by Tiffani Lynn
I pause and look to Judson who has returned from the kitchen with Lila, who is gulping a bottle at a record pace in his arms. “You don’t have to tell me now, but I’d like to come back to work in a few days. Do I still have a job? I understand if my brand of crazy has been too much for you, but I need to know if I’m coming back here or getting a new job.”
Dex speaks up. “You can’t do manual labor with messed-up ribs, Marina. You’ll never make it and they take forever to heal.”
“With all due respect Dex, I have to do manual labor because I don’t have the option of not working. I’ve backed myself into a nice little corner here with no education and no vocational training, so my options are limited. I’m also in the special position of having no savings and being broke as hell. No matter what my body wants, I don’t have a choice. This is the life I’ve created for myself, no matter how messed up it is. It’s called sleeping in the bed you’ve made and that’s what I have to do. What I need to know is if it’ll be here or elsewhere. If it’s not here, I understand. They have a family and a ranch to worry about and who knows what will happen with me next, but I love it so I don’t want to walk away unless I’m told to. I won’t hold any ill will if that’s the choice. I just need to know.”
Judson’s expression is soft and sincere when he responds. “I understand what you’re saying, and because this is a family-run ranch at my home, I need to talk to my wife about it. If you give me Dee’s number, I’ll call you tonight and let you know.”
“That’s fair enough. I appreciate it.” I’m grateful he didn’t say no outright.
Dex turns back to me and asks, “Why are you going to Reggie’s? I thought he had a scumbag roommate you hated.”
Dee joins the conversation and says, “Ray’s out of town for the next couple of days so she should be fine until then.”
Dex nods and says, “I need to get to work, but I’ll check on you later.”
“I’ll be fine, Dex. Get on with your life. Thanks for checking on me last night and finding Dee. It’s exactly what I needed.”
He doesn’t say anything because there’s nothing to say.
I don’t hear from Judson that night or the next day, but the following morning Dee shows me a text from him asking if he can come by to talk to me and bring me my paycheck. I have nothing else going on and would rather have my final paycheck in my hand when he tells me he doesn’t want me to come back, so I tell her to say yes.
Judson is due to come over at three o’clock, so when I hear a bunch of noise at the front door around that time, I think it’s him. Without looking through the peephole, I open the door ready to greet Judson and instead am faced with Ray. He’s got a duffel bag over one shoulder and two bags in his arms. That must be why he didn’t open the door himself. Bloodshot eyes greet me and a slimy grin spreads across his scruffy face. Gross!
“Marina,” he says as he strolls through the door. There’s something about the way he says my name that makes me want to boil my skin in a scalding hot shower. He’s disgusting, obnoxious and rude. What I don’t understand is how the guy can have expensive, pristine sneakers and ball caps but have the dirtiest hair and clothes. He’d look homeless if it weren’t for those two items. His yellow-tinted grin sets me on edge and I realize if he tries anything I’m screwed because I can’t move fast enough to get away. Every time I turn a certain way I get a shooting pain in my abdomen from the rib injury.
“What’s up, girly?” he asks as he sets the bags on the table. “You’re looking a little rough. Fight?”
“No, I jumped out of a car and rolled down a hill into the woods.”
His bloodshot eyes widen for a second before he busts up laughing. I have visions of hitting him with a crowbar over the head. What a jerk!
Stepping up to me, way too close for comfort, he pushes the chunk of hair that’s lying across my chest over my shoulder and I catch the distinctive smell of pot on his breath. He needs to brush those teeth, but because I’m at a disadvantage in this situation, I keep my trap shut.
“So, are you here for a little comfort? ’Cause I can surely provide.” Rubbing his hands across his chest and down over his belly, I cringe. His laugh is slow and forced and just plain ew.
“I’ve been staying with Reggie and Dee the last couple of days. I go home today when Reggie gets here, which should be anytime.” I don’t know what time Reggie will be home, but he did promise to take me back to my apartment when Ray shows his face again. He’s been getting home around four, but I have no idea what today will bring. My only hope is Judson arriving on time.
I step away from him and begin to walk away when there’s a knock at the door. Thank God Judson is here! A sigh of relief slips out as Ray grabs his duffel and scurries off to his room. He could have body parts in that thing for all I know. I open the door and usher Judson inside. Oddly enough, Dex and Quinn are with him and both are in uniform.
“Um…hey everyone. Come in. Reggie’s roommate got home a few minutes ago. I should be going back to my place in a little while so it’s a good thing you got here now.”
Judson’s the first to speak and his eyes narrow. “I thought you said his roommate was out of town for a few days.”
“It has been a few days. He came back a few minutes ago.”
I motion to the couch for them to sit and I rest on the edge of the recliner. Leaning back hurts so I’m avoiding it. Just as Judson opens his mouth to say something, Ray comes out of the bedroom. The strangest expression moves across Judson’s features about a half second before he jumps to his feet. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
What did I miss? Does he know Ray?
Ray replies, “This is my apartment, motherfucker! You don’t like it, get the fuck out. What are the police doing in my place anyway? Get the hell out!”
Dex jumps between the two as Quinn grabs on to Judson’s arms, doing her best to tug him backwards as he approaches Ray. I get up from the seat faster than my body is happy with and flinch. No one notices because the tension is thick in the room.
“How do you know Ray, Judson?” I ask, because no one that knows Ray likes him, but I can’t figure out how Judson would possibly know him.
“That asshole’s a drug dealer. I’m in recovery, but I bought a bunch of pills off him that almost killed me a couple of years ago.” He turns to me, furious. “Get your shit. You’re not staying here with this degenerate, drug-dealing dickhead.”
“What’re you talking about? He’s a sleazeball…but drug dealer?” I never thought he was smart enough to deal drugs. I didn’t think he could count, much less add up money.
“Yes! Now get your shit!” Judson has been nothing but laid back and kind since we met, seeing him pissed is a little scary.
“This is my home and I told you to leave so get the fuck out!” Ray yells, pissing Judson off further as is evident when he pushes against Dex again, ready to go after Ray.
Dex turns to me and says, “Get your shit, Mari. You’re out of here. I may not be able to arrest him, but I’m not leaving you here with this scumbag.”
Quinn’s glaring at Ray now and I think if the guys weren’t already fired up she’d be on his ass.
“Okay, give me five minutes, but I need someone to help me carry it. It won’t be heavy. I don’t have much, but it still hurts to lift anything.”
Dex nods once and tells Quinn, “Go with her. I need to make sure your husband doesn’t get assault charges tonight.”
Fifteen minutes later I’m in Judson’s truck with Quinn and Dex following us in the squad car.
Judson finally asks, “What is Reggie like if that guy is his roommate?”
“Reggie’s great. He and Ray were friends growing up and he says Ray did a lot for him when they were young so when he needed somewhere to stay, Reggie let him move in. Apparently, the idiot hit on Dee last week so Reggie’s going to kick him out. Ray came home right before you guys got there.”
“He’s trouble. You need to stay away from him.”
“Yeah, I know. I can’t seem to stay away from trouble and I’m afraid that even if I’m locked in a prison yard alone, surrounded by barbed wire, trouble would still find me. That’s the story of my life. I don’t enjoy it, that’s for sure.” There’s a long moment of uncomfortable silence before I get up the courage to ask, “You bought pills from him?”
Glancing at me he sighs. I’m guessing he didn’t want me to know.
“You don’t have to answer,” I tell him as I shift my focus to the city landscape moving past my window. I take note of the few trees that have started the autumn color change and wonder briefly how pretty the ranch will be once it’s in full swing.
“I was coming over today to talk to you about everything. There was a time in my life not too long ago that I needed a second chance. I was in a bad place, but luckily a few people believed in me enough to give it to me. I want to pay it forward and give you another chance, but you’ve got to make some changes. I know the abduction wasn’t your fault, but you put yourself in too many situations where shit can happen. Case in point, Ray the drug-dealing asshole. If you want to stay away from trouble you don’t stay at the apartment of a guy like him.”
“First of all, I avoid Ray at all costs. Reggie said he’d take me back to my apartment when Ray returned. I had nowhere else to go. As far as staying away from trouble, I’m not sure that’s possible. I don’t want to be in trouble or in questionable situations, they just happen. If you’re basing your thoughts on giving me another chance on a big change in my life, you should probably put an ad in the paper to find my replacement now. Besides, I can barely shower by myself I hurt so bad. There’s no way I can muck stalls or help with the horses for a little while longer.”
Judson and I remain quiet for the next several minutes until he breaks the silence by telling me, “You know he cares about you, right?”
I look over at him, my eyebrow raising. Where did that come from? “I know you’d like to believe that about your friend, but I don’t. He barely tolerates me when I’m around.” I turn my head to look back out the window and am surprised when he continues to talk.
“You’re not a stupid woman so I think if you open your eyes and pay attention you’ll see what I’m talking about. Quinn said since they’ve been partners, they’ve run across a hundred or more women that need help and he’s never gone this far with it.”
“He probably feels some kind of obligation since he knew me from way back.”
“Quinn said he arrested two girls from his foster care days the first year he was on the force here and never looked back. You’re right for Dex, don’t give up on him yet. He’s a good guy and I think you have the key to open up a very closed man.”
I open my mouth to say something, but am not sure what that would even be so I close it again until we arrive at my apartment. Once he’s parked and out of the truck, he grabs my bag and follows me up the stairs. When we enter my apartment, I’m struck with how empty it is. I guess I keep expecting my belongings to show up or to realize the robbery was a bad dream. I still only have a mattress, some clothes and a few pots and pans I picked up from the thrift store. I’m going to go crazy without a television here and nowhere to sit. This ought to be fun.
Judson, Dex and Quinn file into the apartment behind me and Dex surprises me by dropping a string of cuss words in rapid succession before he says, “You cannot stay here, Mari.”
“Yeah, I can. Not much choice considering Ray’s back at Reggie’s.”
“Get your shit. You’re coming to my apartment.”
“No.”
His eyes widen. He didn’t expect defiance from me. If he’s trying to embarrass me in front of other people, he’s doing a good job. I’m not his child so he needs to quit talking to me like I am. “This is a jacked-up situation, I get that, but I can’t do anything except live through it.”
“Don’t be proud, Mari. Just—”
“No way. I’m tired of being your charity project. I’m tired of being everyone’s charity project!” I’m so angry at him and at the situation I’ve put myself in. I’m an emotional tornado, spinning out of control, ready to wipe everyone else out with me. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to stay at his apartment where I’m not wanted either. With a man like Dex, I don’t want the handout. I want the real deal, the relationship with a man who wants to protect me because he loves me. Not a man who protects me and makes me his charity case because he pities me. I’m not like the family dog who’ll be happy taking the leftovers from the big spread of food on a Thanksgiving table. What’s strange is that I never had a problem taking the scraps of attention before, but I refuse to be that person any longer.
I don’t want him to look at me like the victim I always seem to be and I’ll avoid putting him in the position to do that, if I have another option. Lucky for me I have the option. It’s not the best one, but it’s still something. I can always have Dee call one of my random friends to come hang out. I need to get another phone, but I need to make rent first.
“So I have to ask, why did you guys come in a posse today? Judson could have come alone if you gave him the address.”
Quinn answers this time. “We just wanted to check on you and update you on the case. They found the car you were taken in. It was stolen two weeks prior from a lot in downtown Denver. A traffic camera gave us a glimpse of dark hair but his head was turned. The guy abandoned it on the side of the road, not far from where you jumped from the car. The front was wiped clean but your prints are all over the backseat. Your phone was lodged between the seats. It’s in evidence right now and it’s possible you won’t get it back. We have no idea who was driving the car. I’m sorry I don’t have more.”
My shoulders sag. I can’t catch a break. “Whatever. It’s the story of my life.” I turn away toward the kitchen, not wanting to face any of them. In fact, I wish they’d leave. It’s a rare moment for me to want to be alone, but they’re killing me. I want to wallow in my self-pity while I wait for a friend to come over and entertain me. I’m pretty good about doing that and bouncing back, no matter what I get myself into. Thank goodness I’m resilient or my life would be pure hell.
“You can’t stay here. Don’t ask me to explain why but my gut says for you to stay away from here and you shouldn’t go anywhere alone, it’s not safe,” Quinn implores.
“No offense but nothing in my life is safe, not since I was six years old. I’ve gotten used to living like this. You guys don’t need to worry about me.” I turn to face Judson. “I appreciate you wanting to give me another shot at working for you, but I don’t think I can be what you want me to be, what you need me to be. I love working there but getting what I want is not what my life is about. Thank you for the opportunity. Now, you guys can get going. I’ll have Dee call one of my friends to come hang with me for a little while. It’ll be fine.”
As soon as I finish my sentence, I realize I have no way to call Dee and I don’t know if she’ll come here at some point or go to Reggie’s. I hate being without a phone.
Dex growls and moves past me into my room. What the hell is he doing? I follow him in there and find him staring at my almost barren closet.
“Where are your clothes?”
“All but that shirt are in my bag in the living room.”
“You don’t have any clothes?”
It’s like he’s trying to piss me off. “Damn it, Dex! You know all my stuff was stolen. I got the rest of this at Goodwill. I didn’t want to spend a bunch of money on used stuff when I needed it for rent. It’s no big deal. I’ve had a lot less at different times in my life.”
He turns away from me and in an uncharacteristic move, smashes his fist into the drywall, leaving a huge hole. Startled, I jump back and flinch in pain. What the hell?
“Dex! I have to pay for repairs. I can’t afford food, much less new drywall!” I cry.
“Get your stuff, Mari. You’re not staying here. You can fight me if you want, but I’ll drag your ass
out of here despite the achy ribs. You’re going with me.”
“Why? It doesn’t make any sense! You don’t even like me, half the time you can’t stomach looking at me. I don’t understand why you won’t leave me to deal with this alone.”
“Mari, I can’t leave you here. I can’t do it. Don’t ask me questions that I don’t have answers to. Please just understand, I can’t leave you here like this. Let’s go.”
The look on his face is one of steely determination and I know if I don’t do as he says he’ll probably drag me out of here. My palms itch with anger because I want to slap his face for being such a jerk. Why can’t he let me deal with this on my own? I’m not his responsibility.
“I can’t fight you, I’m in no shape for it. You win, but as soon as I can, I’m out of there. I need someone to call Dee and tell her what’s going on so she doesn’t freak if she comes looking for me.” I stand by the door while the heat from my anger simmers on my skin. I refuse to make eye contact with them.
Quinn sighs and asks Judson, “Can you take her to Dex’s apartment? We still have a half hour on shift.”
By the time I get settled at his place, my body is wiped out and my emotions are on overload. Does Dex not realize that even the minimal amount of care he’s shown is like crack for a girl like me? I’m the girl who is starved for love and attention and will cling on to every ounce that’s offered, even if it’s far below the amount I deserve. I hate that about myself and have been working on it, but so far it seems to be a reaction I can’t control. For the first time ever though, I can see it as it’s happening and it makes me angry and sad, probably because he’s made it clear what he thinks of me. When he shows up acting like he cares, I spiral down and ignore the warning in my head that this isn’t real. The need for someone to care appears to be greater than self-preservation.
