I haven’t even had a chance to take in the scene before me and create fanciful stories when my thoughts are robbed and sucked into the tunnel of despair that always came when I think of Jamie. “With or Without You” by U2 boomed from a car below, and took me back to the night at camp when I gave myself to Jamie. The night he promised me that he’d be with me forever. The night he said he wanted to marry me.
“Are you going to tell me what’s in the box yet?” I asked Jamie, after eating my fifth chocolate-covered strawberry.
I couldn’t believe he set all of this up for us while I was working at the lake. Jamie said he had something special planned for us that night, but I never imagined he would have pulled off something as sophisticated and romantic as this. Once the sun began to go down, white twinkling lights illuminated around the tree and along the branches of the tree above where we sat. Music softly played in the background, coming from the barn across the field, seemingly making the fireflies dance across the long grass that waved in the field. We were alone out here, I had no doubt, but I wasn’t scared or nervous, not with Jamie at my side.
“Is that all you’ve been thinking about tonight?” He pulled me up between his legs, letting my back rest on his chest as we looked up to the starry sky.
I giggled nervously as I felt his growing excitement behind me. “It’s not all I’ve been thinking about,” I teased, leaning back and kissing his scruffy chin.
Instead of using my comment as a green light to make me his, he wrapped me protectively in his arms, as if he was worried I would disappear. We both had that feeling sometimes with each other, because we’ve both experienced deep loss before. I still wondered at times when this bubble of happiness around us was going to pop. I didn’t know how I got so lucky to have a guy like Jamie as mine. He was the most handsome and loving man I had ever met, and it was clear that everyone at camp also felt the same, and I wondered when he’d realize I’m not as special as he thinks I am.
Just then, our favorite song, “With or Without You” by U2, began to play through the night sky.
“Can I ask you something, Lex,” he asked in a whisper.
“You can ask me anything,” I said honestly.
“Why do you love me?” The insecurity and doubt in his voice surprised me.
I took his hands in mine and laced my fingers through each finger. I lifted up his hand and flipped it over, like he’s done to me so many times before, and placed little kisses on his wrist, trailing them up his arm to the bend in his elbow. Hearing the hitch in his voice when I hit the sensitive spot sent me soaring with excitement.
“I love you because you are the most honest and loving man I’ve ever met.” I turned around and wrapped my legs up to his waist so that we were face to face and he had no place to look but at me and see the sincerity in my eyes. “I love you because you make me laugh, and let me be a silly dork without judging me. I love you because you are simply the most kind, sexy man I have ever known.”
He smiled and kissed me in a way that he never had before. His breaths were slow, as if he was savoring each sweep of our tongues across each other. He pulled back, placing both hands on my cheeks, and pressed his head against mine. “Sometimes I wonder how someone like you could actually love me.”
Was he reading my mind?
He continued with a pained voice, “Sometimes I get scared that I’m going to wake up one morning and this was all a dream.” He placed a lingering kiss on my lips again, letting me feel the soft stubble on his face. He looked at me again, his sparkling green eyes looking into my soul. “You’ve got my heart and soul, Lex. It’s all I’ve got, so be careful with it.” He kissed me softly again. “I just want to be worthy of someone like you. I don’t have much more to offer you other than myself.”
“I don’t want anything but you, Jamie,” I said, nervous at what he was getting at.
He stood up and took me in his arms, walking me over to the field so that we stood between the barn and the dimly lit willow tree. I wasn’t sure why he moved us when I thought he was about to make love to me and let me give him the most special part of me.
He pressed his head against mine and held our hands up between us. “You’re my everything. You’re my light in the darkness. You filled the hole that was left in my heart when my mom died. When I went back to Ireland without you, and we spent last year apart, it was torture. Every night, I’d look up at the moon and know we were looking at the same thing. It made you not seem so far away. It was then that I realized that there will never be another person in my life who can do to me what you can. You’ve taken my heart, and I never want it back. I want to be with you for the rest of my life.” He brushed my hair from my face and kissed my nose, and then reached for the box he had slipped in his pocket without me realizing and held it up to me with a mischievous smile. “I promise that I will love you forever. Nothing will ever change that. You have touched me in a way that no one else has or ever will.”
He opened the box, revealing a special golden ring that I knew well. It was his mother’s Claddagh ring that his father gave her on their wedding day. I gasped and covered my mouth with my hands. “Jamie, I can’t,” I whispered through my tears, knowing how true his words must be for him to part with this special memory of his mom.
He took the heirloom out of the box and held it up to me. “I know we’re young, and I know everyone will think we are crazy, but I don’t care. I know I want to marry you. I know my life will never be whole if you’re not in it. This is my promise to you that I will marry you one day. It’s my promise that I will love you forever. It’s my promise to never give up on us.”
“God damn you, Jamie,” I called into the wind as I sat crying on the rooftop of my apartment.
I rarely let myself think about him anymore, and anytime his face comes into my thoughts, I do everything I can to push it away. I hate that a piece of me wishes he’d come back to me. As much as I tell myself I’d never go back to him, and as happy as I am with Mike, I know deep down that if he asked for me back, I’d go. He was the one who had stolen my heart, and he never gave it back. The little piece he left behind was growing day by day with Mike’s love and nurturing, but it was still only a fragment of what it once was.
I close my eyes and make a promise that if Jamie ever came back for me, I would ignore my heart.
“Is that you, Alexa? What the hell are you doing up here?” Lee’s voice booms from the other end of the rooftop.
I wiped the tears away, already a professional at pushing down my pathetic feelings of abandonment. “I couldn’t sleep and decided to water your withering plants,” I said playfully, hoping to distract from my swollen, tear-filled eyes.
“Sounded to me like you were cursing out your deadbeat ex-boyfriend,” she answered jokingly. My instinct was to defend Jamie. I didn’t want anyone to think badly of him, even after all he did to me.
“It’s been a rough night, Lee. Cut me some slack.” I held open my blanket for her to slide under in the chair next to me. “Mike had to leave the house today. No more Sigma Chi for him.” I had to get the topic off my past and focused on my future.
Lee put her head on my shoulder. “Fraternity boys are assholes anyway. Besides, he didn’t do any of those things and is taking the fall for all the other guys. You’ve gotta give him some credit for that.”
Lee loved Mike and it was another sign for me that he was the right man for me. I can’t doubt him. I can’t let my past with Jamie affect completely opening up my feelings for Mike anymore. Mike is my future; Jamie is my past.
“He’s going to live with me for the rest of the semester. That means no late-night girl nights for us in my apartment for a while.”
“All I’ll have to do is put on The Last of the Mohicans, and he’ll find an excuse to go hang with the boys.” She kissed my cheek. “I don’t know why you keep hanging with these silly boys and don’t just run away with me?”
“If only you were a good kisser, I’d consider it,” I sa
id jokingly.
“I’m an amazing kisser, just not with my best friends.” She finally noticed my eyes swollen from my tears. “How about we get inside and I’ll make us some cereal before bed?”
“Sounds perfect.” I glanced up at the moon and wondered whether Jamie ever thought of me.
Only one more month to go before the groundbreaking on the two properties where the Rising Moon will be built, and I still haven’t picked out the artwork for either location. I love the name that Jamie chose for the restaurants and want to find the perfect details to accomplish the feeling he’s trying to give his customers through my design. I know I want outdoor rustic scenes in black-and-white photographs, but I’m interested in finding a new, up-and-coming photographer rather than someone already established. Jamie’s restaurants are world-renowned, and the idea of giving a talented young artist an opportunity of a lifetime is something exciting. I was ecstatic when Jamie and Frank gave me the green light to have control over finding the artist, although I’m sure the fact that I’m intimately familiar with Jamie’s likes and dislikes when it comes to art probably has something to do with their confidence in me.
It still surprises me that Jamie is the person behind the C.J. Fox Company. It’s incredible to think that the small family pub his father and mother had run was the catalyst for the successful restaurants he’s sprouted up all over the world. I sometimes wonder if he still paints, or if he gave up that dream when his father died, and instead fulfilled his parents’ dream rather than his own. I’m sure those holes will be filled in over time as we become more comfortable around each other. In the times when Jamie is in town to talk over the details of my job, and not back overseeing his restaurants on the East Coast and in Dublin, we’ve been able to realize again what good friends we used to be. Although our past is never brought up, and is often the elephant in the room, it’s our history that also connects us in a way that has actually been good for business. He trusts me; he knows my style and believes in my ability to integrate California culture into his rustic Irish style with class and sophistication. I’ve been proud of myself for not letting the betrayal I felt from him for so long chip its way back to the surface and am learning to appreciate him for the person he’s become.
Over the past few weeks, as I’ve worked more closely with Frank, Tommy, and Jamie, I’ve learned that he named his company after his father, Charles, and Fox was his mother’s maiden name. Everyone he works with calls him C.J., but he told me right away I can call him Jamie, realizing after our night out to dinner that it made me uncomfortable to call him C.J. Although it might make it easier to think of him as this stranger by calling him C.J., it almost makes me angry to do so. I can’t quite figure out why other than that it pisses me off to think that he changed his entire life when he left and went back to Ireland; he changed everything that I thought he was, including his name.
Today Mike would be joining me for a meeting with the entire crew from C.J. Fox Company, and it was going to be one of the first times Mike and Jamie are in the same room with me. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it makes me nervous. I have done everything possible to hide the discourse in my marriage from all of them. I know Frank has known something was up from our first meeting, and I’m sure Lee has let some things slip now that she’s been spending more time with him. But Jamie knows nothing. He doesn’t know that after my weekend away with Mike that things not only went back to how they were before we left, but have gotten worse in some ways.
Even though Mike moved back into my room and comes home every night at a decent hour, he seems more unhappy than ever. He’s on his phone constantly and if it wasn’t for all of the curse words and scowls he makes when I catch him around the corner, I’d think he was talking to some woman he’s cheating on me with. When we’re in public, he’s kind and courteous to me, always one to put on a show of perfection to others. But when we’re home alone together, it’s almost as if I don’t exist, and I can’t decide what was worse. Was it worse when he was having an affair and pretended to be head over heels in love with me to cover his tracks, or was it worse being ignored altogether? I’m in a constant state of paranoia, trying my best not to ruffle feathers with bothering him with my insecurities. Dr. Murphy reminds me each week that I either need to accept our relationship for how it is and let him work through the stress of his life, the life that provides our family a comfortable living, or to leave him and make a life for myself and my kids, sacrificing the luxuries Mike’s busy career has afforded us.
The thing is, I don’t care about the “luxuries.” Sure, it’s nice not having to worry about money, but I’ve never felt as though I fit in with the Orange County lifestyle and have never been sure I even wanted to. Over the years, I’ve always kept a polite friendship with my children’s friends’ parents, but never joined them on their tennis dates or luncheons while the kids are at school. Interior design was always my escape from the reality of life in Southern California. My friendships with Lee and Rita also help to keep me grounded, and it was probably one of the many reasons I love them so much.
I park my car and check my messages before going in for a workout before my meeting later. I texted Mike earlier to see whether he wanted to meet me at home and drive to the meeting together, but he still hasn’t responded. Just as my mind begins to fill with questions about what he’s doing or who he is with, I remind myself that I can’t let my worries take over. I need to trust Mike if we are going to make it through this difficult part of our relationship.
I close my eyes and picture my sweet boys before I hop out of the car, repeating to myself that I have to think happy to feel happy. Christ, if Lee actually knew I used the advice she gave me for my daily affirmations, I’d never hear the end of it.
Just the thought of her bragging brings me out of my doubtful self-pity. I open the door to my gym to look for Lee and Rita, who always take the Tuesday morning class with me. It’s my favorite time of the week because it’s the one time that we all go out for coffee and gossip together. It’s a rarity for the three of us to be together anymore with all of the hectic schedules of our lives.
“Hi, Alexa.” My coach Ashlee jogs up to me with her adorable smile and rock-hard body. I instinctively pull at the oversized t-shirt I’m wearing with my exercise pants. “I’m so sorry, the electricity is out and all classes are postponed. Some idiot ran into an electrical pole or something.” She flips her ponytail and rolls her eyes. “Lee and Rita told me to let you know they’ve headed home.”
I smile, trying to hide my disappointment at missing some buddy time with my friends and immediately think of calling them and asking them to meet me for coffee after I get a run in. There’s no way I can skip my workout after the stress I’ve been under. I walk to my car and shoot a quick text to the girls, hoping I’d also have a message from Mike, but nothing. I decide to take the trail by my gym so I don’t have to drive anywhere. It’s one of my favorite places to run because it overlooks the beautiful mountains that lie on the outskirts of our suburban town.
“Great minds think alike.” Jamie startles me when he seems to appear out of nowhere and begins to stretch casually next to me.
“Jesus, Jamie, you scared the hell out of me!” I pull my earbuds out of my ears.
He laughs and pats my back. “Sorry, Lex. I saw you here and thought we could run together. I do better with someone to push me.” He smiles innocently and it takes me back to a time long ago.
“I’m sure my pace is too slow for you. Go on ahead.” Having him next to me while I’m trying to clear my head would be like walking into a bakery and not getting a cookie—impossible.
He eyes me curiously. “I think you overestimate me, lass.” He tugs at my boxy NYU t-shirt. “Come on, I’ve always liked when you chase me.”
His flirtation irritates me. “I’ve never chased you,” I spit out, before realizing how true those words are. Jamie pursued me from day one. I was always too insecure to admit my feelings first, and when he left, I let
him go. When he didn’t call me or come back, my pride kept me from going after him.
No, I’ve never chased him, and for the first time I wonder whether he needed me to back then. His family life was crumbling and I was too prideful to show him that I loved him enough not to let him push me away. He could have been shutting everything off. I know that emotion far too well.
“No, you didn’t.” He smiles as he raises his eyebrows at me.
“Oh, whatever, Jamie. Let’s go then.” I try to end this conversation as quick as possible.
I take off, trying to keep my regular pace, and blast my playlist, letting him know that there will be no conversation during the run. Running used to be something we did together when we moved away to college. We both used exercise to blow off steam; our mutual love of the outdoors made us feel connected to nature with our daily runs in Central Park when we lived in the bustling city. This path is making it impossible not to think of those times as we jog through the wooded surroundings, and instead of those memories making me feel sad, like they used to, a flutter of happiness follows the memory now that I have Jamie back in my life. He’s here in a much different way, but I’m beginning to realize how much I missed his companionship. It makes me wonder whether we ever could truly be friends, or whether there’s too much in our past to allow something like that to happen. For now, I’m going to let myself be happy that I won’t have that pit in my stomach when I think of him, wondering whether he was alright.
The Wife Page 8
