by Anne Conley
She tried to laugh it off, but the idea of any of the guys looking at her bare back while she changed dressings was unappealing to say the least. Not that any of them would do anything, but it was the principal of the thing.
“I hadn’t thought of that.” Simon expelled a deep breath, and Deena Rae’s hopes soared. He was actually listening to her. “Okay. Work out a schedule of when you need your dressings changed and I’ll send Miriam over to help with that.”
Deena Rae sighed and let her head drop to the back of the couch. She could tell she wouldn’t get anywhere with this. She just wanted to take a damn nap and have all this disappear when she woke up.
“Fine,” she gritted out through clenched teeth. She wasn’t done fighting him, though. She was just taking a break until she could think of something he wouldn’t be able to argue with.
After hanging up the phone, Deena Rae called to Andrew and Zack. “Okay, you guys win for now. But y’all get the living room. If I catch either one of you in my bedroom, I’m going to feed your testicles to Mrs. Schraeder’s cat.” With that, she retired to her bathroom to take a cold shower and a nap.
For some reason, though, she had an insane urge to make snickerdoodles.
Chapter Twenty-nine
It had been a week she’d been home. An entire week of Deena Rae trying desperately not to bite the head off of Zack, who’d been left to protect her and Miriam, who’d been sent over three times a day to change her dressings on her back. Miriam commiserated with her, understanding the overbearing alpha tendencies of the guys they worked with. But Deena Rae still wanted to kill everybody who was invading her private space. She was desperate for it to be over. But everyone was still alive, and Deena Rae was proud of that.
When Slade came home, she pulled out her binoculars and watched, not caring that Zack puttered around in her kitchen. With Slade finally back home, it felt like some part of Deena Rae was right again, even if things were over between them. The finality of that was a hard pill to swallow, but she couldn’t see any way around it.
He entered his apartment, tossed the plastic bag of hospital gear on a table, and went into the bathroom. He was wearing a set of scrubs, probably because the clothes he’d come in with were ruined. Deena Rae was the only person she knew who could have taken him clothes to wear home, but she’d totally forgotten. A pang of guilt surged through her. She’d been sitting at home, missing him, and she hadn’t done the one thing he’d needed. Because they weren’t a thing anymore, she reminded herself. That was something a girlfriend would do, or a friend. She knew for damn sure she wasn’t a girlfriend, and she wasn’t sure about the friend thing.
Slade stripped as he walked through his apartment to his bathroom, never once looking in her direction. Another pang hit her—a pang of rejection. The first thing she’d done when she got home was look at his darkened apartment to make sure it was okay. And he hadn’t done the same.
But she’d told him they were done. She didn’t have a reason to expect him to still care.
She’d made a fucking batch of snickerdoodles every day she’d been home, bitching at herself the entire time she’d been baking them. Zack had eaten most of them, but she didn’t think he’d eaten today’s batch. Fascinated, she watched Slade come out of the shower and go to the kitchen. Deena Rae went to the kitchen and got a can of beer, mumbling at Zack to fuck off when he’d asked if he could have some cookies. Back at her station in her bedroom, beer in hand, she watched Slade sauté some chicken breasts and broccoli. He set the table, lit some candles, and served both plates, his movements slow and deliberate.
She was confused. Was he expecting company? She’d been so out of it on her first day back from the hospital, she hadn’t wanted to entertain company. But who would be coming over? She watched Slade examine the beautiful table for flaws, making sure his presentation was perfect.
Then, his mouth opened and the tendons in his neck strained, and Deena Rae imagined she could actually hear the primal roar coming from his apartment. He swept the dinner he’d just prepared to the floor in one smooth motion with his forearm, then clutched his hair, still yelling.
Deena Rae stood, unsure of what to do.
Her thoughts went, unbidden, to her parents, wondering what they would tell her to do about Slade. Their lives had been all about the motorcycles. Dad ran a bike shop, mostly doing custom work. Mom had kept the books and told him what a great job he did. They’d met at a stoplight, when she was in a car full of girls who’d catcalled him, and he’d managed to get her number. He’d memorized it, right there at the stoplight, and called her from a pay phone fifteen minutes later. The rest was history.
Deena Rae struggled to remember what her mom had told her she’d done before that. She was right out of high school, but what dreams had she had? Deena Rae knew her mom had been a dancer before she was born, even though she’d given it up to have kids. What had she given up to have a relationship with Dad?
Still watching him, Deena Rae tried to decide what she would give up to be with Slade.
Was it her pride? Was that what was keeping her away from him now, as he raged in his apartment? Or the anger she’d been so desperate to cling to?
As that thought formed in her brain, it was as if the anger dissipated, melting away, leaving her feeling a lightness she hadn’t felt in years.
Yes. This anger could go. She could sacrifice the anger at Slade, at her parents, at all the perceived injustices against her, for something with Slade. Her eyes went back to the apartment, where Slade was having a breakdown of epic proportions.
He was hurting. It wasn’t a physical hurt. And she wanted to help.
Without another thought, Deena Rae slipped into Slade’s jacket and marched into the kitchen to dump today’s pan of snickerdoodles into a sack. Zack heard her and said, “You taking those someplace?”
“Yeah. My neighbor’s home from the hospital.” Zack knew who her neighbor was. They hadn’t had any real conversations about him, but Zack had asked a few questions. It seemed he was proud of the fact he was the one who got Slade out of the car, but didn’t know what to do with the pride.
“Well, you know I have to go, too.”
“You’ll be staying outside sweating your balls off, then, because I need to talk to him.”
A sardonic smile spread across Zack’s face. He could assume all he wanted about what sort of “talking” Deena Rae had planned, but the truth was, she missed Slade.
She allowed Zack to follow her to Slade’s apartment, only one muttered curse as he tripped over a tree root. He was pretty good at navigating terrain, but if things got bad, she’d see him unfold his cane. Especially when Shania, his dog, wasn’t around. He’d actually brought Shania to her apartment a couple of times, but not always. She wasn’t here today.
Knocking at Slade’s door, Deena Rae contemplated just letting herself in—as she’d done so many times in the past—but knew if she did that, it would insinuate she was taking their relationship back to the way it had been.
This time, she was going to do things differently.
When Slade opened the door, the dark circles under his eyes took her breath away. She’d noticed them in the hospital the one time she’d snuck in to check on him while he slept, but then it was a hospital. People were supposed to look bad there. But here, where she’d only ever seen him healthy, it looked bad.
Real bad.
She suddenly felt awkward, especially when his mouth turned down into a frown at the sight of her. “I brought cookies.” Deena Rae held up the sack but couldn’t bring herself to smile. She could acknowledge this wasn’t the friendliest of calls. When his eyes slid to Zack, standing behind her, his frown grew. “He’s not coming inside.” When his eyes snapped back to hers, she continued, feeling stupid. “I mean, I’m not, either … unless you let me. I just wanted to bring you cookies and talk a little bit.”
Slade took a step back and opened the door wider, allowing her to enter. Deena Rae slipped past him, ig
noring the brush of her chest against his and the decadent, manly scent of his shower gel.
He grabbed the sack and limped into the kitchen, the sound of crunching pottery and broken dishes accompanying his footsteps.
“Sorry about the mess,” he muttered half-heartedly as he leaned against the counter, opened the sack, and took out a cookie. Biting into it gingerly, he closed his eyes while he chewed. “I don’t know how to tell you I’m sorry. I said it so many times before, I’m not sure how to say it again so you can hear it.” He sounded angry, but not at her, and she realized he was still giving himself shit about turning her over to Cecil. A seed of bitter satisfaction took root in her chest, but she didn’t want it to blossom. She wanted her forgiveness of Slade to be real, not just lip service to make everyone feel better.
“That’s not why I came over, Slade. Seriously.” Deena Rae sat on his couch and waited for him to join her in the living room. Instead, he grabbed a broom and started half-heartedly sweeping, probably to give himself something to do. She didn’t come over here to watch him clean. But he wasn’t looking at her. “Slade,” she said, her voice low. He still refused to look up, although his movements stilled. His head dropped to his hands, both resting on the broom handle. Deena Rae stood and walked to him. When she got there, she couldn’t think of a damn thing to say that wasn’t filled with regrets, so she just gave him a hug.
Without a word, he dropped the broom and enfolded her in his arms, holding her fiercely. He buried his face in her hair and breathed deeply. It hurt like hell, but Deena Rae wasn’t going to stop him. She couldn’t imagine what she smelled like that was lowering his heart rate as she felt the thumping thump thump grow slower and less erratic.
Pressed up against his body like this, she was trying to keep her thoughts platonic, but her body had other ideas. Luckily, he broke away just as her nipples pebbled into stiff peaks.
Slade leaned his forehead on hers, staring into her eyes with his dark ones. His eyes were filled with yearning—a longing she understood well but wasn’t going to act on. Or let him act on. The impulses were base, something primitive she could resist. She would resist.
Deena Rae was here to forgive him, to be friends with him. Baby steps. She’d let go of the anger, and it had been surprisingly easy, even if seeing him brought tendrils of it back.
His eyelids dropped and he moved his face closer to her, his hands pulling her against his body. He was about to kiss her.
“Please don’t fucking kiss me.” She wasn’t mad; Deena Rae was cussing for emphasis. It was probably a protective thing her psyche did. Besides, with that beard he was rocking out of the hospital rasping across her sensitive skin, she was almost positive she’d lose her panties in a heartbeat.
Slade pulled back and muttered a curse of his own. “Fuck.” He stepped away and looked at the floor, raking a hand through his long curls.
“You need a friend right now, Slade.” Deena Rae was quiet. “Let me be your friend.”
With a long sigh, he asked her, “Does he know?”
“Who? What?” She was lost, trying to tamp down erotic thoughts, and the sudden change of subject was discombobulating.
“Zack. Does he know I’m his brother?” Slade’s eyes were weary, as if he’d been carrying the burdens of the world, and she supposed he had. His own world’s burdens, at least.
“I haven’t told him.” Deena Rae was trying to be reassuring. A thought came to her, something that might make Slade feel better about things. “You should know, he’s the one who saved you. He got you out of that trunk.”
Slade blinked once, then once again. He swallowed. “But he’s blind.” Another blink.
“Legally blind. I’ve discovered the dude has impeccable instincts. He calls them ninja skills, but I think he sees more than we realize. I know for a fact he sees shadows and shapes and stuff. Colors. Especially bright ones. And his hearing is stupid sharp.”
Slade bent, picked up the broom, and started sweeping up the dishes and food. Deena Rae followed suit and started to help. She could do this. She would be there for Slade.
“I can do this, Deena Rae. You don’t need to help. I need to clean up my own shit.” She knew he was talking about more than just the chicken and dishes.
“Call me if you need to talk about anything, then. You know where to find me.” Without another word, she let herself out the door.
Chapter Thirty
“I just wanted to stop in and see how you were doing. You up for a visitor?” Deena Rae had just left, but the soft knock at his door sounded almost as soon as it shut behind her. When Slade answered to see Zack standing there, he opened the door without thought.
Slade’s brain swam with confusion. “Sure,” he answered awkwardly, wondering why Zack would care about him. He was still reeling from Deena Rae’s visit and all the unanswered questions; he wasn’t sure he could deal with this.
Zack looked nervous as he rubbed his hands on his thighs. “Uh, it’s not often I get to save someone from a burning car. I’m not usually out on a case, due to the fact I’m a blind bastard, but I was that night, and I wanted to check on you. Since I was the one who got you out of the car, I’m invested, you know? I want to make sure you’re surviving and shit.” He ended his ramble on a nervous chuckle.
A sliver of something foreign eased itself into Slade’s gut. It was something akin to light, like an awkward sense of familiarity, something he hadn’t felt in a long time, if ever. He led Zack into the living room and over to the couch, where they both sat.
“You want a beer or something? I’m not sure what I have, but I can look.”
Zack waved off his offer, and Slade studied him. “Nah. Deena Rae’s got plenty of that shit she calls beer over at her place. I’m good. I can’t stay long. Was just checking up on you.”
Maybe it was the meds. Maybe it was the physical pain he should be in, but couldn’t feel, confusing his senses. Maybe it was the thought of relief from some of the twistiness that was his life. Whatever it was, Slade blurted his next words, even though he was still hung up on the fact Zack, of all people, was the one who’d saved his life.
“You’re my brother.”
The words were spoken with a painful plainness, a sincerity he was almost afraid of. Zack was the last thing he had left in his miserable existence. He felt the need to put it out there, to find out if he still had anything at all, or if this was one more thing he’d lost.
Slade watched Zack carefully as his expression changed from an awkward smile, to tilting his head as if remembering something, to a total easing of his features into something slack and stupid as he digested Slade’s words.
“Well, that escalated quickly,” Zack quipped, attempting to lighten the somberness in the dark room. With a sigh, he removed his sunglasses, the blue eyes Slade hadn’t gotten from their father strangely focusing on him. “I have absolutely nothing to say to that,” he deadpanned. “That’s pretty heavy shit.”
“You don’t have to say anything, I guess. I just needed to tell you for some reason.” Slade needed to know if the last person in his life was going to stick around or not.
Zack leaned back on the couch as if his bones had suddenly turned to jelly, his face shuttered closed. “I thought it was the morphine,” he muttered. “Fucking death-bed confessions.” He rubbed his eyes, as if that would make him see again, and when he looked back at Slade, they glittered and shimmered with tears.
“I didn’t tell you to make you cry, man.” Although, he had rocked Zack’s world. While Slade had known his entire life about him, Zack didn’t. He tried to put himself in Zack’s shoes but couldn’t. Suddenly uncomfortable, Slade tried to shift on the couch, but he was in an awkward sideways position and it sent a pang of pain spiraling to his extremities. Zack was still rubbing at his eyes, but he stood, unfolding a cane he had in his pocket.
“Well, I have to go home with Deena Rae. I’m staying with her.” His voice was choked and thick. “I’ll see you around. I need to�
��” And without another word, he left, quicker than a man who couldn’t see should be able to.
Sinking back onto the couch, Slade thought about what had just happened. Something inside him was unfurling. It was slow and barely perceptible, but he could feel it, like a long-coiled tension was relaxing inside him.
Even if Zack didn’t follow through with the new information he had, Slade had done what his mama had always wished he’d done.
He’d started something. And now he was leaving it up to Zack what to do next. If nothing happened, Slade would be no worse off than he was now.
But somehow, he felt better. Grunting, he lifted himself from the couch and finished cleaning up his mess, his mind spinning between Deena Rae and Zack.
When Slade woke up in the hospital, he hadn’t thought to ever see her again. Sure, in his creepy, spying-a- her-window stuff, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to even look over there when he’d gotten home.
He’d been working on autopilot—some wish-fulfilling part of his brain working against him. He’d set the table for two, made dinner for two, under some ill-conceived notion there was still another person in his life.
The drugs they’d given him in the hospital were powerful. His brain was still foggy.
But Deena Rae had been here. She had offered up her friendship to him. And then his brother had stopped by to check on him, as if they had a relationship.
