by Laura Wade
AUNTIE: I mean it’s just SO sad. He was here and now he’s gone.
UNCLE: Alright, love. You’ve had one too many sherries, that’s all.
The WAITER wheels a large TV into the middle of the room, with ALICE’s DAD following behind.
DAD: Hi everyone – hi –
Sorry, can I just have your –
The room goes quiet.
Thanks. Thanks.
So, Suzanne and I just wanted to say –
Thank you, for –
MUM leaves the room.
For being here today, it means a lot to us. And. We found this – this bit of video, which we don’t think any of you will have seen because we think it was the last thing he ever recorded, so –
Sorry.
So we wanted to show it to you. If you’d all like to gather round.
The guests all gather round to watch the TV. ALICE is in the middle of the group.
DAD speaks to the WAITER, to get him to start the tape.
OK, thank you.
The guests watch as JOE’s voice, and then ALICE’s, come out of the screen.
JOE: (Laughing.) ...Come on, don’t get the face on, I’m recording it now.
ALICE: (On screen.) I don’t want to –
JOE: Right then, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, this is Alice’s birthday song...
(Strums a chord, sings the Artic Monkeys.) Now then mardy bum...
In the video, ALICE comes over and hits him on the head. He laughs.
Ow.
The guests all look at ALICE.
ALICE: (On screen.) Stop doing stupid songs.
In the video, ALICE stamps out of the room.
JOE: Al – come back, I’ve got your – It took me ages, come on.
OK, Alice is in a mard, so here’s her song and she can watch it when she’s feeling better. Happy Birthday Bumface.
(sings)
This song is like your brother, slightly rubbish but it’s yours,
Goes round and round inside your head,
It never seems to pause or finish.
But after quite a time you find it kind of wears you down,
Pretending not to listen but you’re struggling to frown.
(It’s your birthday.) So don’t frown.
This song is like your brother, it’ll try to make you laugh,
And when it learns to drive you’ll find it
Drops you off, picks you up from places.
It helps you with your homework, it’ll help you find your phone
It helps you feel less frightened and alone.
You’re not alone.
So Happy Birthday Alice,
This little song’s for you,
It’s not very original,
Your brother’s quite a throwback.
It’s the only thing I’ve got you
It’s the most I can afford
‘Cause of spending all my money on a
Skateboard.
This song is like your brother, it prefers its pizza cold,
And also, like your brother it’ll
Be here when you’re old and weary.
This song is like your brother, this brother’s like your song,
It’s got your back it’ll come back every
Birth – day – from – now – on...
Into riff on ‘Happy Birthday etc...’
The other guests disappear, until ALICE is left alone, watching the TV, lit only by the light from the screen. She is totally absorbed by the video.
The only things left are ALICE, the armchair (on a strangely-shaped piece of carpet) and the TV.
The TV starts to disappear through the floor. ALICE gets up and goes towards it, willing it to stay.
After a moment, ALICE looks around her, finally realising the house has gone, that she’s alone in a blank space, with no idea where she is.
A pair of long white ears appears through the seat of the armchair, followed shortly by a white motorbike helmet, (which the ears are growing out of), and underneath that, wearing the helmet, a man all dressed in white.
He sees ALICE.
WHITE RABBIT: Right. Excellent. Here you are. All ready?
The WHITE RABBIT climbs out of the chair.
ALICE: What?
WHITE RABBIT: Good, I should go. Got your helmet?
He looks down, realising he’s got his jacket on back to front.
Oh look at me.
He clumsily takes it off and puts it back on the right way round during the next (without noticing that it’s also inside-out).
ALICE: Helmet?
WHITE RABBIT: Didn’t they tell you?
ALICE: What, who?
WHITE RABBIT: Have you got any kind of hard hat with you?
ALICE: A hat?
WHITE RABBIT: Have you ever played that game where everything you say has to be a question?
ALICE: Game?
WHITE RABBIT: Yup, yes, very good.
ALICE: I wasn’t playing a –
That’s still inside out.
WHITE RABBIT: Oh. Dear.
He takes his jacket off again and turns it outside-out before putting it back on.
So you haven’t got a hard hat?
ALICE: No, um –
WHITE RABBIT: I’m sure you’ll be fine, just look out for the cabbages. Pretty lethal if you don’t see them coming.
Right, good, I must go.
The WHITE RABBIT goes back towards the armchair, in a hurry.
ALICE: Where you going?
WHITE RABBIT: I’ve got to, um –
ALICE: You can’t go, what am I supposed to –
WHITE RABBIT: You want me to stay here?
ALICE: I mean – I mean – what’s going on? What is this?
WHITE RABBIT: Right right yeah yeah.
Yeah, I’m not really supposed to –
It’ll get explained to you once you’re inside.
ALICE: Once I’m inside what? I don’t want to go inside anything.
WHITE RABBIT: I think actually, it’s not really, um. Optional.
ALICE: What?
WHITE RABBIT: Don’t shoot the messenger, OK? It’s pretty – Difficult to explain.
ALICE: Sorry. Sorry.
Where’s my family? Where’s all our things?
WHITE RABBIT: Where they always were. Mostly.
ALICE: Are you being deliberately –
WHITE RABBIT: There’s things I can’t tell you yet.
ALICE: Why?
WHITE RABBIT: Because you’ve sort of got to work them out for yourself?
ALICE: OK. Well. I prefer having the answer and then working back from it, I’m that sort of –
The WHITE RABBIT looks at his watch, trying to be surreptitious, but ALICE sees.
Sorry, am I keeping you?
WHITE RABBIT: What?
ALICE: Tell me what’s going on.
WHITE RABBIT: OK.
OK. You’ve gone into a kind of hole. A kind of –
It’s called a rabbit hole. Hence the, um (He points to his ears.)
ALICE: What am I here for?
WHITE RABBIT: There’s something you need to go through before you can go back.
ALICE: What if I don’t want to ‘go through’ something?
WHITE RABBIT: You don’t really have a choice. The longer you fight it, the longer you’ll stay, actually. I’m told.
ALICE: Stay here. In this room?
WHITE RABBIT: Yup.
ALICE: With you?
WHITE RABBIT: Not so much.
ALICE: But I can’t just –
You know, my parents are going to be really cross if I’ve gone off somewhere, they’ll be really cross at you.
WHITE RABBIT: I think they’ve got other things on their minds, haven’t they?
ALICE turns away from him. The WHITE RABBIT looks at his watch.
ALICE: (In a small voice.) So what do I have to do?
WHITE RABBIT: Good question. Um.
He tries to remember.
He starts to go through his pockets. He pulls out various scraps of paper.
Something about ‘you’ve got to’ – oh what was it?
He looks at a piece of paper.
Here we go – no that’s a receipt for some beans –
Oh, what was it? I did say it shouldn’t be my job to –
ALICE: I really quite need to know.
WHITE RABBIT: Yeah I know I know. Something about a heart – like, um, anyone who had a heart, or – total eclipse of the heart, or –
ALICE: Heart attack?
WHITE RABBIT: That’s it! ‘You’ve got to go right to the heart’.
ALICE: What does that mean?
WHITE RABBIT: You know, I’d love to stay here chatting but I’ve really got to get. On.
The WHITE RABBIT goes to the armchair and picks up one corner of the carpet underneath it – it turns out to be rigid, and he folds it upwards. He continues to do so with the other corners, eventually making a wooden box (the same colour as the floor) which encloses the armchair.
ALICE: But what does ‘go right to the Heart’ mean?
WHITE RABBIT: You’ll work it out. Think of it like a lovely crossword or treasure hunt or something –
ALICE: What you doing?
WHITE RABBIT: You’ll be alright, you’ll find everything you need, don’t worry.
ALICE: You said I needed a hard hat –
WHITE RABBIT: DUCK!
ALICE ducks, frightened. Nothing else happens. After a second she straightens up again.
Good reflexes, you’ll be fine.
The WHITE RABBIT climbs into the box, now fully constructed.
Go right to the heart – all you need to do.
The WHITE RABBIT closes the lid, shutting himself inside the box. ALICE runs towards it.
ALICE: No, wait, where are you –
ALICE tries to find the lid of the box.
How does this open? How does this –
ALICE hammers on the box with her fist.
Come out I want to talk to you.
Please come out.
Please don’t leave me.
The box starts to sink into/through the floor.
No no no no no no no.
Wait, don’t –
Don’t go. Please.
ALICE kicks the box, angry.
Don’t bloody leave me here.
She kicks the box again, hurting her foot this time. She sinks to the floor, clutching her foot.
Ow that hurt that hurt.
ALICE watches the box disappear through the floor, and the floor seal itself up again.
She looks up. She looks around at an almost bare room.
So what’s –
Where. Is –
Who. Was –
Who. Um. Am –
She stands up. Her foot still hurts from kicking the box.
Where’s my mum and dad?
Ow. Ow, that. Ow. Ow that hurts.
Where’s the man gone with the ear things, rabbit things, ears?
Not here.
Ow.
OK. Get out. If you can get in, got to be able to get out, surely.
I mean, how did I – How did I get in?
Where’s the door?
Where would they put the door?
If I was making this room, where would I put the door?
Ow, is that a splinter?
If I was a complete mentalist and I was making a deliberately confusing room, where would I put the door?
On the ceiling.
ALICE looks up.
There isn’t a ceiling. Brilliant.
ALICE looks down again and sees a table over the other side of the room.
That – That wasn’t there. That was not there – that’s come from –
Where did that come from?
It must’ve – I must just not’ve seen it it’s OK.
ALICE goes over to the table. There’s a key on it. ALICE picks it up.
OK. OK, for what?
ALICE turns around. There’s a tiny door across the other side of the room.
Right. Is that –
If that’s the way out then it’s a rubbish one, if that’s the only way out.
Is that seriously the –
How’m I supposed to get through that?
This is stupid.
ALICE looks at the table. There’s a small bottle on it which wasn’t there before.
Um, no. No – who put that there?
She looks around.
Seriously, who put that there?
I don’t think this is funny, by the way. I think this is just. Actually childish, so –
ALICE goes over to the table and looks at the bottle.
And this is and this is and this is what is this?
‘Drink Me’
Drink Me. Good idea bad idea? Bad idea. Don’t be a dick.
Alice puts the bottle down on the table and steps away from it.
What would Joe do?
Step of the kerb without looking. Of course.
ALICE goes over to the little bottle and drinks about half of it.
Quite nice, actually. Popcorn? Is it popcorn? Buttered toast.
She looks at the door again. It’s now the size of a normal door.
Big door.
That grew when I –
Or did I shrink? Did I shrink?
God this is –
Maybe I shrank. Maybe I’m tiny. Have I shrunk?
Whatever – result! Good result! Going through the door –
ALICE goes to the door and tries the handle, but it won’t open.
What? Come on.
She turns around to look at where the table was, but because she’s shrunk, it now towers over her.
No no no no no
The key the key the key where’s the key where’s the key
Where’s the key
Where’s the key
Where’s the bloody key?
She looks up, realises it’s still on the top of the table.
Oh god.
ALICE makes an attempt to climb the leg of the table, but there’s nothing to hold on to, it’s too slippery.
I can’t do it without the key.
Her attention is caught by a small cake on the floor.
I said key not cake.
She looks at the cake.
‘Eat Me’
That looks nice, actually. Yeah, Stranger Danger. Don’t eat the sweets.
What happens if I eat it?
What happens if I don’t?
She bites into the cake very carefully, then after a moment in which nothing terrible happens, she takes another bite, and another.
That’s actually really nice.
Three bites into it she puts a hand to her stomach.
Ooh, Alton Towers...
It seems to go away, so she carries on eating the cake.
This is so much nicer than Mr Kiplings. What’s in that icing?
ALICE is distracted by the cake and doesn’t notice that she’s growing – the table shrinks back to normal size and the door is replaced by a tiny one.
When she finishes the cake, ALICE looks at the table.
Oh yay, have I grown? I’ve grown.
ALICE runs over to the table.
The key the key the key.
She picks up the key.
The key!
She’s about to turn around when she stops dead.
Oh no.
She turns round to have her suspicion proved true – the door has also shrunk.
Oh no.
It’s like a computer game, this. I hate computer games.
This is bloody stupid.
She’s about to give up, when she looks down and sees the bottle in her hand.
OK.
Computer game.
She drinks part of the liquid left in the bottle, then turns back and looks at the door. It’s now medium-sized.
Good good good
> She drinks the rest of the bottle down, facing away from the door, and when she turns back, it’s normal-sized.
OK. Here we go. Got the key, got the door, here we go.
She goes over to the door and puts the key in the lock.
With a great clanking sound the entire back wall concertinas open to reveal what seems to be a massive cupboard, a huge jumble of mad things and madder people.
ALICE peers into the gloom behind the door. Various figures are dimly visible but strange and unnerving.
A small mechanical toy wheels out of the gloom and whizzes past ALICE, along the floor. She follows it, her attention drawn away from the world behind the door.
As ALICE is looking the other way, a voice calls out from the gloom, amplified by a megaphone.
CATERPILLAR: Stay where you are.
ALICE looks around, unsure where the voice is coming from. She moves a step or two.
I said. Stay where you are.
ALICE: Is someone there?
Out of the gloom, a low vehicle comes towards ALICE, much like a chaise longue, but with many wheels. A large CATERPILLAR is reclined on it, speaking from a megaphone.
He’s followed by a team of minions – these are Wonderlanders, citizens of the state of Wonderland.
The chaise longue stops at a short distance from ALICE. The CATERPILLAR pauses and blows into what looks like a hookah attached to the chaise longue – when he blows into it, bubbles come out.
CATERPILLAR: Trying to sneak across the border, were you?
ALICE: What border?
CATERPILLAR: By the power invested in me by the King and Queen of Wonderland I command you to cooperate with state immigration policy.
ALICE: I can hear you fine you don’t need the thing.
CATERPILLAR: Stand behind the line until you’re invited to approach the desk.
ALICE: What line? What desk?
The WONDERLANDERS use some tape to create a line in front of ALICE. Then they erect a desk across the caterpillar’s lap. They hand him various pieces of paper, which he scrutinises, and either eats or rubber stamps.
Sorry, what do I –
CATERPILLAR: Wait until you’re called forward. You’re not the only person here, you know.
ALICE looks behind her.
ALICE: I sort of am.
The WONDERLANDERS watch her carefully, pretending that they aren’t.
She takes out her mobile phone and looks at it. No signal.
She holds it above her head and all around her, looking for a signal.
(A swear word.) Arsene Wenger.
One of the WONDERLANDERS sees this and whispers to the CATERPILLAR. He looks at ALICE.
CATERPILLAR: Hand over the device.
ALICE: It’s not a device it’s just a – It’s Pay As You Go.
CATERPILLAR: Are you failing to cooperate? Any failure to cooperate will result in immediate expulsion.
