by Jean M. Auel
Was it because she enjoyed her training? She did love it, loved learning all the things she had to know to be Zelandoni. All the knowledge that could be revealed, and all that was hidden. The symbols that had secret meaning, symbols that she could scratch on a stone, or paint on a cloth, or weave into a mat. She knew what they meant. All the zelandonia knew what they meant. She could send a stone with symbols on it to another Zelandoni, and the person who carried it wouldn't have any idea that it meant anything at all, but the other Zelandoni would know.
And she loved all the ceremony. Ayla remembered how moved and impressed she had been at her first ceremony with only the zelandonia that was held deep in that cave. Now she knew how to make them impressive. She had learned all the tricks, though it wasn't just tricks. Some of it was real, frighteningly real. She knew that some of the zelandonia, particularly the older ones, didn't really believe anymore. They had done it all so many times, they had grown accustomed to their own magic. Anyone could do it, they said. Maybe anyone could, but not without training. Not without help, or the magic medicines. What did it mean to fly with no wind, with your body still back with the zelandonia or the Cave, to someone who'd forgotten that not everyone could, or who did it only out of habit or duty.
Ayla remembered suddenly, at her initiation, hearing the One Who Was First say that she would be First someday. At the time Ayla had ignored it; she couldn't imagine herself as First, and besides she had a mate and a child. How could anyone be First and have a mate and family at the same time? Some of the zelandonia had families, but not many.
All she had ever really wanted, from the time she was little, was to have a mate and children, her own family. Iza had told her she would never have children — her Cave Lion totem was too strong — but she had surprised them. She'd had a son. Broud would have hated it if he'd known that by forcing her, he had given her the one thing she wanted. But it had been no Gift of Pleasures then. Broud didn't choose her because he cared about her. He loathed her. He forced her only to prove he could do whatever he wanted to her, and because he knew she detested it.
Now she had done it to herself. Forced herself to choose a man she detested to hurt a man she loved. Look what she had done to Jondalar because of her jealousy. It was her fault that he had almost killed a man. She didn't deserve a family. She couldn't even take care of her family as an acolyte. It would be much more difficult as a full-fledged Zelandoni. He'd be better off without her. Maybe she should let him go, let him find another mate.
But, how could she not be mated to Jondalar? How could she live without Jondalar? The thought brought on a freshet of new tears, which caused Zelandoni to wonder. It had seemed that Ayla had almost cried herself out. How could she live without Jondalar, Ayla thought. But how could Jondalar live with her now? She wasn't worthy of him. She had nearly driven him to kill, just because he needed to satisfy his needs. Needs she obviously wasn't satisfying. Even women of the Clan would do that, anytime her mate wanted. Jondalar deserves a better woman.
But what about Jonayla? She's his daughter, too, and he loves her so much. He's raised her more than I have. Jonayla deserves better than me for a mother. If I break the bond, he can mate again. He's still the most beautiful … no, the most handsome man of all the Caves. Everyone thinks so. He would have no trouble finding another woman, even a younger one. I am old already; a younger woman could have more children with him. He can even choose … Marona … if he wants to. It hurt her just to think it, but she felt a need to punish herself, and she could think of no worse pain to inflict on herself.
That's what I'll do. I'll break the bond and give Jonayla to Jondalar, and let him find another woman to have a family with. When I get back to the Ninth Cave, I won't move back into my home, I'll move in with Zelandoni, or I'll have another place built, or move away and be Zelandoni to another Cave … if any other Cave would have me. Maybe I should just go away, find another valley and live by myself.
Zelandoni watched the play of emotions across Ayla's face, but she couldn't quite decipher them. There always was something unfathomable about the woman, Zelandoni thought. But there is no doubt. Someday she will be First. Zelandoni had never forgotten that day in Marthona's dwelling when Ayla, young and untrained, had nevertheless overpowered the forceful mind of the First. It had shaken her more than she cared to admit.
'If you are feeling better, we should go, Ayla … Zelandoni of the Ninth Cave. We don't want to be late to the meeting. People will have a lot of questions, especially after what happened between Jondalar and Laramar,' the One Who Was First Among Those That Served The Great Earth Mother said.
'Come on, Jondalar. We need to get to the meeting. There are some questions I want to ask,' Joharran said.
'You go on. I'll come later,' Jondalar said, hardly looking up from the bedroll he was sitting on.
'No, I'm afraid not, Jondalar. I was specifically told to make sure you came with me,' Joharran said.
'Told by whom?'
'Zelandoni and Marthona. Who do you think?'
'What if I don't want to go to this meeting?' Jondalar said, testing his prerogatives. He felt so miserable, he didn't want to move.
'Then I guess I'll have to ask this mighty Mamutoi friend of yours to carry you out there, the way he carried you here,' Jondalar's brother said, grimly smiling at Danug. They were in the shelter that Danug, Druwez, Aldanor, and some other men used. Since only men used it, it was called a fa'lodge although it wasn't with the other fa'lodges on the outskirts of the camp, or very far from the Ninth Cave's regular family dwellings. 'You've hardly moved since. Whether you want to or not, Jondalar, you are going to have to face people. This is an open meeting. No one is going to discuss your situation. That will come later, after we see how well Laramar recovers.'
'He should clean up a little,' Solaban said. 'He still has bloodstains on his clothes.'
'I think you're right,' Joharran said, then looked at Jondalar. 'Are you going to do it yourself, or is somebody going to have to dunk you?'
'I don't care. If you want to dunk me, go ahead,' Jondalar said.
'Jondalar, get a clean tunic and come to the river with me,' Danug said, speaking Mamutoi. It was a way to let Jondalar know he had someone he could talk to in private, if he didn't want anyone else to know what he was saying, besides he enjoyed the ease of speaking his own language rather than always struggling with Zelandonii.
'Fine,' Jondalar said, sighing deeply, then hauling himself up. 'It doesn't matter anyway.' He really didn't care what happened to him. Jondalar was convinced that he had lost everything that mattered: his family, including Jonayla, the respect of his friends, and his people, but most of all, Ayla's love, and that he deserved to lose it.
Danug watched Jondalar plodding alongside him toward the river, oblivious to everything around him. The young Mamutoi had seen the same kind of problems between the two people he had come so far to see before, people he cared a great deal about and who, he knew, loved each other more than any two people he had ever met. He wished there was some way he could make them see what he and everyone around them knew, but just telling them wouldn't help. They would have to come to the realisation on their own, and now it wasn't just them. Jondalar had seriously injured someone, and while Danug was not familiar with the details of Zelandonii customs, he knew there would be consequences.
Zelandoni moved the drape, pushed the screen aside, and peeked out of the concealed private access at the rear of the large zelandonia dwelling, directly opposite from the regular entrance. She scanned the assembly area that came down from the hillside behind and opened out onto the camp. People had been gathering all morning and it was nearly full.
She had been right about questions. The meaning of the ceremony and the new verse to the Mother's Song were beginning to be understood, but people were unsure. It was unsettling to think about what changes might happen, especially after Jondalar's behaviour. Zelandoni looked again to make sure that certain people had arrived, and then waited a
little longer to give the last stragglers a chance to get settled. Finally she gave a signal to a young Zelandoni, who conveyed the 'she's ready' sign to the others, and when everything was prepared, Zelandoni stepped outside.
Zelandoni Who Was First was a woman who exhibited great presence, and her magnificent size, both in height and mass, contributed to her bearing. She also commanded a large repertoire of techniques and tactics to keep gatherings focused on points she wanted to emphasise, and she would be using all her skills, both intuitive and learned, to project confidence and certainty to the large number of people who were watching her with such intensity.
Knowing how people had a tendency to speak out, she announced that since there were so many people, it would help keep things more orderly if questions were asked by the leaders of the Caves, or by only one member of each family. But if someone felt a strong need to say something, it should be brought up.
Joharran asked the first question, but it was a point everyone wanted clarified. 'That new verse, I want to be sure I understand, does it mean that Jaradal and Sethona are my children, not just Proleva's?'
'Yes, that is right,' Zelandoni who was First said. 'Jaradal is your son, and Sethona is your daughter, Joharran, as much as they are Proleva's son and daughter.'
'And it is the Gift of Pleasure from the Great Earth Mother that makes life begin inside a woman?' asked Brameval, the leader of the Fourteenth Cave.
'Doni's Gift to us is not only for Pleasure. It is also the Gift of Life.'
'But Pleasures are shared often. Women don't get pregnant that often,' said another voice, unable to wait.
'The Great Earth Mother still makes the final choice. Doni has not given up all Her Knowledge, nor all Her Prerogatives. She still decides when a woman will be blessed with new life,' the First said.
'Then what's the difference between using a man's spirit or the essence of his organ to start a baby?' Brameval asked.
'It's very clear. If a woman never shares Pleasure with a man, she will never have a child. She cannot just hope that someday the Mother will choose the spirit of some man and give her one. A woman must honour the Mother by sharing Her Gift of Pleasures. The man must release his essence inside her, so that it can mix with the essence of a woman that is waiting for it,' the Great Woman said.
'Some women never get pregnant,' said Tormaden, the Leader of the Nineteenth Cave.
'Yes, that's true. I have never had a child. Though I have honoured the Mother often, I have never become pregnant. I don't know why,' the First said. 'Perhaps because the Mother chose me for a different purpose. I know it would have been very difficult for me to Serve The Mother as I have, if I had a mate and children. That is not to say that zelandonia should not have children. Some zelandonia do and still Serve Her well, though it may be easier for a Zelandoni who is a man to be mated and have children at his hearth, than for a woman. A man does not have to bear a child, or give birth, or nurse. Some women are able to do both, especially if their calling is strong, but they must have mates and families who are very caring and willing to help.'
Zelandoni noticed several people looking toward Jondalar, sitting with the Mamutoi visitors, somewhat uphill from the Ninth Cave, and not with the woman to whom he was mated. Ayla, who was holding Jonayla on her lap, sat beside Marthona, with the wolf between them near the front of the audience. She was close to the Ninth Cave, but also close to the ranks of the zelandonia. Most people believed that with her control of animals and her healing skills, even before she became an acolyte, Ayla's calling had to be strong, and until this summer when all their troubles began, everyone was aware of how caring Jondalar had been. Many people believed it was Marona who was at the root of their troubles — she was sitting with her cousin, Wylopa, and some friends from the Fifth Cave — but now it had escalated far beyond that. Although word had gone out that Laramar had regained consciousness, he was still recovering inside the zelandonia lodge and only they knew how badly he was hurt.
'My mate shares the Gift of Pleasures with other men, not just me, at Mother Festivals and ceremonies,' a man in the audience said.
Now the questions are getting ticklish, Zelandoni thought. 'Festivals and Ceremonies are held for sacred purposes. Sharing Pleasures is a sacred act. It honours the Great Earth Mother. If a child is conceived then, it is with her intention. It should be considered a favoured child. Remember, Doni still chooses when a woman will become pregnant.' There was a scattering of barely audible comments from the audience.
Kareja, the leader of the Eleventh Cave, stood up. 'Willadan has asked me to ask a question for him, but I think he should ask it himself.'
'If you think so, then certainly he should,' Zelandoni said.
'My mate was a donii-woman one summer after we were mated,' the man began. 'She wasn't having any luck getting a baby started and wanted to make the offering to honour the Mother and encourage Her to start one. It seemed to work. She did have a child after that, and three more since then. But now I wonder, did any of those children come from me?'
This must be handled with great delicacy, Zelandoni thought. 'All children born to your mate are your children,' she said.
'But how do I know if they were started by me or some other man?'
'Tell me, Willadan, 'How old is your first child?'
'He can count twelve years. Almost a man.' There was pride in his voice.
'Were you happy when your mate became pregnant with him, and when he was born?'
'Yes, we wanted children at our hearth.'
'So you love him.'
'Of course I love him.'
'Would you love him more if you knew for sure that he was started by your essence?'
The glanced at the boy. 'No, of course not,' he said, frowning.
'If you knew the rest of your children were started with your own essence, would you love them more?'
He paused, thinking about the point he knew she was making. 'No. I could not love them more.'
'Then does it make any difference if the essence that started them came from you or someone else?' Zelandoni noticed that his frown deepened. She decided to continue. 'I have never been pregnant; I have never conceived a child, though there was a time when I wanted one, more than you will know. I am content now. I know the Mother chose what was best for me. But, it is possible, Willadan, that you were born as I was. Perhaps, for some reason known only to Doni, your essence could not start a child with your mate at that time. But the Great Earth Mother, in Her wisdom, gave you and your mate the children you wanted. If you were not the one who started them, would you be willing to give them back if you found the name of the man who may have started them?'
'No. I have provided for them all their lives,' Willadan said.
'Exactly. You have cared for them, you love them, they are the children of your hearth. That means they are your children, Willadan.'
'Yes, they are the children of my hearth, but you said if I am not the one who started them. Do you think they could have been started by my essence?' Willadan asked, a bit wistfully.
'It may well be that the honour your mate paid to the Mother was accepted as sufficient offering, and that she allowed your essence to start all of them. We don't know, but if you could not love them more, Willadan, does it make any difference?'
'No, I guess not.'
'They may have been started by your essence, or they may not have,' Zelandoni said, 'but they will always be more than the children of your hearth. They are your children.'
'Will we ever know for sure?'
'I don't know if we will ever know. With a woman, it is obvious. She is either pregnant or not. With a man, his children are always the children of his mate. That's the way it has always been. Nothing has changed. No man can be certain who started the children of his hearth.'
'Jondalar can,' came a voice from the audience. Everyone stopped and stared at the one who had spoken. It was Jalodan, a young man from the Third Cave. He was sitting with Folara's friend, Galeya, whom he
had mated two years before. He suddenly flushed from all the penetrating attention, including the hard look from Zelandoni. 'Well he can,' he said defensively. 'Everyone knows Ayla never chose anyone but him — until last night. If children are started from the essence of a man's organ, and Ayla never shared Pleasures with anyone but Jondalar, then the child of his hearth has to be his, had to come from his essence. That's what he was fighting about last night, wasn't he? He kept screaming, "He's making my baby!" every time he hit Laramar.'
Now all the attention was focused on Jondalar, and he squirmed under the intense scrutiny. Some people glanced at Ayla, but she was sitting rigidly still, looking down.
Suddenly Joharran stood up. 'Jondalar was not in control of himself. He let himself drink too much, and it drowned his brains,' he said with exasperated sarcasm.
There were smiles and snickers. 'I'll wager his head was full of the "morning-after" when the sun came up,' another young man called out. There was a touch of admiration in his tone, as though he found Jondalar's violent behaviour somehow laudable.
'Since both Jondalar and Laramar are from the Ninth Cave, this is an issue that will be settled by the Ninth Cave. This is not the place to discuss Jondalar's actions,' Joharran said, trying to end the issue. He had heard the appreciation in the voices of some of the young men, and the last thing he wanted was for anyone to be emulating that kind of behaviour.
'Except to say, Jemoral,' Zelandoni added, 'that Jondalar will be suffering from more than a morning-after headache, I'm afraid. There will be serious consequences to pay, you can be sure.' It was difficult to know all the people at the meeting, though she tried. Their clothing was always a clue, as well as the beads and belts and other accoutrements they wore. This was a young man from the Fifth Cave, related to their Zelandoni. They all tended to be a little showier than most, and wore more beads, since they were known for making and trading them. And he was sitting closer to the front, which allowed her to see him clearly enough to recognise him.
