by Helen Lowrie
What was I doing and more to the point what the hell was she playing at? Pulling away from her in alarm I glanced at the coffee table. We had polished off two whole bottles of wine – way more alcohol than I was used to.
‘Aw c’mon now. I saw the way you were looking at me,’ Jasmine purred.
‘No, I –’ With the back of my hand I wiped her waxy lipstick from my mouth. Was she deliberately trying to intimidate me? Humiliate me? ‘What about Jamie?’
‘Jamie?’
‘James, I mean, James. Don’t you? Won’t he –?’
Jasmine sighed and collapsed back against the couch rolling her eyes. ‘I don’t think James cares what I do any more. I thought you might be worth a try – see how he reacted. He’s never caught me with a woman before but it probably wouldn’t have made any difference.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘No, of course you don’t.’ Jasmine sighed again.
Standing up, and swaying slightly, I made my way to the kitchen where I filled two pint glasses with water and awkwardly carried them back to the lounge. I set one in front of Jasmine before sitting carefully at the other end of the couch, out of reach. She had lit up a cigarette and appeared to be considering something as I sipped my water.
‘What has James told you about me? About our relationship?’
‘Not much,’ I said, honestly. ‘He said you broke up after his dad died and he moved back here.’
Jasmine nodded and tapped ash into her empty wine glass and I took a cautious breath of relief. I hadn’t really doubted Jamie’s word. ‘It’s not as if I could come and live here is it?’ she said, indicating her distaste with a sweep of her hand. ‘But I didn’t think we were really finished – not for good. I thought he’d come to his senses and come back.’
I didn’t comment; I was curious to know what had gone wrong between them but it was none of my business.
‘He doesn’t seem to realise how lucky he was to have me, that’s what I can’t understand! I’m beautiful, sexy, talented – people are starting to recognise me now; everywhere I go men are falling over each other to date me. I’m number 64 on this year’s Up-and-Coming Actresses list for God’s sake!’
Suddenly amused I pursed my lips, trying not to laugh. Was she for real?
‘Not that he was ever any good for me,’ she said, angrily stubbing out her cigarette. ‘He’s never really loved me – not the way he should; he doesn’t hang on my every word like other guys do. He’s so damn laid-back! He just doesn’t adore me the way I deserve to be adored.’ Crossing her arms like a spoilt child she looked at me, as if expecting me to respond.
‘Maybe he’s just not as – expressive – as you?’
Jasmine threw her head back and let out a high-pitched squeal of a laugh. ‘Now there’s an understatement! He’s dead inside, that’s what he is! Maybe it’s because he grew up without a mother, I don’t know; he was never very close to his dad either –’
‘What happened to his mother?’ I’d wanted to find out long before now but it was a sensitive question and I’d been waiting for the right time to ask Jamie about her.
‘She died when he was about ten, I think. I don’t know; he never talked about her – that’s what I mean! He never once told me how he was feeling, not really. Never showed real emotion, never let me in.’
I couldn’t speak. Inside my heart was breaking for a ten-year-old Jamie. To have lost his mum just three years after she adopted him, after everything he had already endured.
‘Between you and me, I cheated on him all the time,’ Jasmine said, with satisfaction. I stared at her, incredulous, anger boiling up inside me. ‘I was careful at first and he had no idea but then I got annoyed and I started deliberately leaving clues. I wanted him to find out; I wanted him to do something! Get jealous; get angry; shout at me; fight for me; something! But he wouldn’t – he didn’t.’
Taking a deep breath, I attempted to rein in my growing fury. ‘If he’s so wrong for you why are you here, Jasmine? Why do you want him back?’
‘Because he was good to me – not in a passionate way – but he always looked after me; called when he said he would; made sure I had enough cash for a taxi; gave me nice things –’
‘You want him for his money?’
‘Ha!’ she snorted. ‘What money? He’s blown it all on this bloody dump.’
‘I’m not judging you; I’m just trying to understand.’ I, of all people, was in no position to judge anyone – hadn’t I effectively married Vic for his money, for the security he offered? But then I’d been desperate; I’d had no other choice. Jasmine Reed was, in her own words, ‘up-and-coming’ – a rising star with a career and a bright future ahead of her. It couldn’t just be about the money. Suddenly I realised – recognised – what Jasmine was trying so hard to hide. ‘You still love him,’ I said.
With a roll of her eyes she pulled a face and shook her head in disgust but her acting skills fell short and I could see I’d hit the mark.
‘Jasmine, you know he’s not right for you; you know he doesn’t love you and yet you’ve come all the way out here –’
‘Fuck you,’ she said, her eyes flashing. ‘Who are you anyway? Some tramp he picked up off the street?’
Her words, startlingly close to the truth, effectively sobered me up and stamped out any pity I might have felt for her. ‘Get out,’ I said, standing up.
She laughed. ‘Don’t worry; you’re welcome to him.’ Scooping up her handbag she staggered to her feet. ‘He’s messed up. Maybe you are too – you probably deserve each other. I mean just look at this place, he’s a fucked-up loser and –’
Lashing out, I flung the contents of the glass in my hand into Jasmine’s face, the cold water stopping her mid-sentence with a gasp. For a second I couldn’t even register what I’d done; my own rage rang in my ears as she stared at me, wide-eyed and dripping.
‘Kat?’ a shocked voice said from the doorway.
Jasmine burst into tears and ran past me, past Jamie and out into the night, slamming the front door shut behind her. Jamie just stood motionless, staring at me, his keys in his hand.
Chapter Thirty
There she was – the Kitkat I once knew – wildly beautiful, shoulders back, chin held high, passion radiating from every pore. And she was defending me again; like a lioness, dressed only in pyjamas and a sling, yet breathtakingly magnificent. I had never witnessed anything so sexy.
‘Shit. Sorry,’ she said, the fire in her eyes cooling. ‘I needed to shut her up.’
‘Right,’ I said, unable to prevent amusement from spreading across my face. ‘Mission accomplished.’ Outside Jasmine’s car roared off down the road.
Kat looked down at the splashes of water on the carpet. ‘I’ll clean this up.’ With one arm she awkwardly gathered glasses and headed for the kitchen.
‘Just leave it; it doesn’t matter,’ I said, following her. ‘Are you OK?’ Reaching out I lightly touched her elbow.
She stopped and turned towards me but wouldn’t look me in the eye. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Why was she here anyway? What did she say to you?’
She glanced up. ‘You didn’t hear?’
‘Only the last part; what else did she say?’
‘Nothing – just a whole load of bullshit. I can see why you broke up with her.’
Her eyes were darkly dilated, glowing with a greenish light that captivated my soul. I desperately wanted to kiss her and my gaze lingered on her lips but I hesitated, the force of my feelings paralysing me.
She swallowed. ‘Are you going after her?’
I shook my head.
‘She’s had a lot to drink.’
‘I know,’ I sighed. ‘But if I chase after her I’m likely to make things worse. I’ll call her in an hour or so; make sure she made it home all right.’
Kat nodded, turned away and began rinsing out glasses in the sink one-handed. ‘Did you see Vic?’ Her shoulders were stiff with tension.
‘No, he wasn’t there; the cafe was all closed up. I think Cherry must have given up trying to run it.’
‘He’ll go mental when he finds out.’
‘Kat, I don’t want you to worry. I don’t think Vic will be a problem for you anymore.’
‘Why?’ Her eyes met mine, briefly betraying her anxiety.
‘I – I went to meet an old friend of mine, someone I’ve known a long time. I was very careful; it won’t come back to you.’ Taking a deep breath, I braced myself for her reaction. ‘Look, the people Vic informed on – they’ll know now; they’ll know it was him.’
Kat’s eyes widened in alarm. ‘What?’
‘I had to, Kat. I had to do something to keep you safe.’ Her face paled as she stared at me, the silence stretching out.
‘They’ll kill him.’
‘I – maybe, I don’t know.’ I wasn’t sure what I’d expected her response to be – anger? distress? grief? I was hoping for some kind of relief but she expressed none of that. She simply dried her fingers on a tea towel lost in thought. ‘I’ll keep going back to the market each Thursday and deliver stock to Gary as usual. Hopefully that way I can avoid suspicion and keep an eye on things but, Kat, are you OK?’
‘I’m fine.’
‘Are you angry with me?’
‘No. I understand.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes. But I’m tired. I’m going to bed,’ she said, stepping around me.
‘Kat, wait.’ As I caught her right hand, heat zinged up my arm and I quickly released it again. ‘I just wanted to say I’m sorry you had to deal with Jasmine; she can be pretty unpleasant sometimes. But thank you for sticking up for me; it means a great deal.’
She glanced at me, her expression unreadable, nodded and then walked away.
While Kat was upstairs in the bathroom I opened my post and checked my emails to distract myself from my own thoughts. When I estimated that Jasmine had had enough time to reach the flat in London I called her mobile. She ignored my first call but picked up on the second, just as I was about to leave a message.
‘What?’ She sounded miserable rather than hostile and, though I was still angry about the way she’d spoken to Kat, I tried to soften my tone.
‘I’m just checking that you made it back alive.’
She sighed and I could picture her rolling her eyes. ‘I’m alive. That it?’
‘We still need to talk about the flat, Jas.’
‘Oh for heavens sake, you’re like a broken record. Come round on Sunday evening.’
‘Sunday? Really?’ Her sudden capitulation was a surprise. ‘What time?’
‘After six.’
Jasmine hung up before I could agree and I stared at my phone wondering what had caused her to give in. Was it something Kat had said?
Locking the front and back doors and turning off the lights, I went upstairs, brushed my teeth and retired to my own bed. But with no more distractions my mind returned to my earlier meeting with Brian. Had I done the right thing about Vic? My hope had been that giving Vic bigger problems to deal with would keep him from coming after Kat. I’d given little thought to what might actually happen to him and hadn’t really considered they might kill him. Still, knowing how badly Vic had treated Kat over the years I had no sympathy to spare for him. Keeping Kat safe was all that mattered.
A sound woke me in the middle of the night. Outside it was raining, gently tapping on the roof and windows and the room was pitch dark. I listened and then I heard it again. A soft whimper of distress in the bed beside me. Stretching out my fingers I recognised Kat’s long silky hair and intoxicating scent immediately. She was here? In my bed? Was I dreaming?
‘Kat?’ I whispered. ‘Kat, is everything OK?’
She moaned, as if she was in pain. ‘No. No don’t –’
Her words made my skin prickle but I realised she was asleep, probably having a nightmare, and instinctively moved closer, gently stroking her shoulder soothingly.
‘It’s OK, Kat,’ I whispered. ‘Wake up; you’re just having a bad dream; wake up.’ She jolted and gasped, her hand clutching at my chest in the darkness. ‘It’s OK, Kat, it was just a dream, you’re OK; you’re safe with me.’
‘Jamie?’
‘Yes, you’re OK. I’ve got you. Shall I put the light on?’ I felt her shake her head as she began to cry and I held her close and kissed the top of her head, her hair, her forehead, her cheek… ‘Don’t cry, Kat,’ I murmured. ‘Everything’s OK.’
Turning her head she pressed her mouth to mine, her lips soft and warm as they parted and as eager as my own. In the darkness her hot tongue stroked along mine – licking, sucking, tasting me – and I groaned in the back of my throat, overwhelmed with wanting her. As her fingers roamed across my chest the intensity of her touch almost burned, the coarse edge of her plaster cast tickling my skin.
Should we be doing this? Kat was like a big sister to me, emotionally stronger than me, out of my league and a married woman besides – surely she was forbidden fruit. But I desperately wanted to soothe her, erase her fears and nightmares and feel her warm body against mine. Was that so wrong?
Emboldened by the dark I slowly began to unbutton her shirt, aware that she might stop me at any moment, but her fingers fisted in my hair urging me on. At last I peeled her top open, sensing the heat radiating from her skin, savouring her scent and wishing I could see her. Sightlessly I planted kisses along her jaw, down her throat, across her breasts, until I found the erect peaks of her nipples, drawing them into my mouth and sucking them tenderly in turn, our breathing loud in the damp hush of the night.
Easing her pyjama bottoms and knickers down from her hips, I steadily, carefully, moved my lips down her ribs, her belly, and her hips – gently tracing her softly sculpted curves and hollows, while she shivered, panted and squirmed beneath my touch. Her right hand slipped inside my boxer shorts and I groaned again as she gripped me firmly in her lean fingers. I was close to coming already but this was not supposed to be about me and my selfish needs.
Drawing myself away out of her grasp I shifted my mouth to the soft apex of her thighs. She was liquid with heat and I used my tongue to explore and tease her. Soon the muscles of her whole body tightened, her breathing sped up and she braced her legs against the bed, moaning my name in warning. Cupping her bottom in my hands, as if drinking from her, I licked her rhythmically over and over, absorbed in her delectable taste, until she cried out in climax – her body arching off the bed and shuddering in one wave after another – before collapsing back onto the mattress, breathless.
The feel and sound of Kat’s orgasm had me dangerously close to the edge – my balls aching and tightly primed, my cock rigid and twitching with need. But I couldn’t allow myself to enter her. I’d idolised her for too long and, anyway, she wasn’t mine to take. Kat’s pleasure was enough – a gift in itself. Returning my face to hers I kissed her but she reached for me in the darkness again, squeezing my length in her palm, and her touch was everything – too much. With a groan I spilled my seed across her thigh, light-headed with the sheer force of my release.
Kat intercepted my mumbled apology with another lingering kiss but I was grateful that she hadn’t actually witnessed my helpless undoing. There were no words for what had just happened between us. Cocooned in darkness and wrapped in each other’s arms, we listened instead to the soft patter of the rain above, sinking, wordlessly, into a sated slumber.
When I woke in the morning the sun was bright and Kat was gone. I could hear the kettle boiling in the kitchen below and the springy rattle of the toaster offering up its load – the reassuring early-morning sounds of Kat making herself breakfast as usual. But as I recalled the night before – the very best night of my whole existence in potent detail in my mind – I knew that I’d fucked up. Big time. This was Kat, not just some girl that I could afford to lose like all the others. She was everything to me – my last remaining family; what the hell was I thinking? How could I have done that – ra
vaged her body and come all over her while she was feeling vulnerable as if I was some randy teenager; as if she didn’t have enough to deal with? My alarm clock started beeping and I slammed it hard with my fist, the plastic shattering and splintering into pieces.
Distractedly sucking blood off the side of my hand I fought to calm myself. Would she forgive me? I sincerely hoped so. I didn’t want her to hate me or to leave – I’d just got used to having her around. But why was she in my bed in the first place? The thought brought me up short. She must have been feeling anxious – that was the only conclusion I could come to. She felt safer near me than in a room by herself, in much the same way I used to feel safer in her bed as a child. Regret washed over me afresh. She had trusted in me and I’d abused that trust – let her down.
As Kat finished up in the kitchen and quietly let herself out the back door on her way to the nursery, I resolved to find a way to make it up to her – to provide the reassurance she needed while keeping my selfish hands to myself. After all she deserved so much better.
Chapter Thirty-one
Staring unflinchingly into my own eyes in the mirror, I systematically brushed my teeth. I’d managed it – survived the whole day without making a fool of myself, without cracking up or launching myself at Jamie.
Amazing Jamie.
I’d worked all day on the nursery with Frank and Lil, sweeping and weeding the paths, watering the beds, and planting up pairs of large terracotta pots with palms, phormiums and bay trees. With only one good arm I couldn’t do any heavy lifting – and with the sling on I had do things entirely one-handed – but watering only required one hand and there was always plenty of that to do in the polytunnels now that the weather was getting hotter and sunnier. All day I acted as though nothing had happened between Jamie and me in the middle of the night and so did he. I still couldn’t quite believe it had happened; one minute I’d thought Vic was about to hit me and the next I was safely wrapped up in Jamie’s arms – his bare chest, hot and deliciously musky, at my fingertips. Tantalising remembered echoes of his touch had been seeping into my thoughts all day – unnerving me with their clarity and their ability to make me flush and smile with pleasure. I’d never experienced anything like it: so sensual, so intense, so out of this world; words could not do it justice. Jamie wasn’t just devastatingly good-looking; he was tender, passionate, loving and toe-curlingly skilful. He had made me feel special. He had made me forget myself, if only for a short while.
