by Helen Lowrie
Trying to calm my breathing I raised my head to look at him. He was still backlit by fading pink light but I could tell that his face was damp with tears behind his glasses. Had he not heard a word I’d said? ‘But I –’
‘You’re perfect to me, Kat.’
I shook my head.
‘Yes. And none of it was your fault,’ he added, his voice hard. ‘Do you hear me? None of it. You were dealt a shitty hand but you survived; you kept going; you gave me time to find you again.’ His large dark eyes were locked on to mine as he spoke, as I tried to listen, tried to comprehend. ‘And now I have found you, Kat and I’m here for you. We are together and you will never have to suffer like that again, do you understand? You are safe with me.’
He repeated himself over and over, while I tried to believe him and grappled with a fragile, desperate, sense of hope.
‘OK, OK,’ I said at last, pressing a finger to his lips.
He smiled then, warmth slowly spreading out across his face until it glowed in his eyes. As the knot in my chest began to loosen I became hyper-aware of his powerful body around me, his arms against my bare skin, his warm breath on my lips…
Our mouths met, inexorably drawn together with magnetic force. Deep in his chest Jamie moaned, gently devouring me as if for the first time, one hand cradling my head, his stubble teasing my lips. He tasted mouth-wateringly, intoxicatingly good, making my whole body hum with warmth and I never wanted him to stop. But he broke away from me, searching my face with focused concern, so that I felt naked in the beam of his gaze.
‘It’s starting to get dark. Let’s go inside,’ he said softly. Jamie helped me up as he rose to his feet, his hands still touching me. But before he could move I kissed him again, compulsively, addicted to the reassuring heat I found in his lips and afraid to let him go. He returned my kiss chastely at first, as if holding back, but as I tentatively probed inside his mouth with the tip of my tongue, he responded passionately and I wanted more. Stepping backwards a couple of paces, I drew him along with me until I felt the edge of the makeshift table at my back. Still kissing him I perched on the edge and kicked off my flip-flops, wrapping my legs around his and lifting the hem of his T-shirt.
‘Wait, we don’t have to do this,’ he said, breaking away.
‘You don’t want to?’
‘Oh, Kat, I want to; believe me I’ve never wanted anything more. But you’re upset and after everything you’ve been through –’ I waited for him to continue, ‘I don’t want to hurt you: physically or emotionally. I’m not the right guy for you.’
I stared at him, confused, rejection threatening to surge up inside me, like water in a blocked drain.
‘You’re free now, Kat, free of your past. You can have any guy you want; you don’t have to settle for me. I’ll always be here for you but you could do so much better.’
‘What are you talking about? What do you mean better?’
Pulling off his glasses and casting them aside, Jamie closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. And my own doubts and insecurities rushed in. Was this Jamie’s polite way of letting me down gently? Did he just want us to be friends? If that was the case I didn’t want to embarrass myself, or him, any further.
‘I understand if you don’t want me,’ I said evenly, steeling myself.
His eyes flew open and locked on to mine, black with desire. ‘Kat, I want you so badly it’s like physical pain – with every breath my whole body aches just to be near you. I can’t sleep for craving even your slightest touch; can’t eat without needing to taste you. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel as utterly aroused as you make me feel.’
Jamie’s words had me struggling for breath – they were more than I’d ever dared hope for. ‘I feel the same way about you,’ I said at last.
He looked doubtful. ‘You do? Why?’
‘Jamie, you’re everything to me, why wouldn’t I?’ The tension in his expression began to ease and, as a cautious smile spread out across his face, he kissed me again.
‘Just let me look at you,’ he said, leaning back, his gaze sweeping down over my body, just visible in the fading light. My hands lifted reflexively to cover myself but he stayed them with his own. ‘You don’t have to hide from me any more, Kat.’
Dipping his head Jamie softly pressed his lips to the burn mark on my chest making me gasp. Before I could even process the sensation he was lifting my left arm and tenderly kissing the scars of my self-loathing, as if to heal the pain. The bittersweet intensity of his touch was almost too much to take and I trembled as he moved on to my other disfigurements, kissing them softly, almost reverently, one by one. My limbs turned to jelly and I collapsed backwards onto my elbows as Jamie eased up my skirt exposing my bare legs, my skin tingling with awareness.
‘Oh, Kat,’ Jamie said, sinking to a crouch between my thighs and brushing his lips across my tremulous knee. ‘You have the finest legs in the world.’
I laughed, unnerved by his sincerity and the hungry look on his face. As he began to trail soft kisses up the inside of my thigh, heat rushed through my bloodstream making me ache with desire. When he reached the top he pressed his hot mouth to my knickers. It felt deliciously indecent, transporting me back to the night he had pleasured me in the dark and I groaned, involuntarily pushing up against him.
With a sigh he returned his mouth to my thigh. ‘I don’t want to take advantage of you when you’re feeling vulnerable, Kat, and anyway I haven’t got a condom,’ he muttered against my skin.
‘We don’t need one; I trust you. I know you won’t hurt me. Please, I want you to show me what it can be like – I want you to make me forget everything else.’
Jamie stood, his gaze sliding over my body before returning to mine. I could tell he was deliberating and see the yearning in his eyes.
‘Please – you’re the only one I trust.’
Dragging his T-shirt up over his head, Jamie threw it aside and I watched, transfixed, as he proceeded to remove his shorts and boxers. There were numerous scratches across his skin marking his recent heroics but they did not lessen the masculine perfection of his body. His broad chest and solid shoulders tapered to a smooth, streamlined stomach above slim hips and sturdy, hair-sprinkled thighs. And his package, my god; I’d never seen a more provoking sight. His erection stood proudly to attention and there was no doubting that he wanted me. I marvelled that something so impressive could possibly fit inside my body while my inner muscles clenched shamelessly, eager with anticipation.
With a new sense of bravery I sat up, removed my bra and discarded it, shivering under Jamie’s heated gaze. I reached out to him and he stepped into my embrace without hesitation, enveloping me protectively in his arms. The close contact made me breathless as he kissed me again, his mouth urgent against mine, his stubble exciting my skin and his tongue exploring. My nipples tightened with arousal as I pressed my breasts to his warm chest and with his fingers he eased my skirt and knickers down from my hips. As he bent to unhook them from my feet, he took my nipples in his mouth one after the other, licking, sucking and grazing them gently with his teeth, sending jolts of pleasure through my core and making me gasp.
The last of my clothing discarded, Jamie slowly, deliberately, sought out and circled the throbbing place between my legs with his fingers. At the same time he trailed kisses back up the sensitive skin of my neck, to my ear and along my jaw line. I could barely process so much blissful sensation all at once. As his mouth returned to mine I took him in my hand and guided him firmly between my thighs. The feel of him there sent a tremor of pleasure rolling right through my body from my toes to the tips of my hair. But he hesitated at my entrance, his face taut with tension. Jamie was giving me a chance to change my mind but I wanted him, more than life itself.
With a flex of my pelvis I drew him right up inside me, naked flesh to naked flesh, and he groaned in my mouth, his breathing deepening along with his kiss. Gripping my hips with his strong hands, he stilled dee
p within me and my internal muscles rippled and tightened possessively around him as if he were mine all along, a part of me, missing for too long. His dark eyes opened and searched my gaze as if he was staring into my very soul.
‘Kat,’ he whispered against my lips.
‘Jamie,’ I breathed in reply.
With a roll of his hips he made me arch backwards in an involuntary swoon and I gazed up at the now indigo sky in open surrender. As he began to move the pressure built quickly inside me, my body a willing slave to Jamie’s rhythm. Tightening my legs around his waist, I urged him on, listening to the mounting desperation of our combined breathing.
Needing to see him, to reassure myself that this was all real, I drew myself up again, taking him deeper. But I had wanted him too much, for too long; the sight of the barely restrained power in his muscles, the determined set of his jaw and the intense look in his eyes was devastating. Finally losing control, a scream tore out of my throat with the unexpected violence of my release and Jamie lifted me up off the table, burying the seed of his own climax deep inside me. After weeks of tension our bodies shuddered, wracked with unleashed pleasure and flooded with sensation, while Jamie held me tight.
Resting my forehead against his, I smiled and he smiled back at me breathlessly. Right there, in that moment, naked in Jamie’s arms, under a blanket of emerging stars, I felt liberated, weightless and carefree – as if I was exactly where I was meant to be.
‘I’m taking you to bed now,’ he said.
We gathered up our clothes and I laughed, hugging him tighter, as he lifted me up again and carried me away with him, back to his home.
Chapter Forty-six
The nagging sense that something wasn’t right pulled me out of a deeply satisfying slumber. As my eyes registered the empty space where Kat should be my ears picked up the thrumming hum of a car engine somewhere outside. Stumbling out of bed in the early morning light, I slipped on my specs and pushed the curtains aside in time to see Kat emerge from the front porch below, a bag in hand, her footsteps crunching on the gravel. With a plunging sense of inevitability I watched as she climbed into the back of the waiting minicab and shut the door, without a backward glance. Quietly the car turned, indicated and moved away down the road and out of sight. And I just stood there, immobile as a statue, numbly staring after it.
Everything was fine when we went to sleep the night before, more than fine – fantastic. Kat had finally opened up to me; told me everything; literally laid herself bare. The sight of Kat’s scars, the physical proof of the pain she’d endured, had ripped me apart inside. But the way she’d revealed them to me, the way she bore them on her body with such dignity, only made her that much more compelling and beautiful in my eyes. We’d had the most incredible sex; the emotional connection we’d shared, when she held me deep inside her, was stronger, deeper and more powerful than anything I’d ever known – I couldn’t get enough of her. Before falling asleep I’d taken her all over again. I could still taste her, still smell her on my skin … and now she was gone.
In the bathroom I took a shower, purging the residue of sex from my body and mind while trying to ignore the dearth of feminine toiletries. On autopilot I put in my lenses, dressed in my usual uniform of cargo pants and a polo shirt and shoved my wallet, keys and phone in to my pockets. Downstairs, as I filled the kettle, I noticed a yellow post-it note on the table which simply read: ‘I’m sorry, I can’t stay’. Snatching it up I crushed it in my fist before dropping it in the bin and making a cup of coffee.
Unable to keep still, I took the hot drink with me as I unlocked the front gates, opened the doors and started up the tills. A large kitchen knife was lying on the counter. I recognised it as being the carving knife from the chef’s set at home – its presence in the garden centre was bizarre. Kat must have borrowed it for something the day before but what? And why use a kitchen knife when there were so many other garden tools she could have used? Stowing the knife safely in a drawer beneath the counter I stubbornly pushed all thoughts of Kat from my mind.
Making a sweep of the shop floor and the plant area, I straightened packets, signs, tools, plants and pots. I said hello to various members of the team as they filtered in, yawning, grumbling, and depositing their belongings in the staff room but I didn’t stay to chat. Instead I went into my office and shut the door. I drew the blind against the glare of the sun. I sat down at my desk. I switched on my computer. I clicked on the sales figures spreadsheet. I stared at the screen…
* * *
There was a knock at the door and I was surprised to see Liam standing there, a hand shoved in his pocket. ‘You all right mate?’
‘What are you doing here?’
‘I was just checking everything was all right.’
‘Why?’
‘Why? Because it’s half ten at night, the place is deserted and you haven’t locked up yet.’
‘What?’ Glancing around I blinked my gritty eyes as I registered for the first time that the room was completely dark but for the cool glow of the computer screen before me.
‘The front gates are wide open – anyone could just walk in.’
‘Fuck, I didn’t realise,’ I muttered.
Apparently Jenny and Priya had cashed up the tills without me and left the takings just inside my office, though I had no recollection of seeing them do it. Liam accompanied me as I went around closing up and then followed me back to the cottage where I pinched out my contact lenses, poured him some juice and grabbed a beer for myself. The cool liquid was a welcome relief to my dry throat and without thinking I drained the bottle in one. When had I last drunk something? Setting the empty down I reopened the fridge and cracked open a second beer.
‘You wanna tell me what’s going on?’ Liam said.
‘Nothing’s going on.’
‘Come on mate, you look like shit. Where’s Kat?’
Her name made me wince with physical pain and I took a pull on my new drink before replying. ‘She left.’
‘Left?’
‘Yes, she got in a cab and left.’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Well, didn’t you go after her to find out?’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
Liam’s question was an obvious one but caught me entirely off guard. His expression was as nonchalant as ever, matching his calm tone, but I read the frustration in his eyes. Setting down my drink I sat heavily at the kitchen table, my head in my hands. ‘I don’t know.’
Liam pulled out a chair and seated himself opposite. I glanced up at him and he looked at me impassively.
‘She had good reasons for going,’ I said.
‘I’m sure she did; Kat’s a smart woman,’ he said, ‘but don’t you want to know what those reasons are?’
I gulped down more beer. Did I want to know? I’d always known Kat would leave me – and she had. Since then I’d felt nothing; a whole working day had slipped by with relative ease because I’d refused to let myself think about her. Ignorance was working for me, even if it was not bliss. I was afraid to ask questions, afraid to acknowledge the indescribable pain and grief that lurked inside me like a monster in the dark; I wasn’t sure I would survive it.
‘Are you really just going to let her go?’ Liam prompted.
His remark confused me and I shrugged. ‘It’s not up to me – she left.’
‘Isn’t Kat worth fighting for?’
I swallowed back a tight knot of emotion. ‘She’s everything.’
‘Then what the hell are you doing just sitting here? She’s not dead!’ Liam’s blunt words made me flinch but somewhere inside me they sparked a small flame of hope. ‘Go find her and work it out.’
‘I don’t know where she’s gone.’
Liam considered for a moment. ‘You said she got a cab; was it one you recognised?’
‘What?’
‘The car – was it a local taxi firm?
‘Probably. I programmed Ken�
�s number into her phone so it might have been him.’
‘Great. I’ll call him now and ask him.’ Standing up,
Liam pulled out his mobile and started making the call.
Unease unfurled inside my gut, spreading out until it felt heavy in my limbs. Could I do this? Go after her? Convince her to come back? Was there any point? She was bound to leave me eventually anyway – women always did – and she was strong enough to survive without me. Wouldn’t it be better to cut my losses now? My mind reeled in agony. This was Kat – the only woman who’d ever really known me. My entire body hurt at the thought of life without her. I needed her to feel alive, to feel real, to feel whole. Liam was right, Kat was worth fighting for – I had nothing else to lose.
‘Right, she hasn’t gone far,’ Liam said, hanging up. ‘Ken thinks she’s staying at the Rose and Crown in town. She was looking for somewhere to stay – that’s where he recommended and that’s where he dropped her off.’
‘Right,’ I muttered.
‘Come on, I’m driving you there now,’ he said firmly.
Liam insisted on stopping off at the petrol station so that I could pick up something to eat and then dropped me in Wildham town square. He offered to wait for me, in case Kat wasn’t in the pub, but I told him to go home to bed. I was a grown man after all and should be able to look after myself, despite recent evidence to the contrary.
The interior of the Rose and Crown was just as I remembered it: the same row of booths down one side, same pictures on the wall, same sticky carpet – even the old guy hunched over a pint in the corner looked vaguely familiar.
‘Hello, James!’ Wendy greeted me with surprise from behind the bar – she looked older and her hair was a different colour but otherwise she seemed much the same. ‘Haven’t seen you in here for a while; how are you?’
‘Good thanks, Wendy, you?’
‘Same as ever – y’know; can’t complain. I was sorry to hear about your dad. You’ve taken over the garden centre I hear?’
‘Yes, that’s right; haven’t managed to run it into the ground so far but there’s still time.’
