She had opened her mouth, and based on that spark in her eye it was going to be to argue, but I quickly cut her off. “I’m sorry, Miranda. I gotta go, but it was good to see you.” I leaned over to kiss her forehead before tossing money on the table and walking out. When I stepped outside I looked up and down both sides of the street only to be met with disappointment. Alara was nowhere in sight, and I had a feeling that even if she was standing right in front of me, I wouldn’t have felt any closer.
…
Naomi: Sher’s having a Halloween party tomorrow night. Wanna come?
I frowned as I stared down at the phone. I desperately wanted to go and talk to Alara. Since seeing her yesterday afternoon, that was all I’d wanted to do, but this wasn’t the kind of thing to do over the phone, it needed to be in person. One problem… I worked tomorrow night. That’s the unfortunate thing about working in the restaurant industry, when you were new, you got stuck with most of the holiday shifts. And since Halloween happened to fall on a Friday, I was scheduled to be there till two a.m.
I was sitting in the living room with Derek as he played video games and I messed around on the Internet. He had just died when his phone started ringing. “Yeah?” he answered distractedly as he geared up for another game. “Why wouldn’t I go?” He stopped messing with the remote and turned to look at me, holding the phone away from his ear. “Naomi said she just sent you a text.” He nodded his head toward my phone.
I blew out a resigned breath. “Yeah, I can’t go. I have work.”
He looked at me for a couple seconds before returning to the call. “Yeah, sorry, Naomi. I’m not gonna be able to make it, I gotta cover someone at work.”
“Who’re you covering?” My eyebrows were already lifted when he hung up and turned to face me.
“You, dumbass.”
“I can’t let you do that.” Despite my words, I couldn’t help the relief and hope coursing through me.
Derek shook his head before he laughed and started another game. “Yeah, Romeo, you can. She’s gonna be there. And if that stupid, lovesick look on your face is any indication, you need to see her.”
I smiled as I grabbed my phone and quickly typed out a response.
Me: absolutely! what time?
Naomi: Lol. Pretty eager, huh?
Me: maybe…
Naomi: Don’t worry. I won’t tell ;) Party starts at 9.
Me: I’ll be there.
After I left Gabe yesterday I realized how much I had to lose. I could push him away now to avoid losing him later, but that wouldn’t stop me from getting hurt. I was hurt now. All pushing him away was doing was keeping me from having any kind of happiness. It was such a cliché, but God, it was true.
I was breaking my own heart.
Wiping the few stray tears that had escaped, I made my way outside into the cooling Arizona afternoon. I sat down and closed my eyes, letting the bright burning sun wrap its warmth around me like a blanket against the slight breeze in the air, and I thought. And thought. And thought… I thought so much and in so many circles that I was giving myself a headache. I began rubbing my temples when I shivered; some of the warmth was receding and the wind was picking up speed. When I looked to my left I saw why: storm clouds were approaching.
I tracked the horizon, watching the dark gray clouds roll into a muted half gray, half blue color that eventually gave way to what was once a cloudless sky. Looking to the right and seeing the sunny sky, it was almost inconceivable that such a nasty storm was approaching. And when I looked to the left it seemed equally improbable that a blue sky would ever be seen again.
As soon as the first crack of thunder hit, my tears started once more. It was such a beautiful dichotomy: a brightly burning sun on one side and dark gray storm clouds on the other. There was thunder and sunshine. There was yellow and gray.
And suddenly all I saw was my life. Perpetually caught between feeling the warmth and fearing the rain.
When the clouds rolled closer and the rain started to fall, I watched the retreating sun disappear, taking the warmth with it. I closed my eyes as the rain began to mix with my slowly receding tears. The rain continued until it soaked through my shirt and left me shivering. But I didn’t move.
Would it always be this way?
Could I ever truly be happy if I was always counting on this crippling sadness that I had already let rule my life for so long to return?
I paused as I remembered my conversation with Gabe from weeks ago, about finding my favorite constellation.
Maybe you can’t see them all. But just because you can’t see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t there… waiting for you.
I couldn’t always see the stars; I couldn’t always feel the warmth. But maybe, I could still believe it. I could still believe that despite the storm, the bright, blue sky would always return.
I could still believe that happy days were in my future; they were just waiting for me to find them.
Sherry’s Halloween party was tonight, the one party a year I went to regularly. Somehow, it was different than other parties, because even though everyone was drinking and it was still a social event, which typically had me running for the hills, it was lighter in some way. Everyone dressing up and going around guessing costumes made it much less intimidating. I was typically reserved in my costume choice. Shocking, right? But since seeing Gabe yesterday, I wanted to be… more. I wanted to try a little harder, even if it made me uncomfortable.
“So I’ve noticed you’re working awfully hard on picking out an outfit tonight… and from my closet.”
I jumped at the sound of Naomi’s voice. “Jesus,” I muttered before turning around and rolling my eyes. “Do we really have to do this? Can’t you just help me and internally bask in the fact that you were right?”
“Hmmm… no. I’m much too petty for that.”
“Fine. You were right. I was wrong. I was scared, and I shot Gabe down prematurely. I’m going to suck it up, wear something out of my comfort zone, and stop being a scared little bitch. Happy?”
“I would have liked to hear more variations of ‘you were right,’ but I guess that’ll do.”
“Great.” I sighed. “Now will you help me?”
“Of course. So you said he was having lunch with a girl yesterday? Is that your reason for raiding my closet?”
I remained silent as we shuffled through her clothes, side by side.
“I’m pretty sure she was his ex. She was gorgeous and the complete opposite of me, and it kinda made me wonder why he even asked me out. So yeah, I thought I’d try a little harder tonight.” I shrugged. “Really make it seem like I want this.”
“So how far are we talking?”
“I think I’m going to give you carte blanche.”
She grinned mischievously. “I’ve always wanted a life-size Barbie!”
…
Word of advice: Never give Naomi carte blanche. EVER.
Because apparently, when she said Barbie, she literally meant dressing me up as one. But honestly, that just seemed like a ruse to get me in an inappropriately tight, short blue dress and a ridiculous amount of makeup. I did set some boundaries: no heels, a neutral makeup palette, and nude tights underneath, but I still felt weird.
I was looking around the room and fidgeting with the hem of my dress when—
“Hey, Alara.” Chad’s smooth voice came from my right, and when I turned, his easy smile and bright brown eyes greeted me.
“Hey. I didn’t know you’d be here.” I shifted anxiously as my eyes scanned the room for Gabe again. He’d yet to arrive, but Naomi assured me he was coming.
Chad reached over and wrapped his arms around me just as Sherry walked by and winked. I tentatively gave him a pat on the back before pulling away.
“Yeah, Sherry invited me. Said you might be lonely.” My eyes widened as my gaze flew across the room. He gave me a lazy smile before he chuckled. “Relax. I’m not hitting on you and I’m definitely not going to ask you out again.�
��
“At the risk of sounding full of myself… really?”
His face suddenly grew serious, and he stepped closer. “Yeah, I’m done. I met someone a couple weeks ago. We’ve gone out a few times, and I’m pretty hopeful.”
“That’s great.” I offered him a real hug this time, and he laughed as he returned the embrace. We broke apart, though his hand remained on my upper arm.
“So why—” I cut myself off as my attention drifted over his shoulder and I found Gabe standing in the doorway of Sherry’s apartment.
His gaze raked over my body and his eyes flared as he took in the immodest hemline. Then his stare met mine for a brief moment before it narrowed on Chad’s hand. The heat that had just been so prominent quickly gave way to unmistakable anger.
Noticing my attention was elsewhere, Chad quickly looked over his shoulder, then turned around, smiling.
“That’s why.”
“Huh?” I asked. My eyebrows knitted together as I shrugged off his hand.
He laughed. “I can actually feel the guy boring holes into my back.”
“How is pissing him off supposed to help?”
Chad opened his mouth to reply, but I held up my hand.
“Forget it. I need a drink.” I walked into the kitchen and made a beeline for Naomi, grabbing the shot in her hand and quickly knocking it back.
She looked from her empty hand to the drained glass in mine. “Here, Alara, take mine,” she said sarcastically before grabbing another.
“Did you know Sherry was inviting Chad?”
“Nope. What was the goal there?”
“I think to make Gabe jealous.”
Naomi appeared contemplative as I reached for another drink, the shot coursed down my throat, leaving a burning trail. “It’s not the worst plan in the world,” my best friend said distractedly.
“Why would he need to be the one who’s jealous? He’s already sure. I’m the dumbo here!” I shrieked as I picked up another drink. Naomi put her hand over mine, halting my progress, and I looked over to find her frowning.
“Alara. You’ve been drinking a lot lately. And your meds—”
“I already told you. The doctor said it’d be better to have a few drinks than to stop taking them.”
“Yes, but I’m sure she didn’t mean for it to become a regular thing.”
“It won’t.”
“You’ve already done this twice in the past month. That’s a lot for you and—”
“Please,” I begged. “Just tonight. I promise. Nothing bad has happened the last few times, remember? I drank and didn’t have any kind of emotional breakdown.”
Naomi worried her bottom lip as she lifted her hand from mine. “I know. I just… I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Okay. I know, just… just give me tonight. And I promise no more for a while.” With a reluctant nod, Naomi agreed. And within half an hour, I was well on my way to plastered, a fact that had Naomi’s worry returning.
“Are you nervous because Gabe’s here and has yet to talk to you?” she asked, trying to ignore her bigger concern.
“Of course not.”
Why the hell would I care? He asked me out. I said no. End of story, my brain said.
I growled (in my head, of course; I’m not that crazy). Right… Then why did yesterday hurt so much? Why does the fact that he’s talked to almost every other person here hurt so much? my heart asked.
Well…
I internally groaned at how insane I was being. I just needed to stop overthinking everything. But that was easier said than done. I always thought too much and too often, and even though it never did me any good, I couldn’t seem to stop. But I guess thinking too much about not thinking too much was equally problematic. Oh, I have a headache.
“You sure?” Naomi’s question broke through my drunken inner rambling.
“Yep,” I replied, emphasizing the p with a pop. I looked over at Gabe and crossed my arms over my chest. I was pouting, because clearly, I was an adult. Naomi took a sip of her beer and raised her eyebrows in disbelief.
“Fine,” I mumbled. “ItsbecauseGabe’shereandhasn’ttalkedtome.”
“I’m sorry, what?” She held a hand to her ear and leaned closer. “I couldn’t hear you.”
“I said it’s because Gabe’s here and he hasn’t talked to me.’”
With an arrogant nod, she said, “That’s what I thought.”
“Whatever.” I glared at her before turning toward Gabe as he chatted with one of Sherry’s friends. “He’s an ass, and I hate him.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Why is she even talking to him? He’s ugly and stupid.”
“No, he isn’t.”
“Coming here was stupid. I never want to see him again.”
“Yes, you do.”
“Ughhh…” I whined and threw my head back against the cabinet. It bounced off, and I winced as I rubbed the spot and turned to glare at the wood accusingly.
“Is that cabinet an ass who’s ugly and stupid, too?” Naomi could barely conceal her smile behind her beer bottle.
“I have to pee.” I staggered away and luckily made my way to a bathroom that only had a line of two people.
After quickly taking care of business and checking my blurry face in the mirror, I walked out of the bathroom and right into Gabe. “We need to talk.” Gabe’s expression radiated pure fury as he firmly grabbed my arm and pushed me back into the bathroom.
“Hey!” I protested as I shook off his hold.
“Who’s that guy out there?” he asked in a gruff voice.
I rolled my eyes. Apparently, Chad’s plan had worked, even if he’d only been in my presence for three minutes. “Chad. He’s a friend.”
He smirked, his eyes turning cold. “A friend who’s been asking you out for months?”
“How the…?” I dropped my head to my chest and whispered, “Sherry.”
“Yeah, she imparted that little bit of knowledge to me. So let me get this straight. You actually used the whole it’s-not-you-it’s-me bullshit, which I was stupid enough to believe, and two weeks later you’re out with another guy?” He shook his head in disbelief as his expression warred between hurt and anger.
I narrowed my eyes and clenched my fists at my sides, feeling much more sober than I had ten minutes ago. Evidently, irrational anger helps metabolize alcohol. Who knew? “Coming from the guy who was out to lunch yesterday with another girl and has flirted with at least a dozen tonight.” He opened his mouth to respond, but I kept talking. “And according to you, you and I are just friends. So how I feel about Chad shouldn’t matter one damn bit.”
“Are you insane? What the hell is wrong with you? This isn’t you.” He waved his hand up and down in front of me. “You’re not the girl who drags around some guy you’re not even interested in just to make someone else jealous. You’re not—” He cut himself off and swore as his eyes closed and he tried to control his breathing.
I looked down, trying to rein in my own anger.
I felt his finger slide under my chin, and he gently pushed up until we made eye contact. His voice was softer when he spoke again. “This isn’t you.” His gaze brushed over my clothes, but instead of the lust from earlier, there was sadness. “You’re not the girl who wears tight dresses and loads of makeup.”
My cheeks flamed and my throat burned as I stepped out of his grasp and hit the door. Tears threatening, I looked down at the person I was pretending to be, feeling like a fool. My eyelids instinctively closed as the first tears fell. I knew I looked ridiculous, but I guess part of me had thought it was all in my head. Part of me thought I could still look like what he might want. And part of me thought I could hide behind the fact that it was Halloween.
After seeing Miranda, I took a hard look at myself and wondered why the hell he’d even asked me out. My long blonde hair and green eyes were complete opposites of her pixie brown hair and chocolate irises. I knew I wasn’t ugly, but when I looked at my
closet earlier, I realized how plain I was compared to her.
A humorless laugh escaped as I thought of her A-line floral dress and nude heels—and how I thought Naomi’s strapless bright-blue dress would somehow compare. The length wasn’t completely indecent, but it definitely wasn’t me.
I looked up at Gabe with a sad smile, the fight completely drained out of me. “Yeah, I guess I look pretty ridiculous.” My voice sounded tired and almost lifeless without the anger it held a few moments ago.
I shrugged and looked down again, trying to swallow the growing lump in my throat. My hands came up to wipe away tears, and when I pulled them away, I noticed some of my makeup had been smeared off. I’d completely forgotten about it because, like he said, I wasn’t this girl.
“Hey.” Gabe’s voice was harsh as he grabbed my chin and forced it up once more. I looked over his face, noting his drawn eyebrows and frown before finally meeting his eyes. When he spoke again, his voice was soft and his face morphed into understanding. “You look beautiful, Alara.”
My breath froze in my throat as his words sank in, and I couldn’t help but smile.
He smiled briefly in return before turning somber once more. “But I can tell you’re uncomfortable, and it makes me sad that you think you’re not beautiful all the time. That you think you need to borrow Naomi’s clothes and makeup.” His fingers trailed down my temple until they met the other hand already on my chin. “You keep trying to be different, and to what end? What are you hoping to gain? I’ve only been in your life for a short period of time and already I’ve seen all the amazing people you have. Naomi, Sherry, Derek… they love you like a sister. They would do anything for you. And I…” He trailed off and glanced down at my lips.
Unveiling The Sky Page 15
