by Anna Wilson
Grandpa’s face lit up with excitement. “A human invention, you say? Fascinating!” He grabbed the tube of cream. “I wonder if I could write an extra chapter about human inventions for the Encyclopaedia of Curious Creatures?” he muttered to himself, as he scanned the words on the tube. “Human beings really are most interesting.”
“Quick!” Flit squeaked. “Let’s go!”
Vlad immediately dragged Lupus into his room. Flit and Claw followed.
“Phew, that was close,” said Flit as Vlad slammed the door behind them. “What did you think you were doing, going to school with Vlad?” he asked Lupus crossly. “If it wasn’t for Claw, I wouldn’t have even known! She came back and told me she’d followed you to the school gates.”
“Caw! You could have got Vlad into serious trouble!” said the raven. “Flit’s been worried sick.”
Lupus pulled a face. “I see you two are best mates all of a sudden,” he said.
Flit flew at him. “You have no idea of the danger you’ve put Vlad in!” he screeched.
“Flit! STOP!” Vlad cried, grabbing him. “It’s OK. No one has guessed that we’re vampires.”
Lupus looked amused. “I don’t know why you are so worried about keeping it a secret anyway.”
“Why do you THINK?” Flit shrieked.
Vlad looked at Lupus and then said, “In Transylvania humans and vampires get on fine. Lupus says that two of his best friends at school are humans.”
Flit sneered. “I don’t believe it,” he said. “Mortemia and Drax would’ve mentioned it after their trip.”
“They didn’t find out,” Lupus said quickly. “Mum and Dad know how traditional Vlad’s parents are. They didn’t want to worry them.”
“That’s true,” said Claw.
Flit still looked doubtful.
“And I don’t want to worry you, Flit,” Lupus added, making his voice warm and reassuring. “Tell you what – if you let me go to school with Vlad again, I promise I will teach him some awesome flying skills to show off to Auntie M.”
“Sounds fair,” said Vlad.
“And I’ll make sure we get to go camping on Friday night, too,” Lupus added.
“Camping?” the little bat exclaimed. “You can’t do that!”
“It’s OK, Flit,” said Lupus. “I know what I’m doing.”
“All right,” said Flit crossly, as he flew up to the rafters. “But Claw will have to keep an eye on you in the daytime.”
“Not a bad idea,” said Claw, flying up after the bat.
“Thanks, Flit,” said Lupus.
Flit gave a grumpy squeak but said no more.
The two vampires crept into their coffins and snuggled down under the covers.
“Thanks for distracting Grandpa, Lupus,” said Vlad with a huge yawn. “That sunscreen should keep him out of the way!”
“No problem,” said Lupus. “Glad to help.”
Vlad let out a gentle snore in reply.
Lupus looked over at his cousin and gave a small smile. “What are friends for?” he added softly.
Vlad and Lupus managed only a few hours’ sleep before Mortemia woke them for their flying lesson. They yawned and rubbed their eyes as she led them outside.
At least it’s a full moon tonight, Vlad thought as he looked around the graveyard. I can see better and it’s not as spooky as normal.
“We’re going to do some bat agility before breakfast!” his mother announced.
“Good idea, Auntie Morty,” said Lupus politely.
Mortemia gave a thin-lipped smile in return. “I’d rather you didn’t call me that,” she said. “My name is Mortemia.”
“Oh, sorry Auntie Morty— I mean, Mortemia,” said Lupus. He winked at Vlad.
Vlad hung his head to hide a smile.
“Lupus, you can start by showing Vlad how to do the course,” Mortemia was saying. “Once you have changed into a bat, I want you to fly over to the yew tree and reverse around it – without bumping into any branches. Then you must perform a loop-the-loop before flying between those two stone angels over there –” She pointed to two statues either side of a grave. “It’s a tight space, but your wings mustn’t touch the statues. Then you will weave in and out of those gravestones in a line there –” She indicated to a row of stones. “You’ll finish by backflipping back to me and landing the right way up.”
Thank badness we didn’t have breakfast, Vlad thought. I feel sick at the thought of doing all that!
He shot Lupus a despairing look but Lupus just grinned.
It’s OK for him, Vlad thought. He’ll do it perfectly and in double-quick time, then I’ll follow and crash into everything.
His shoulders slumped as he watched Lupus turn into a bat in the blink of an eye. POOF! He was off, whizzing to the tree, reversing around it perfectly, cartwheeling into beautiful loops in the air…
I wish I could be as cool as Lupus, Vlad thought. If only I could use mind control to make myself as quick and clever…
He tried to relax, as Lupus had told him to, but it was no use. The more he thought about relaxing, the tenser he felt.
“Vladimir!” His mother’s voice made him jump. “Stop shilly-shallying and get on with it!”
“You’ll be fine, Vlad,” said Lupus. “Remember what I said – just chill.”
Vlad closed his eyes and thought B – A – T. POOF! He was a bat. He flew towards the yew tree, but once he got there, he couldn’t think how to reverse.
I’ve never done this before! he thought. He began to panic. He tried flapping his wings down and then up, instead of up and then down, but it made no difference. Then he tried circling them, but that made them sore. He turned upside down, but that made him feel dizzy. In the end, he had to fly forwards around the tree.
“Zero marks for reversing!” Mortemia barked. “Loop-the-loop next.”
Vlad threw himself up and tried to flip over into a circle. He managed an arc and was about to swoop round when a loud noise startled him.
“WHOOOO!”
Vlad shrieked and plummeted to the ground.
“Oh, for badness’ sake, it’s only an owl!” screeched Mortemia. “You should be able to perform a simple loop-the-loop without being put off so easily. Get up and transform.”
Vlad thought Vampire – Land – Air – Down and changed back into himself. He hung his head in shame.
“You are a disgrace!” Mortemia shouted. “Lupus, you must stay out here all night with Vlad until he shows some signs of improvement.”
Vlad was fed up. He wished he could change his mother into a spider again. If I did it out here she might get eaten by whatever made that horrible spooky noise, he thought. But he was too exhausted to try mind control.
He watched miserably as his mother stormed back inside Misery Manor.
“What are we going to do?” he said to Lupus. “If she makes us stay out here and practise, how will we ever be able to get away to go camping?”
“Don’t worry about that,” said Lupus, his face grim with determination. “We’ll go camping all right. Just you see. But for now, we need to work on your flying. I’ll go slowly. Just follow in my tracks.”
Vlad got up wearily and did as his cousin said.
It’s nice of Lupus to help me, but I don’t know why I’m bothering, he thought as he flew up into the night sky. I may as well pack my things for a long stay in the Black Tower right away.
By the end of the night Vlad had mastered the loop-the-loop. He still couldn’t reverse around the tree, though, and he had crashed into the angels so many times he felt battered and bruised all over. And after the flying lessons he had to stay awake to learn his lines for the auditions. He read them by torchlight under the covers while Lupus slept.
The next day at school Vlad was so tired he kept nodding off in class. Minxie had to prod him to keep him awake.
At last, it was time for the auditions. The children had been told that they could do anything they liked – perform a poem, some jok
es, a sketch from a well-known play or even something they had written themselves.
Miss Lemondrop asked all the children who were auditioning to go into the hall. Lupus came, too.
“I’m not going to audition,” he said to Vlad, as they took their places in the hall. “I might be good at flying, but I can’t act.”
Vlad felt grateful for that. The last thing he needed was for Lupus to impress the teachers like he had impressed Mortemia.
“Minxie and Vlad, you’re up first,” Mr Bendigo said. “There were some very good auditions yesterday after school. So you’d better show me what you can do!
“We have the best routine EVER!” Minxie announced.
Vlad bit his lip. He wished he had her confidence.
“Go on, Vlad,” said Lupus, giving him a little push.
Minxie and Vlad got up on to the stage and arranged some chairs to use as props. They were doing the scene in Hansel and Gretel where the two children find the witch’s gingerbread house. They spaced some chairs out as if they were trees and put some more in a square, pretending they were the house.
Vlad scanned the audience nervously as he put out the chairs. Some of his friends were there. But Boz was there, too! He stuck his tongue out at Vlad and then grinned mischievously.
I hope he doesn’t do anything to put me off my lines, Vlad thought.
He made himself concentrate on the routine he and Minxie had made up on the night she had come for the “spooky sleepover”.
“Ready when you are!” said Mr Bendigo.
“Good luck, Vlad!” cried Ravi.
“Yay!” cheered Leisha, clapping her hands.
“Break a leg,” said Boz with a sneer.
“What?” Vlad gasped.
“It’s what you say in the theatre before a show,” Mr Bendigo explained. “It means ‘good luck’.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Boz muttered.
Miss Lemondrop gave him a stern look. “Settle down, everyone!” she called. “Off you go,” she said to Minxie and Vlad.
They began walking around the stage hand in hand.
“Oooh, these woods are dark,” said Minxie, looking scared.
“I think we might be lost,” Vlad quivered.
“Look!” Minxie cried, pointing to the chairs arranged in a square. “A house! Let’s ask for directions.”
Then she ran ahead and jumped into the middle of the chairs, pretending to be the witch inside.
“Knock, knock,” said Vlad.
“Who’s there?” said Minxie in a witchy voice.
“Witch,” said Vlad.
“Eh? But I’m the witch…” said Minxie, pretending to look confused. Everyone laughed. “Witch who?” she said.
“Witch is the way home?” said Vlad with an exaggerated wink at the audience.
Mr Bendigo groaned, but he was smiling. The children laughed again and clapped.
Minxie cackled in a witchy voice and said, “You don’t need to go home, children. Help yourself to sweets!” Then she ran back around and was Gretel again.
“Mmm,” she said, pretending to pick things off the walls and eat them. “A house made of gingerbread and sweets! This is cool.”
Vlad acted worried. “I don’t think we should eat anything,” he said. “What if the house is haunted?”
“What if it is?” said Minxie. “Haunted houses are cool. Hey, where do you find the scariest haunted houses?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” said Vlad.
“In a dead-end street!” cried Minxie.
Vlad laughed his best vampire laugh. “Mwhahaha! Wicked.” Then he looked worried again. “But what if the witch is a bad witch?”
“Not all witches are bad,” said Minxie. “Some of them are very glamorous. Do you know what witches put in their hair when they go out at night?”
“No,” said Vlad. “What do they put in their hair?”
“Scare spray!” said Minxie. There was more laughter from the crowd. “And what is a witch’s favourite snack?”
“I dread to think,” said Vlad. He stood up tall and pretended to be Mulch. “I hope it’s not … little children,” he said in a deep booming voice, and he pointed at his friends in the audience.
Leisha shrieked in delight.
“Noooo,” said Minxie, rolling her eyes. “They like sand-witches!”
Vlad could see that the teachers seemed to be enjoying watching the sketch. Mr Bendigo was scribbling notes on his clipboard and Miss Lemondrop was smiling. The children in the audience were laughing at all the jokes, too.
Lupus caught Vlad’s eye and gave him a thumbs up.
Vlad began to relax.
“Hey, did you hear about the witch who left school?” he said to Minxie.
“No?” said Minxie. “Why was that?”
PHHHHHRRRRRTTT!
Minxie and Vlad jumped and looked at each other in shock.
A loud farting noise had interrupted their joke!
“Goodness!” said Mr Bendigo. “What did you eat at lunchtime, Vlad?” he said, while trying not to smile. “I think you could at least say ‘pardon me’,” he added.
Vlad’s normally pale face had turned quite pink. “It wasn’t me!” he protested. As he said this, he caught sight of some movement at the side of the stage.
BUUUURRRRRPP!
A burp erupted from somewhere, making the audience laugh so hard that Vlad and Minxie couldn’t remember their lines. They stared at each other, speechless.
Vlad was horrified. He tried to find Lupus in the audience. But now Vlad couldn’t see his cousin. He looked this way and that. Surely it wasn’t Lupus making these noises?
THBPBPTHBPTHTHTHTH!
Both teachers were looking cross now. “Vlad – that’s enough,” said Miss Lemondrop. “Your jokes were good, but blowing raspberries and making other rude noises is not funny.”
“But—!” Vlad protested.
Suddenly there was a yell and Boz was catapulted on to the stage from the wings.
“Help! Help!” he yelled. He ran across the stage and jumped into the audience. “I’m being chased by a big black bird!”
Mr Bendigo leaped to his feet. “Boswell Jones!” he cried. “Stop running this instant.”
Boz screeched to a halt and looked at the teacher, his eyes wide with fear. “But I’m telling you – there’s a huge black bird there!”
“Boswell,” said Miss Lemondrop, coming over. “You know perfectly well there is no such thing. It is very unkind of you to interrupt Vlad and Minxie’s audition like this.”
“But – but…!” For once Boz was lost for words.
“Go and see Mrs Viola,” said Mr Bendigo. “And tell her what you’ve done. You’ll be lucky to get a part in the play now.”
Boz went bright red in the face, but even he could see there was no point in arguing. “All right, I’m going,” he said, and turned and stomped out of the hall. But not before he had given Vlad a very nasty glare.
“Now, Vlad and Minxie, as I was saying,” said Miss Lemondrop. “I don’t think rude noises are a good idea—”
“Actually, miss, it wasn’t Vlad making the noises.” Lupus was walking across the stage – he had come from the same direction as Boz.
“What are you doing there?” Mr Bendigo asked, frowning. “Anyone not auditioning is supposed to be sitting quietly in the audience.”
“I apologize, sir,” said Lupus, with a sweeping bow. “I heard some noises backstage so I thought I should go and investigate. I found Boz hiding with this –” and with a flourish he produced a Whoopie cushion. “He was using it to make the rude noises. He wanted to mess up Vlad and Minxie’s audition, sir.”
A gasp went around the school hall.
“Well, thank you, Lupus,” said Mr Bendigo, sounding surprised. “Vlad is lucky to have his cousin looking out for him.” He turned to Vlad. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Would you and Minxie like to continue with your sketch? I’m sure we’d all like to see how it ends,” he said.
The audience cheered. “Yes! Go on!” they cried.
Minxie beamed. “So, what was that about the witch who left school?” she asked Vlad.
Vlad hesitated. Did they really still have a chance? He glanced at Lupus, who was nodding encouragingly.
“Ahem!” Minxie coughed loudly.
Vlad saw the look in his best friend’s eye – he couldn’t muck this up. Not after all the hard work Minxie had put into the routine. This is it, he told himself. You have to go for it! Then he drew himself up tall and put on a voice that sounded exactly like his mother.
“The witch dropped out of school because she had forgotten how to SPELL!” he said, with an expression every bit as withering as Mortemia’s.
Both teachers stood up and clapped their hands, and the audience joined in.
Minxie’s eyes were shining. “Well done!” she said to Vlad, over the noise of the applause. “You were awesome!”
“Thanks. So were you!” said Vlad, blushing.
Vlad, Lupus and Minxie made their way to the bike sheds after the auditions.
“I hope Boz doesn’t get a part,” Minxie said grimly. “By the way,” she said to Lupus. “What exactly did you do to Boz?”
“You had Claw with you, didn’t you?” Vlad said.
“Yes,” said Lupus, looking awkward. “I know I took a risk calling her. She’s gone now. I had to think quickly – I needed to give Boz a big shock—”
“It’s all right,” said Vlad. “I’m glad you did. Thank you.” He paused, then he asked, “But why did you do it?”
Lupus stared at his feet. “I – I guess I don’t like Boz. He reminds me of someone,” he said.
“Who?” Vlad asked.
Lupus looked up from under his fringe. “Just someone at my school,” he said. “You’re really lucky to have Minxie as a friend, you know.”
“Yes,” said Vlad, nodding. “And I want to keep her as my friend. That’s why I have to make sure that human school stays a secret. So you can’t bring Claw here again.”
“I get that,” said Lupus. His mouth twisted. “I wish I had a friend like Minxie.”
Vlad looked at his cousin in amazement. “But you said two of your best friends at home were humans,” he said.
