end, I’ll be nurturing life, and making a difference, not just allowing the world to pass me by while I sling drinks in a bar. I can imagine at the end of the day I’ll be exhausted, but I’ll feel better about me and what I’m doing. I still have to keep Saturday nights at the bar for a little while to be able to make my rent without a problem, but one day a week, as opposed to every day, is a much better situation.
The only issue for me will be when Dex is around. Quinn and Judson are his best friends so I imagine he’s around a lot. I need to figure out a way to avoid him or deal with him. I’m thinking avoidance is the best bet for now. Sleeping with him was a bad choice for me. He quickly became an addiction that I’m now fighting. That level of physical intimacy makes it hard for me to not make more of our time together than what it was. I was so caught up with him that I really felt like we connected on a deeper level. I guess this is a good example of me living in a fantasyland where everything is perfect. I’d give almost anything to have him feel the way I feel and not just because I want someone, but because I want him. I’ve been with several guys over the years that I knew I didn’t want to marry and start a life with, but I settled because I didn’t want to be alone. Of course, now that I’ve found one I want to build a life with, he doesn’t see me in that light or want that particular future. Although I want a family and a place to belong, I also want the right man, and I was certain it was him. I hate when I’m wrong. The man I want for the rest of my life would never say the hurtful things Dex said to me.
My plan was to go back to my apartment while Dex was in Florida since I now have a crappy mattress and some clothes and towels, but after that guy grabbed me and said a bunch of weird shit to me, Quinn doesn’t want me to go. She was freaked for me, and it was nice to have someone besides Dee worry about me for a change. Dee stayed with me the first night here, but then went back to Reggie’s. I can see the writing on the wall. She’ll be moving in with him before the year is over and I’ll have to find a new roommate. I’m not sure anyone will understand me like Dee does, but I guess everyone needs to grow up and let go sometime. I’ll have to become less emotionally dependent on my roommate and just move a warm body in to help with expenses. I have no idea how I’ll pull that off.
The next week is filled with a lot of mucking the stalls, brushing and feeding the horses, and sore muscles for me, but also a great deal of fulfillment too. I can’t remember ever having a job that meant something to me beyond bringing in a paycheck. I’m finding that I love nurturing the animals and taking care of something other than myself for a change. This job is healing some things inside me that I didn’t realize needed healing and I’m feeling stronger every day. Although I’m absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, my brain still goes into freak-out mode when I’m alone in my room. So every night after everyone goes to bed, I sneak out to the couch and lie down with the TV on low, and I’m able to catch a couple hours of sleep that way. The last two nights, Carlo has come out around one with sleepy, droopy eyes and plopped down in the chair near the couch and gone back to sleep. Sadly, I think this 12-year-old kid might be part of why I’m able to sleep for short periods of time. Having someone nearby that I trust helps so much.
After the first night Carlo came out, I heard Judson ask him about it when he thought I couldn’t hear, and his reply made me tear up. “Dex told me she was in foster care too. I think it’s why she can’t sleep alone. If I sleep out there with her, maybe she’ll be able to sleep. It doesn’t bother me. I can sleep anywhere, so why not sleep out there s
o she can sleep too?”
What 12-year-old boy thinks like that? None. He’s such a good kid, but it makes me feel bad that he feels like he should be the one to help. I mentioned it to Quinn and she told me not to worry, that they think it helps him to help me. I did see Judson check on us last night right before I fell asleep, so at least I know they’re keeping an eye on things.
Today is the first day that my whole body doesn’t hurt, like it’s finally adjusted to this kind of physical labor and I’m loving every minute of it. Of the six horses they have on the property now, Trooper has taken to me the best. The giant chocolate-colored beast weighs about 1600 pounds, Judson said, and at first his size scared me. But he’s such a flirt it didn’t take long for me to warm up to him. It started when I wasn’t paying attention and he leaned in and nuzzled my neck. I didn’t realize horses did such things. I jumped about 10 feet in the air and Judson, who was in the stall next to me, died laughing. He thinks Trooper likes women better since he does the same to Quinn but not him. I don’t care why, I’m just thrilled by his response. Besides, there’s something so calming about spending time with this big, beautiful beast.
Because of our budding relationship, I tend to take a little longer with Trooper, and as I’m stroking his nose and having a perfectly long conversation about life with him, I hear someone’s throat clear behind me. When I turn toward the sound I find Dex watching me. Being around the Rivers family has helped me to transition to calling him Dex, which I think will help me to let him go. I remind myself every time his name comes up that the person called Dex is a stranger. He’s not the Jase that saved me so long ago, or the one with sweet unguarded moments during and after sex with me. He’s just a guy who’s friends with my new boss.
That strategy was working well until I turned and saw those eyes. Dear God, they could stop traffic and probably bring world peace if everyone took a few minutes to stare into their depths. Too bad he’s kind of a jerk.
“Hey, Dex,” I greet, aiming for nonchalance.
His head jerks back a little. “Since when did I become Dex?”
“It’s what you go by now, right?” Now it’s time to play innocent. Why does he care what I call him anyway?
“Well, yeah. But it’s not what you call me.”
“It is now. Sometimes you have to let go of the past and embrace the present.” I turn away and go back to brushing Trooper even though I’m supposed to be done so Dex won’t notice my shaking hands. I don’t want to see the confused expression on his face and read into it more than I should.
“I like that you aren’t like everyone else,” he says softly and it feels more like a confession than a statement. I close my eyes, hoping to settle my racing heartbeat and control the flare of anger his words cause.
“That’s not what you said before and really, what does it matter? I won’t see you very often—if at all. I don’t think you’re here during working hours most of the time and I plan to go back home soon, so our paths won’t even cross for me to call you anything.”
“Why are you going home? Did they catch the guy who grabbed you? No one said anything to me about it.”
“Nah. I’m sure the guy is long gone. I’m going home because this isn’t my home and they have a family life they need to get back to. They don’t need to be worried about some random stray girl.”
“Mari—”
“Don’t, Dex. Just let it go. I’ve made it this far in life without you or anyone else really. I’ll continue to make it.”
“I never meant to hurt you, Mari.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m fine.” I set the brush down and let myself out of Trooper’s stall. Then I step in front of Dex and place my hands on his chest before I rise up on tiptoes and kiss his cheek. “Thanks for everything, Dex. But there’s no need to worry about me. I’ll be fine. I always am. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get cleaned up for dinner.”
Then without looking back, I stride to the house with my shoulders back, projecting strength and resolve that’s all fake. When I take my shower, I stay in a little longer than is normal to allow all the tears to flow in private. At dinner, I try to keep my conversation light and aimed at Carlo. Luckily the kid is smart and has tons to talk about so it’s easy. When dinner’s over, I insist on cleaning up. Once the task is complete I retreat to the guest room so Dex can hang with his friends without the awkwardness of having me there. I hate being alone so it’s pure torture to sit in the room and wait for him to leave.
I decide the next day I should probably leave and attempt to get back to normal. I called Dee to pick me up and figured I’d Uber back and forth the rest of the week. I just feel like I’m wearing out my welcome and I don’t want to do that considering they’re my new employers and I love my job. After I make the rent for the month, I can probably get an old junker car to get me to and from if I pick up a Sunday night shift at the bar.
All is well for the first two nights I’m back home, even though I’m not sleeping because I’m here alone. I’ve dozed off a few times and that seems to be sustaining me as far as sleep goes, but I’m not sure how long that will last. Dee never comes here now that our stuff was stolen so I’m alone in a virtually empty apartment all the time. Tonight I decide I can’t sit here alone with nothing to do again so I take a walk down several blocks to the local grocery store. Thank goodness it’s a 24-hour establishment. I roam the whole store, slowly, aisle by aisle, for something to do. I’m almost to the last aisle when the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I turn to see who’s has my radar going off and I get a glimpse of black fabric turning the corner to leave the aisle, but that’s it. Nothing else and no one else is near that I can see. I’ve got to get a grip and quit freaking myself out. When I’ve exhausted all the aisles and talked to every store employee I could find, I’m beyond bored. I splurge on a bag of peanut M&M’s on my way out, thank the clerk and stroll out the door.
When I’m about a block from home and the streetlights seem farther apart, I hear the cadence of someone’s footsteps behind me so I step to the far side of the sidewalk, thinking someone wants to pass me. The footsteps stop when I do so I turn to see if someone is standing back there and see no one. God, I’ve got to get a grip! I resume walking and as I pass through the door to my building, I hear the footsteps moving faster now like someone is running at me. Panic sets in and instead of running toward my door, I freeze. The fear literally locks me in place. What if it’s the guy who tried to take me? What if it’s a crazy rapist? Oh, my God! I should’ve stayed at the ranch a little longer. I’m in full melt-down mode, running every horrible scenario over in my head at warp speed when a jogger flies past the entrance, not even sparing me a glance.
I almost slide down the wall as my legs turn liquid with relief. Before I can freak out any more, I hustle to my apartment and lock the door behind me. After that little scare, my overactive imagination has me wide awake all night long.
The next morning my Uber driver is late because he took a wrong turn and then he refuses to drive me up the gravel portion of the driveway to the ranch, so I hike the three quarters of a mile up the gravel road to their house. If I’d had some sleep last night the hike wouldn’t be an issue, but of course I didn’t get any. Judson had to take Carlo to school this morning and drop the baby off at his mom’s house because of Quinn’s schedule so he doesn’t get back until I’m an hour into my shift.
“Hey, Marina!” he calls to me from the doorway as I’m mucking Comet’s stall.
I pause and glance up at him. “Hey Judson. I’m moving a little slow. I’m sorry, long night.”
“You okay?”
“Yup. Just freaked myself out, but I’m okay. Not all the way awake yet.”
“If you need the day off, it’s okay.”
“No way. I need to be busy. It’s no big deal.” I provide him with a smile so he’ll understand that I’m okay. I know he doesn’t believe me, but I can’t go there. It’s better if I don’t feed into the crazy shit that goes on in my
head.
At the end of the day Judson offers to take me home, but I decline and instead walk back down the driveway to meet a different Uber driver. Thank God these Uber rides are so cheap or I’d be screwed.
When I get home, the light is on in my bedroom, which wouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember it being on when I left. In fact, I’m certain I went back in there to turn it off right before I left. With my heart pounding, I search the place and find nothing. Not many places to hide since there still isn’t any furniture here. I must have imagined turning it off. I was tired so it’s possible I forgot.
After another night of no sleep, I trek up the hill to the ranch slower than yesterday. This time I didn’t even ask the driver to take me up the driveway; I just assumed the answer would be no and I’m too tired to argue about it. In fact, I don’t think I said a word to the driver about anything. That’s the good thing about that Uber app, you type in where you want to go, before they even pick you up, and pay through your credit or debit card on file. It’s perfect when you’re not in the mood to talk.
Judson’s concern is greater today as I stumble one time in front of him, landing on my knees in a pile of horse crap. I brush off his concern and blame it on being klutzy at times. I’m beyond exhausted, but I want to keep this job and prove I can make it on my own. It’s time for me to put on my big-girl panties. Hell, at 28 years old I should be able to do it. Dee hasn’t been around since I’ve been back and my feelings are a little hurt by her absence. She checks on me via text every day, but I think maybe she’s a little tired of my needy bullshit so I refuse to call her for help.
