“Well, I don’t have an old country as recently in my family history, but I’ve always believed such things were possible. My grandmother was from New Orleans.” She left it at that, and quick visions of the grave of the voodoo queen we’d seen on the National Parks tour of the cemetery on our visit to New Orleans sprang to mind.
“So, see, if you can convince yourself to believe, maybe your mom will grace you with a visit.” Perhaps she thought this sounded a little cavalier, because she added, “Really, kiddo, it’s something you could hope for, and after a while, as the hope dies away, maybe you’ll realize you don’t need it anymore.”
“Even if I believe, wouldn’t she have had to believe, too?”
“Now, that I don’t know. Maybe believing after she’s passed over is enough.” Lorraine stood to go.
“You didn’t really tell me much about your ghost, Lorraine.”
“No, I didn’t.” She smiled her smile that said I wasn’t going to get any more out of her, and turned and left.
There was something I didn’t tell you, either, Lorraine. Maybe my mother was already haunting me.
It could have been the season, approaching Halloween, but I kept thinking about Lorraine’s story of her ghost. The doctors had said what they often say when they have run out of things to try: that my mother’s life depended on her will to live. Even though she was unconscious, maybe she was fighting to stay with us, and she did hang on for days after the accident. I had to admit that, even before Lorraine told me about her own ghost, I had caught myself looking for some sign that she would come back and explain things to me. But there was no sign, and the diary was my only link. Its pages had to be camouflaging a clue from her.
33
Juliana
7 March
I feel fairly safe here in Sevilla. I doubt my father would think that I would be able and willing to come so far. I have always been dependent upon him, as any young lady relies upon her family. But now that I have cut myself from him forever, I know that I must be capable of doing that which I am capable of conceiving.
Even more than for my safety, I wish to flee Spain itself. It has become for me the symbol of all that has happened to me, all that has shattered my life. I not only abandon Spain. I condemn her.
8 March
Today I overheard Don Luis telling Doña Catalina that he had heard from a friend an unusual story about a business acquaintance, a Señor de Ovando, who had received a request to search for a girl, believed to be visiting the city from Madrid. Don Luis’s friend found the story rather strange, and said that he had heard it from yet another party, and that the particulars seemed to be rather muddled. Don Luis questioned why a girl would be visiting from Madrid without parent or dueña, and the friend said that upon reflection, he now recalled that there was talk of the girl’s father. Yes, that was it. The person was searching for a man and his daughter. Doña Catalina remarked that men were just as likely as women to gossip, and to get the facts confused upon the telling.
At first I had panicked upon hearing that someone was looking for a girl from Madrid, as I was afraid that my father might somehow have guessed at my destination. Once Don Luis had clarified that it was a father and daughter who were sought, I was greatly relieved. Still, my reaction, though short-lived, betrayed the fear that I harbor, even in the house of this benevolent family.
14 March
The Herreras continue to treat me very kindly, and I am truly fond of their four children, who range in age from four to eleven, three boys and a girl. Each seems interested and eager to learn the simple lessons that I teach. But my heart goes out especially to Floriana, who is six. On the first day, she was to be excluded from the lessons, as she is only a girl, but she cried most pitifully until her parents allowed her to participate along with her brothers.
She is curious, friendly, and unafraid. She stands up well to her two older brothers, yet I have seen her be quite tender with her younger brother. At times I look at her and pray that her fate will be to find a loving husband who will care for her and her children, that she will be lucky as her mother is lucky.
Seeing the sincere consternation on the part of Señor Herrera and Doña Catalina upon the dramatic demonstration of their daughter’s desire to study has caused me to wonder about my own education in my father’s home. I always vaguely realized that in this I was not like other girls, and I was glad for and proud of the knowledge I gained. Now I wonder why my father was so different in this regard. I do know that my Tía Ana has more learning than most women, and so perhaps my father simply absorbed the attitude of his own father in this regard. Still, I wonder whether he allowed and even fostered my instruction because it was the best way that he knew to connect with me. Perhaps it was because he wished that I had been a son.
15 March
A boy named Rodrigo, acting as page, accompanies me on my excursions from the house onto the city streets. Of the invented tale that I presented to the Herrera family upon my arrival, this was true, that I had hired a youth to direct me when I had first arrived in the city, though I instructed him to help me find a suitable place to stay, rather than the home of my husband’s business acquaintance, as I had said. It was strange how Rodrigo had seemed to appear from nowhere, offering to help me with my luggage, and to offer his services to me when he discovered that I was alone. Though I am inexperienced, I have seen in Madrid many boys and men, and even women, who live by their wits, and the goods they can cajole or purloin from others. But Rodrigo seems honest enough, and I have little choice if I am to learn more about this city in which I find myself. I wish to see new sites and experience what I can of the life here. Soon enough I will travel across the sea, then close myself off from the world forever.
Having satisfied Doña Catalina that I am not wandering about alone, she is content to have me discover a bit of Sevilla on my own. She and her husband were both born here and display a particular pride in their city. I must admit that I never expected to admire it so much. Having spent my life in Madrid, in the city of the court, with all of the pride and pomp entailed therein, I had hardly expected Sevilla to outshine her in many ways. Not only is Sevilla much larger, the activity and riches one sees here are quite dazzling. The exteriors of the houses are more ornate than in Madrid. Even as we approached Sevilla, we could see the Giralda, the steeple of the cathedral, which I am told was the minaret of the Grand Mosque in the time of the Moors. There are not only many churches and chapels, but also numerous convents and monasteries. At the same time, next to the symbols of wealth and faith, there are areas of great poverty.
The ladies of Sevilla seem more free to go about than is the case in Madrid. They are usually veiled but foil any modest intent of that garment, often revealing only one eye, in a manner that seems to pique the interest of the young men. I have taken to veiling myself as well, though not in the Sevillian manner. I am forever past the innocent pleasures of trying to attract the attentions of young men. From time to time these last weeks, I have thought of Antonio, and of the girlish fantasies I entertained of our lives together as man and wife. But he is part of the past I have abandoned, and I will try to torment myself no further with thoughts of him.
16 March
Today I persuaded Rodrigo to take me down to the docks, though he was initially quite stubborn in his refusal to do so. He objected that the docks were no place for a lady, and I must admit that he was right. There were many unsavory characters to be seen, both men and women, but there were also wonders to behold. There were hundreds of barges on the river, the Guadalquivir, which connects Sevilla to the sea. Among them were those bringing products which will ultimately be taken on the next fleet to leave for the Indies. All types of goods were in evidence, from fine cloths to timber and cordage. Rodrigo says that ships from all of Europe come to Sevilla, the gateway to the Spanish Indies, by the law of Spain.
18 March
Today I shall write of another aspect of Sevillian life, one that I did not expect. It is
the number of slaves. It is true that in Madrid there are some slaves, but it is rather uncommon, and as a foolish young girl I did not give it much thought. But here in Sevilla, indeed in most of Andalucía, it seems there are many slaves, most of black skin. Rodrigo tells me that many families purchase slaves, rather than hiring servants, and he showed me, as a matter of course, slaves being sold on the steps leading up to the cathedral. Even though they are but heathens, how could they be treated in this manner? Rodrigo tells me that many who have lived here for a time have even been baptized into Holy Mother Church, yet are bought and sold.
I am ashamed of the anguish I have felt for my misfortunes, for they are as nothing next to the humiliations these people have suffered. Shall not the tolerance of these violations serve to close men’s eyes to cruelty in every form? And this evil is far from limited to Spain. Most of those passing through this port are on their way to the Spanish Indies, to live a life of hopelessness and outrage. This is the refuge to which I hope to escape? They and I shall share an exile from our homelands, but how much kinder mine will be.
25 March
Before my beloved Silvia left, she explained to me that I could come with child because of what Don Lorenzo had done to me, and she told me the signs. I had thought that surely God would spare me such a trial, but that is not to be.
I succumb to despair.
1 April
I have started to emerge from my despondency. I cannot tell Doña Catalina of my condition, and she has attributed my gloom to my difficult circumstances. She tries to make me focus on my husband’s joy at receiving me. I know that were the Herreras to know the truth, they would insist that I remain with them until after the child is born. Even were they to relent, no captain would knowingly accept as passenger a woman in my condition.
Though for now I feel safe here in Sevilla, I fear that if I linger much longer, I may be in danger. I long to escape, to begin a new life, to relinquish memories and nightmares.
5 April
If only I had here the love and wisdom of my Tía Ana! Why did I never seek her knowledge in matters of the body? Perhaps it was in part because my father always spoke of her knowledge and charities with distaste, as though they were inappropriate for a woman, especially a lady of her class. Then, too, I did not expect to be cast adrift with no loving protector. I do not even know when my condition will start to become evident. I believe that it will not be for a while, but I am told that the journey to the New World takes two months. As we depart in mid-May, it will be mid-July when we make landfall. I will then be five months along. I believe that the fullness of the skirt of my guardainfante will make it possible to conceal any thickening. If not, I shall have to bind myself.
20 April
The routine of my days blurs them together in my mind. Only the ebb and flow of hope and of despair make one distinguishable from another. The loss of all that I have known, and the fear of what is to come, at times seem unbearable. The pleasure that I derive from being with the children helps me through the days, but at night in my own room, I find even this seems a bitter gall. For what of my own child? What joy will I ever have from my own babe?
24 April
I have been preparing for my journey. Little do I know what to expect. I am frightened, tired, and often sick, and I understand that sea travel makes many people ill.
It is difficult to describe what I feel for the child. I have often thought of my mother and wondered what she felt for the life growing within her. Was she happy? Did she love me? I wish that I could say that I do not resent the child for the deeds of the father, but this is not altogether so, and why should I require of myself that I love it, when I shall be compelled to give it up? But perhaps it is best to let myself feel the love for this child carried within my womb, for I shall never have this chance again. In my foolishness, I write as though one could control love.
Thus are my thoughts as I go about my daily tasks. I do not know whether writing them helps me purge them from my mind or imprints them on my memory.
30 April
Señor Herrera has shown his concern for me in many ways, not the least of which was finding a servant girl to accompany me. I expressed my aversion to the thought of purchasing a slave, and it took him several days to locate someone who was willing to set sail for New Spain. However, today he arrived home quite excited, announcing that he believed he had found the proper person.
“There is only one condition, to which I am certain you will gladly concede, Doña María,” he explained.
“And what is that, Don Luis?” I asked.
“You must promise to engage her as your household servant when you reach your new home. I know from her current employers that she is a hardworking and honest girl, and that she learns quickly. I am certain that you could continue to find some use for her once you have joined your husband.”
I did not wish to thwart his enthusiasm, but I tried to dissuade him from this solution. “I do not wish to appear ungrateful, señor. I know that you have been devoting much time and energy to identifying just such a girl, but are you certain that there is no possibility of finding someone who would come with no such encumbrance?”
Señor Herrera’s face betrayed a hint of surprise and displeasure. “I have, as you said, devoted much time and energy to this task, and I assure you, Doña María, that this is the best possibility. I am sure this girl will serve your needs well, not only on the voyage but also in New Spain.”
I recognized his tone as similar to my father’s when indicating that a discussion was closed, and that his opinion would overrule any objections I might raise. What recourse had I but to accept? Once again, I would practice deception to carry out my plans, but this time I might be inflicting harm on another young woman like me.
10 May
In two days, my companion, Luisa, and I shall sail for a land that seems unreal. The hope I have nurtured of being able to see my Silvia again has not come to pass, and I have had no word from her since she left to go to her cousins. I shall see her only in my memory, like all else I leave behind. I can help her only in my prayers.
11 May
If each and every scene I have imagined should be true, the New World is indeed a strange one. I shall be sad to bid farewell to the Herrera family, more kind to me than he whose duty it was to be so. Yet I cannot help but feel some excitement, too. What awaits me, I do not know, but I feel a strength earned from what I have endured, and no remorse in leaving this sorry Spain, which would condone the tyranny of honor.
12 May
Aboard the Ship Queen Isabel
This morning, the entire Herrera family accompanied Luisa and me to the ship. It was not easy to bid them farewell. They have been so kind to me and done so much for a girl who was more desperate than ever they could have guessed. Doña Catalina wept as she embraced me, and pressed into my hands some sweets that she had prepared especially for me. Floriana clung to my skirts and refused to let go, imploring her newfound friend and teacher to stay forever. Finally, Señor Herrera had to pull her from me, and she buried her tear-stained face in his shoulder. Luisa suffered no such distress in leaving friends behind. Indeed, there was no one there to wish her well or urge her to stay. She is slightly younger than I, and I admire her courage in seeking to cross the sea to a new land. She must have even less than I to tie her to this place. For both of us, our resolve has brought us to this journey, and there is no turning back.
13 May
The departure of the ship yesterday morning was both confusing and exciting, serving to take my mind from my worries. Thousands of people gathered at the banks of the Guadalquivir River to see the ships sail. Many are gorged with goods for the Indies, destined to return loaded with even greater riches. And what a number of ships! There are several dozen in the fleet, some merchantmen, others armed galleons, to protect us against Dutch and English ships and pirates, though I am told that the greatest danger is when the fleet returns, transporting precious metal from the New Worl
d. I remarked to one of the officers that there seems to me to be booty enough to entice the most avaricious of pirates, our cargo including fine cloth and other luxury items. He reassured me that the bulk of our goods are things that are greatly wanted in New Spain but of little use to pirates. One of the items is mercury, which will be used in the Mexican mines to extract silver. The pirates would much prefer to wait and hope for the bounty of a ship laden with that precious metal.
As we awaited our turn to sail, there was something of a disturbance onboard. An official clambered onto the ship, claiming excitedly that not all of the paperwork had been properly filled out. The captain assured him that the officials of the Contratación had checked all the bills of lading against the cargo, and all had been cleared. This official and his assistants, however, were from the Inquisition and had not yet had the opportunity to ensure that there were no books aboard that the Holy Office banned. At the mere mention of the Holy Office, the captain asserted that, of course, he would never think of aiding in any way those who would foment heresy, and he nervously acquiesced to the demands to search wherever they wished, even though the incident delayed our departure. When the officials had done their duty and were satisfied that the ship was free of heresy, they departed, and we were signaled to leave the dock shortly thereafter. Now we are sailing slowly down the Guadalquivir river. Tomorrow we reach the open sea.
Were it not for the events of these past months, I would still be sitting quietly in my room in Madrid, attempting to decipher the secret message my father would have me extract from some dramatic work. I had no choice in my leaving, but I have a choice in my destination. My falsehoods and my determination have brought me here.
The Lines Between Us Page 16
