by Nikki Landis
I leaned against the railing of my balcony and hopped up, propping my back against the wall of the house. I let one leg fall over the ledge on each side so I could keep my balance. My neck was still sticky so I piled all of my hair on top of my head and held it there with one hand while I was fanning my neck with the other. Ah, instant relief.
Finally I started to cool off enough and feel less sticky. I sighed happily. I loved this balcony just for this reason. I often came out in the night when I couldn’t sleep or when I needed to think. It was calm and quiet, high enough to feel privacy, and secluded from the world by the trees. I was hidden in a den of green. Safe in my own little world.
I hopped up again and started twirling around, laughing lightly as the breeze blew gently around me. I felt so light and wonderful. I always felt good when I was surrounded by nature. I loved the fresh air and the smell of all the plants and flowers. It was the only thing keeping my thoughts at bay, stopping the whirlwind of fear and doubt that wanted to creep into my mind and hide itself until ready to pounce, if given half a chance.
I walked over to the ledge again, wanting to look up at the moon. I climbed up on it and lay down on my back, staring at the night sky. The cool concrete felt good beneath me, preventing my body from becoming overheated again. I was glad Gran had thought to make the ledge wide enough to sit on for me. I reached up above my head and pushed all of my hair out around me like a fan. I lay there content watching the stars and thin wisps of clouds dance in the ebony sky.
And then I wasn’t alone. There was a small movement out of the corner of my eye. Startled, I looked over quickly. I almost screamed and then I saw it was Kellen. He was leaning against the ledge across from where I lay, his eyes roaming over me. When he noticed that I saw him, he walked slowly over, his eyes missing nothing from my position to my attire.
Kellen put his hands on either side of my waist, bending down to look into my eyes.
“This isn’t very safe.” His voice was low and thick. Something in his eyes was dangerous.
“I come out here all the time. I like to look at the stars,” I told him, a little breathless.
“There are other dangers besides monsters.” His eyes were slowly running the length of my body. I saw the pulse in his neck beating erratically.
I had forgotten that I was only wearing a very short little nightgown in this heat. I had one leg raised up, bent at the knee, and the nightgown was resting at my hip. A very revealing position. I started to sit up but that only put me directly into his arms so I slowly sank back against the concrete again. He followed me down part way.
“I don’t think you should come out here like this anymore. Not with me watching.” He gestured to the nightgown.
“I agree.” I told him, my voice shaking slightly. Although what I wanted to say was something entirely different.
His face was so close, dangerously close. He was looking at my lips as I spoke. My breathing became a little accelerated by his nearness, with the way his eyes melted into mine. The way the breeze made his scent fill my nostrils of his lightly applied cologne. The way my racing heart made the rise and fall of my chest almost touch his.
I was very aware of how easy it would be to kiss him. Only an inch or two away. I was fairly certain that if I did, it wouldn’t stop there. There was too much tension and too little clothing involved. So much and so little. An intense contradiction, like fire and ice. I shivered.
He lowered his head further until his lips were close to my skin. They hovered as he moved from my neck to my earlobe and back to my mouth. Just a fraction of an inch away. His breath was accelerated, like he had been running a great distance. Did he want me like I wanted him? Did he crave my touch? My lips? The feel of my embrace?
I raised my hands, unable to stop them, as they touched his face, lightly, before moving to the soft brown curls that fell into his eyes. I brushed them away, my eyes never leaving his.
“Don’t move,” he whispered, “don’t stop…don’t breathe another breath,” he sounded tortured, “or I may never be able to stop myself.”
“Kellen,” I let my fingers trail to the back of his neck, “oh Kellen.”
His nose buried into my hair. I felt him shiver. His fingers were twitching on either side of me. He raised his head, his eyes burning with a flame that could only be described as scorching. An inferno of caged desire. A wave of repressed passion.
“Rhiannon.” There, he said my name like a caress again. “I have something to ask you,” he whispered.
I took a shaky breath, almost missing the fact that he had spoken. I felt dizzy. Infected by the closeness of his intoxicating heat. “Ok,” I replied anxiously.
“Would you go to the prom with me?”
My jaw dropped. I had not expected that. “Yes, Kellen, I will,” I told him, my voice sounding firmer than it should have.
He grinned at me and dropped another inch closer to my face. If I moved at all, even took too deep of a breath, my lips would touch his…and so would my chest. He inhaled, filling his body with the scent of my skin, and no doubt my arousal. I wanted something I did not know how to describe, ached with it, and vibrated with longing for it.
“I really need to say goodbye and have you go inside now. Will you do that please?”
I nodded. “I have just one question,” I breathed. “How long have you been here?”
He grinned at me mischievously. “The whole time.”
I gasped as his grin widened. His eyes looked down to my toes and slowly back again. His hands clenched on the stone just an inch on either side of my waist. His arms shook slightly, as if he fought the desire to bring them closer. As if his only need was to place those hands on my heated skin, inch by inch.
“Like I said, you better go in, now.”
The thing is, I could not move until he did. And he was not moving.
“Rhiannon,” he breathed, “please.”
What did the please mean? Move? Stay? Kiss him?
I raised an eyebrow. “I’ll do whatever you like Kellen.” He shivered at my words. “But you have to move first.”
He seemed startled. Then a low throaty chuckle escaped his lips. “You’re a dangerous little rose Rhiannon.”
He pulled back and clenched his hands into fists at his sides. I noticed his knuckles turning white and jumped up quickly, not wanting to cause him any distress. I was to the door in a flash. It took all I had not to giggle at his struggle. When I turned around to say goodbye, he was right there, as if he couldn’t resist following me.
“Kellen?” I asked, leaning against my door frame.
“Yes?” He had moved closer, as if unable to stay away. One hand was leaning against the wall. He moved right next to me, the space nonexistent between us.
“Why did you call me darling this afternoon?”
He seemed startled. “You heard that?”
“Yes.” I lay my head against his chest. “Why?”
I felt him tremble. “I can’t.”
“You can,” I argued. I let one hand rest against his chest. His heart raced beneath my ear.
“Rhiannon baby please,” he almost growled at me, “you have to let this go tonight.”
He held me briefly, placing a kiss on top of my head, and then he gently pushed me into the room. His hand grabbed the door frame tightly as he pulled the door closed. I noticed his jaw tighten with curiosity.
“You better lock it.” He told me through the glass. His teeth were clenched.
I looked at him questioningly but slid the lock into place. What I really wanted to do was open the door, lean against the frame, and pull him close. I wanted to continue the delicious torment, give in to the temptation, and embrace the desire that ran rampant in my body. What was this strange sensation that rose up within me? This need to feel his body close to mine? To taste his lips? To know his embrace? To feel his every touch?
“Sweet dreams,” he told me softly. His eyes devoured me whole, like I was the prey and he was the h
unter. Like I was the jewel and he was the thief. I shivered.
It was a good thing the door was locked. I probably would have let him do anything he wanted.
“Good night,” I whispered back, “my Kellen.” I said the last part so low he could not hear me. I was his darling and he was mine. I knew that, whether he would admit it tonight or not.
I climbed into bed and watched him pacing on the balcony, the movement of his steps causing my bed to shake lightly on the hardwood floors. The vibration lulling me, gently swinging my frame, but doing nothing for my racing thoughts. It was a very long time before I finally fell asleep.
Once I did, I could have sworn I heard footsteps in my room and a soft masculine voice whisper words of love and devotion. Words of tortured anguish. Words that spoke of a heart that yearned for more than it could have. Had it not been for my dreams of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth, I might have believed it was Kellen.
Chapter Ten
The next morning I woke up later than usual. I had a rough night, tossing and turning frequently with my overactive mind. I got up and showered, walking slowly down the stairs in search of Tylenol and breakfast. To my surprise, Kellen was already there, sharing a cup of coffee with Gramps. Gran was cooking and looked up when I entered.
“Good morning sweetie. Hungry?” She asked brightly.
I smiled. “Yes, of course, thank you Gran.”
I grabbed a glass of orange juice and sat down with the bottle of Tylenol. I took two with a slug of the orange juice and winced as the headache throbbed along my temple. I glanced around and noticed both Gramps and Kellen staring at me.
“You ok Hun?” Gramps’ forehead wrinkled even more.
“I’ll be fine as soon as the drugs kick in.”
Kellen was still looking at me thoughtfully. He raised his eyebrow in concern and unspoken communication. I knew he was asking if I still wanted to go. I nodded at him and his face relaxed. He turned to Gramps and resumed their conversation.
Gran cooked an enormous brunch with eggs, sausage, hash browns, toast, muffins, and mixed fruit. I noticed with humor that nothing went to waste with Kellen here. When were done eating, he excused himself to check out the cemetery and to do a quick assessment of the perimeter. My safety always came first.
It was cooler today and rainy, typical spring weather. Warm and sunny one minute, cool and rainy the next. I changed into a long sleeve top and my spring raincoat. My jeans should be warm enough along with my rain boots. I brushed my teeth and added some lip gloss, happy that my headache was finally disappearing.
Kellen and I left an hour later in his Hummer. The cemetery wasn’t far but it was too wet to walk. We parked outside of the main gates as Kellen turned off the ignition. I looked at him questioningly. Why didn’t we just park in the lot? Now we had to walk in the rain, sloshing through mud.
“Rhia, I’m not sure what we will find in here. I’m sorry to make you walk further in the rain but if we need a quick escape this is going to be much faster than trying to get out of a crowded lot.”
He was right. Funny, I wouldn’t have thought a cemetery would be busy, especially in the rain. But there were many cars in the lot and you could see people walking with umbrellas. Maybe a Monday holiday was a good day to visit. The place was pretty crowded.
Kellen opened my door and handed me an umbrella. He had his hood up over his head, looking dashing in the clouded light. It was misty and cool, the breeze blowing the air around in steady swirls. I felt like I was walking in the middle of a very wet cloud. Blah. I hated getting wet.
I looked at the main gates. They were large and wrought iron, forming a wide arch, with the name West Haven Cemetery in faded golden letters. They looked foreboding and gloomy in the rain. It wasn’t very inviting. Part of me almost decided to leave, but this was too important not to go. I had to force myself to get out of the car. A funny constriction was heavy in my chest.
Kellen was grinning at me, oblivious to my struggle. I returned his smile.
“So, do you want to ask where the graves are located or do you want to find them for yourself?” He asked, his voice low.
“I wish I would have thought to ask Gran. Why don’t we just walk around and see if we can find it on our own? They won’t be buried in the ground. There should be an area for cremations,” I answered softly, my voice wavering just a tiny bit.
I didn’t want to cry today. It would be embarrassing in front of Kellen. He took my hand and we started up the grassy hill, pausing here and there at the family crypts and any buildings. We passed the saddest area I had ever seen. It was named the Lullaby Land and held stillborn and infant deaths. I had to look away fast, tears filling my eyes instantly. More crypts and buildings scattered the area. Finally, we found what we were looking for. At the end of a long row of graves was the Mausoleum.
I ran over quickly and scanned the names of the niches, looking for my parents. They were located on the far Eastern end, about halfway down the stone wall. The bronze plaques read Brian and Rowena Monahan. I don’t know what I was expecting, if anything. But I was completely overwhelmed with the amount of emotion that surfaced, hitting me so fast that I sank to the ground on my knees. Unable to control myself, I felt the sobs rise up in my chest.
I stared at their names, tears streaming down my face and mixing with the raindrops that fell like cool plops of morning dew against my flushed and heated cheeks. I was vaguely aware of Kellen watching me, his eyes narrowed in concern. I knew he was letting me deal with this on my own and I appreciated his silence.
My thoughts were so chaotic in that moment. I never noticed that I dropped the umbrella. Sadness mixed with loss and tossed together with an aching loneliness that made my chest tighten and my throat constrict. I tried to swallow and couldn’t, the lump rising quickly and getting stuck. I wanted to cry out. Yell at someone. Scream.
I would never know them. I would never hear their laughter or feel the warmth of their embrace. I would never know the sound of their voices as they called my name. They would miss every important occasion in my life. Never be present to offer words of love or support. They would forever be absent, torn away long before I had a chance to form any real memories. This was what the enemy had stolen from me, what I could never hope to recover. Despair entered my heart for a moment and I cried harder.
Suddenly I wanted to know why. Why? I looked up at the sky, wishing I could catch some glimpse of the unknown, a symbol of the love and sacrifice my parents had given me so long ago. Rain fell in torrents from the sky, splashing onto my upturned face. Droplets mixed with my tears and stung like little needles as they bounced off my skin. Nothing happened as I waited, not a sound. No miracle took place, no cataclysmic event or life altering experience to bring me sudden clarity.
I sighed softly and blinked against the tears and rain. The sorrow was brutal and unexpected but it caused me to do something I had never done. I had never dealt with my parent’s death or its effect on my life. I realized I had kept it buried under the surface, deep down, and untouched. I had avoided it, maybe subconsciously, as a way to shield myself from pain and suffering.
I finally let my heart accept the truth. The real truth, knowing their great sacrifice to ensure that I survived. How selfless an act it was, laying down their lives for mine. It must have been very difficult. They had to know the odds were not in their favor. How heavy it must have weighed on their hearts, leaving me to the uncertainty of a dangerous future. No knowledge if their sacrifice would keep me safe. A burden I could never begin to understand.
The longer I thought about it, the more I realized the truth. My parents had given me hope. They had given me a chance. Hiding me away with my grandparents had ensured my survival. There was always hope, not that they would return to me, but that my future was bright and full of opportunity. This is what they had given me. The enemy couldn’t touch that. The enemy had no concept of hope or love or sacrifice. I wasn’t defeated at all.
I felt a sudden burden lift fr
om my shoulders, once heavy and cumbersome, now light and carefree. I breathed deeply, filling my diaphragm with new and fresh air. The tears subsided, stopping almost as abruptly as they had started.
I looked up at the sky again, this time at peace. The rain still pelted my face but it didn’t sting as badly as before. The hurt lessened, just a little. The plops of rain slowed down suddenly as the sun burst through the clouds, shining as brightly as a glassy sea on a summer’s day. The heat penetrated the doom, not only in the sky, but in my heart.
I marveled at the welcoming heat and light. It restored my hope and filled me with determination. I wouldn’t let the enemy win, no matter the cost. It was the least I could do, and the best way to honor their memory. As I watched, the clouds departed altogether, moving slowly away, erasing any sign of gloominess from the air and giving the sun dominance in the clear and uncluttered sky.
My heart was light. Nothing had changed, not really, except for my perception…and the now dull ache of my once heavy heart. It would always ache for my parents, for what could have been. For the lost and stolen moments we would never have. Part of me would always wonder, but now I could look forward, without the heaviness that once weighed me down.
I looked at Kellen and smiled. His expression was tender, full of awe and wonder. He took my hands and pulled me up, as we stood side by side. I looked at my parent’s names again. They were forever immortalized in bronze upon the stone wall, just as they were in my heart. I walked closer again, leaving him momentarily, letting my fingers run over their names and down the cool concrete wall.
I would never let go. I would hold on, to the meager memories that still lingered in the deep recesses of my mind and my heart. As long as I remembered, as long as I held on, they would live on. My parents would always be a part of me. I knew in that moment I would be all right. I was finally at peace.
