“I just…I…” I start.
Kelly places a hand on mine, giving me strength and letting me know I can take my time to gather my thoughts.
Taking a deep breath, I continue. “You know that it’s always been my dream to go to USC, but after everything that’s happened, I don’t think I can leave Mom and Dad here alone. I mean, I know you guys are here, but they already lost one child.” I fight the tears forming in my eyes.
Kelly pulls me back into an embrace. “You can’t base your decision off of that. Your parents will be fine. You need to decide on your own, and know that we all will support you no matter what you choose.” She cups both of my cheeks so that I look in her eyes. “You hear me, Haylee? Only you can make your decision, and if you choose to stay or choose to go, we will all be right here with you.”
With her hands still on my cheeks, I nod. I finally give in and exhale, knowing that I made the right choice coming here. My phone vibrates, and I look down to see Zach’s name. I choose not to answer it.
“Well, I better get back home. I guess I just needed to talk to someone who wasn’t my actual parents. They’re kind of all over the place these days. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up with them without possibly causing another potential meltdown.”
I bite my lip to fight back the tears, and Kelly sees the look in my eye and knows that if she pulls me into a hug, I will lose it. Fuck, I would like to be able to go one day without getting upset and missing my brother.
Instead of pulling me into her arms, Kelly leans over and kisses my forehead. “I’m here for you always, Hails. I mean it. We all are. The only way we’re going to get through this is by sticking together. I love you, sweetie. Come by anytime.” We both stand, and as she heads back toward the door, she stops and turns back to me. “But don’t use the doorbell—that was just weird.”
We both laugh, and she goes back inside and I walk down the front porch steps back toward my car.
My phone vibrates again with Zach’s photo appearing. This time, I answer.
“Were your ears burning or something?”
“Umm, hello to you too. No. Wait, what does that even mean?”
“Well, usually it means that someone was talking about you, but I’m at your parents’ house and just got done talking with your mom, so maybe you just sensed me being here, but that’s…kinda weird.”
He lets out a laugh. “Yeah, that’s weird, but all right. No, I’ll be heading that way this weekend. Just thought I’d check in.”
Oh man, this is starting to get ridiculous. Enough with the checking in. If he wants to call, then he just needs to call. I hate it that when he says he’s checking in. It feels forced, as if he’s waiting for me to break.
“I’m fine.” Simple as that.
“Haylee.” His tone is firm. “Don’t give me that bullshit. I get that enough from my sister when I know damn well she is anything but fine. I want you to be honest with me. Speaking of which, did you see my sister at all while you were there?”
Honest? Does he want to know how bad I’m struggling to keep it together? No, I refuse to go down that path right now. Finally reaching my car, I sit in the driver’s seat for a few moments, leaving the vehicle shut off.
“Honestly, I just want the day to be over. That’s how I feel. Honestly, I want to have a day where it doesn’t hurt so much to breathe. I want to talk to my best friend—fuck, I want to talk to my brother. But I can’t, and I have to wake up tomorrow and start the day all over again. Is that honest enough for you?”
Unsure how to respond or shocked by my honesty, Zach stays silent. Neither of us says anything, so I decide to break the silence first.
“Any plans for while you’re home?”
“Dani asked me to hang out a bit, which is weird—I mean, in a good way. Maybe she’s coming around. I don’t know. I’ll take whatever time with my sister I can get. Any plans for you?”
I wince at his comment. Yeah, I would take whatever time I could get with her too. So much for me and her against the world.
“Umm…not really. I was thinking of having a bonfire in the backyard. It’s been a while and only so much time I’m at home left, so thought why not.”
“Huh. That’d be cool.”
“Yeah, I think so too.”
“Well, I better finish up and get to class; my break is about over. See you later this weekend?”
“Yeah, sure. Bye, Zach.”
“Bye.”
We’ve been through so much that sometimes it just overwhelms us all. I know he means well, but I wish that he would just let me breathe for a bit. Big decisions and emotions are not my besties these days; then again, my own best friend isn’t really my bestie either. But Zach had a point—that has to mean something that Dani wanted to hang out with him. Graduation is quickly approaching, and our time is winding down, even though I have no clue what she’s planning to do next since deferring college in the fall. Maybe she is finally ready to take a step in the right direction, and I can get my best friend back.
Sitting out by the bonfire in my parents’ backyard, I am happy to have seen this week end. Only two more weeks left of school. After talking with Kelly, I finally made my decision. I even had the courage to discuss it with my parents last night. Like Kelly said, they were happy either way; they wanted what was best for me and not them. The golden and orange glow from the fire lights up around my acceptance letter to USC. “Congratulations.” I read that line over and over.
My attention diverts to the rustling of the bushes on the side of the house, and I quickly fold up the letter. I jump to my feet when a shadow emerges from the darkness, but my fast-beating heart begins to calm down when I see that it’s only Zach.
Clutching my chest, I yell, “Were you trying to give me a heart attack?!”
He throws his hands up innocently before placing them back in his pockets. “Sorry. I guess force of habit, just walking around the side like that.”
I settle back in my chair. “What are you doing here?”
“Dani fell asleep early watching a movie, so I just thought I would check in on things.”
“You don’t have to do that, you know.”
He nods, but I have known him my whole life—he is not letting up at all and will continue to be a pain in my ass. He takes a seat in the open chair right next to me.
I turn my attention to the folded-up acceptance letter to USC that’s in my hands.
“What’s that?” Zach tries to grab it out of my hands, but I pull back.
“It’s nothing.” I take a deep breath. “I mean, it was something, but it’s not anymore.”
I crumple it up and toss it into the fire. I know that the decision was my own and that I could have still gone, but honestly, my life is here. I can’t just up and leave my parents, and Dani especially, after all we’ve been through recently. Sticking around will be good for me, I think.
“Well, we’ve got some celebrating to do.” I push to my feet, feeling a little anxious over my decision.
Zach looks over at me, confused. “We do?”
I nod. “Yep. Looks like I’ll be joining you in the fall at UPenn.”
“What!” Zach jumps to his feet and pulls me into a hug, lifting me off the ground. “That’s awesome!” He quickly puts me down, and it finally hits him. “Wait, what about USC?”
I shake my head and bite the corner of my lip to fight back my tears. “Plans changed. It wasn’t necessarily what I expected, but this will be good.”
I wonder how long it will take me to say that over and over until I believe it. In the comfort of my brother’s best friend’s arms, a single tear falls down my cheek as I watch my dream burn to ash.
“I can’t believe you graduated today.” I press one hand against my heart while the other dramatically wipes a fake tear away. “Oh, you grow up so fast.”
I mean it; watching Haylee and Dani walk across the stage to receive their diplomas, I felt like I was watching a montage of their life. I know it hur
t both of them that this was a monumental moment, one of many more to come that Emmett missed. Would they ever get easier?
Dani shoves me as we walk out on the back deck at our parents’ house. “Whatever, asshole. This was you and Em, just last year.”
She pokes at my chest, and I laugh. Even in the darkness, I know that she’s rolling her eyes.
I’ve missed this playful side of my sister. It’s been over six months since she has been herself. Lately, though, she’s made more of an effort, so it’s a step in the right direction to having my sister back. She relaxes back on of the lounge chairs overlooking the pool, and I follow suit.
I look up at the night sky. Man, I’ve missed this too. You can’t get this type of view in the city. I turn to my sister.
“So, what’s next, sis?” I’m sad that she’s chosen to defer college a year and won’t be joining Haylee and me in the fall.
Dani lets out a long breath as if she were soaking up this moment. Her eyes meet mine, and she smiles. It doesn’t reach her eyes, but it’s still a smile, so I’ll take it.
“You know, I don’t know. I plan to spend this summer figuring out exactly what’s next. I’ve always had a plan, and well, now…” She looks away.
I quickly rise and join her on her chair, swatting at her leg to scoot over. She laughs, but the light of the moon reflects on her tears.
I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her into my chest. “It’s okay not to have a plan. I’m more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy.”
I feel the vibrations of her laugh against my chest; She buries her head further into my chest.
“I know. I just don’t know what I want my life to be now. It’s time I’ve figured it out. Time to start a new chapter in my life.” Her grip around me tightens, and I pull her closer.
I press a kiss to the top of her head. “I know it’s scary, but we’re all here for you to figure it out. I’m always here.”
“Can we just sit here and worry about it all tomorrow?”
“Yeah, Dani, we’ll worry about it tomorrow.” I lie here with my sister in my arms as I listen to her breathing evening out.
I am excited to see what her new plan will bring to her future. If there was one thing we learned from losing Em, it’s that life is short. We need to live every chance we get for him. I hate that she has spent the last six months not living and enjoying the one life we have.
“You sure you don’t want me to wait and ride with you?” I stand in my sister’s doorway while she hurries around her bedroom in her robe, her hair wrapped up in a towel.
“No, you ride with Mom and Dad. I’ll finish getting ready and meet you there soon.”
We’re meeting the Hanks at Boatyard, one of our favorite restaurants in downtown Annapolis to celebrate the girls graduating.
My parents stop in the hallway.
“Dani, you’re not ready yet?” My mom places her hands on her hips.
My sister grunts. It looks like a party in Dani’s room. I chuckle to myself.
“No, Mom, I’m running behind. I just told Zach that I would just meet you guys there.”
“Okay, sweetheart.” Mom steps up to Dani. “I’m so proud of you, Danielle Kathryn.”
Dani wraps her arms tightly around my mother’s waist. “If you guys never leave, I can’t get ready. So, unless you want to miss out on whatever today’s specials are and hang here, that’s cool with me.”
“The girl has a point.” Dad kisses her forehead.
I watch my sister as her gaze lingers on watching our parents leave the room.
“See you soon.” I give a quick wave before making my way down the stairs.
“Are we ready to order?” the waiter asks, standing at the end of our table.
“Just a few more minutes please,” my mom politely responds, but I see the worry on her face.
“Of course. Let me know once you’re ready.” The waiter leaves.
We’ve been waiting for forty-five minutes for Dani to arrive. Now, I know it takes girls a long time to get ready, but not my sister.
“Zach, why don’t you text her again? She didn’t answer my call,” my dad chimes in from across the table.
Me: Hey, are you on your way?
Haylee leans over and whispers softly. “Why didn’t she just ride with you guys?”
“She said she needed more time to get ready. I offered to stay and ride with her, but she was insistent with just meeting us here.”
Fifteen more minutes pass and two more visits from the waiter before my dad says, “She’s clearly not planning to show.”
I look back at the door. Come on, Dani. Now would be a great time to walk through those doors. Be the new and improved Danielle Jacobs.
An awkward silence sat over the table at dinner, as Dani never showed. My dad pulls into the driveway, and I don’t see her SUV. Maybe she pulled into the garage?
“Dani?” I yell from the foyer up the stairs, while my parents look for signs of her on the main floor. I race up the stairs, taking two at a time. “Dani? Are you here?”
Where could she be? I don’t bother knocking once I reach her bedroom door. The door swings open. What the hell? Photos are no longer on the wall. The drawers of her dresser are open and empty. I rush to the closet, and the boxes of Emmett’s things are missing as well.
“Mom! Dad! Up here!” I spot a small piece of paper lying on her bed.
My palms begin to sweat, and my heart feels like it will beat out of my chest. This isn’t happening. My sister left.
Oh, Dani, what did you do?
I feel helpless not being able to do anything from the apartment here in Philly. Sitting on the couch with my head in my hands, I hear the key in the front door.
I turn around and come face-to-face with him.
I jump up and run over to where Emmett is putting his keys on the table.
“Please tell me you found her, Em.”
Emmett has to be able to hear the desperation in my voice. He looks down at his feet and shakes his head in defeat.
“No, I looked everywhere for her—I thought of all the places she could be, and no such luck. I even thought about boarding a plane to Hawaii since we had talked about honeymooning there one day.”
I run my hands through my hair. “Fuck!”
I pace back and forth. I can’t believe I’m stuck in this apartment in case she comes here while everyone else is out looking for her.
“I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on anything with her. I’m her big brother. I should have known something was up—she had been so cut off and distant, and then all of a sudden, she wasn’t. I just thought I was finally getting my sister back. Damn it, how did I not realize this? No…”
I stop pacing and turn to Emmett, my fists clenched.
“No, this isn’t my fault. This is yours.” I catch him off guard, causing him to step back when I poke him hard in the chest, but my anger is only growing stronger. “This is your fault. You left her. You left her all alone. Why did you leave? You fucked everything up!”
I step forward and push him with both hands, ready to throw a punch at my own best friend. Why isn’t he fighting back or telling me this isn’t his fault?
“Say something, motherfucker!” I grab the collar of his shirt and slam him against the wall, my rage pouring off me like sweat. “You fucking died and left us all to pick up the pieces, and she couldn’t handle it, so instead of leaning on us—she fucking ran.”
Em’s hands touch the top of my shoulders and squeeze. It’s written all over his face; he knows it. He looks down, and when his eyes meet mine, they are filled with tears matching my own.
“I’m sorry,” is all he can manage to say over and over again.
Fuck, I miss him.
The front door opens, and a familiar male voice says, “Hey, man, I didn’t expect you home so soon. I went and grabbed pizza and beer—I was too tired from unpacking to cook. Want a slice?”
“Yeah, sure, sounds good.”
I stand and follow Ky to the kitchen.
He sets the pizza box on the island, lifting it to reveal a mushroom-and-sausage pizza. Oh, fuck yeah, my favorite. At least my stomach can be happy.
We both take a seat as Kyler cracks open a beer, handing it to me before opening one for himself. The way we are consuming the pizza, you would think we’ve been starving for days.
“So, how was graduation?”
I’m not ready to come to terms with my sister up and leaving without even saying goodbye, just leaving a note, not to mention the imaginary conversation I just had with my dead best friend. I should keep my answer short.
“Yeah, it was good.”
And I mean, it’s not a total lie—graduation itself was good, given the circumstances. I was so proud to see my sister walk across the stage, especially with everything she had been through lately.
“How were things here? You get all settled? Sorry I wasn’t here to help.”
“Oh no worries, I had it handled. My sister’s boyfriend and a friend of his helped me. It was pretty easy.”
“Good deal. Well, welcome home.”
“Thanks.”
I finish my second slice of pizza and down the rest of my beer. “Well, I’m fucking beat. I’m gonna head to bed—it’s been a long weekend.”
I rise from my seat and throw the empty bottle away.
“Yeah, no problem. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”
I turn and head to my room. Once I close the door, I sit on the edge of my bed and call my parents to check in, and of course, no news yet. I shoot Haylee a quick text, and that’s a dead end too. I lie back on the pillow and decide to send a text for what seems to be the millionth time in twenty-four hours.
Me: Dani, what the fuck were you thinking? Please, just call me. Are you okay?!
No response, just like the rest. Sleep doesn’t come, and my mind is racing. I feel like I’ve gone back in time and am suffering through a loss all over again. I cover my eyes with my forearm to hide the tears even though there is no one in my room to see. I never expected life to turn out so fucked-up. Where was the damn warning label?
I Never Expected You Page 4
