by Heart,Skylar
Mum looks at the doctor. “Is that true?”
“I can’t give a conclusive answer. But four pounds is a lot to lose for just a little stress.”
Fuck. I know that I can’t keep going like this. But at the same time, I can’t believe the way Mum is looking at me. “No. It’s just a little stress. I’ll get over it and back on track. I promise.” I have to, because if they send me to the clinic, I’ll miss too many classes and if that happens I’ll have to redo my first year again. I can’t do that, I can’t keep doing that.
“Promise me.” The doctor looks at me.
“I promise. I’ll gain the weight back. Anything but going to a clinic.” Dammit, I’ll do anything, I’ll beg even. I just need to stay out of the clinic.
“If your parents agree, I’ve got a schedule for you to follow. You’ve done one of these before. And I want to see you every week until you’ve reached the weight that you were last time.”
“I’ll do it.” I hate the schedule. It means eating every two hours, set meals every time. It breaks up my day so much, but I’ll have to do it.
“I’m not so sure yet.” Mum puts her hand on my arm and I pull back. “I’ll have to talk to my husband about this.”
“Well, I’ll give you the schedule anyway so that you can take a look at it anyway. You can reuse it every week, or I’ll get you a different one next week. You don’t have any diet specifications, yeah? Not vegetarian or allergic to anything?”
I shake my head. At least the doctor seems to be in my corner, at least he understands that I don’t want to leave.
“Here.” He holds out a plasticized card, with meals and times on it. “Also, no sports, no long walks, nothing like that. Preferably you’ll try to keep still as much as possible.”
“Okay.” It’s not like I play sports anyway, though I’m not happy that I can’t go for walks in the forest anymore. I put the card in my bag before Mum can get a hold of it.
“Are you going to follow it? If not, I’ll have to side with your mum that you may need more intense help.”
“I’ll be good. Really. I’ll gain the weight back.” I have so much more to fight for this time around. I can do it, really.
“Okay, if you could make an appointment for next Monday at the front desk, that would be great.” He stands up, giving Mum and then me a hand. “See you next week.”
I quickly stand up and make my way to the front office. “An appointment for next week, please.”
The woman looks up from her screen. “Monday morning at nine?”
“Sounds good.” I don’t care, I just want to get out of here.
The receptionist hands me a card with the new time and date on it and I put it in my pocket. I walk outside, wanting to get away as soon as possible.
“Lizzy.” Mum’s voice is loud and I stop immediately, not turning around just yet. She stops right in front of me, looking at me, glaring at me. “How did this happen?”
“Stress, worry, new things. I lost track for a bit. It will be better next week, I promise.” I hope she’ll accept this, because I don’t have anything else.
“I’m not so sure I agree with the doctor’s plan. I’m going to talk to your father before we decide on what to do next. I still believe that you need more specialized help, fast. Today rather than in three weeks.” Her eyes are sad, and I feel for her. It must not be easy to deal with me, but I also don’t want her to lock me up. “You know what happened last time we didn’t pay attention.”
“That is not the same.” How dare she drag last year into this? “That was totally different, and you know it. Don’t punish me now for something that happened last year. That’s just not fair.”
“It’s not about fair. We’re worried.”
“Yeah, go project your worry some other way. Not by shipping me off so someone else can handle me when you can’t.”
That leaves her stunned, her eyes big, her mouth slightly open. I may have gone too far… “You think we like sending you away? You think we like feeling that we can’t even take care of our own daughter? You really think that?”
“Yes, or you wouldn’t be threatening me with it every opportunity that you get.” I turn around and walk away. I don’t want to do this anymore.
“It’s not like that. Damn, Lizzy. We love you, we want what is best for you.”
“Then let me stay at home, let me go to classes, let me practice art. Don’t take all that away from me.” I can feel tears well up, but I force them down. Not now.
“Where are you going?” Mum follows me, but I’m not walking to the car.
“To class. I’ve got literature today. Or are you telling me that I can’t go to class either?” I glare at her and she steps back.
She stops, looking defeated. “Yeah, you can go to class. I’m going to speak to your father and we’ll talk together after you come back. Okay?”
“Fine.” I take out my bus pass as I check the times on the schedule. “See you when I get home.”
I deliberately turn my back to her as I wait for the bus. I don’t dare to look her way, afraid she’ll still be there. I can’t face her right now. I say the wrong things at the wrong times, as usual.
I walk into the workshop, I’ve still got a couple of hours left before the literature class starts. The lights are on, but I don’t see anyone around. Then I check the private room schedules and see that Hunter is in one of them. My heart makes a little jump, but I push it down immediately. He hasn’t replied to my text from Saturday evening, so I’m assuming that he doesn’t want to see me.
I can take a hint. I freaked him out last Saturday and he doesn’t want to face me now. Fine. I made stupid mistakes anyway. I should have never touched him like that, or kissed him. My face heats up at the memory and a heavy feeling spreads through my body. I write my name down for one of the other private rooms and walk past the doors. It’s not that I want to work, or need to work, but they give a good amount of privacy when I need it.
As I walk past the room Hunter is in, I look inside, but he’s got his back to me and I can’t see what he is working on. So I take the room a couple of doors down and close the privacy curtain on the door.
I open my bag and take out the eating chart. It’s mostly fresh foods, though there is a list with things I’m allowed to substitute. The last time I did this I was just at home, I didn’t have to take classes or anything. Which makes this a little bit more difficult and annoying. I check my bag for a protein bar—at least I can substitute a meal for one of these when I want to. I start eating it as I check every day, looking for swaps, looking for things I’ll need to change or want to change. It’s not a bad schedule. I’ve definitely had worse. Last year’s one was a lot worse, but that was for a lot more weight loss, this is only for a little bit. This I should be able to do. I think.
I let out a groan and put the chart aside, I’m deceiving myself if I think this will be easy. It’s so easy to get used to an eating schedule—dropping calories gets so easy when it’s just a little bit here and there and then little bits more here and there. Before you know it, you’re not eating enough again and bad stuff starts happening, bad stuff like this.
I pull my notebook from my bag and start doodling in it. I need to let these emotions out, I need to let them go. I need to express them. I’m so lost in my own little world that a knock on the door startles me.
“Lizzy?” Hunter’s low voice makes me shiver, immediately conjuring up feelings from last Saturday.
“Yeah?” I stand up, opening the door. I swallow hard. He looks… horrible, exhausted.
“It’s time to go to class. Are you coming?” He doesn’t try to sneak a peek into the room, respecting my privacy. To be honest, he doesn’t even sneak a peek at me either… just plainly staring ahead.
“Yeah, just let me clean up around here. I’ll be out in a minute.”
Hunter nods and steps back, letting me close the door.
I don’t have anything to clean up, but I’m not eating in
front of Hunter. I don’t want him to see that even though I was trying to get better, I got worse again. I force myself to eat another protein bar, flushing it down with enough water to drown a small city. But at least it’s inside and that is what counts. If I’m going to prove that I can do this myself, I need to stick to the plan. I grab my notebook and cram it into my bag with my other books and things.
When I open the door, Hunter is standing a while off, his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes on the floor. As I close the door behind me, he looks up, giving me a quick smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Ready?” He starts walking.
Nothing, no reaction to what happened. No questions about how I am. No heart-melting smiles. I guess I should really take a hint. This is over. One kiss, some flirting, and now he’s locked me out of his life. I follow him out of the workshop and we make our way to the building where we have literature.
When we get there, Hanna is already waiting for me. She gives Hunter the stink-eye before she comes over to me, smiling. “Hi.”
“Hey. Did you have a good weekend?” I fall in step with her as we make our way up the stairs.
“Including or excluding our trip to the zoo?” She grins. “It was good. You’re lucky with a sister like that.”
“Twin,” I automatically answer. I hate it when people just assume that Lola is older.
“Twin? Okay.” Hanna falls silent for a moment, then she shrugs and smiles. “Still cool. I’d love to hang out together more often. Just not—” She glares at Hunter, who is walking behind us.
I feel bad. He doesn’t deserve her anger. But how can I explain that without revealing what happened? “We should. Totally.” The door opens and the previous group spills out of the room.
My phone makes a sound and I check it. It’s a message from Mum. ‘Your father and I want to have a chat with you. Come straight home after class.’ That sounds… ominous, and my stomach curls into knots. I already know that this isn’t going to be good. There’s no way that what they want to talk about is going to make me happy, or they would have just waited for me to come home by myself.
Hunter catches my eyes and he looks my way. I’d love to do the same as we did that first week, skip class and run off. But I need to show that I’m responsible and that I can do this, that I’m not some little girl they can just lock up.
I refuse to be that little girl.
Chapter 18
Hunter
After class I go to my parents’ riding school. They need some help around the place and I need to fix the barn, as I’ve promised to do all summer… but with the colder weather coming up, it really needs to be done now.
Of course, as I’m standing there, hammering on a plank and about ready to paint it, it starts to pour. The temperature plummets and I quickly get into the barn.
Dad comes out of the storage shed, joining me in the doorway of the barn. “Right on time.”
“I wasn’t able to paint it yet. But it’s fixed.” I lean back against a box, and the horse in it nuzzles my shoulder. I reach up and run my hand over her nose. “It should keep the weather out, for now. But I’ll have to paint it over the weekend or something, we can’t keep it like this.”
“I know. Thanks anyway. I can’t do everything around here anymore. Even if I’d like to.” Dad laughs.
“Hey, you’re not allowed to overwork yourself. The doctor said so.” I shake my head. Dad’s been working at riding schools all his life, first just fixing things but later owning his own place. It does mean that he put more pressure on his body than he should have. The barn we’re in now is made by him and some friends. If he wants to keep running things a while longer, he really needs to let me do some things around here. Plus, it keeps me active. It keeps me going, even when I just want to pretend I’m an angry teen.
“Hey.” Dad comes over, looking at me. “What happened this weekend?”
“What do you mean?” So many things happened this weekend.
“You looked happy when you came back on Saturday, when you went out with Lola and the other girls. But then yesterday morning, it was different.” He shrugs. “It seemed like quite a switch.” He doesn’t look me in the eyes. “Is it because it’s been nearly a year since Tessa’s crash? Did you have memories because you used to hang out with Lola and Tessa together?”
Nearly a year. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that long, at other times it feels longer. I shake my head. “Just other stuff.”
“If you need to talk about it…” Dad shrugs, then he looks outside. “It doesn’t seem like the rain is gonna stop any time soon. Let’s get inside. I think Mum has dinner ready.”
I’m all for that. If I can’t figure out what is going on, how can I explain to my dad? We sprint from the barn to the back of the house, where Mum is waiting on us, her arms crossed.
“Like father, like son. It’s like you pay no attention to what is going on once you’re busy doing things.” She hands me a towel. “Get yourself dried up. I’ve got dinner ready.”
“You could have told us it was going to rain,” Dad mumbles as he gets out of his shoes and follows Mum into the kitchen.
I don’t hear her reply, but I can’t help but smile. Mum’s right though, if we were paying attention to what was going on, we would have seen the rain coming in. I climb the stairs to the upper level and open the door to my room. I probably sleep at least one or two nights a week here. I throw my wet clothes in the hamper and pull on clean and dry ones. I stretch as I grab my phone and put it in my pocket.
“Hunter, dinner is getting cold,” Dad calls from downstairs.
I open the door on the other side and make my way down there. I have two doors in my room—maybe it’s weird, but it helps with keeping things clean around the house. This way I don’t spread mud all over the house, or have to get to the main house through the dirt. It also helps with trying to sneak out at night. Not that I’ve ever tried, of course.
My phone starts ringing for the third time in five minutes and Mum and Dad are starting to glare at me. We’re not supposed to have our phone on during dinner, but I forgot to turn it off.
“Can you make it stop?” Mum sighs.
“Yeah, yeah.” I grab my phone, only to see that the first two calls were from Lola and the last one from Tamara. Then it starts to ring again, my heart constricts and I lift it. “I have to take this. Sorry.”
I step out of the kitchen and take the call. “Hunter here.”
“Have you seen Lizzy?” Tamara’s voice is on edge.
“Not since class.” Lizzy is missing?
“So she was in class?”
“Yeah. I saw her. I went home afterward, so I don’t know if she went to the workshop after or not.” It didn’t look like she would though, she didn’t seem in the mood to do so.
“Okay, so that gives a better time line. Thanks.” She’s about to hang up, but I need to know.
“What’s going on?”
“Lizzy’s parents are worried. She didn’t come home after class, and it’s nine now. She’s still not back.”
Fuck. Sure, there seemed to be something on her mind today. But I’ve not been without my own distractions today. Though I didn’t expect this of her. “Does anyone know where she could be?”
“Well, Lola thought maybe with you. But apparently not.”
“No. I haven’t seen her. Is there anything I can do?”
“Let Lola know if you hear from her, please?”
“I will. Thanks for letting me know.” I hang up and go through all the times I saw Lizzy today. Sure, she didn’t look too happy, especially around me. But I wasn’t in the mood for anything either. Did I miss something? I text Lizzy out of the sheer hope that she’ll reply to me. But after I ignored her message from this weekend… I’m not expecting much.
“Hunter?” Mum comes into the kitchen. When she sees my face, she frowns. “What’s wrong?”
“A friend is missing. They can’t seem to find her.” I’m eyeing my
helmet and jacket that are waiting for me.
“And you want to look for her?”
“I don’t know.” Sure, I’d love to go look for her, but where would I start?
“Is there a reason why you’d be able to find her?”
I nod, my heart heavy. There definitely is a reason why people suspect she’d be with me.
“Does she know about your studio in the city?”
“Fuck.” I try to remember if I ever told Lizzy. Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t. I can’t remember. “Maybe.” If she’s waiting for me there, there isn’t anyone around. Nobody to let her in while it’s pouring outside. “Dammit.” I turn to Mum. “I’m sorry. Can you let me know if she shows up here? It’s Lola’s sister.” I start putting on my jacket, quickly figuring out what else I’ll need to take with me.
“You’re not waiting until it has stopped raining?” Mum hands me my bag.
“No. If she’s out there in the rain, I need to find her right now.”
“Okay. Just… take an extra helmet. You never know.”
That stops me, my heart going into overdrive. “I can’t.” I can’t let someone else on my bike. I can’t let anyone I care for on a bike. Anyone I… Fuck.
“Of course you can. It’s the fastest way to get around if needed. Take it.” Mum stretches and hands me the helmet from the top of the shelves. “Go.”
I take the helmet, one of my old ones, and put my own on. I guess it can’t be helped. I put the extra helmet at the back of the bike and put on my gloves. Then I push off and drive down the gravel path. Where could she be? Where could she have gone? Should I have asked her what was wrong? I know that she got a message that she didn’t like this afternoon. Was that what made her decide not to go home?
Was there anything I could have done?
Dammit. I turn onto the road. It’s nearly empty, which is no surprise—it’s getting late and this isn’t the main road that most people take. The lights at the side of the road keep illuminating and then drowning me in darkness: light, dark, light, dark.
