by Laura Wade
QUEEN: All rise!
Everyone starts to stand up.
KING: No no, my dear, not now.
Unsure what to do, everyone shufflingly sits down again.
Call the first witness!
WHITE RABBIT: Call Mr M. Hatter!
The call is heard being repeated down the hallway several times, then the HATTER’s voice is heard approaching.
HATTER: (Off.) Yes yes, I’m coming I’m coming. Get your hands off me. Can’t a chap finish his tea first?
The HATTER flies into court, as if pushed backwards. He has a cup of tea in one hand, and a piece of bread and butter in the other.
When he sees the QUEEN he bows low.
Your majesty.
QUEEN: I know you.
HATTER: Yes, your majesty. I was, lately, milliner to the queen.
KING: Mr Hatter – I understand you saw the tarts being stolen by the Knave.
KNAVE: Objection! Leading the witness.
QUEEN: Overegged.
KING: Mr Hatter?
HATTER: Yes yes, I saw it. I saw him take the tarts.
KING: Go on – where were you?
HATTER: I was standing on the edge of the woods, just minding my own business when I saw the royal tarts being taken for a cooling stroll and I thought aw bless her, bless the queen –
QUEEN: Get on with it.
HATTER: Yes, so just as I was thinking this, along comes a man and takes the tarts clean away. Horrified, I was. Rooted to the spot.
KING: Did you have a good look at the man?
HATTER: I’ve never seen a more evil looking face.
KING: And do you see the man here in court?
HATTER: Yes, your majesty. Him.
The HATTER points at the WHITE RABBIT. The public gallery gasps.
The QUEEN coughs.
I mean him, there.
The HATTER points at the KNAVE.
The Knave of Hearts. Definitely him.
KING: No further questions.
The KING sits down at his desk.
WHITE RABBIT: Appearing for the defence: The Knave of Hearts.
ALICE: He’s defending himself?
KNAVE: Mr Hatter –
The KNAVE looks at the KING, pointing to the barrier around him.
I can’t – I can’t do it from behind here, can I?
QUEEN: Then you shouldn’t have stolen the tarts!
KNAVE: Can I come out for the cross-examination at least?
KING: Let him out. But keep an eye on him.
One side of the pen is opened by an OFFICIAL, and the KNAVE comes out.
KNAVE: Mr Hatter?
HATTER: Yes.
KNAVE: Mr M. Hatter.
HATTER: Yes.
KNAVE: What does the M stand for?
HATTER: I don’t know, um. Nothing.
KNAVE: Do you like jam, Mr Hatter?
HATTER: Oh yes. Who doesn’t like jam?
KNAVE: How often would you say you got to enjoy some lovely jam?
HATTER: Oh, hardly ever. All jam property of the queen.
KNAVE: What if there was some jam the queen didn’t know about?
HATTER: I don’t know what jam you mean.
The KNAVE is standing close to the HATTER and changes his tone, switching to a friendlier voice.
KNAVE: Mr Hatter, you said you were just having your tea?
HATTER: Oh yes. Tea time.
KNAVE: What would you normally have for your tea? On a normal day?
HATTER: Tea.
KNAVE: And to eat?
HATTER: Bread and butter.
KNAVE: That’s a nice necktie, by the way.
HATTER: Thank you very much.
KNAVE: Shame it’s got something on it.
The HATTER looks down at the tie.
HATTER: Oh, just a bit of jam.
The courtroom gasps in horror. The HATTER realises too late that he’s been tricked.
I mean – I mean –
That? Oh, just a bit of Hendersons.
The KNAVE turns to the court OFFICIAL who has been furiously writing down everything being said.
KNAVE: Would you read back what the Hatter said to me in response to my question about the spot on his necktie?
OFFICIAL: ‘Oh just a bit of jam’
KNAVE: ‘Oh just a bit of jam’. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I would ask you to consider carefully the trustworthiness of this man’s evidence. I would say that Mr M Hatter – what does the M stand for again?
HATTER: Mad.
KNAVE: Mad?
HATTER: But it doesn’t mean –
KNAVE: How can we take anything this man says seriously when he’s both mad and a jam smuggler?
HATTER: I haven’t done anything.
KNAVE: Where did you get the jam from, then? The inside of a tart?
The HATTER points at the QUEEN.
HATTER: She gave it to me! They brought it on a teaspoon. They said ‘pretend you saw it and you’ll get a whole jar’.
The courtroom gasps. The QUEEN blushes.
QUEEN: Oh well, everybody knows he did it anyway.
KING: Witness dismissed.
The HATTER is manhandled out of the court by several officials.
HATTER: I’m sorry your majesty! I’m sorry.
QUEEN: Off with his head!
The QUEEN settles back into her chair, unable to look the KING in the eye.
KING: Next witness?
The KNAVE is led back to the pen, and the square is closed around him.
WHITE RABBIT: Call the Duchess!
The call echoes down the hall again.
KING: I hope you haven’t messed with this one, my dear.
The DUCHESS is brought in and curtsies elaborately to the QUEEN.
DUCHESS: Dearest Queenie.
The QUEEN folds her arms and looks away.
QUEEN: Can’t stand the sight of her.
DUCHESS: Now don’t be a meanie Queenie – I’ve come to help you.
The DUCHESS tries to get closer to the QUEEN but a couple of officials lead her to the witness box.
The KING stands up to question her.
KING: Just to confirm your identity, you are –
DUCHESS: I saw it. I saw it happen. I was standing at the edge of the wood, close to where I live, just minding my own business when out of nowhere, he comes along. Mr Sneaky. The Knave of Hearts. And takes the tarts clean away. Ask the poor cook’s boy, he was as shocked as I was.
QUEEN: The cook’s boy is no longer with us.
DUCHESS: Dismissed?
QUEEN: His head was dismissed from his shoulders, yes.
DUCHESS: I could tell, you know, what wonderful tarts they were. Organic flour, locally sourced, seasonal ingredients –
QUEEN: Oh shut up. Get her off.
KING: Thank you, no further questions.
DUCHESS: Don’t you want to ask me about –
KING: Your witness.
The KNAVE once again steps out from behind his barrier and approaches the witness box.
KNAVE: The Duchess and I already know each other, of course, having both enjoyed the Queen’s best-friendship at one time. Happy days, yes?
DUCHESS: I was at the palace every day. We’d talk, go shopping...
KNAVE: And I suppose you imagined that would always be the case.
DUCHESS: Yes.
KNAVE: But then something happened, didn’t it?
DUCHESS: A baby happened. And she stopped wanting to be friends with me.
QUEEN: A terrible child!
KNAVE: She seemed, suddenly, what – frosty? Dismissive?
DUCHESS: Angry – I didn’t know what I’d done.
The KNAVE hands the DUCHESS a tissue.
KNAVE: So when you saw me stealing the tarts that must have seemed like a good opportunity – when you saw me pinching those delicious tarts – what flavour were they? I’ve forgotten.
DUCHESS: Apricot.
KNAVE: Apricot jam tarts.
DUCHESS: Yes.
<
br /> KNAVE: When you saw me walking away with an armful of apricot jam tarts –
KING: Objection! Leading the witness.
The KNAVE pulls off the cloth covering the tarts.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I think you’ll agree with me that these tarts are without a shadow of a doubt made with strawberry rather than apricot jam.
DUCHESS: I’m colourblind!
KNAVE: I put it to you, Duchess, that you took it upon yourself to come here without the least evidence, purely for personal gain –
QUEEN: Witness dismissed.
DUCHESS: But I only wanted to please you –
QUEEN: Off with her head!
The DUCHESS is led out of the courtroom, wailing.
The officials try to lead the KNAVE back to his pen, but he struggles.
KNAVE: You can’t put me in there now – you haven’t got a leg to stand on.
QUEEN: I’ve got as many legs to stand on as I want – I won’t have it – someone must have seen what happened –
The QUEEN looks around the courtroom. ALICE stands and puts her hand up.
ALICE: I did.
The courtroom turns to look at ALICE.
That is, I um. I saw him take them.
The KING comes over to ALICE.
KING: Did you really?
ALICE: I really did, I promise.
The KING turns to the QUEEN.
KING: Permission to call another witness.
QUEEN: Bestowed!
The KNAVE comes towards ALICE, snarling, but is led back to his pen by the officials.
WHITE RABBIT: Call Alice!
ALICE is led to the witness box. The KING approaches.
KING: Now, tell the court what you saw, as much as you can remember.
Take your time.
ALICE: I was standing near where the Hatter lives,
KING: Minding your own business?
ALICE: I was trying to work out how to get home. And I saw a boy pulling a trolley with some tarts on it. And then when the boy wasn’t looking I saw the Knave –
KING: Did you know who he was?
ALICE: No, I didn’t know then. But I recognised him straight away the next time I saw him, at the croquet.
KING: And you saw him take the tarts.
ALICE: Yes, and then he saw me and he said if I told anyone he’d kill me.
The courtroom gasps.
KING: That he’d kill you.
ALICE: Yes.
The courtroom gasps.
KING: This man here?
ALICE: Yes.
KING: I rest my case.
QUEEN: Case closed. Off with his head!
KNAVE: But I haven’t asked any questions –
QUEEN: I’m bored now.
KNAVE: Your majesty, please. One last thing before I say goodbye to my head.
QUEEN: Go on then.
The KNAVE comes out from behind his barrier.
KNAVE: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, permit me to introduce a new piece of evidence.
The KNAVE takes a folded piece of paper out of his pocket.
This was found in Alice’s pocket. I think you’ll agree it’s very. Enlightening.
ALICE feels her pocket – it’s now empty.
ALICE: But how did you –
KNAVE: (Reading.)
Twas brillig and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe...
ALICE: It’s just a silly poem.
KNAVE: I think not.
Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch –
Jaws that bite what, may I ask? Claws that catch tarts?
I think it’s pretty clear this is a document written by someone plotting a tart theft –
ALICE: I didn’t write it.
KNAVE: Borogoves we know to be a slang word young people use for certain jam-filled foodstuffs –
ALICE: It doesn’t mean that. Borogoves are birds with long legs and feathers all sticking out –
The jury laughs.
It’s true, Humpty Dumpty told me! Ask Humpty Dumpty if you don’t believe me.
KING: Perhaps we should call Humpty Dumpty.
The WHITE RABBIT whispers in the KING’s ear.
Ah. Shame.
QUEEN: What is it?
KING: Humpty Dumpty had something of a fall. Cavalry couldn’t get there in time.
QUEEN: Carry on, Knave. I’m quite enjoying this.
KNAVE:
So rested he by the Tumtum tree –
Tumtum of course signifying hunger.
And as in uffish thought he stood –
ALICE: I don’t know what any of it means.
KNAVE: A brilliant piece of lyrical styling, but the arrogant criminal always makes one mistake.
Do the jury know, I wonder, what the French for Jabberwock is?
ALICE: The French?
KNAVE: The French for Jabberwock is ‘Aistolthatartez’.
The crowd gasps.
ALICE: It’s just a piece of paper, I didn’t write it. Someone sent it to me.
KNAVE: I mean I think the word ‘snicker-snack’ says it all, don’t you?
QUEEN: Guilty!
ALICE: No! It’s not fair!
The whole courtroom starts to laugh.
What? What’s funny?
QUEEN: Fair? Whoever expected a trial to be fair?
KNAVE: ‘It’s not fair’!
ALICE: Of course they’re supposed to be fair, that’s the point.
That’s why you have a jury.
KING: What a trial has to do with fairness –
QUEEN: ‘It’s not fair’! Hilarious!
The QUEEN wipes her eyes.
Oh that’s cheered me up.
KNAVE: You’re going down! You’re going down!
ALICE: But I didn’t do anything!
KNAVE: ‘It’s not fair’!
ALICE: No, shut up and listen. I didn’t do anything. He’s lying. This is a ridiculous place.
QUEEN: Poor thing thinks life should be fair.
ALICE: You’re all idiots. What a stupid bunch of –
The courtroom dissolves in a deluge of bouncing coloured rain.
WHITE RABBIT: Hold on to me.
ALICE holds the WHITE RABBIT’s arm until the deluge subsides and the courtroom, and all the people in it, have disappeared.
ALICE lets go of the WHITE RABBIT’s arm and backs away from him. They’re in a blank space, as when she first met him. ALICE tries to work out what’s going on.
WHITE RABBIT: There we go. I think it’s –
He looks up. One more drop falls and bounces.
Hmm.
He looks up again. Nothing.
Yes I think it’s stopped.
ALICE: So what, are you going to take me to some bonkers jail now? Entomb me in jelly or something?
WHITE RABBIT: Eek. You’re angry.
ALICE: I’m furious. That was total nonsense, call that a fair trial –
WHITE RABBIT: It’s actually good if you’re angry.
ALICE: Is it?
WHITE RABBIT: To be in contact with your – yes – absolutely. Result.
ALICE: What?
WHITE RABBIT: You’ve found it. You’ve found your heart.
ALICE looks at him, stunned.
What?
ALICE: My heart?
WHITE RABBIT: Yes. Hurrah. I mean – sort of – Go right to the heart, I said.
ALICE: The Heart I was looking for was my heart?
WHITE RABBIT: Yes. Bingo. Game over.
ALICE: All this time I’m walking around like a human thesaurus – did he mean the centre, or the Heart of the matter, or the queen of Hearts or – all this time you just meant my heart?
You could have saved me a lot of –
WHITE RABBIT: Yeah but you needed to – to get there on your own. I did say that.
ALICE: I was at
a funeral, yeah? That was important, that was –
WHITE RABBIT: This was important.
ALICE: Wandering around flipping Monkey Island talking to one flipping nutter after another?
WHITE RABBIT: To teach you something, help you learn something.
ALICE: Croquet? Tea parties?
WHITE RABBIT: Well the tea party of course was a lesson about time.
ALICE: It was mostly some guff about jam, wasn’t it?
WHITE RABBIT: You see what happens is, all the time you’re there thinking it’s mostly about jam – on the surface, yes – but there’s this other voice going into your head sideways telling you time’s a great healer, for example, that things’ll get better with time and in your heart you know that clocks and time and people all have to move forward, don’t they?
ALICE: Obvious.
WHITE RABBIT: There were lessons here for – for you to learn from.
ALICE: What, lessons like steer clear of duchesses, they’re all nuts?
WHITE RABBIT: You don’t know what life’s going to throw at you next.
ALICE: Sometimes life throws you a pig dressed as a baby.
WHITE RABBIT: And you catch it, don’t you? You caught it. Set it free.
ALICE: And then a cat-man comes along and does creepy smiling at you.
WHITE RABBIT: Other people’s smiles look strange at the moment ‘cause you don’t feel like smiling yourself.
ALICE: And what about Humpty Dumpty? – he was horrible.
WHITE RABBIT: He was difficult. But things have to be difficult sometimes.
Difficult’s good for you in the end.
ALICE: And the stupid poem – the Jabberwocky?
WHITE RABBIT: Well that’s about your fear of not understanding things. Remember what the Cheshire Cat said about how things don’t always make sense? That sometimes you just have to accept it?
ALICE: I hate things that don’t make sense.
WHITE RABBIT: But things that don’t make sense are as much part of life as things that fit together perfectly. It’s your age – you think everything should add up and everything should be fair –
ALICE: Oh don’t tell me what a child I am.
WHITE RABBIT: I know, I know. You feel a hundred years old.
The thing is that there are some things in the world that can’t be understood.
It’s time for you to get out of the house, Alice.
ALICE: Don’t tell me what I – This was a stupid wild goose chase. God’s sake I know exactly where my heart is cause it aches like a –
WHITE RABBIT: Like walking around with a tin bath strapped to your back?
ALICE: He’s been dead two weeks and you want me to be dancing around?
WHITE RABBIT: No no, not now – but one day.
