The thing is, round my way there’d be zombie ponies everywhere. Those Shetlands are horrible enough to begin with. I reckon you stick zombie teeth on a pony and it’s going to be scary. London would be pretty horrible with the zombie pigeons as well. I don’t think there’s enough scenes with zombie animals in films.
Stunts and fails
I love watching videos of marriage proposals as well, but they make me cry so I have to be careful not to watch them if anyone’s around.
What’s mental is that YouTube has only been around for fifteen years. It feels like it’s been a part of our lives forever. I can remember when it first started and it was just people singing songs who got famous. Some genuinely talented people have been discovered through it. Having said that, it also gives some people a reason to be stupid. You know when you see people jumping off roofs into dustbins and shit like that? I don’t really get it. Once you’ve done that and put it on YouTube you’ll always be known as the man who jumped from a roof into a dustbin. It’s hardly something you want to put on your CV. I reckon there’s people now who are leaders in their field and they go to present some big paper at a medical conference and everyone in the audience is like whispering to each other, ‘Is that the one that jumped off a roof into a dustbin?’
And I like watching videos of fails too, when people are trying to do something like jump their bike over a ditch and they get it wrong and fall down. Basically what these videos prove is that it’s never not funny to watch a skateboarder smash his testicles on a metal bar. I reckon that might be the greatest discovery of our generation. I also like the way that whatever the compilation and whatever else is in it, there’s always a woman wearing a low-cut top so they can make that the image for the video. That’s some sophisticated marketing right there.
Vloggers
One thing I really don’t get is vloggers. I reckon they start off genuine but in no time they’ve got five million followers and they’re making thousands of pounds a month from advertising and they’re still, ‘Ooh, you’ve caught me all unawares in my bedroom,’ and I’m like, ‘Your bedroom in your massive mansion, where you Scrooge McDuck about in all your money?’ They remind me of the people that present Bid TV, or when you come in too late and switch the telly on and it’s people betting on roulette and the person presenting it keeps mucking up their lines and stuttering. I don’t understand it. I’m from the generation that likes my TV presenters to be good at their jobs. And they’re always like casually sipping Pepsi. ‘Sorry guys, just drinking this delicious, nutritious beverage.’ People aren’t stupid, man.
It would be like me sitting down in front of Gogglebox and going, ‘Ooh, this Domino’s pizza is amazing,’ because they’re plying me with free ones (which they’re not).20
I also worry that young girls are watching them and thinking they genuinely like those things they’re talking about, and that they’re being heavily influenced by what they recommend. I don’t think vloggers are always very transparent about what they’re promoting.
I’ve heard the government are bringing in loads of new rules for YouTubers and other vloggers and I think that’s a really good thing. They’ve already started restricting what people can promote on Twitter. In the old days anyone could put a photo of themselves up hawking a product and they didn’t have to admit they were being paid to do it, but now they have to put #spon after a post if that’s the case. At least now people are aware that even if a celebrity is endorsing something, it may still be a load of old shit. I think it’s only fair that everyone has to be more upfront. You need to be honest about what you flog while you vlog.
Mainly, though, I just think it’s a shame that they’ve got this audience and they’re making all this money and they’re not actually saying that much a lot of the time. It’s just like a constant Q and A with your sister’s annoying mates. ‘OK, so now I’m going to answer some of the questions you’ve sent in. What’s your favourite colour? What kind of an animal would you be? What ice cream flavour do you like most?’ ‘Well, it’s chocolate all the way.’ Who’s sitting up at night unable to sleep because they don’t know what ice cream flavour someone would be?21
The one thing I really did like was when that Zoella talked about how to cope with anxiety, because that felt like someone using their fame to discuss something important and say that it’s OK to admit that you have it. I think that probably did a load of good and it was really brave of her.
I think me not getting vlogging is another example of me being too old. But then my sister Ava watches them all and we watched one together the other day and even she was like, ‘What’s she on about?’ I’m probably not watching the right ones or something.
But I guess I feel that happens a lot with stuff on the internet. It’s like with the Icebox Challenge: how many people that did it really knew what it was for, and how many just thought it was a cool thing they could kind of show off about? It still raised loads of money, but then the internet moves on really quickly and everyone’s gone back to dressing their pets up and stuff.
Dogs in outfits is never not funny, mind you.
Five things that confuse me
Google
Like, how does it know all of this stuff? You can literally type in ‘quantum physics’ and it comes up with a million results. It’s so clever.
Gravity
I just don’t get why people in the South Pole aren’t walking around on their heads, because technically they are upside down. And wouldn’t their heads get sucked into the middle of the world?
Insurance-company toys
Are there seriously people who choose their insurance based on what sort of toy they get given? Is there any bigger proof that no one understands what they’re buying? Maybe it’s just the most grown-up thing you can do is to get insurance, so you want to balance it out with something childish. What’s next, toffee apples in solicitors’ offices?
Fatty foods
Why do all fatty foods taste so nice yet they’re bad for you? Why does something so tasty have so many downsides?
Life
Just in general. How it works, why we are here, what happens when we die? The whole thing completely baffles me, and what baffles me more is that no one really talks about it. It’s like we forget how weird it is that we’re walking around on this little planet, spinning round and round a big flaming star, while a little rock moon orbits around us. And everyone is popping babies out of their bits. What the actual eff is going on?
5
. . . choose your clothes
Scarlett’s Favourite Random Facts
Camels have three eyelids on each eye.
The largest snowflake ever recorded was 15 inches wide.
It rains diamonds on Jupiter and Saturn.
If I ever do get out of the bath, it’s then time for me to choose my outfit.
I like to have at least three different looks set out on my bed because I never end up wearing the one that’s in my head. It’s always better in your imagination and then when you try it on you look like you’re going to an office Christmas party. When you get a new outfit and you feel like you’re the dog’s bollocks, you have ‘Daddy Cool’ playing in your head. Then you wear it a second time and you don’t feel as good. It wears off. You’re always chasing that initial feeling. Having a new outfit is like heroin.22
To be fair, even though I spend days mulling over my outfit I always end up wearing the same thing anyway. If you look at my pictures on Facebook over a three-month period, it looks like I’ve been on a massive week-long bender in the same clothes.
I know what suits me now so I do have a bit of a uniform. I tend to wear jeans and a blazer because I think it looks smart but also quite casual. Obviously I have got several pairs of jeans and loads of blazers but people probably look at me and think, She had that on last week, the scruffy bitch. I’m like Bart Simpson or Simon Cowell: I wear a variation of the same thing over and over. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, I say.
Even though I tend to stick to the same look there are still nights when I have a clothing nightmare. I’ll spend ages staring into my wardrobe hoping some fucker from Narnia is going to appear from out the back of it and hand me something amazing to wear. I always say I’ve got nothing to wear but I’ve also got no space for any more clothes in my wardrobe so there’s a bit of a disparity there.
I’ll always check with my friends what they’re wearing before I make any final decisions on my outfit. I also often get them to send me photos of what they’re wearing so we don’t end up in the same thing.
It’s bad when that happens, and there are only so many shops to choose from so of course there’s a crossover sometimes. If two people so want to wear the same thing, there always has to be that awkward conversation about which one is going to change. The other night Kelly and Sam both wore a black shift dress, a long chain necklace and their hair in loose waves. They were so similar they looked like the Chuckle Brothers, and they were standing next to each other in loads of photos so it was a bit ridiculous. People spent the whole night saying to them, ‘You’ve both got the same outfit on!’ as if they hadn’t realized.
Squad goals
While me and my mates go out of our way to make sure we don’t look the same, obviously there’s this whole ‘squad goals’ thing that goes on where everyone dresses alike on purpose. I saw a group of girls all wearing the colour mustard the other night and they’d obviously coordinated. Why? I wouldn’t want to look like a shit version of Girls Aloud, thank you very much. It’s like people decided it wasn’t enough to dress in pink T-shirts with a nickname on once a year when they went to Magaluf and they wanted that fun all year round.
No jacket required
What I wear on a night out is never weather-dependent. Where I live you still see girls going out in summer dresses when it’s snowing.
I’m a massive fan of online shopping, so that’s where I get most of my clothes and accessories. It’s just so much easier than actual shopping. You don’t have to wait around in queues and search through rails for your size. You order what you want one day and it comes the next. It’s like magic. When the package arrives I’m like, ‘Yay!’ because I forget that I’ve actually paid for it. If you don’t physically have to hand over money, it’s basically free, isn’t it? It’s like a mini Christmas every week in my house.
Tights
Glossy tights are one of my pet hates. I don’t even know where people buy them? I just don’t get the whole tights things anyway. And I really don’t understand it when people wear tights with shorts. Surely it’s one or the other? You’ll end up sweaty and probably a little bit rashy. It’s like sticking cling film round your legs and going out.
I think from the first day of autumn onwards you’re legitimately allowed to wear tights, but you have to stop when it’s spring again. Not old people – they can wear them anytime. But if you’re not eligible for a free bus pass, tights when it’s hot are not acceptable.
Local shopping
Where I’m from, the options are basically pound shops, nail parlours, charity shops and kebab shops.
Nail parlours
Before a certain point nail parlours didn’t seem to exist and then suddenly they were everywhere. It’s like they just invented another thing that we have to spend loads of time and money on. Before, you could just make sure your nails were a bit trimmed, a bit polished and that was enough. Now they have to be three-foot long, purple and shiny. And I don’t understand what all these women who wear the masks were doing before. Were they just sitting at home being really good at putting fake nails on themselves but nobody ever asked them to do it for them? I feel like these shops appeared overnight.
Pound shops
When people refuse to shop in them, that’s a real example of how some people will pay just to feel a little bit posher. ‘You know next door in Poundland that shampoo is exactly the same but a pound?’23
There is a tiny part of me that wonders whether when I buy something from a pound shop I’m gonna get it home and the bottle’s just going to be full of twigs and mud. Then someone came up with the 99p shop – that was a brilliant bit of branding, wasn’t it? But then you pay 1p for the carrier bag, so it’s actually a pound anyway. I refuse to go in the 99p shop, cos you’ve got to have your limits, haven’t you? Otherwise, where does it end?
The high street
I do like high-street shopping but I find that a lot of the time when you go into shops the people who work there think they’re mint. They’re dressed like they’re going for a night out at 11 a.m. I’ve worked in retail so I do understand what it’s like. I worked in Topshop in York for a while and I know it’s important to wear their clothes and try and make them look good, but you do not need to go to work wearing black lipstick with a fully contoured face. Calm the fuck down, man.
I used to work with a girl who definitely dressed better for work than she did for a night out and I never understood it. If I saw her out she looked quite scruffy, but she looked like she was going clubbing when she was behind the till. I also never understand why people go out shopping in skyscraper heels and dresses either. Seriously, put some flat shoes on. You’re buying a top, not going clubbing. And I hate it when you ask a shop assistant for something in a different size and they look at you like you’ve just called their mother ugly. It’s their job! If they can’t be bothered to look out the back for it, they’ll say, ‘Sorry, everything’s out on the shelves.’ That is bollocks. They’ve got a massive storeroom they can’t be arsed to sift through.
It also drives me mad – God, I’m right on one now – when the sales assistants are too busy having a laugh with each other to serve you. I actually saw two cashiers high-five each other the other day. WTAF?
*takes a deep breath*
Me mam describes my style as ‘scruffy smart’. I’ve got really big boobs so I try to hide them. I always think I look really top heavy or slutty if I get them out. I generally buy the same things, so I’ll have five tops or shirt dresses that are all ever so slightly different, to go with my identikit jeans and blazers. They all look the same but they may have a different print or cut that makes buying them acceptable.
You will never, ever see me in a bandage dress or some drapey shit with my boobs out. All my friends say that I dress like a MILF, which is weird because I don’t have a kid, but I take it as a compliment.
One thing I’m really guilty of is buying whole outfits straight off the mannequin. Say if I walk past River Island and see something I like, I’ll buy exactly what’s on that mannequin. Exactly. Then I’ll go out that night and see five other people who have done the same, and I’ll have to spend the entire night dodging them. It’s like the most embarrassing squad goals ever. #mannequinsquadgoals
Mannequins
Mannequins are so glamorous these days and most of them have better hair than me, which really pisses me off. They’ve got false eyelashes and everything. Back in the old days they were really square but now they’re like style icons. Because there are so many cool ones, if I see one now that’s got no head and arms I feel dead sorry for it. I’d love to know who gets to make the decision about whether or not they have nipples as well, cos some of them do and some of them don’t. I wonder if you get to choose the nipples from a catalogue if you’re the manager of the shop. I bet you’ll be like me now and next time you go to Topshop, you’ll check if they’ve got nipples.
There was a bit of an uproar about the size of mannequins recently, with people saying they’re too thin, and I do get it. Everything looks good on a doll that’s six foot tall and as thin as a pencil, but at the end of the day you’re going to try that outfit on and people aren’t stupid. Unless you are a supermodel or in serious denial no one actually thinks they look good in a leopard-print catsuit.
I’ve never understood why shops don’t have smaller and curvier mannequins? I’d love that. Why not mix it up? Someone is missing a trick not making variations. It would make things a bit m
ore interesting. Some clothes actually look better on people who are shorter or have boobs, so why not put them on a mannequin they’d suit?
I do find it ridiculous that shops have size-zero mannequins representing all of their clothes. It feels so old-fashioned. I think one day we’ll look back and be really shocked that there was only one kind of mannequin. It’ll be a bit like the smoking ban, and how we’ve all forgotten what it was like when people could smoke in restaurants and even on planes. You won’t remember what the world was like before there were mannequins of all shapes and sizes and colours. I really hope that happens anyway. They could start with a bit more of a normal-sized one in the meantime at least.
While we’re on the subject, I do get a bit pissed off with online shopping when stores have plus-size models that don’t look like they’re in any way plus size. Why don’t they put the outfit on someone’s who’s got a bigger bum so you can actually see how it fits? Wouldn’t that be novel? Maybe we’d all stop feeling like the world wants us to be lamp posts in wigs.
I hate it when I go shopping and I’m made to feel uncomfortable because I’ve asked for something in a bigger size. I’ve been properly looked up and down before because I’m not a size 6. How dare I ask for something in a size that will actually fit my boobs! I’m not just being paranoid; I do feel like I’m judged sometimes.
Scarlett Says Page 5
