by Heart,Skylar
I realize that we’re not talking about the same thing. My wanting to know is a different need than her need for me to confront her. My need is selfish. I was only thinking of myself, not of her. Not of her pain, the pain that I’ve seen hiding in her eyes so often since I got to know her. “Because of your thinness.” I can’t look at her. This is definitely overstepping a boundary, but everything makes sense now. The way she won’t eat when people look at her, the way she dresses, her low blood pressure, the dizzy spells. The way Tamara told me that Lizzy was ill, like she assumed that I already knew what was going on.
“Say it.” Lizzy’s voice breaks on the last word.
“Your anorexia.” I can barely say the words—her pain, the hurt that she carries under all her bravado, the bad things that she tries to hide but that I can’t help but want to reach out to. I finally look up at her and my heart breaks all over again. The look she gives me, that pain, that pain is different. She expects me to run, she expects me to dump her right here. That is a look that comes from years of living with something that scares people. I know that fear so well.
“Go away.” Her voice is quiet now, all the anger lost, just surrender left. She’s resigned herself to the idea that everyone who knows about her illness will leave, but I’m not giving up that easily.
I can’t leave her, not now. A real friend doesn’t just go away when someone needs them. “Did you get hurt?”
“No.” Her voice betrays her. She answered too fast. It’s not easy to lie like this.
“Where?” When Joey was not at his worst yet, I saw him faint a couple of times, and Lizzy doesn’t look like someone who will just give up when she feels faint.
“I said no.” She glares at me, frustrated that I won’t believe her lie.
“I know you’re lying.” My eyes fall on her discarded shoes at the end of the bed, a scrape down the side that’s still fresh.
“Nothing happened. I fainted. End of.” She is nearing the end of her patience with me.
“Did you hit your head? Your hip? Your shoulder?” She moves uncomfortably under the blanket. “Did you slide? Scrape your hands?” I saw it happen with Joey once, the scariest thing in the world—seeing him slide as he tried to stay conscious, that last moment of fighting, that last moment of protecting himself.
“Shut up. Why do you even care?” She glares at me with such intensity, such a fighting spirit. I’ve hit a nerve.
Why wouldn’t I care? Does she think nothing of herself? Is there no reason for a friend to care for her when she’s not feeling well? “Because you’re a friend. Of course I care.”
Her eyes widen, but then her mouth sets in a sneer. “And how long before—”
The door downstairs opens and a voice interrupts her. “Lizzy, I got you something to eat.”
I recognize that voice, I would recognize it anywhere. But it has been years since I last heard it.
Footsteps come up the stairs and Lizzy looks between me and the door, slightly panicked. If this person is bringing food over, I’m not surprised that she wouldn’t want me to be here, though she seems to have gotten better at eating around me.
The door opens and a curvy girl steps in,. She wears tight jeans and a tight shirt, showing off her body. But it’s only when her eyes meet mine that my suspicion is confirmed.
Lola.
She’s the reason that I knew the signs of Lizzy’s illness. She’s the reason I could connect the dots of what was going on. And there is no one with eyes like hers, no one apart from Lizzy…
“H…” Lola frowns and I’m once again reminded of Lizzy. How did I never connect the two? I knew I recognized the look Lizzy gave me, but I could never place it. How did I totally miss this? How could I forget?
“Lola.” Seeing her after four years is strange. So many things have happened since graduation. We went to the same high school, we were really good friends, but after graduation we lost contact, which isn’t that odd. So many things happened, it wasn’t an easy time for us.
Lola’s eyes won’t leave mine. Just seeing her, the look she is giving me—we know. That connection we had years ago, it’s still there.
“You two know each other?” Lizzy speaks up.
Lola looks away, instead focusing on her sister, on her twin. How did I not connect the dots? I even knew what Lola’s sister was called, so how did I not see it? “Yeah. We went to high school together.”
“Ah, cool.” Lizzy smiles, but there is something there, something I can’t place. But it doesn’t seem to be happy.
As Lola puts the tray on the table next to Lizzy’s bed, I stand up. “I should be going. I’ll see you in class or at the workshop, Lizzy. It’s nice to see you’re well, Lola.” I walk out before either of them answers. I don’t need Lizzy to say it to know that she doesn’t want me there. And Lola…
I step out of the garage and as I’m near my bike, I lean back against the wall. I’m not sure if I’m ready yet to face it. Face the world. How could I have been this stupid? Her eyes, her name, her illness… I should have known…
“H…” Lola is right next to me.
I turn to her. Her azure eyes are dark, uncertain. “Hey.”
She opens her arms and I take her in an embrace. There may have been years of not talking, but the friendship we had won’t just go away. She holds me tightly and I can feel the stress leave her. “Thank you for checking up on her,” Lola murmurs against my chest before she lets me go. “So, you’re the guy she keeps talking about.”
“Me?” I can’t help but smile. Lizzy was talking about me? I didn’t know that. It makes a little piece in my chest flutter, even though it shouldn’t.
“Yeah, you, you oaf.” Lola pushes at me, smiling. “Lizzy refused to give me a name, just that she met a guy who was also into art. And that she was spending quite a lot of time with him.” Lola lets out a breath. “You look good.” She eyes me up and down. “Finally filled out, I see.”
“Worked hard. You also look good.” Lola has always been curvy, something that used to make her insecure, but it seems that she totally embraces it now.
“Thanks.” She averts her eyes. “I’m sorry. About not staying in touch. About Joey. About Tessa.”
I swallow hard. I could have used a friend, but I also know that it has never been easy for Lola either. We both nearly didn’t graduate, not because we didn’t have the grades, but because we just couldn’t deal any more. We used to be such a tight group—me, Tessa, Lola and Blaze. And Lola and I had a tight friendship too, both with a sibling at home who was sick. A loved one we had to leave behind, so much time lost. I’ve seen her fight through the days as Lizzy had to be taken to a hospital or a clinic, over and over again. I saw her fight for both of them, fight to not lose her mind. And then… at the end… That was the worst. I reach out to her and she slides her hand in mine. “I’m sorry too. It must have been hell for you too.” I run my thumb over her hand. “Have you ever spoken to Blaze again?”
She shakes her head. “Not since the hospital.”
“Not even graduation?”
“He avoided me the whole time. I didn’t even really want to talk to him. My parents tried, but…” She shrugs. “It may have been for the best that way.”
For the best? There were many things that would have been for the best of everyone involved. Him leaving her on her own in the hospital wasn’t one of them. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” She tries to smile. “It meant that I could stay with Lizzy.”
That surprises me. “You never left? You were even accepted at the university you wanted to go to.”
“I stayed here. I couldn’t leave my family alone. I realized that I never wanted to leave.” She shrugs. “Maybe in a few years, but not now.”
I nod. “So, you’re now in your last year?”
“Yeah, hopefully finishing up this year. You?”
“First year, again.”
Now it’s her turn to frown. “How?”
“I stayed a
t home and took care of Joey until the end. And then when I did start…”
“Tessa’s accident.”
I nod. The pain is still raw. There is nothing that can prepare you for a sudden loss like hers, though Joey’s wasn’t much better. “It makes it a bit weird, I’m quite a bit older than the rest, but it’s okay. People stay away from me anyway.”
“I’ve heard the rumors… if they’re only rumors.” The tone of her voice is questioning, accusatory, as she looks at my face. The bruises have faded mostly, but the worst of them are still visible.
“Some are true, others aren’t.” I shrug. “I guess it’s easier when people fear you, you don’t have to deal with them.”
“Apart from Lizzy.”
“She has no fear.” She may be scared, but she fights every fear she has.
“She has a lot of fear, anxieties, but she won’t show them. She can appear really strong. But inside… Her darkness scares me sometimes.” Lola’s voice drifts off, and then she pulls herself back. “On that note, I should probably go back.”
“Yeah. I loved seeing you again. If you’re free, come by the workshop. I’m usually there.” Now the new semester has started, I prefer the workshop over my own place or my parents’ place. It feels more like a future instead of a past.
“I might, if Lizzy is okay with it. It’s her place too.” Lola smiles. “She was supposed to bring me there today.”
“Well, that’s promising. Right?” I reach out to her and she wraps her arms around me. “See you soon.”
“You too.” Lola steps back, watching me put on my jacket and helmet. “Have a safe trip.”
I wave at her and turn on the bike, rolling down the side of the house, to the road instead of the forest. I should probably get here the normal way the next time.
If there is a next time.
If I didn’t just totally mess everything up with Lizzy.
Chapter 11
Lizzy
I watch Hunter drive off, his broad back straining the jacket and his strong legs wrapped around the bike. My stomach flutters. He looks so strong and dangerous when he’s like this. But at the same time, I’ve seen his other sides, both when we modeled for Tamara, and now again here.
At the sound of Lola’s feet downstairs, I come from my spot at the window and get back into bed quickly. I’ve just made myself comfortable when she opens the door to my room.
She smiles as she sits next to me on the bed. “So, Hunter is the guy.” I can’t read her voice—she seems glad, but also worried, and something else.
“Yeah.” My cheeks heat up. Damn, no. I can’t blush over this, not now. Hunter can’t be mine.
Now she smiles as she looks at me. “He’s a good guy, even if he doesn’t act like it.”
That stops any happy feelings. Instead a burning starts in my chest. “How well did you know him?” Did she date him? I’ve never heard her talk about a guy before, at least not as far as I can remember. And the way they reacted to each other, there is a history there. Definitely a history.
“We were friends. And Tessa too. We had a couple of people that we hung out with.”
“Tessa?” I’ve not heard that name before, and definitely not from Hunter. He doesn’t really like to talk about the past, so we usually talk about art, or other not-so-important things. And I’m totally okay with that. Even if that is bound to change now.
“His ex-girlfriend. They were the hottest couple at the school. Lots of jealous people.” Lola grins, and it’s both sad and happy. “He hasn’t told you about her?”
When I just look at her, not saying anything, she nods. This is all new to me.
“Makes sense. Sounds like him.” She opens her mouth a couple of times. “I’m not sure if I should be the one to tell you. It’s his story to tell, really. I only know what I’ve read in the newspapers.”
The newspapers? How would a breakup be in the newspapers? “Now you have to tell me. You can’t just say that and not continue.” There was something that Hanna said at the start of the year, the first time I saw Hunter. “A friend said that something bad happened last year.”
“Tessa crashed her motorbike. Hunter was there with her. She didn’t survive.” Lola’s voice breaks. “I can’t imagine what he must have gone through.”
What?! Damn. No wonder he looks so tormented. I wrap my arms around her. “I’m so sorry. For him to lose her like that, but also for you to lose a friend like that.” I squeeze my eyes shut. I can’t cry right now—this isn’t about me, this is about Lola, and Hunter. “Damn.” My voice is hoarse. “I didn’t…”
Lola wraps her arms around me tightly. “They were so great together. She was such a great girl. Smart, kind, and all kinds of awesome.”
My stomach drops, all the things I’m not, obviously. I still in Lola’s arms and she lets me go. I can’t fight the tears any more, not now, not like this. Even my sister thinks this is a bad idea. But Lola does fit all the criteria she just listed. “Have you ever wanted to be his girlfriend?” I force the words out.
She looks at me, silent for a moment before she shakes her head. “No. He was my friend, we could talk to each other easily, but that’s all.”
“Did you have a boyfriend?” The words come out of my mouth and I didn’t even mean to ask them. But she knows when I have feelings for a guy, or even when I’ve got a boyfriend, but she never shares.
Lola looks away, but not before I see the pain in her eyes, just a flash. “At one point. But I don’t want to talk about it.” Her words are clipped and she stands up. “Go have your lunch. I’ll come pick up the plate later.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.” I reach out to her, wanting to pull her back. I hate hurting her, and I’ve done just that.
“It’s okay. See you later. Please try to rest.”
Damn! She is at the door before I can get out of bed. I grab for her, just getting the sleeve of her shirt, but I hold on. I could hear the tears in her voice. I can’t let her go like that. I can’t have her be in pain over something I said, especially when I didn’t even mean to hurt her.
Lola turns to me, taking my fingers from her sleeve. The look in her eyes hurts, not the pain, or the sadness, but the distancing. “No. I can’t do this right now. This is not something I can share.”
I swallow hard. “At least… don’t be alone. I’m here for you. You don’t even have to talk.”
“I can’t do that, not now. Eat, or Mum and Dad will be worried. Yeah?” She walks out of the room and closes the door behind her.
A sob overtakes my body, all my energy leaving me. I curl up in bed, hiding under the blankets as the sobs won’t stop. It’s too much, just too much. First the fainting, then Hunter coming here, and now Lola. I hurt her. Something happened, something that I don’t even know about. I can see it in her eyes. She’s been hiding something big from me, and now I poked at it. No, not just me—seeing Hunter already gave her that look. What happened to them? What happened that they all have that look?
Hunter… I understand his darkness so much better now, why he has so much pain. Losing his girlfriend like that… No wonder he isn’t dating anyone. Which is only for the better for me.
I curl up with my drawing pad on the couch, hiding under the covers as I blast music through my little speakers. I need to draw my feelings, I need to let everything go, or it won’t get any better.
“Lizzy.” Mum’s voice makes me jump out of my skin. I turn around, looking at her as she turns down the music. “You weren’t at dinner. And what happened with Lola?”
“Hm?” Lots happened, but I’ve got no idea what she’s talking about specifically.
“She’s been upset all afternoon, like you, blasting music from your high school years all day.” She sits down on the coffee table. “What happened?”
I’ve got no idea how to explain it. “I fainted this morning. And a friend came to check on me. She already knew him. Hunter?”
“The Porter boy? Yeah, they used to be
friends.” Mum nods. “I guess they lost contact after high school.” In the silence, her face falls. “I guess that it’s hard for her to remember those days.” Then her eyes focus on me. “What is your excuse?”
I shrug. “Crappy day, crappy week.”
She looks at me. “Have you eaten dinner yet?”
I shake my head. It takes everything in me not to lie right now. It would be so easy.
“I’ll bring you some. Just… don’t just hide yourself away. We worry.” She puts her hand under my chin. “If you don’t feel well, talk to us, please. We can’t read your mind, so you need to tell us if you need help.” She reaches out to my stereo again.
“Just leave it like this. It’s fine.” I lean back, thinking about what she just told me. They worry, but somehow they’re hiding this secret from me and it doesn’t occur to them that I may need to know about it too.
Mum leaves again after smiling at me, but I can see the change in her eyes. It seems that the only one who doesn’t know what happened to Lola is me. A coldness settles in my stomach and suddenly I can’t sit still anymore. My family has been hiding things from me, and somehow I just need to be okay with that?
I stand up and grab my jacket. I’m tired of being locked inside. I need to be outside for a while. I open the door and walk out back, out into the forest. I need to walk this off, or I’ll blow up at the wrong person.
I walk into the studio, a knot in my stomach. I’ll have to face Tamara and Hunter, and that scares me for totally different reasons. But when I walk into the main area, only one of the photographers is here—Damon, a guy I’ve known for years. He used to be at the old workshop way back when I attended too.
“Good morning,” Damon calls out to me, as he plays with his camera.
“Morning. Tamara in yet?” I take my jacket off and dump it near the door.
“Nah, I’m the only one.” He stands up and looks at me. “You wanna model for me? I need to test the new lamps and I want to play with some settings on the camera.”
